Sunday, January 18, 2009

A Sick Fuck

I had dinner with a girlfriend the other night and she mentioned a friend of hers, an elderly man that she'd known for years.  So I had a brilliant idea. "Hey," I told her, "Why don't you Anna Nicole Smith him?" My friend didn't think that the idea was quite as brilliant as I did, the main flaws being that she is not a whore like Anna Nicole Smith and this guy may or may not have any money,  and also apparently things didn't work out so well for Anna Nicole Smith. Overall,  I was left feeling like maybe there was something wrong with me.  You know, mentally.

This isn't the first time that Anna Nicole Smith has screwed me.  There was that time that there was a paternity debacle--who was her daughter's father?  Not The Howard Stern or that blond guy?  I had another brilliant idea at the time.  "You know," I told John, "I bet her son is the father of her baby."
"What?" John asked.  John is hard to shock.  Once when I had  a panic attack, John calmed me by saying, "Put your head down between my legs."
"Well, you know she and her son were always close, he died mysteriously, right when the paternity thing was hitting the fan. I  bet he was the father."
Instead of embracing my brilliance, John attacked: "Only a sick fuck would come up with something like that."
"Time will tell!" I was feeling smugly confident.
Unfortunately, time was not on my side and the blond guy is the kid's father. DAMMIT.

And then it happened again. The US Airway flight lands in the Hudson River and the pilot is hailed as a hero.
"I bet he did it on purpose," I told Husbandrinka. 
"Ridiculous.  He executed an incredibly hard landing. He saved lives."
"Why would someone do something like that on purpose?" Husbandrinka asked.
"You know, the attention.  I heard he has a lot of new fans on Facebook.  People will do lots of crazy shit to become popular on Facebook."
Husbandrinka didn't buy it.  And this morning he tells me that the New York Times reports that the co-pilot reported seeking a flock of birds to the right of the airplane. And passengers reported hearing a thud.  I don't know.  I'd like to see their Facebook pages before I decide.

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Blogger Leigh said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! People who say they don't think things like that are lying to you. Or live under a rock. Or aren't drinking enough.

January 18, 2009 at 11:05 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

Oh Markinka, Marinka, Marinka!

January 18, 2009 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

We all have these thoughts - it's just cute that you say them out loud. I totally had the same theory about Anna Nicole's baby!

January 18, 2009 at 11:55 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...


January 18, 2009 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

"blognut" has a point. I think of some sick shit, but I never say it out loud. Only my Hubster gets it all at full-strength so naturally he's a bit afraid of me ... and his parents are too.

January 18, 2009 at 12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So glad you visited my blog so I could find YOURS! I cracked up laughing reading this - now I'm going to have to go back through your archives and see what else I missed - right after I add you to my reader!

January 18, 2009 at 12:21 PM  
Blogger rachel... said...

Whew. This is comforting, Marinka, thank you for being so candid.

I was rooting for the blond guy all along, but I had a different theory: The Howard Stern actually witnessed Anna Nicole Smith give her son the drugs that killed him. They then planned a speedy wedding (and claimed paternity to boot!) so that The Howard Stern couldn't be forced to testify against her.

I think I watch too much Court TV or True Hollywood Story.

January 18, 2009 at 12:48 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

That's right, forget the acid test, just use the facebook test.

January 18, 2009 at 12:50 PM  
Blogger Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You've got a point there! I never thought of things that way...You've changed my life!

January 18, 2009 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger Irish Gumbo said...

I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that you came up with the idea, or that I read this and said to myslef "Well, yeah, she has a good point, ya know..."

Great minds, my dear, great minds...

January 18, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger Rachel Cotterill said...

LOL, well, you shouldn't have to censor your crazy thoughts for your husband :)

January 18, 2009 at 1:11 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

The son being the father of Danni was brilliant forethought on your part! Sick, but brilliat. I'm so glad you were wrong.

