Thursday, August 6, 2009


Husbandrinka had a cold.

"Achoo!" said Husbandrinka.

Marinka tried to be sympathetic. "God Bless You!" she said. "And God Bless America."

Husbandrinka didn't stop Achooing.

"Please stop," Marinka suggested.

"Achoo." Said Husbandrinka. And then blew his nose.

"Speaking of an elephant stampede," Marinka said, "It's been a while since we've been to the zoo." (Blogging with integrity disclosure: Marinka didn't really say anything about the zoo. she just wanted to work in that Husbandrinka blowing his nose sounded like an elephant stampede. Also, if Husbandrinka reads this, Marinka may be SuddenlySingle, so please try to think of who you can set her up with. Her requirements are modest: Handsome kazillionaire.)

"I think I don't have a cold," said Husbandrinka. "I think I have allergies."

Marinka recommended Dr. Sneezy to Husbandrinka. Dr. Sneezy was their daughter's allergist.

"Is he a pediatrician?" Husbandrinka asked before going. Marinka reassured Husbandrinka that Dr. Sneezy saw people of all ages, shapes and sizes. Although everyone that Marinka saw in Dr. Sneezy's office looked to be under the age of 12. Or a midget.

"I have news," Husbandrinka said when he came back from his appointment.

"News!" Marinka exclaimed. Marinka believed that no news is good news and NEWS! is disaster.

"I have a dust mite allergy and am allergic to trees," said Husbandrinka. "We will have to make lifestyle adjustments."

Lifestyle adjustments included:

* Buying a $900 vacuum cleaner to suck up the dust mites, because regular vacuum cleaners give dust mites clemency.

* Buying new pillow/duvet/mattress covers so that the bedding industry in the United States does not have to ask for a bail out.

* Chopping down every tree in Manhattan, and depending on the wind patterns, in New Jersey and/or Brooklyn.

* Buying a lot of other things which translate into Marinka not having a new fall purse come September and possibly dying her own hair, instead of having a homosexual doing it for her.

Marinka looked through catalogs that Husbandrinka brought home. Catalogs like Allergy Control Products and Mission: Allergy.

Marinka grew sad. "It's almost easier to get rid of my dust mite collection," she thought.

Marinka called Gay Friend John to share the news.

"Husbandrinka is allergic to dust mites," Marinka told him.

"Everyone is allergic to dust mites," John counseled.

"He is also allergic to seasonal trees," Marinka confided.

"I am not allergic to seasonal trees," Eavesdropping Husbandrinka rolled his eyes. "I am allergic to trees and have seasonal allergies."

"Yes, seasonal allergies," Marinka repeated. "Like Christmas and Thanksgiving."

John was worried: "Are you ok, Marinka? Is there anything that I can do to help?"

"Thank you for asking, John," Marinka said. "I appreciate your kindness."

And then they wished each other good night and hung up.

Because if there's one thing that Marinka is allergic to, it's bad manners.

If you are in the NYC area and would like to join me (with kids!) at the Bronx Zoo tomorrow, Friday, August 7th from 11 am to 1 pm for fun-filled, kid-centered activities, including taking in some exhibits, a Q&A with a representative of the National Association of School Nurses about flu (including the swine flu!) and more excitement, please email me at MarinkaNYC (at) Gmail (dot) com.



Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Will there be a further discussion of dust mites? Yes? I'm there!

August 6, 2009 at 7:44 AM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

We have a dust mite collection. It's a BIG collection. Also, I want to marry my Dyson.

August 6, 2009 at 8:39 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Does this mean you now own a dyson? Your cleaning lady must be one happy lady!

Wish I lived closer so we could join you at the zoo!

August 6, 2009 at 8:42 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Maybe if I sneeze enough I can make some lifestyle changes. Just not the ones you did....

August 6, 2009 at 8:48 AM  
Anonymous Inna said...

