Thursday, May 7, 2009

Trust Me

You would have hated me until I had kids. I was one of those tall, thin girls who ate everything and didn't gain weight. After I had children, and aged, it became different. I no longer have the metabolism of a high schooler if "I no longer have the metabolism of a high schooler" means that "when I eat everything in sight, I gain weight." But there are tradeoffs. To get cliche-y, I am older but wiser. And one of the things that I know about myself is that I can't pull of a sentimental post without eyerolling.

Trust me.

Every mommy blogger has a secret and here is mine. The standard "I hope that I have the courage to publish this" disclaimers apply, of course.

When my kids were born, I lost my damn mind. Not in a "honey, get me a cocktail, this is a shitload of work" but in a completly unglamorous, batshit crazy, "dear God, I'll take breast cancer in ten years if you just let me be able to nurse this baby now and why the fuck won't the baby nurse?" insanity. It was hard with my daughter, because she refused to breastfeed and because the lactation fanatics descended on me with advice, judgment and requests for payment, and it was harder with my son, because I was convinced that he was not safe with anyone except me, that the nanny that we'd had since my first baby was born had been biding her time, for three years, to steal him all along; that my parents and inlaws were incompetent and that the whole world was conspiring to get to me through my kids.

I cried all the time. Shortly after my son was born, we all went on a summer vacation on a beautiful island in Maine. We stayed with close friends and I cried, pretty much, nonstop. Everyone was kind. I thought that my life was over.

What I could not believe is that I had done it to myself. I agreed to have children, without realizing that it meant that I would never be happy again. Not because I didn't love my kids, but because I did, hauntingly. I could not exhale until I knew that they were ok and the only way that I could know that is if they were in my physical presence. It was unbearable.

I would not let the children out of my sight.

It faded, of course.
Although I'd seen professionals about what I was feeling, I was never officially diagnosed with Postpartum depression.

But this is the secret that I don't readily share (except, you know, on the internet). I don't think that it passed. There are times when I hear sirens and my heart stops if one of my kids is not with me. I wonder about the people who hear sirens and go on with their day. (And incidentally, NYC is a really bad place for that kind of psychodrama. Especially if, like me, you live within screeching distance from a hospital). Are they not parents? Are they not insane?

My mother's sister is visiting us from Russia this month. Last night, at dinner, she asked me to let the kids come visit her in St. Petersburg. "They have to see where you were born," she said. "Let my people go," my father said.

I made some kind of "Definitely" noise which was a total lie. I can't let my children go. And I'm afraid that it will stifle them. I let them have a normal childhood. They go to school, to after school activities, on playdates. But I am always aware and I always feel better when they are with me.

See? I told you.


Blogger Pop and Ice said...

After my first child, I went certifiably crazy. Or perhaps I was tired and didn't have enough help. I retreated to a spare room closet and a dear friend, who was also a doctor, came and yanked me out and took me to the hospital where I had the undisputed joys of drying my hair in sight of the nurses station and working on assorted crafts with people who were scary crazy! I discharged myself, cried for a month and got outside help.

My exe's lovely way of dealing with the situation was to say "You never finished that key chain. Maybe it will still be there when you go back."

May 7, 2009 at 6:52 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

Oh, and by the way, I didn't go "back" after the second child. I was better prepared.

May 7, 2009 at 6:54 PM  
Anonymous Maravonda said...

And this makes you crazy why? My daughter is 33 and I want her living next door to me. Never mind that she is married with a career in a city 2 hours away. And we are reasonably normal individuals. I don't check her for breathing anymore or anything...! You will have to let go soon enough. It doesn't mean that you will ever have to like it!

May 7, 2009 at 6:55 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Perhaps you were a little more emotional after their births but for the most part most of us experience those feelings. I still worry. They are 25 and 28 and I still worry.

May 7, 2009 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger daydreamymama said...

I cried continually after my son was born. For months. I had dreams about losing him somehow and had my heart in my throat 80% of the time. I lost my fucking mind, I really did. I called my therapist daily and cried and cried. And my son nursed fine, nursed all too fucking well, every hour on the hour for an absurdly long time. My husband was supportive but a little freaked out by me. I'm a little better now, but only a little better. I can function without weeping, but I have a hard time imagining a time when I won't want to know where he is, at all times. I'm considering home schooling, and if you knew me, you would know how laughable that is. (To call me "disorganized" would be polite to the point of untruth.)

