Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Happy First Day of School, Children. Welcome to the Revolution.

Dear Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Friends,

In light of the murmurings surrounding our President's address to our nation's school children and the accompanying hysteria of the call to keep children home from school so that their ears won't be tainted by socialist propaganda, I have but one word to describe you and your ilk.


You heard me. Amateurs.

You think that President Barack Obama is a socialist?

Ignorant fools.

Naive cretins.

Trusting morons.

You have sucked on the teat of liberalism, not noticing that its milk has curdled.

Because I spent Labor Day weekend with my Mama and she opened my eyes.

Barack Obama is not a socialist, you innocent babes. Oh, if only he were a socialist. That's what we call the "good ole' days".

According to mama, Barack Obama a communist. A commie. A pinko, if you will.

Now, for those of you who have been more Twilight and less The Communist Manifesto for the past few years, let me school you.

According to Karl Marx (watch for his graven image to replace Abe Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore!) the stages of society are capitalism then socialism, culminating in communism. (It's totally true, I asked Husbandrinka, I don't know this shit on my own. But I do know that Vampire Edward glistens like diamonds! and I can recap the Bethanny/Kelly spats ver-fucking-batim, so we each bring something to the marriage).

So, while the pundits have paroled Obama at socialist, mama has advanced him to communist.

I was curious and eager to learn.
"What about him makes you think he is a communist?" I asked.
"Because I lived in the Soviet Union for thirty years," she told me. "I know what communist looks like."
"Well, can you enlighten me?"
"Yes, I can enlighten. Normal men don't speak to children. Normal people avoid children. The only reason to talk to the children is to confuse them and make them communist."
"Some people speak to children for other reasons."
"Yes, pedophile. Pedophile have many reason to speak to children, all bad."

Finally, something that we can all agree on. You've been warned. Keep your children at home, good citizens. Because ignorance is not only bliss, it means that you don't have to haul ass early to wait for the school bus.

Yours in capitalism, and possibly dictatorship,


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Blogger Stimey said...

Does this mean I don't have to talk to my kids anymore?

Also, I'll call your Obama as Communist and raise you one. My crazy uncle in law compared the Obama administration to Nazis.

September 8, 2009 at 1:11 AM  
Blogger A Mom on Spin said...

Mama, as always, is right. . . normal people don't talk to children, now do they????

September 8, 2009 at 1:12 AM  
Blogger Sophie said...

...commies or pedophiles... i'll have to think about this one.
Also, note:
Reading Marinka in a cafe is potentially harmful, due to coffee being spilled all over computer, lap and other people at cafe and maniacal laughter.

September 8, 2009 at 2:57 AM  
Blogger King of New York Hacks said...

Hmmmm...here's the dilemma..Can you text or Facebook your child ? Or would that make you a lavender commie...I'm going with MAMA, Commie he is... Red one. lol

September 8, 2009 at 3:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here in Sweden we have socialism - it works! And it's not pink or dangerous...

September 8, 2009 at 5:52 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Right now it appears democracy isn't working out quite like they planned. Good for us getting a commie in place.

September 8, 2009 at 6:03 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I read Obama's manifesto and I have to say, I'm glad Johnny Depp isn't a communist. Imagine if he had stayed in school - Finding Neverland might not be my favorite movie.

September 8, 2009 at 6:49 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Considering that Newt Gingrich is the Republican voice of reason, I think this might be The End of Days.

Ask Mama where that fits into the equation.

xo, SG

September 8, 2009 at 8:10 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Ok, I'm confused. Is this turning into a political blog. Gah! :o)

September 8, 2009 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

If you drive your kids to school you can wake up a little later.

September 8, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Really, who the hell does he think he is, talking to our children? WE don't even talk to our children.
Your mother is obviously right. Communism. Today, a school speech; tomorrow, no toiletpaper...

September 8, 2009 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Really, who the hell does he think he is, talking to our children? WE don't even talk to our children.
Your mother is obviously right. Communism. Today, a school speech; tomorrow, no toiletpaper...

September 8, 2009 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger WA said...


September 8, 2009 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Mom in the City said...

That is hilarious. Well, at least your mom has a "reason" why she's against the President of the United States talking to students in the United States...
-Kimberly/Mom in the City

September 8, 2009 at 10:29 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Communism is The New Black.

September 8, 2009 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger Mwa said...

I consider myself enlightened.

September 8, 2009 at 10:47 AM  
Blogger Tom Degan's Daily Rant said...


Just sit back and relax, folks. Barack Obama is only performing a routine presidential duty that has been performed by presidents for generations. There's nothing to be afraid of. He's not trying to turn your babies into mini Marxists. This isn't the Trotsky For Toddlers program. The president of the United States merely wants to have a heart to heart talk with the children of America about the importance of a good education, that's all. I promise you, we Progressives do not believe in evil, subliminal messages. Chill out!


Just kidding.


Tom Degan
Goshen, NY

September 8, 2009 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Halala Mama said...

It's incredible what some people think. And I'm related to some of those people. Shhh.....

September 8, 2009 at 11:08 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

It's completely bananas!

Did people raise such a stink when other President's addressed schoolkids? I highly doubt it and it goes to show you where the world is in 2009.

A Republican woman on TV today said she was initially worried (I wonder why ...) but after reading it, she felt it was great. Duh! What do people think he'll say?! "Rob banks for a living you little shits!

September 8, 2009 at 11:38 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

So he's a communist pedophile? Huh.

September 8, 2009 at 2:13 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Oh I hope we turn commie soon. I look great in red.

September 8, 2009 at 3:41 PM  
Blogger Suburban Correspondent said...

What I'm still trying to figure out is how he can be a Communist and a Nazi at the same time...

That Obama! He really can do anything!

September 8, 2009 at 4:26 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

And yet these very same people would have been tickled to have the Previous Occupant address their children.

September 8, 2009 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

too bad for me, my kid didn't have school today. my once chance to turn her into a commie and now look

September 8, 2009 at 6:41 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I don't know anything about Vampires, Edwards, or Vampire Edwards, though my middle name is Edward so I do know something about that, but mama is right. The moment they are preaching to kids is the moment to flee, maybe even join a vampire community.

September 8, 2009 at 7:12 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

I am SO relieved. These little people and their talking! It's enough to drive a woman to the brink (and the drink). No more talking to the children!

September 8, 2009 at 8:17 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Mamma kills me - I'm laughing so hard!

I've read Marx and I know Edward (swoon) sparkles in the sun (swoon), so I'm quite well-rounded myself.

Obama is a Progressive I think. I'm not sure because I'm apparently a Regressive, but whatev. Your Mamma is awesome.

September 9, 2009 at 12:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You crack me up this week. I think we need some propaganda posters to go with this post.

September 10, 2009 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

So when is it proper for adults to talk to children?

But since when do kids listen to adults anyway? For example, DARE was a complete flop.

September 19, 2009 at 7:46 PM  

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