Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Good Night Prayer

I'm back from the BlogHer conference in Chicago and I'm going to blog about someone behind her back. I am feeling very brave because she lives on the other coast and there's like a whole ocean between us and I'm pretty sure she's too tired to swim across it to kill me.

It's about my BlogHer roommate Stacey. You know, beautiful Stacey of the lyrical posts?

So,the first night we're going to sleep in our way-too-soft bed and of course I'm all "what if she falls asleep first and then I still awake and I'll be up all night," except I don't say that because I decided that I want my persona for this trip to be more "hip" and less "kookoo".

So I say, "Goodnight! I hope we don't die in our sleep!" which is a totally cool improvement of the "Now I lay me down to sleep" thing, because it shows that I am thinking of other people as well. If I were self-centered, I'd have just said "I hope I don't die in my sleep". I'm practically an atheist Mother Theresa. With freckles.

So I wish us life, and instead of saying "thank you," like a normal person would, Stacey says, "yeah, that would really suck because if you died in your sleep, your blood would pool to your ass and who wants to find that in the morning?"

And scene!

I am sharing a room with someone whose biggest concern in finding me dead in the morning is that my ass is filled with blood, because, she seems to believe that it is the center of gravity of my body or the lowest point or whatever and she doesn't want to get all skieved out on the way to getting her morning chai latte. You can certainly see how my death would be an inconvenient distraction.

So all sorts of questions go through my mind. Like. Why does the BlogHer '09 brochure have this fake Q&A that, honest to God, has questions like "what is the weather like in Chicago?" and "Should I bring my laptop? What if I don't have one?" but is totally silent on the whole, "Roommate is all CSI-y and I'm not feeling yawny."

And what kind of a person would upon finding me dead check on my ass instead of pounding on the bed and keening, "no, God, take me, not Marinka!"

Stacey claims that there is medical support for this, but no way in hell am I googling "ass" "blood" and "poop". Or ever sleeping again.


Blogger Aunt Becky said...

It's a good fucking thing that I wasn't your roommate. I would have sat on you and you would have smothered to death and I would have had to try and pretend that it was Dooce that did it.

July 26, 2009 at 8:20 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

One thing I love about that Stacey is that she's no Pollyanna. Girlfriend is practical. Of course, if you'd roomed with me, I would have totally fawned all over your lifeless form in the morning and beat my breast in a bereft move worthy of a Greek Tragedy (not a Greek chorus).

But then I probably still would have had chai latte with Stacey. Those things are seriously hard to resist.

July 26, 2009 at 8:34 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Enjoy the keywords in your analytics for this one.

July 26, 2009 at 9:07 PM  
Blogger coleface said...

Umm, this is hilarious. I was getting excited to hear some real juicy stories from this Blog-her thing, because Ryan didn't come back with any. Apparently all of you people actually like each other, and don't talk shit behind each other's backs. I am glad he got to meet you.

July 26, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger Loukia said...

I think I really missed out on a great weekend. I'm going next year, for sure. NYC!

July 26, 2009 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

Mmmm, great pre-bedtime reading. Bloody anuses and death. I'm topping off my wine with a book instead of the blogosphere.

You jackass.

July 26, 2009 at 10:00 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

I meant lovely jackass, by the way.

July 26, 2009 at 10:00 PM  
Blogger amber said...

I think I would have been more concerned with you "fouling" yourself in the bed next to me :P

July 26, 2009 at 10:10 PM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I am so pleased that you didn't die in the hotel room. Stacey has only recently spewed forth life and could have gotten depressed and that just wouldn't be a good thing...


July 26, 2009 at 10:11 PM  
Anonymous Halala Mama said...

Now, I thought she was are perfectly able to sleep, just don't die there... and yeah, no way would I Google that combo, especially in the "images" files.

July 26, 2009 at 10:31 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

oh, that stacey! i must say that i am a living, breathing entity and my blood always seems to pool in my ass (and thighs) on a regular basis. hate to think of what it'll be like when i die.

July 26, 2009 at 10:54 PM  
Blogger That one girl said...

Well, if it did pool there, at least your butt would look a little more tan than white...

I mean, that is a good thing, right?

Minus you dying and all of course.

July 26, 2009 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I just came over to say thanks for the hug.

I know they are hard to come by.....


July 26, 2009 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

Am I a sicko if I find that really funny!

