Thursday, August 13, 2009

Oy

Yesterday, I was going along my day like a normal person and then suddenly I felt Very Sick so I rushed home at top speed to crawl into bed and watch emergency afternoon TV, as needed. Except I had to stop at the supermarket to get some tea because I don't normally drink tea and I couldn't be sure what we had at home, and a lemon, because the last thing I need is scurvy on top of whatever the hell I have now and also some Entenmann's because, duh, it's delicious.

Except I almost had a cardiac incident because I walked through the whole store and couldn't find any Entenmann's and then I was all "OMG what if they had discontinued Entenmann's because the last time I had some was like 20 years ago." But I asked the supermarket matron and she directed me to the Corner of Shame where the Entenmann's was stacked. I don't understand why it has to be tucked away like that, where people in crisis can't locate it easily.

But fine. I found it. Except I couldn't find the Walnut Ring, which is what I wanted, nor the Pecan Ring, which was totally runner-up. So I had to settle for Cheese Danish Buns, which will do in a pinch but is no one's Last Meal. Anyway.

I slither home, make tea, have a cheese danish or two and fall into bed. Except now I feel feverish, so I call John to say what I'm certain is my last farewell and he says, "What's that chewing sound?" and so I have to go through this whole Entenmann's fiasco with him, utilizing what is no doubt my last bits of oxygen. And then I lay it on him. I think I have the swine flu and he says, "why, because you're eating like a pig?" which is totally hurtful and not just to the pig.

So then we started to do some internet research, and have you seen the Entenmann's website? Don't look if you tend to get seizures, but otherwise,it's a can't miss. So John and I are totally hypnotized by the website over the phone and then he tells me to make sure to delete the history because if we die in the night, and someone finds us, they'll be all "oh, those poor fucks. Died looking at cakes". And I'd rather they say something like "that Marinka, trying to advance humanity," so I'll be leaving Blogging With Integrity on my screen when I go to sleep tonight.

Good bye.
and Achoo.
and, possibly, oink.
Knock wood, of course.

Hey! Have you subscribed to my feed? Because I've taken some posts off and if they're not in your reader, who are you going to blame? Yourself. And don't you blame yourself for enough already? I know I do. Subscribe here!

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39 Comments:

Blogger Elenka said...

My emergency pastry of choice in times of illness is a jelly donut. I never, ever eat one otherwise, during times of wellness, but when I am stricken, I will crawl to the store, any store, to get one or two any flavor, except jalapeno jelly, jelly donuts. Blaming it on my infirmity makes me feel much better.
Ah, modern medicine.....

August 13, 2009 at 1:27 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

Um are you pregnant?

hmmmmm???? inquiring minds want to know.

August 13, 2009 at 2:19 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

May you wake up in the morning healed and without an Entemann's hangover.

August 13, 2009 at 2:22 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Entenmann's chocolate chip cookies hold a very special place in my heart. Right next to the Pepperidge Farm Milano cookie (mint please!).

Hope you feel better soon.

August 13, 2009 at 3:36 AM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

Oh Marinka, you are so depressing to read. Depressing in the fact that your writing is so funny that I cannot compete. Every day I laugh at your blog and think 'wow, I wish I'd thought of that phrase - that is just too funny'.
I am disappointed that your illness hasn't impacted your writing style. If anything it has made you funnier, so in that case, Get Well Soon...
*sigh* I'll just go back to my corner now...

August 13, 2009 at 5:43 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

The corner of shame in our grocery store houses the vegetables. All the pastries are front and center. That could be because there is apparently a lot of the swine flu going around in the south.

August 13, 2009 at 6:12 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Thank you very much - now I'm craving mini chocolate covered doughnuts, chocolate chip cookies and chocolate cake. You can see I have a problem. I haven't eaten Entemans in maybe ten years and I'm supposed to go grocery shopping today. How am I supposed to resist them now, after reading this and viewing that hypnotizing web site?!

ps I subscribed today. I thought I already had! oops!

August 13, 2009 at 6:43 AM  
Blogger Corey said...

The flying fork (on the Entemanns site) is totally awesome. LOVE IT! Hope you don't die. I'd miss you.

August 13, 2009 at 7:57 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Hard to believe I haven't broken more toilet seats w/ all the Entenmann's I ate as a kid.

Since they stopped making the cream filled crumb cake, I'll have to go with the chocolate latex covered donuts for a last meal.

August 13, 2009 at 8:02 AM  
Blogger Kay said...

My Entemann's top choice is the basic crumb coffee cake.
Here's the scary part... where I live now??? It's all TastyCakes and other brands. You can't get Entemann's just anywhere. Which means in a crisis, you might need to hit THREE grocery stores before going home to die.

August 13, 2009 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Thank God you found the Entenman's! Cuz if you have to die, at least you'll die happy.
Personally, I like their cheese danish and chocolate fudge cake, but like you, I will settle in a pinch.
Feel better!

August 13, 2009 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I tell you, any sniffle from someone in my house is going to get them quarantined. It's still OUT THERE unfortunately.

You'll be alright. Like Maggie said above, you're probably preggers, so congratulations.

The "why, because you're eating like a pig?" line was fucking hilarious, though.

August 13, 2009 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I've resisted the impulse to send you an Entenmann's ecard.

(Crumb cake fan, here.)

August 13, 2009 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I read this post and my nose started running. I hope just in sympathy.

Because if I bring Entemanns into this house I will have to hide away in a corner and eat in in secrecy, like a shameful cakeaholic. If my kids see it there will be none left for me :-(

August 13, 2009 at 9:48 AM  
Blogger Vicki said...

