Saturday, September 12, 2009


Last week my daughter told me that she wanted to have steak for dinner, so I said "My offspring! Your carnivorous dreams will come true!"

I announced the good news to Husbandrinka. "On Thursday, we shall have steak!"

He looked alarmed. "You should probably wait for me to get home so that I can prepare it," he said.

Blink, I said.
Pray tell, why, I said.
"Because you overcook everything," he said.
"Just because I don't want to give my meat a transfusion while I'm eating it, doesn't mean that I overcook it," I said.

I seethed and I fumed, but I bought the steak.

The only problem was that every recipe I looked up seemed to require a decade-long marinade and I was already starting to exhibit early warning signs of famine.

Quickly, I threw on some soy sauce, after triple checking that it wasn't Karo syrup because that shouldn't happen to any junior Julia Child more than once, and I was all set.

Except I was faced with my age old dilemma. Where the fuck is the broiler?

It's my culinary Achilles' Heel. My domestic Moby Dick.

I called John.

"What are you, a retarded moron?" he asked. (Please don't be mad at him for using such politically incorrect language. Pity him. For he knows not what he does. See, Exhibit A, Stroking).

I called Papa.

"This is complex question," he told me. "You lived in apartment almost fifteen years, and you don't know broiler? Also, what is broiler?"

Mama wasn't much help, either.

"Call Husband. He good cook and smart."

"I can't call him, mama," I sighed. "Because he thinks that I won't be able to cook the steak and if I tell him that I don't know where the broiler is, he will hold it against me in a court of law, forsaking all others for as long as we both shall live."

What? Are you trying to tell me that in a moment of tremendous stress you've never confused the Miranda warning and marriage vows?

"Why he think you can't cook? You are wonderful cook, Marinka. Wonderful. When you were more young, you made best cakes. They look good. I think taste good, too, because you always ate fast. No cake left for me and papa. But you were happy. And skinny. Metabolism changes. You are not young. You diet. Instead of steak, have fish. Maybe be vegetarian. I know you can lose weight."

"Ok, but where is the broiler?"

"I don't know, but the whole internet is oyster belonging to you. Ask internet."

Mama was absolutely right. And not just about the cake.

So, I asked Twitter.

Because Twitter is like The Oracle. You ask it questions and you get answers.

A Jew-hating Oracle.

The replies started coming in and the answer became clear as day. An overcast day on which a nuclear apocalypse occurs.

Behold the wisdom:

Huge disclaimer, ironically in tiny type: You may or may not have noticed that each screen cap has a "humorous" Google search term in the upper right hand corner. I did it as a sort of "bonus" feature for careful readers. Except, I chose an unfortunate one for this screen cap, which I think makes it sound like I am calling the people who responded to me stupid. They are not. I could have redone the screen cap, but I've already spent so much time on Project Screencap that I can't spare another second. Especially since I apparently have to write epic length explanations about it. Sorry. I love all these people. And if you are still not convinced, remember which one of us didn't know where the broiler was. OMG, typing in tiny print is super difficult. I wonder if anyone will read it.

I fully appreciated it:

and then, Eureka!

I was excited to discover where the broiler is.

I broiled the steaks and they were delicious.
Although I may have chipped a tooth chewing it.
I'm not worried, though, I'm sure that Twitter will walk me through emergency dental care. Because when the stakes are high, Twitter comes through for me.


Blogger Nikki @ Blasian Baby said...

LMAO. ah the power of twitter! Glad you got the help you needed =)

September 12, 2009 at 11:04 AM  
Blogger Alpha Mom said...

i want to follow your parents on Twitter. What are their handles, please?

September 12, 2009 at 11:06 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

The last time I used the broiler, I almost burned down the house.

It was also, the best fish I ever made.

September 12, 2009 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger Jo Ashline said...

I keep my extra pans in the broiler. So I never use it. To much work to remove the three cookie sheets stored inside. Kudos to you. And tough steak is good for the jaw muscles.

September 12, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

I have never used my broiler, don't know if it's on top or bottom (even after carefully reading your tiny font and all your screen shots) and am sure I would burn steak, were I to attempt it. But then again, we just always grill.

LOVED those google searches - freaking hysterical!

September 12, 2009 at 1:30 PM  
Blogger marathon mom said...

I could never figure that out either. Luckily we have an oven now with a button that says broil. The hard part is, remembering to leave the oven door open at the "broil stop" so that the contents of the oven don't ignite. It's enough to make you want to become a vegetarian.

September 12, 2009 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger marathon mom said...

Oh you know what else my oven has???? A Sabbath setting. Are you jealous?

September 12, 2009 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I agree with alpha mom... you should get your parents on twitter.

Also, will you make me one of your famous cakes?

September 12, 2009 at 2:13 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

I always broil everything I make to give it a bubbly, crisp top. 9 times out of 10 I forget I've done that and ruin dinner. You'd think I'd learn, but no.

September 12, 2009 at 2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To prevent this problem in the future, you need to move someplace that allows you to own a grill. That's really the ONLY proper way to cook a steak, anyway. Sheesh.

September 12, 2009 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

The broiler is my BFF and worst enemy. My fav of all fav things to eat is a broiled bagel with american and provolone cheese. Unfortunately, I have no self control and continue to gain weight at alarming rates. It's like the broiler taunts me!

September 12, 2009 at 3:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Yeah, no one wants me to cook meat around here, either, for good, good reason. I do think I can find my broiler...

September 12, 2009 at 4:09 PM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

I am English. Even with all of the explanations and reading the tiny font I still don't understand the word 'broiler'
I grill my steaks. To various effect.
Handy hint: never state in advance whether the steaks are meant to be medium-rare or well-done. Determine that when they are served - that way they are perfect every time.

September 12, 2009 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger Stimey said...

Twitter saves lives. I think we can all agree on that.

September 12, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger Miz Q said...

So is it a bad thing that I have a response in BOTH your screen shots?

September 12, 2009 at 9:30 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Ovens have broilers? Is that some special Russian setting??

September 12, 2009 at 10:11 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

You are such a Martha now.

September 12, 2009 at 10:20 PM  
Blogger redgirl said...

Great post...the internet knows all.
It told me so :P

September 12, 2009 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger Vicki said...

Thanks for opening my world to broilers. I knew you were up to something with those tweets, which is why I didn't respond. Also because I didn't know what a broiler was.

September 12, 2009 at 10:43 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

You know you Tweet too much when, sitting with your brother at the local Chinese buffet, he says, "You know...I followed the Great Wall of China." And you say, "What like on Twitter?"
And he looks at you like you're stupid and says, "Googlemaps." DUH!!!

Glad you found your broiler. May I suggest a small round Webber grill for your patio? No more over cooked steaks.

And put steaks in a pan, take out inner anger on them with a fork (poking holes everywhere. Do your best Psycho immitation) and cover with Italian salad dressing. Let sit half an hour. Yum.

September 12, 2009 at 11:33 PM  
Blogger King of New York Hacks said...

When I use the broiler to cook a steak I usually wind up with charcoal for the next day's BBQ.

September 13, 2009 at 12:32 AM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I have just laughed so hard that I am crying... Thank you for sending me to bed on a good note!

September 13, 2009 at 1:43 AM  
Blogger Sophie said...

I just do my steaks in a pan.

And it sure is good to know i'm not alone in my broiler ignorance! (although my mother in law has one in her oven-from-canada or something. I must investigate)

September 13, 2009 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

Who needs Google anymore? Forget Wikipedia/Wikihow too.

September 13, 2009 at 4:14 PM  

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