Poor Husbandrinka. I have seasonal dust mite allergies as well. They are fixed with nasal steroids. Therefore, I now have a very large, strong, nose. He should try it. Unless he's jewish like me and possibly may not want a bigger nose...

August 6, 2009 at 9:49 AM  
Anonymous C @ Kid Things said...

So glad nobody in my house is allergic to dust mites, because MY GOD. That would not be pretty.

I would, however, love to be allergic to Thanksgiving and Christmas. That way, I could just stay home and not deal with the whole family thing.

August 6, 2009 at 10:03 AM  
Anonymous Jane said...

Dust mites, mush mites, pleeease,
I have never in my life gone one single day without sneezing!! Life style changes..... wtf
Cowboy up Husbandrinka!
Sorry I mean no disrespect

August 6, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

you know how you are supposed to clean out the filter thingy on your dyson? if you never use it, you don't have to clean out the filter. little house-keeping tip for you...

August 6, 2009 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger Nicole Flemister said...

Just shoot the fucking husband and go shopping for the new fall wardrobe with the life insurance... Problem solved!

August 6, 2009 at 11:36 AM  
Blogger Mwa said...

I have no patience with sick husbands. Not my best quality.

I would LOVE to come to the zoo. Shame I live on a different continent.

August 6, 2009 at 1:40 PM  
Blogger Andrea (ace1028) said...

Poor Husbandrinka. I know of what he suffers. You could always move down South, like I did, and the Seasonal Allergies will change. Unfortunately the dust mites follow you. Or at least they followed me. Go figure.

August 6, 2009 at 1:43 PM  
Anonymous Audrey at Barking Mad said...

We've told the dust mites, and their first cousins, the dust bunnies that they either start paying rent, or hit the road.

I found a penny in my bed the other night. I'm assuming that means they are staying put.

August 6, 2009 at 1:51 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

Men are babies and should be quarantined until eternity. Well, maybe let out during fertile seasons. On second thought, that could lead to more men. Nevermind. Keep then chained.

August 6, 2009 at 2:23 PM  
Anonymous Jason said...

This is a great site you have. I have a paranormal blog myself and I would like to exchange links with you. Please let me know if this is possible. You can contact me through either email or simply by a comment on my site. Talk to you later. Jason

August 6, 2009 at 2:36 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Marinka needs to quickly find the location of the nearest BAX3000 machine, made by BioAllergenix, and get Husbandrinka to it, ASAP. It will "fix" his allergies so that Marinka can, indeed, have a new purse for fall, and can avoid strenuous vacuuming/dusting/cleaning.

Seriously - my baby girl has had severe (DEATHLY, let's say) allergies since 4 months of age, and is almost nearly cured. It takes awhile for those pesky ones to finish being treated.

But dust mites and seasonal, no, trees, whatever? Two visits. Really. No more listening to Husbandrinka whine! Who could ask for more?

August 6, 2009 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I am so glad that your lifestyle changes will not require cutting down all of the trees in Westchester.

August 6, 2009 at 4:32 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

Hand the man some Zrytek and tell him to deal. Half the dam world is allergic to dust and trees. Ha. I am so nice.

August 6, 2009 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

It would almost be easier to get rid of your dust mite collection...I bow to your comic genius.

How I would love to join you at the Zoo tomorrow, if I were anywhere near the New York area, which sadly, I am not.

August 6, 2009 at 5:11 PM  
Blogger Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I beginning to think there is a conspiracy out there somewhere that is driving allergists to claim "dust mites" as a catch-all that really means, we have no idea what is wrong with you, but here, go out and spend a bunch of money on all these hypo-allergenic times that will do no good at all, but will keep you off my back for awhile and I also want you to spend all kinds of money on drugs. For the rest of your life. Because we have no idea what's really wrong. Why do I think this? Because I have been going through this EXACT SAME THING for the last 3 or 4 years and I am no closer to remedying it. Grrrrrrr......!