Being a mother sucks, a little bit. Because how much control do you really have? Don't send them to St. Petersburg, not until they're thirty. They will appreciate it then, and by then they will have excellent drugs to help moms like us. And by "us," I mean "all of us."

May 7, 2009 at 7:07 PM  
Blogger Molly said...

I'm 20 and I still feel better when I'm at home with my parents. If my dad sleeps in too late, I get anxious. If they are going on a road trip while I'm at school, I get anxious. I'm flying somewhere and they're flying in a few days later. I'll be popping the ativan to deal with the anxiety.

My mom keeps going "Why don't you do birthright? Go to Israel." Are you BONKERS. Not gunna happen. tooooo scared.

I've already checked with my shrink that I can stay on meds when I'm pregnant with kids one day (ok like 10 years from now) because if I think my anxiety is bad now I can't even imagine what'll be like after i have kids.

and by the way, THANK YOU for sharing this. I'm always amazed at the honesty of bloggers. and honestly? It makes me feel less alone. So gracias

May 7, 2009 at 7:17 PM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

more. I want some more please. I liked this post. You don't always have to be so hilarious :)

May 7, 2009 at 7:36 PM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

I found it really hard to be a new mom. I loved the baby part, but I felt like I would cry for an hour and a half, fall asleep for half an hour and then the baby would wake up to be fed again. I wish I had been 15 years younger, I was 39 when I became a mom. Sigh.

May 7, 2009 at 7:50 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I completely understand this. And from what I have heard (mainly from older and wiser relatives) that doesn't really go away - the fear. You just squash it down as much as you can and decide when Prozac is necessary (okay that last part is from me).

I can't be away from my children for long periods of time - even overnight is hard. And it has nothing to do with wanting to spend every minute playing with Play Doh and re-enacting the more thrilling scenes from Thomas and Friends. It's pure paranoia. If I'm not there to keep them safe through sheer force of will, anything could happen.

Bottom line - you're not alone.

I loved this. Thanks for saying out loud what so many of us feel.

May 7, 2009 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

i agree with panic room. more please.

sometimes i feel sick to my stomach. "why do i think like this" when i assume the worst cast scenario in normal everyday situations like the bus ride home.

last year, on the plane to blogher, i was a basket case. wondering how much children would live w/o be cause the plane was destined to crash.

it's exhausting i tell you.

May 7, 2009 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

how my children would live w/o me...

damn it, trying to type and stifle the screams of toddler is hard work.

May 7, 2009 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger Issa said...

I am so like this too. Even more, every time someone loses a child and I read about it. Or this week, after a miscarriage. Gah. Never mind. Bad example.

Someone smarter and nicer than me once said, having kids is like letting your heart leave your body and walk around outside all the time. And you have no dam choice but to let it. Because holy crap, they lock you in round padded rooms and tell you to find the corner, if you don't ever let your kids leave the house.

Running a country is hard, I'm sure. Saving the world, curing horrible diseases, doing brain surgery, understanding trig, is all hard...but parenting is the hardest thing a person can do.

May 7, 2009 at 8:21 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

I worry constantly. CONSTANTLY. About something happening to them or something happening to me. I'm sure I should be medicated, but I can't find the time to get to a shrink.

May 7, 2009 at 8:23 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

i completely lost it when i had my first kid. lost it. cried all the time. felt guilty about not being able to breast feed. cried. hated myself. i should probably have seen someone about it but i just thought i was a loser and no one else would feel so miserable and be such a loser at this.

May 7, 2009 at 8:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the statement in your post that struck me was - something you brought on yourself making you effing crazy!!!! yeah...I get that. I made it through 2 kids but after 15 years of being the cash cow we rely on, DH has been unemployed for a year and my company is in chapter 11. And I am all, it's my fault for bringing it in and letting him slack all this time. You can Mother's Day all you want Hallmark but I have yet to see anything that glorifies and supports what we as mothers have to go through.