July 26, 2009 at 11:22 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Man, the worst thing shallowgal did was lock me out. I'm one lucky girl.

July 26, 2009 at 11:29 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I'm so glad I got the chance to meet you, if only briefly. Sorry for that "stalky" moment. :)

Cannot even get my head straight to post...blah...maybe tomorrow!

July 26, 2009 at 11:50 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

I love that story.

I'm so glad that I got to hang out with you at BlogHer. You are even funnier in person. Truly. You are my humor inspiration.

July 26, 2009 at 11:59 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

Staey is so cool, and so are you.

July 27, 2009 at 12:06 AM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

Oh my Lord - you are too damn funny. I going to Vegas in 2 weeks for a weeding and bunking with my mom and aunt...I also NEED to be the first to fall asleep. Maybe for luck I'll try your hopes that they will lay awake pondering what the fuck if wrong with me to say something like that.

July 27, 2009 at 12:29 AM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

Um, I meant "wedding" in my post...I don't do or sell weed and I definately don't like to work in my garden.

July 27, 2009 at 12:30 AM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Are you sure she didn't say that just because she was fixating on your ass?

Just a thought.

July 27, 2009 at 12:46 AM  
Blogger gretchen said...

Maybe Stacey had decided that her persona would be more "kookoo" and less "hip". Though I personally think that actually knowing that when one dies ones blood pools around ones ass is damn hip.

July 27, 2009 at 1:02 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I might love you all just a little too much to defend myself? No. That is totally scientifically true.

And, after checking your ass, I would absolutely dial 911 before passing out from grief. THEN chai, for recovery purposes only.

July 27, 2009 at 1:11 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

ps, there is no ocean between us. only land. i could reach you in three days if i wore depends like that astronaut chick. #geographicallychallenged

July 27, 2009 at 1:14 AM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

Wow - why don't they show this on CSI?
"Yeah, we got Jane Doe, died in her sleep - look at all the blood pooled in her ass. Well, at least the Good Lord has her soul, I guess. Jeez guys, what does it take to get a chai latte round here?"

July 27, 2009 at 4:21 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Too funny. I'm so glad I got to meet you and hang out with you at BlogHer! So much fun!

July 27, 2009 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

I had to read every comment on this one, and laughed all the blood right out of my ass, so I guess I'm not dying and have to go to work....

July 27, 2009 at 8:16 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Now I'm going to be picturing your ass all know, covered in blood.

July 27, 2009 at 8:27 AM  
Anonymous Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

"Why is the bed spinning?"

That's what I say at conferences instead of good night. Just so you're prepared.

July 27, 2009 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

God, she could've been more supportive; clearly you needed some words of encouragement. Didn't she know anything about you!!
More stories please! Hurry!

July 27, 2009 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

And it's not like you could have raided the mini bar or anything!

July 27, 2009 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

Wow. It's a whole new level of disturbing. Congrats. And I thought I had some bedtime issues.

July 27, 2009 at 10:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Great to finally track you down this weekend! I wish I hadn't been hungover pretty much every hour of daylight. I might have made a different impression.

July 27, 2009 at 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

So sad I missed out on Educational Opportunities such as this by not going to BlogHer. Oh well! There's always next year.

July 27, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I find Stacey's comment very informative.

I plan to sleep on my stomach from now on 'cos if anything is going to pool, I'd like it to pool in my flat chest so I can finally have some boobage and get buried in a low-cut, v-neck top.

July 27, 2009 at 11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I'm glad I read this in the morning after waking up, although I am somewhat concerned about where my thoughts will drift as I lay next to my snoring husband tonight.

July 27, 2009 at 11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, is it pathetic that I knew this story but that I still found your post funny?

July 27, 2009 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger Amazing Greis said...

LMAO! So glad to have met you in Chicago! I had a blast.

Stacey is a hoot, though I would have never imagined her not worried about bringing you back to life if she found you non-responsive in the morning. Ass blood? I would have never thought of that.

July 27, 2009 at 11:41 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...


And, so happy to have met you.

July 27, 2009 at 11:55 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Sounds like you had the perfect roomy.

July 27, 2009 at 2:02 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

I would think that you would accept by now that NOTHING comes between Stacey and her (Starbucks, natch) chai latte. Nothing.

To expect anything else is terribly selfish of you.