I'm ashamed to admit that I was riveted by all the ANS coverage when all that crap was going down. Completely obsessed.

January 18, 2009 at 1:24 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

lol...I had the same thought about Anna Nicole Smith's son...guess that tells you how my mind works!

I think you should sell your ideas to Geraldo...ever since that Al Capone's vault thing he has needed some guidance :)

January 18, 2009 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I KNEW that lucky bastard did it on purpose. They were battery operated geese.

January 18, 2009 at 3:24 PM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

I...have no words. I cannot believe that I have finally discovered my soul sister.

January 18, 2009 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger LTYM said... the US Airways pilot really the father of Anna's child?

January 18, 2009 at 4:17 PM  
Blogger Karie said...

HA! That's hillarious.

January 18, 2009 at 4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's be sick fucks together 'cause that's the first thing I thought about her baby's daddy, too.

"Put your head down between my legs." ROFLMAO! Sounds EXACTLY like something my own Hubs would say.

January 18, 2009 at 4:40 PM  
Blogger That Janie Girl said...

You make me laugh, girl.

You and freakin' Vodka Mom.

January 18, 2009 at 4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"John calmed me by saying, 'Put your head down between my legs.'"

That's hilarious. I love it.

January 18, 2009 at 5:03 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You are hilarious. And twisted. And your husband definitely scored a point when he suggested you calm down by putting your head between his knees. LOL. ;)

January 18, 2009 at 5:22 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

I'm so glad that so many of you had the exact same thought. But were too chicken to say it first.

And Amy, that was my friend John who told me to put my head between his legs. I can't believe that you thought Husbandrinka was such a pervert. I may never forgive you.

January 18, 2009 at 5:30 PM  
Blogger binks said...

Only you and your twisted, farking, Russin mind.

January 18, 2009 at 6:13 PM  
Blogger binks said...

Russian, damnit, Russian

January 18, 2009 at 6:15 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I thought there was some odd things going on there between mom and son. You know, blonde guy probably paid someone to FAKE the test results. So you could still be right and not sick at all. Or I could be watching too much daytime TV.

January 18, 2009 at 7:25 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

Now I have to give you my second-born.

January 18, 2009 at 8:05 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

You are twisted, woman. But in the best possible way. And that's why we all adore you.

January 18, 2009 at 8:06 PM  
Blogger jmt said...

I would have backed that "the son is the father" theory. And who knows, maybe for the baby girl's state of mind as she gets older, they've concealed this twist of the truth...??? Could be a conspiracy for her sake. Might want to check with those hospital tests and see if there's a cover-up.

January 18, 2009 at 8:25 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Orr-rrr: the pilot PAID the geese to throw themselves at his windshield by promising that whatever of the flock didn't get irreparably harmed would get a free chartered flight on Migration Weekend every fall and spring for the rest of his life, providing his Facebook numbers stayed up.

January 18, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger That Janie Girl said...

You always crack me up.

January 18, 2009 at 11:25 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Sick? You are always so misunderstood. It's tragic, really.

January 18, 2009 at 11:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL. You are not alone. I've learned that the majority of the things that pop into my head are unsayable.

January 19, 2009 at 12:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This proves it. You need to be writing a Mexican soap opera.

January 19, 2009 at 12:31 AM  
Blogger Aracely said...

I'm on sick fuck team, although I may not have used those words exactly... something more to the tune of "you need help". Seems more proactive... seriously, get help ;)

January 19, 2009 at 1:01 AM  
Blogger Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

Ah, girl, you crack me up!!!
Thanks for the giggles!

January 19, 2009 at 2:17 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Steenky Bee and others seem strangely convinced you were wrong about Anna Nicole's son. WTF?

January 19, 2009 at 8:27 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

You are all freaks. I thought the old guy was the father. Yeah! Of course I know he was dead! But that doesn't stop some people.