May 7, 2009 at 8:31 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

It's funny, I'm actually pretty laid back when it comes to my kids. However, there is NO way in HELL I would ever let my kids travel to my in-laws (who transplanted to Myrtle Beach) without me. An overnight I can handle. I can handle going away for a week and leaving them in my husband's care (not that I've had to do that you with 2) and I can handle my daughter going to the Jersey shore with my mom for the weekend...but a week away from me..out of state - which means she would fly without me or worse yet DRIVE with them for 12 frigging way. Sorry, they can babysit them here all they want but it just a line I can't cross even though I can't explain why. (of course my husband doesn't understand). And seriously, I don't even know when I would even think about it...when they're teenagers maybe? So, to make a long story end I don't blame you one bit for not wanting them to go to St. Petersburg without you. Maybe at some point you can take Mama and Papa and the whole family to reminissce. Thanks for sharing about a serious issue, btw.

May 7, 2009 at 8:49 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I'm pretty sure this is the first time I have ever left a comment here that wasn't absurd, tongue-in-cheek, or a lame attempt at funny. But here goes. I have a crushing, stifling moment of horror occasionally, where I feel I can't breathe and I panic because (seriously, I can't even type the words I'm really thinking; it's that paralyzing) what if the unthinkable should ever happen to one of my children? I feel like an idiot sometimes for being what most people would merely label morbid. But I cannot help the visceral fear that grips me. I never admit it either (except to the internet, apparently). But it is nothing short of agonizing. You are not alone in this particular Mama zone.

May 7, 2009 at 8:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you, this blog and this post. Clearly, we all feel the same way, you just said it for us so thank you. I had PPD after my son and I was absolutely bat shit, wanting to kill myself and my baby (he's 2 now). After therapy and drugs, I like to think that I have recovered. But now I worry about him even when he is with my mother, who isn't far away and very capable. I think becoming a parent means worrying 24-7 and feeling guilty 24-7 but obviously this only applies to females. Males don't obsess like we do.
Thank you,

May 7, 2009 at 9:16 PM  
Blogger Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) said...

I used to have what some might say were irrational fears about letting my children go . . . but when we had a 12-year-old visit us from Paris (alone) and her parents wanted us to send my children to them the next summer??? I just couldn't do it. . .

I still believe that was a completely rational decision!

May 7, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

M: I totally understand - from one anxious, hypochondriac, PPD suffering mother to another - it's one long fear fest (with a few nice bits thrown in)! Strangely, last week I wrote a post that is kind of similar to this one... How weird is that?

May 7, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger SubWife said...

Yeah, I totally understand. While I only had a few crying sessions after the first two, and pretty much avoided crying drama with the third (though we are not out of the woods yet - I am going back to work in a week and the waterworks have started), sometimes I also have these paralyzing moments of fear that something had happened to them. Sometimes it gets so bad, I start crying. It must look crazy to the people around - one minute I am working hard on some spreadsheet, next thing I am sitting in my cube and weeping. Motherhood...

May 7, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger SubWife said...

Or and another thing. i totally don't get how some people go on week-long vacations without their kids, leaving babies as young as 3 months old behind. I am not judging, I just wonder how they don't worry.

May 7, 2009 at 9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought scientology cured all that stuff.

on a sadder note, my sister once had a premature baby who died after 20 minutes. she overheard a nurse say it was god's will. my sister said if she'd had one ounce of strength in her body, she woulda smacked that nurse in the mouth and told her THAT was god's will.

she was never was able to have another child. mothers' day's not good day around her house. so enjoy your kids while you can. we're all dead soon enough.

happy mothers' day!

May 7, 2009 at 9:36 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

My almost 4-yr old son decided about a month ago that he was a big enough boy to spend the night with my wonderful, amazingly capable and trust worthy MIL who lives 1 block away in a very safe neighborhood. She came to get him late, 10pm and brought him home safe and fed the next day... I had to take pills to sleep that night. My baby was somewhere without me!!

We even talked the nurses into letting him stay in my room with me when my daughter was born. He was going to stay the night at my Mom's but I missed him too much. I needed him with me. I hope I won't smother him but...

You can't spell Mother without sMOTHER LOL!!!

May 7, 2009 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

Um, yeah - that's totally normal.

May 7, 2009 at 9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mother fear. There is absolutely nothing like it. If I had known about it, I don't know that I would have had children. Seriously.

I CONSTANTLY play worst-case scenarios in my head and then have to stop myself.

I do think there is an unhealthy extreme, but I don't think you are there.