July 27, 2009 at 3:19 PM  
Blogger King of New York Hacks said...

Wow ...must have been some event. Ass , blood, poop...I think I'll do a drive by at the next one. LOL

July 27, 2009 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

You are all cracking me up! I needed this today. I miss you all! ...and Akilah? Holy shit. You write the best comments EVER!

July 27, 2009 at 4:02 PM  
Anonymous P.K. said...

Okay, the way I read this post (carefully), it would seem that you and Stacey slept in the SAME way-too-soft BED? You know, I've stayed in a hotel before, so I know they have rooms with two beds in them.

July 27, 2009 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger ConverseMomma said...

Oh, I get this one. Loved my roomate too.

How excited are you that Blogher is in NYC! As a long island girl, I'm shitting myself with glee.

July 27, 2009 at 5:08 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Where are you?

July 27, 2009 at 5:39 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

I'm sorry that I missed this! I'm enjoying reading all of the great Blogher posts. Can't wait to go!

July 27, 2009 at 5:50 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Can I just say, thank Gawd you weren't sleeping on your stomach. Who KNOWS where the blood would have pooled.

July 27, 2009 at 5:58 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

I am so happy to have met all you wonderful people.

P.K.--Apparently, turning South Carolina gay isn't enough for you and now you want to inflict it on Chicagoland. Stacey and I are god-fearing women, you know. We had separate beds.

July 27, 2009 at 6:20 PM  
Anonymous Amanda of ShamelesslySassy said...

I don't know what she's so worried about. After all, hotel mattresses are probably awesome at soaking in large amounts of blood. So it likely wouldn't pool up too much. Just sayin'.

July 27, 2009 at 6:26 PM  
Blogger BabyonBored said...

I wonder if you'd died and gotten any blood on the mattress if you'd have to buy it? I'm just saying that staying alive may have also saved you a buck or a thousand.

July 27, 2009 at 11:37 PM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

I want your next post to be about all the sickos you drew to this post cos of the words in it...

July 28, 2009 at 4:33 AM  
Anonymous Audrey at Barking Mad said...

OK this settles it...*IF* I ever do get the balls to go to BlogHer, I am not rooming with anyone. I do not want my (potential, hey it could happen...with MY luck!) death to be blog fodder, especially if this whole blood filling my bum thing turns out to be true. Nope, no roomies for me.

Besides, I snore. I think. Well, maybe not, but no one wants to sleep with a potential snorer anyhow.

July 28, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger butwhymommy said...

That story plus flappy was one of the highlights of my weekend. Glad I met you.

July 28, 2009 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I was wondering why that pamphlet didn't ask something like: What if I get to blog her and my roommate tells me if I die blood will come out of my ass? what do I say to that?

July 28, 2009 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger Mama Coyote said...

*falls over laughing*

*just keeps laughing*


*laughs some more*


July 28, 2009 at 4:55 PM  
Anonymous P.K. said...

PLEASE SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT: When blood pools in a dead person's ass, it doesn't actually at any point LEAVE said dead person's ass, right? The hotel mattress is safe, people, assuming Stacey doesn't in fact MURDER Marinka in her sleep by stabbing her in the ass.

July 28, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Amber, The Unlikely Mama said...

But P.K., if she dies she's gonna shit herself. The mattress is fucked either way :P

July 28, 2009 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

See how much worse it could have been, Marinka, my favorite roommate of all time. I didn't say a word about shitting yourself if you died in your sleep, that was all Amber.

You struck roommate gold, my friend.

July 29, 2009 at 7:32 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

So, do we get a follow up with all of the freaks who've been lead to your site with that?!

And, it was a joy to meet you. For reals.

July 29, 2009 at 8:13 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I can't stop laughing.

Am a little sad that I missed any CSI'ness from her on Thursday night. She didn't put out, she didn't think about me dying...I should find a new stalker I think, cause she obviously doesn't really like me.

July 29, 2009 at 10:40 PM  
Blogger Renee said...

I really appreciated reading this post because as I lay dying in bed yesterday from an aneurysm (horrid migraine)this was all I could think about. I was dying and all the blood in my body was going to pool in my ass and when my dh came home from work that's what he and my three littles would see. Not that anyone would check on me before then or notice that I was mia. So thank you. :)

July 30, 2009 at 9:59 AM  

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