Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Heap

My friend Melissa stopped by recently, took a look at Nicki and said, "wow, she's gotten fat!"

Fortunately Nicki was busy chewing at that moment so the sound of those hurtful words was drowned out.

"You think?" I asked. I noticed that Nicki was taking up a lot more room, but I assumed that it was because she was trying out a new hairstyle. That involved fur extensions.

"She's huge," Melissa said. "What are you feeding her?"

The bad news is that Melissa is my cat expert friend, the one who told me about Feline Pine and also confirmed that cats can get AIDS, if they're having unprotected sex. In addition, she sometimes trims Nicki's nails, so I defer to her on all things Nicki.

"I give her half a can twice a day and some dry food."

"That's it?" Melissa asked. "How much dry food?"

"A heap." Which is totally a serving size.

"A constant heap?"

"Maybe. Hey, Kanye is a huge asshole, isn't he?"

"So she's self-feeding. You should only feed her light dry food. Dry food's like crackers, it has no nutritional value."

"Okay. I'm sorry. Stupid fat cat."

That night I told Husbandrinka what Melissa said.

"Nicki is morbidly obese."

"She seems ok," Husbandrinka was in deep denial.

"Morbid obesity is the silent killer," I told him.

"That's hypertension."

"Which Nicki now probably has."

But it bothered Husbandrinka. A lot.

I could tell because he said, "Now that Melissa said something, Nicki's weight is really bothering me. Why is Nicki so fat?"

"Maybe she's going through a growing spurt?" I suggested.

"Are you feeding her properly?" he decided to blame me.

"What? I give her food."

"Yeah, but sometimes you don't give her the moist food until later and then she binges. She should have a healthier routine."

There is a lot that I will put up with in a marriage, but the word "moist" is not one of them.

But the good news is that Husbandrinka is now in charge of Nicki's feeding. She should have six pack abs in no time. Mmmm...six pack...



Blogger Your escalator operator said...

All three (three!) of our cats are on the plump side. If TV execs ever extend the brilliant "More to Love" concept to feline dating, these babies will be first in line.

"...but the word 'moist' is not one of them." Funniest thing I've read all week.

September 17, 2009 at 2:13 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

Wow - from not even wanting a cat, now he's in charge of Nicki's feeding routine! Men are such pushovers.

September 17, 2009 at 4:16 AM  
Blogger Mwa said...

We have fat cats. I never feed them, so it's all my husband's fault.

September 17, 2009 at 4:34 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

You mean there is a direct correlation between eating and getting fat?!

September 17, 2009 at 6:40 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

That's kinda of how I got my husband to do the laundry. I made a grave mistake and now he's in charge of it. I haven't done a load of laundry since 2003.

September 17, 2009 at 8:53 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Do you think husbandrinka could be in charge of my feeding so I could have six-pack abs too?

You should see my sister-in-laws cats. They have thyroid problems. I have never ever seen cats so fat in my life.

September 17, 2009 at 9:03 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...


My hubby told me not to feed a stray cat that came up because they would stay. I caught him feeding it a can of tuna. Men are such teddy bears.

September 17, 2009 at 9:05 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

"So she's self-feeding. " WTF? Aren't all animals/mammals/zombies self-feeding?

September 17, 2009 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Sure, either she'll have a kitty 6-pack or she'll starve to death, if it's anything like my house, where I am the only ones who feed the cats.

September 17, 2009 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

After this, I think Nikki should monetize her own hate page.

September 17, 2009 at 9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you successfully offloaded another chore onto Husbandrinka by fattening up the cat?

Well done. Brava.

September 17, 2009 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Moist. heh.

I'm just happy if my damn cats keep their food DOWN instead of puking it up all over my carpet. You apparently have the overeater food disorder cat. I have the bulimic ones. FABULOUS.

September 17, 2009 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

we tried to give Giggles' cat canned cat food-she stuck her nose up at it. She loves the dry stuff oh and the dog food, but only certain ones, not all of them. So the ones she doesn't care for end up in the dog's water bowl.

September 17, 2009 at 12:15 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

You got her from the uh...well here it's the Dumb friends league, which sounds mean, but that's what it's called here. The kitteh pound right?

If a female cat is spayed too early, they get fat packs. Like almost always. Is weird. But, most places like that, spay cats as early as 8 weeks, when they shouldn't be until closer to 6 months. So maybe that happened to Nicki?

September 17, 2009 at 12:52 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

so let me get this straight...
you have entrusted the feeding of your beloved family pet to a man who:
1. is gone from home much of the time due to work-related travel; and
2. has stated in the past that he would like your home to be cat-free.
now, i'm not stating that i WANT this to happen, but if nicki were to starve to death or be poisoned in the near future, you might want to reexamine how you make your life choices. not a judgment. just a thought.

September 17, 2009 at 3:39 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

hey, peajaye, I just ran your comment by Husbandrinka and he totally denies that he is going to murder Nicki. He also had a message to you, but it was in Italian and was accompanied by some hand gestures. I think he says "hi".

September 17, 2009 at 4:03 PM  
Blogger A Mom on Spin said...

I guess I won't win catmother of the year if I only feed my cat dry food???

I like crackers.

Don't you?

September 17, 2009 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Oh my god. I'm so happy that i can comment that I can't remember what the post is about. Oh yeah, Nikki is fat. Well fed on mice.

September 17, 2009 at 7:54 PM  
Blogger Fragrant Liar said...

Some cats, no matter what you do, will still be fat. It's in their kitty genes. Not that they can fit into their kitty jeans cuz they're so fat, but you get what I mean.

September 17, 2009 at 9:45 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You should get her fat ass on a treadmill.

September 18, 2009 at 8:30 AM  
Blogger Annje said...

I have no knowledge about obese cats, but I heard the other day that "moist" was the most hated word in English... I didn't believe it until I read your post! I posted about it because I am a big nerd and linked to your post as proof. It won't bring you any extra traffic or anything, just thought I'd tell you.

September 18, 2009 at 11:30 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

just what NYC needs, another woman with an eating disorder

September 18, 2009 at 10:38 PM  

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