August 6, 2009 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I don't even want to think about dust mites. Had to deal with lice last August and I feel as if that's as small and icky as I want to go. Of course, dust mites may not even really exist. Which means your husband should deal, return the vacuum and let a homosexual dye your hair.

August 6, 2009 at 5:56 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

This has nothing at all to do with this post but I just have to tell you that I love you forever and always for what you wrote on the latest "poop" post. I am not worthy.

August 6, 2009 at 6:36 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

The Hubster and The Son have allergies and I had to buy a bada$$ mofo vacuum to save their lives.

If I don't dust frequently enough, Hubster accuses me of attempted husbandcide.

August 6, 2009 at 6:37 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, my God, I have a dust mite collection too! Is this why my daughter needs an inhaler???
You could start a whole new cottage industry, advising people about medical issues.
Now go vaccuum!

August 6, 2009 at 7:12 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Apparently you are secretly married to me and didn't know it because I am allergic to precisely those things too. The pillow and mattress covers made a HUGE difference for me. I bought them at Bed Bath and Beyond rather than through any place more expensive. Also, I used my 20% coupons (you can use five per trip, one per item), which helped. Also, I have 80 frajillion of those coupons, so tell me if you need some.

As for the tree problem? May I recommend zyrtec?

August 6, 2009 at 7:43 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

clearly your husband needs to work harder and buy himself a different apartment to live in alone, I mean, not alone, alone, he deserves to be able to take the vacuum

August 6, 2009 at 10:59 PM  
Blogger Elisa said...

Oh, I'm so sorry Marinka! I have a husband with seasonal allergies too and it's no fun to hear them whine. I still think we beat that with labor and monthly cramps, but I guess they like to have their shot to complain.

I would love nothing more than to join you at the zoo tomorrow, but alas, it's a bit of a trip. Say hi to the butterflies for me, will you? I always hit the Butterfly Garden when I go. It's like Fairytopia in there (yes, yes, I have two girls.)

Ok, I'll shut up now.

August 7, 2009 at 1:40 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Did someone kill Marinka and is now writing in the 3rd person? Or is that 2nd person. Shit.

August 7, 2009 at 8:01 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

At least he's not allergic to the cat. Although he might be at Christmas, I'm almost positive that is what seasonal allergies mean.

xoxo, SG

August 7, 2009 at 9:50 AM  
Blogger Swistle said...

I too am allergic to dust mites. This was discovered when I was a child. The allergist told my parents what we would need to get rid of to eliminate my allergic reactions to dust mites: carpets, curtains, stuffed animals, clothing, hair, mattresses, pillows, blankets, sheets, all upholstered furniture.

I take 24-hour non-drowsy allergy medicine instead.

August 7, 2009 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

When my husband keeps sneezing, i finally tell him to shut the hell up. It's stern but still supportive.

August 7, 2009 at 3:25 PM  
Blogger Kathleen Lewis said...

Mr. Schill has the unfortunate habit of sneezing exceptionally loud as well. It must be an "I desperately need attention so I'm going to exaggerate my symptoms so you can't ignore me" husband thing.

Funny stuff, mara :)

August 7, 2009 at 4:09 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

First of all, I forgot to tell you that I think you are a genius.

Second of all, what is with the sudden bout of Girl-Scout-Leadership?

August 7, 2009 at 9:57 PM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

You make me all giggly inside.

August 7, 2009 at 10:50 PM  
Blogger Nicole Feliciano said...

Great to meet up at the Kleenex event. You can see my pics, video and post here:

August 7, 2009 at 10:58 PM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Hmmm...Husband has been sneezing a lot around here...perhaps he is not so fond of our dustmithes???

August 8, 2009 at 10:09 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I'm here with my AXE. Someone said we were cutting down a few trees.

August 8, 2009 at 4:19 PM  
Anonymous Tela said...

I think "Andrea's Sweet Life" is on to something. I've been considering BAX 3000 Therapy for my own seasonal allergies. They have some compelling testimonials on their website Any one else have experience with this therapy?

October 6, 2009 at 9:07 AM  

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