May 7, 2009 at 10:04 PM  
Blogger Pseudo said...

Holy crap you sure can write. Poignant, painful, and beautiful. This post connected with me right in the middle of my gut. Then add on the guilt of thinking that my worrying is giving the universe ideas. That's me.

And my son is an almost 17 year old extreme sports enthusiast. Search YouTube for spitting caves jumping hawaii. That's what he came home and told us he and his friends did after surfing.

Everytime the phone rings when they are not home is a mini anxiety attack.

May 7, 2009 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger Lia said...

What you said about the sirens is so true. When I got pregnant I got super sensitive to sirens and sad stories in the newspaper or on TV. It got worse right after my son was born and I cried through the whole speech about what to do if you ever feel like shaking your baby (they give you that one before you can leave the hospital) because there was this quote on top of the pamphlet that said "He wouldn't stop crying... I never meant to hurt him". I never leave my boy with anyone that isn't family and the thought of leaving him overnight with someone scares me to death. I check on him every hour when he sleeps before I go to bed to make sure he's still breathing.
It's very scary being a mother.

May 7, 2009 at 10:11 PM  
Blogger Marshmallow Circus said...

Great post, I dreamt of having children who were well traveled that I allowed to be independent. Then I woke up, had kids and became the most paranoid person EVER! :)

May 7, 2009 at 10:48 PM  
Anonymous jos said...

amen. beautiful post.

May 7, 2009 at 10:52 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Obviously most of us feel the exact same way...

Scary enough, this is partly the reason I can't bear going back to work. I have this "fear" that nobody else will be able to take care of my kids like I do...

And my induction for #3 next week? I'm trying to reschedule it around dropping my kids off at school in the morning... rather than having my kids stay the night at my in-laws and having them drive them to school.

May 7, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I totally get this. Thank you for writing it and hitting publish. I think I had undiagnosed PPD after my twins were born. I didn't want my in-laws anywhere near my kids and would do anything to avoid leaving them. In the meantime I was slowly going insane and could have used a break. I wrote about those early, bat shit crazy days recently.

Anyway, I've relaxed quite a bit. But there are still days when I think I should probably be on medication.

May 7, 2009 at 10:59 PM  
Blogger Priss said...

I take anxiety medication. My kids being out of my sight, though they need it to have productive lives when I die from worry, you know, so they can take care of themselves... it triggers panic attacks. I've wept, fussed, thrown up. Tension headaches, fear. Part of it is genetic... my mother is crazy, too, and worries about me constantly. I don't know why, either. She should be concerned about my kids. They need to be protected! ACK!

May 7, 2009 at 11:05 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

You are not that unusual, Marinka. (Ok, you know what I mean. You're plenty unusual, but not 'cause of the mom-worrying thing.) You have to follow your heart about your kids.

As for sending them to St. Petersburg, here's what I know to be true - for whatever it is worth:



May 7, 2009 at 11:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally hate you and think you are a ding dong!

just kidding. It's actually just me Ryan, from Pacing the Panic Room. You mentioned that you wanted some anonymous hate comments, so I thought I would treat you to it. Hope it was good for you :)

May 7, 2009 at 11:52 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

LOL I think that we would think you were crazy if you didnt feel that way! It may be a little on the extreme side but hey, who cares! You take care of them, love them, nurture them. You could be beating the crap out of them. Dont worry about it!!!

May 7, 2009 at 11:53 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I'm in the club, too. Seriously, I get a bit of the shakes when my 11 year old comes to me and asks if he can ride his bike uptown to the ice cream store. How flippin' suburban is that?! How damn harmless is that?! But I say no. Then I scream a bit at myself and say 'let him go, let him go. it'll be fine. chill out!' and I chase him a bit and say yes, yes you can go, but you come right back. Then I pace a bit. So the thought of sending kids to Russia (with other capable adults but gah!)? I'd be stressed. Hell, I worry that I can't defend them when we're here alone. I'm stepping outside every 20 minutes to be sure there still where they say they're going to be, and don't tell anyone, but sometimes I still tip toe into my 7 year old's room to make sure he's breathing at night. So, yeah, I got the agenda. I'm there at the panicked mother convention.

May 7, 2009 at 11:54 PM  
Blogger Formerly known as Frau said...