Mr. B always craves the Enteman's chocolate eclairs, which is funny, because he does not eat anything else that's sweet with a sense of decorum that approaches an SS officer's. Chocolate? Ice cream? Cake? no. Only the Entenman's eclaires. So he always constantly has to go to the aisle of shame to get them. And drink down with a glass of milk. It's a whole procedure. You're not pregnant, but maybe he is?

August 13, 2009 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

It may take you an extra day or two to recover, given that you are taking the inferior medicine and not the Walnut Ring. But trust in Entenmann's to make you well eventually.

August 13, 2009 at 10:32 AM  
Blogger abdpbt said...

I don't know, I think dying looking at cakes is kind of sweet. And romantic.

August 13, 2009 at 10:35 AM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

wait...you mean to tell me that 'Entenmanns' isn't called 'ENTIMENS'?!?! I honestly had to click away to see who the hell makes pecan rings other than ENTIMENS.

August 13, 2009 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

So sorry to hear you aren't feeling well, but omgosh you crack me up! It amazes me that even in times of death you can write such a hilarious post. Feel better and enjoy your cheese danish!

August 13, 2009 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Oh, shut up, you are just fine. Stop that whining already. J/K hope you feel better! :o)

August 13, 2009 at 11:29 AM  
Blogger Jack said...

supermarket matron

Now there is a position to aspire to. I never knew it existed, but I kind of like the sound of it.

August 13, 2009 at 11:57 AM  
OpenID shriekhouse said...

That could be their next marketing tagline... "Starve a Cold, Feed a Fever with Entenmann's". Maybe you could score a finder's fee!

Also, that "eating like a pig" crack has me extremely worried that you and I are somehow married to the same person.

August 13, 2009 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

You know Entenmann sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings, right?

Please get well. Frodo is worried about you.

August 13, 2009 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Hope you are feeling better! I, too, frequent the corner of shame. But it's Little Debbie snack cakes that remain my comfort food.

What's the difference between subscribing to a feed vs. just subscribing w/ my blogger dashboard? I know, I know, more remedial blog school for me.

August 13, 2009 at 2:34 PM  
Blogger Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Except that that post you took down the other day hadn't REACHED my reader yet, which I of course checked the MOMENT I told you to go ahead and delete, don't worry about us. Except then it wasn't in my reader and I wanted to go back and say, wait, I meant don't worry about us as long as it's already in my reader but then I was worried that sounded insensitive.

August 13, 2009 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I don't give a flying turd if you Blog With Integrity. So long as you Eat Cheese Danish With Integrity.

August 13, 2009 at 2:45 PM  
Blogger Amber, The Unlikely Mama said...

Mmmmmm chocolate frosted crack....errr donuts!

August 13, 2009 at 2:49 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

I have often wondered why the tuck the good stuff into a dark corner of the supermarket. Really.

Wouldn't it be better to put the stuff that the healthy people use all the time back in the farthest corner? After all, they like walking all over the place. Me? Not so much.

August 13, 2009 at 2:58 PM  
Blogger stephanie said...

First, you don't normally drink tea? Impossible, you're Russian. Second, best way to eat pecan ring is nuke a big slab and slather it with butter. That's how we rolled when I was a kid in Pennsyltucky.

August 13, 2009 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger ann miller said...

oh thank GOD. Forever I've been totally guilt ridden with my "I feel sick must immediately go home and vegetate" routine. When I get it in my head, there's no stopping me.

You're hilarious. Just thought I'd stop by to tell you so.

& now I want a donut. thanks!!

August 13, 2009 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger lildb said...

oh my GOD! entenmann's. i forgot about them. *how* could i have? their cream-cheese danish is like mouth heroin.

dammit. now i want some.

(i really hope you're feeling better and will live to see another entenmann's-enriched day, btw.)

August 14, 2009 at 2:03 AM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

I need to move somewhere that doesn't have Entenmann's... My shopping cart knows its own way to the Corner of Shame.

Feel better, love.

August 14, 2009 at 2:12 AM  
Blogger Nydia said...

Can I tell you ... I f-ing LOVE Entenmann's! My friend's ex-husband works for them and I thought about asking her to include some clause in her divorce agreement where she get's a monthly "stipend" for Entenmann products and forward it to me ... I regret not at least suggesting it to her ...

My "relationship" w/ those pastry bastards prompted this open letter: http://www.polymerclaysnails.com/?p=887

August 14, 2009 at 2:22 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

If it really is swine flu, you'd better lighten up on the Entenmann's. There's a correlation between obesity and swine flu deaths.

Once you're better, though, you can snarf all you want.

August 14, 2009 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger bostonmama79 said...

Corner of Shame? What kind of sick joke is your grocery store trying to pull. Doesn't anyone there get PMS?

NOBODY puts Entenmann's in the Corner.

August 14, 2009 at 8:50 AM  
Blogger Sophie said...

No Fair. Last night, I got your virus and am now sick myself. No Entenmann in Israel, and even the Pepperidge Farm orange-chocolate cookies aren't imported anymore.
I wanta puke.

August 15, 2009 at 12:39 AM  
OpenID mommygeekology said...

LOL. So now when you go to sleep, you need to position yourself for optimal blood pooling AND leave humanitarian websites on your computer? ha!

Also, hope you're feeling better!

August 15, 2009 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Kari said...

I love the flying treats on the Entenmann's website, and the little fork is awesome.

That's all.

Give me a break, I have a headache.

August 16, 2009 at 2:10 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

i would have respected you way more if you'd gotten the glazed donuts or the chocolate fudge cake.

pecan ring? Paleeeasse

August 16, 2009 at 2:55 PM  

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