Monday, August 24, 2009

Jennifer Aniston

There are things that I do not understand about Jennifer Aniston and I'm tired of living alone with my pain. If there's one thing that I've learned from my gay friends, other than that I'm failing fag haggery because I don't love show tunes, it's that Silence=Death, so I'm going to be chatty about it.

The main thing that I don't understand about Jennifer Aniston is why the fuck is she in every romantic comedy that has come out in the last decade?! I mean, how does she find the time, in between having failed relationships with men who do not approach her fabulesness, maintaining that fantastic body of hers, cashing all those Friends residuals checks and poking the Angelina voodoo doll?

I bet she has an assistant.

The sub-main thing is the whole romantic comedy genre and Jennifer Aniston. Is this really wise? I mean she was the wronged woman in the middle of one of the most public splits of the last decade. Isn't it like having Lindsay Lohan making successive movies in a "clean living is great" genre?

The sub-main thing once removed is why does Angelina channel Dr. Lillith Sternin? Is it so that we don't all die of instant jealousy? Does the UN require her to de-glam for our benefit?

The not-very-main-thing-at-all is that while I was getting a pedicure last week, I read an article in Elle by Jennifer Aniston's best friend and I could hardly concentrate on it because I thought that we knew that Courtney Cox was Jennifer Aniston's best friend.

The not-very-main-thing-at-all, subsector 1 is that now I'm not sure that the Elle magazine article writer said that she was best friends with Jennifer Aniston or just "friends". Or, OMG, what is she considers Jennifer Anniston her best friend and Jennifer Aniston just considers her a "friend".

The it could be sort of the main thing, but I'm not sure, is how come Jennifer Aniston doesn't get a cool nickname like a normal celebrity. I recommend Janniston. If she went by Janiston, she could totally also be a rap star. No more need for romantic comedies!

So, I'm sure that Janiston will be calling me soon and begging me to be her agent. In which case, she'll also be known as Janistinka. Although I'm worried about the "stinka" at the end of that name. That's gangsta and shit.



Blogger Kay said...

main - I think she did one movie that wasn't quite the romantic comedy... but I can't remember it. Maybe that's why that's all she does?

sub-main once removed - I thought I was the only one who thought of Lilith when I saw Angelina because I needed a reason to hate her, since she's got a killer body, amazing looks, and is apparently just like Mother Theresa.

I need a pedicure. Thanks for reminding me :)

August 24, 2009 at 3:15 AM  
Blogger Mwa said...

I don't really get it either. I mean, I'm sure she's lovely and everything, but I was always a Monica-girl anyway.

Now Angelina I get. Perhaps you should concentrate on her. She could be Angelistinka.

August 24, 2009 at 4:23 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Perhaps she should take up acting. Oh, wait. IS that what she is doing? It always seems like she is the same character over and over. No variety.

She definitely needs you to take over her career.

August 24, 2009 at 6:12 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

And how about the fact that most of these romantic comedies she does Suck. Yet she keeps doing more. She Definitely needs you to be her agent. Maybe you should give her a call.

August 24, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Blogger Loukia said...

Hilarious! And I need a pedicure...

August 24, 2009 at 9:21 AM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

Worse than only being in romantic comedies, she sucks in them. All of them!

August 24, 2009 at 10:01 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I was the exact opposite at fag haggery! I've been in lots of musicals and I love show tunes but I fail Super Chatty.

I was wondering about Jen too. Do people realize that she's played the same character EVERY effing time? Except that Clive Owen (yum - Clive) movie that was all dark and crazy.

I mean the SAME PERSON WITH THE SAME HAIR. And they are all versions of Rachel. How am I the only one who has noticed this?

Sandra Bullock is runner-up in Romantic Comedy movie genre; if it's not Jen it's Sandra.

August 24, 2009 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger Nenette AM said...

OMG, she's a walking tragedy, And she only makes it worse by her choice of men. She needs someone stronger than the little wimp-boys she's been seen with.

And she can also use some acting classes.

ps - I too need a pedicure.

August 24, 2009 at 12:32 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I heard Jen (may I call her Jen?) in an interview once say that she has had her hair blown-out so many times that she can actually do it herself now. Really. She can blow dry her own hair. By herself.

August 24, 2009 at 12:41 PM  
Blogger Bonnie said...


hell, i just wandered in here from somewhere else (where was that? i forget) and i am a complete unknown here and most places for that matter, but the Aniston name got my attention because i soooooo cannot stand her or any of the stupid movies she's ever done. imho she has little to no talent and i really wonder how is it she keeps getting movie deals anyway. there. hope i wasn't funnier than you, i sure would hate to have my fucking comment deleted...i think;)

August 24, 2009 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger Bonnie said...

shit. forgot to check the email box. menopause brain fart. i need all the wit and wisdom i can get.

August 24, 2009 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

Um? I'm confused what with all of those third cousins once removed.

August 24, 2009 at 2:04 PM  
Blogger WA said...

Are you just upset because The Rachel isn't fashionable anymore?

August 24, 2009 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Aniston has an assistant, Courtney is not her best friend and rumor has it she's one of those weak, sappy girls, the antithesis of Angelina.

August 24, 2009 at 3:02 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I just saw a billboard for yet another romantic comedy with her and thought pretty much the same thing and that is: we allegedly look so much a like as I'm told A LOT and yet she is rich and gets to kiss all these hot men and I don't.

okay so I didn't think the same thing but this is about me now, not Jennifer

August 24, 2009 at 3:16 PM  
Blogger rubbish said...

Hi Marinka,
Every time I read Jen or another stunning actress come out with the "I never seem to be able to meet Mr Right", I feel like puking.
Mr Right

August 24, 2009 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

That other film was "Derailed" with Clive Owen. Not romantic at all.

August 24, 2009 at 3:33 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

There are subtle differences between the characters she plays. No, wait, I think those are in the scripts.

August 24, 2009 at 6:38 PM  
Blogger Kay said...

@ Akilah - THANK YOU!!! I couldn't remember what it was :) Of course, I could have looked it up on IMDB, but that would have meant seeing pictures of her and reading her list of... uhm... movies. So instead I went crazy all night, instead of feeling all jealous and shit that she's skinny and rich and I'm not.

August 24, 2009 at 7:03 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

You totally forgot the Not sub at all, practically hitting you in the face, super main important thing, which is: how on EARTH does a woman who weighs 7.5 (very athletic) pounds have voluptuous, if slightly droopy, boobs like the one hanging out of her leather jacket on the Elle cover? Implants would be perkier. And given that she's very petite, has never had a baby and exercises like a buff fiend, you'd think the tatas would be both tiny and pert. And yet...hola cleavage! It's a ponderable, I tell you.

August 24, 2009 at 8:33 PM  
Blogger Elisa, The Unlikely Housewife said...

Poor Jennifer Aninston. She's so hot, and yet she can't find a man who will stick. Meanwhile, Brad is shacked up with Angie and their bazillion children. It just goes to show that being hot doesn't automatically make you happier. And that magazines will make fun of you when you are ugly but will find something else to make fun of when you are hot.

August 25, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Mama Coyote said...

The not-very-main-thing-at-all, subsector 1

Made me giggle today when I really needed a giggle :D

August 27, 2009 at 5:18 PM  

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