You are singing my song except for the tall and thin part. Happy Mother's Day!

May 8, 2009 at 1:34 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

I'm still cracking up at the title...

May 8, 2009 at 1:35 AM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

I had post partum depression and I swear also that I still have it. I often dissolve into tears for little or no reason. I can't imagine allowing my daughter to be away from me for more than a few hours let alone away in another country.

The thing about agreeing to become a mother is that when you make that decision you have no idea at all how much it will affect you. In a matter of moments you go from being a singular person in a relationship to being the one and only person who can nourish and soothe a tiny little dictator who can't even tell you exactly what is wrong or what they want at any given time and expects you to figure it out on little or no sleep. We aren't given enough credit even when credit flows like champagne on New Years Eve.

May 8, 2009 at 1:58 AM  
Blogger Roshni said...

everyday I have a waking dream that something terrible has happened to one of my kids... as in they go hit by a car, they got kidnapped by a pedophile, they fell into a would have been so funny to me before I had a it just is so mind-numbingly scary! And, I know I'm going to feel this way for the rest of my life.

May 8, 2009 at 3:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was raped as a child so bad things do happen, there is a reason to be hypervigilant (I prefer that to paranoid). I am a mother, and I worry like the rest of us, but I never ever feel bad about worrying. It is our job.

May 8, 2009 at 6:10 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I love this post! And I still keep my kids as close to me as they'll allow.

May 8, 2009 at 6:17 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Only the geniuses like you and I go batshit crazy after having kids.

I? Shoved my boob in anyone's face while I blubbered snotty tears for them to help me get my son to nurse.

I had panic attacks in stores when Wally took the Payton and baby Parker somewhere while I checked out. Flat out panic attacks because I was convinced he would leave me and steal the children.


Are you sure we weren't twins separated at birth?

May 8, 2009 at 6:28 AM  
Blogger MYSUESTORIES said...

Where's the funny? Why it's at
of course!

May 8, 2009 at 6:50 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I think that is pretty normal. I tend to not want to let our daughter out of my sight. Things are crazy and it's just better when she is with us.

I think it is incredibly brave of you to share this post though because a lot of women are insecure thinking that this is not normal when it is ok to have all of these feelings.

May 8, 2009 at 7:12 AM  
Blogger Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

Amen to that. I didn't have the depression with the boys (although I had a friend who had a serious case), but I get the feeling of needing them to be near. There are times when I am in bed and I crave going into my toddler's room. I want to cuddle him, pull covers over him if he's kicked them off and generally be there right beside him all the time. Then he wakes up and drives me nuts and I remember that space is a good thing. But,I think there is some gene that is activated the second your kids are born and it HAS to be near their genes.

May 8, 2009 at 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Danette said...

Crap, I hate to tell you this but wait till they're on their way to college. I mean over-night, not being able to see their every breath, kind of college. I have one on her way in Sept. and I'm trying to be brave and not a wacko. I never even let my kids attend sleep-overs for fear of a crazy uncle living in the basement.

Crap. This. Is. Going. To. Be. Hard.

May 8, 2009 at 8:32 AM  
Blogger xxx said...

Hello beautiful woman...
I've just arrived here for the first time and have enjoyed this post.
I became a first time Mum at the age of 42.... a beautiful natural surprise to me and others... anyway what you are feeling is common as you can read by all the comments, but possibly exaggerated for you living in a big city.
Concern is good, but worry isn't a healthy way to spend time.
take care & best wishes

May 8, 2009 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger Loukia said...

What a great post. I don't think I had PPD but I will say that once my first son was born, my life changed completely and the love I felt for him was unlike anything on earth. The worry I have as a mom is insane and not stop and I also don't like letting my boys out of my sight. I cry just thinking about them going to school, being apart from me, heck, I even get stressed thinking about the future, of them living away from me... I do NOT think I can handle that. Right now, I just want to keep them safe and protected and loved. Everything changes once you have kids, and it can be very lonely if you don't have close friends to talk to you about the changes. I'm so glad I found your blog. Thank you for this post.

May 8, 2009 at 10:09 AM  
Blogger Jo Ashline said...

Hello! um, you are so not the only bat shit crazy lady out there. Motherhood makes us all a little insane. Now I ALMOST understand my mom.

May 8, 2009 at 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Sarah @ said...