January 19, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought the same thing about Anna Nicole's kid's paternity. Although I also though since everyone in that whole drama was dying one right after the other that the blonde guy and the baby would be the next two.

January 19, 2009 at 10:07 AM  
Blogger Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

Apparently I have sick fuck tendancies myself, because my husband (who has added himself as a fan of that pilot on Facebook... GAG) said he was starting up an airline safety business and my theory is that he did it on purpose to promot the business. As you say... TIME WILL TELL!

January 19, 2009 at 10:28 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

You sick fuck! LOL that was hilarious, I'm still laughing about the panic attack. That would be something my husband would tell put my head between his legs. LMAO

January 19, 2009 at 10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

when i saw the title of this blog "sick fuck" then read "anna nicole," i immediately thought the "sick fuck" would be her old husband. he was sick and they fucked. easy.

imagine my shock, then, when i discovered the blog's title was eponymous. marinka, i must say i object strongly to this attack on your fine character, and i urge you to drop john immediately as your gay.

further, i would like to inform you, that not only did i harbor those same reasonable doubts about this so-called "hero" pilot when i first heard of his manuevers, i actually voiced them aloud - at work, in the reception/lobby, where cnn drones on incessantly. some fawning co-working was bleeting about what a "hero" this pilot was, blah, blah, blah (is there anyone in america who's NOT a hero these days?) and all i said was something like, "well, if he were really all that great, he wouldn't have flown into those birds in the first place, now would he?"

the looks i got. i couldn't quite put my finger on what they might've been thinking. but i realize now, thanks to the insights of you, marinka, that they were thinking, "sick fuck."

thank you.

January 19, 2009 at 10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

btw, where is PETA on this? shouldn't they be bringing charges against this pilot for the torture and murder of those poor seagulls he slaughtered?

January 19, 2009 at 11:32 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Thank you for my daily chuckle. On purpose? For facebook fans? Surely you jest. Right?

January 19, 2009 at 11:36 AM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

I love you're blog. I live in NYC too and "eh" was my first reaction to the miracle landing on the hudson too! Yesterday, I went to go see it because it's only a few blocks from me and it changed my "eh" to "wow." anyway, keep blogging from NYC. We've def got a different perspective!

January 19, 2009 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I don't know why you're giving up your Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy theory. It could all be a conspiracy.

January 19, 2009 at 1:45 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Talk about a cry for help with that whole plane thing. I just don't take my meds for a couple of days and believe me when I tell you, I get noticed.

January 19, 2009 at 1:59 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

On the contrary. You are not a sick fuck. You are my HERO and I'll viciously bang the grandfather of anyone who says otherwise!!



January 19, 2009 at 2:11 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I thought Anna Nicole's son was the father too. Although I think I was more relieved than disappointed when it turned out I was wrong. Because eww.

January 19, 2009 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

You make me want to get a Facebook page. Hmmm, but then I might have to do something dramatic to make friends.

January 19, 2009 at 2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... maybe you were wrong about Anna Nicole's baby. Put your brain power into finding out who fathered Minnie Driver's baby. I think it's Eddie Izzard. Your take on it??

January 19, 2009 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Um, totally! that dude now has 300,000+ fans on facebook.

January 19, 2009 at 4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some things do not surprise me and sometimes I think of the strangest things, so it is not unusual to hear someone else talk about it. It is all about the thought process.

I am not sure about the pilot thing...that is a very expensive crash for people to walk away from. I am sure he is still going through debriefings. However, if he was truly doing it on purpose, then it would eventually come out. It always does.

January 19, 2009 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger FishermansDaughter said...

Not to one up or out sick fuck you... I'll give you my theory, because you know, you brought it up and I am SUCH a giver... I think the son is the REAL father of ANS's baby and that there was a cover up.
At least you live in NYC where people are a bit more open minded - any time I say something like this outloud where I live in the NH sticks - people baaaaaccckk awayyyyy.
They just can't handle the truth.

January 20, 2009 at 2:54 PM  

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