I don't think that you sound like you've completely gone off the deep end. After all, loving your children and wanting them to be safe and sound is natural. Fearing for them when they are away, fearing letting them go? That's natural too.

Everybody handles those sorts of emotions differently, but there's nothing wrong with feeling them. I think that's called motherhood.

May 8, 2009 at 11:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what does it say about me that my 13 year old has been going to a sleep away camp (4 weeks) five hours from my home for four years? My nine year old will join him this summer. No phone calls or emails from them - just occasional post cards. They LOVE it, and I miss them while they are gone but try to make it a mini vacation for me and hubby.

May 8, 2009 at 11:52 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Hmmm...I wonder if that makes me crazy too. I have similar feelings all the time. I cried my eyes out when my daughter rode the school bus. It was her second year of school but her first on the bus and it terrified the shit out of me for her life to be in the hands of some old ass man. I just stick those scary feelings in my vault and try not to let it out. I need a drink.

May 8, 2009 at 12:08 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Something changes when we have kids. I used to be one of those super rational people who only ever cried out of frustration (usually at the state of my career path) and could suspend disbelief in any movie, especially tearjerkers, which were, quite frankly, beneath me. I used to sneer at my mother for (in my view) crying all the time.

I had kids, and now I sob my way through movies, even sometimes getting carried away during action films. I cry even when a little bit sad. I cry even when super happy. I cry all the damn time.
And really, deep down, I don't trust anyone else to look my children. (Even, it seems, teachers ;-)

May 8, 2009 at 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Stepiphany said...

It scares me how much I relate to this. My 12 year old is planning to visit her aunt 3 states away for a month next month. I am so NOT ok with it. It helps that I'll be at work when she leaves so that I won't be able to chase down the car and lock her in her bedroom.

May 8, 2009 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I had a really difficult time getting my son to nurse. In the end, it never worked out. A good part of his baby life I was in a very dark place. I don't know if it was because of the nursing incident or just being a first time mom, but I was pretty bad off. I now feel a lot of guilt over it and wonder if he will turn out to be a serial killer (I'm not even joking when I write this).

Anyway, as far as the paranoid thing, I really don't relate. I'm just not a worrier by nature about this sort of thing. Does this make me a bad mom? I hope not.

May 8, 2009 at 5:00 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oh and btw, I'm glad you hit publish.

May 8, 2009 at 5:01 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

I can walk into any room and immediately visualize the many ways my children can *and will, eventually* be maimed by regular, everyday things.

My husband thinks I'm too over protective, but the truth of the matter is that they ONLY get hurt when I'm not with them. Except that one time, with all the blood, but is it really my fault that I was busy tweeting at the time and didn't see what happened? NO.

I'm with you, girl - that's why I've got the meds these days.

May 8, 2009 at 5:23 PM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

I am sure part of that craziness at the beginning is also due to lack of sleep. I had a much harder time after my second - he was the worst sleeper and still is.

I am paranoid about stranger danger since my daughter got approached and now I feel like I will be way to on top of her and that could cause a lot of rifts between us as we get older. My mother in law wants my kids to visit them in France when they are a few years older for the Summer and like you I said "yes" but in my mind I am truly not sure if I could go through with it.

We all just do what we believe is right to keep our kids safe.

Happy mothers day weekend.

May 9, 2009 at 2:06 AM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

You're right're absolutely stunningly psycho. I've never known ANY parent who's felt that way before ... as a matter of fact ... I'm pretty sure my mom used to push us kids out in front of quickly on-coming screaching emergency vehicles.

Actually, I think you're perfectly normal.

bright blessings

May 9, 2009 at 8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen. A-freakin'-men.

May 12, 2009 at 3:17 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

I think it is so amazing that you are brave enough to put these types of thoughts down in writing. I have them too - and they scare the shit out of me. I'm too chicken to write about them and I even always try to get myself to stop thinking them. I sometimes don't know how I'll get through this whole lifetime with my daughter out there in the world...and she's only 8 months old. God help me!

May 12, 2009 at 6:18 PM  
Anonymous MG @ Mommygeekology said...

Oh, Marinka. You are wonderful and brave to share.

One day I'll tell my story, too.... the real story.

I get very panicky, too.... it's hard.

May 20, 2009 at 9:20 PM  

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