Monday, July 13, 2009

Pick Your Poison

I woke up on Sunday morning and casually asked Husbandrinka how would he kill me if he were so inclined and he had a really unfortunate reaction that included saying things like "is this a trick question" and "there's no way that I'm answering THAT".

What's with all the secrecy?

Look--we get up every morning and go through our routine, go to work, come back, take care of the kids, do various household chores, attend to television watching responsibilities, and we're sort of living parallel lives and all that. I thought that the weekend would be the perfect time to reconnect.

He refused. Flat out refused.

Clearly it's not because he's never considered it. I'm not that big of a fool. Which led me to conclude that he didn't want to tell me because it would tip me off as to what to expect. Which is super unfriendly and not a nice way to treat the mother of most of your children.

And although I was going to let it go and just blog my pain, he had the nerve to bring it up as we drove out to the lake. (I know that you think that I'm using the foreshadowing device where he drowns me, but that didn't happen. I'm not literary-devicy like that. What's that clap of thunder?)

"Why would you ask such a thing?" he accused me, stabbing me optically.
"Because I was curious," I demurred.
"Who talks about murder first thing in the morning?" he poisoned my mood.
"It wasn't first thing. First thing, I had to get the cat out of our room because she was walking on my hair," I genuflected.
"Still, I think it's odd," he strangled my hopes of a peaceful drive.
"It's not a big deal. It's obviously hypothetical," I begged.
"It's not a normal thing to ask your husband," he shot.

I don't understand how I am supposed to live with that kind of hostility.


Blogger marathon mom said...

That man totally is memorizing the commemorative Lifetime Movie Network Boxed Set - Betty Broderick edition. I would be careful if I were you!!!

July 13, 2009 at 12:19 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I just can't believe he stabbed you with his eye. What kind of reaction is that?

July 13, 2009 at 1:08 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

I'd have thought that was the point: you're *not* meant to live...? He's obviously going to kill you with subtleties. Bastard.

July 13, 2009 at 2:50 AM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

Poor husbandrinka. He lives a tortured existance.

July 13, 2009 at 6:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, this post rocks. I seriously love the dialogue at the end.

Very writer-devicey. ;-)

July 13, 2009 at 6:57 AM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

From the reaction he gave, it is clear to me that you posed the question at the exact same moment that he was developing his plans.
He was either defensive because he suspects that you have the ability to somehow read his mind, or panicking because his final solution was not well-formed enough not to be ridiculed.
Or maybe he does just want to kill you with the suspense... Oh, so very clever, Husbandrinka....

July 13, 2009 at 7:00 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Maybe he's just not a morning person. Try asking him again during sex.

July 13, 2009 at 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

Genuflecting can be bad for your health, or so I hear. Maybe the way Husbandrinka will kill you will involve Niki. Maybe that's why he's acting all like "I hate that cat and the way she pees on the bed" but really he's using her to hide the poison.

July 13, 2009 at 8:45 AM  
Blogger Imogen Lamport said...

At least your husband talks to you - mine barely speaks a word to me - and he's probably plotting my death as I write this.

July 13, 2009 at 8:54 AM  
Anonymous Wendi said...

"Very funny," I said while pushing you down a flight of stairs with my thoughts.

July 13, 2009 at 9:10 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Men are just so clueless when it comes to answering a simple question.

July 13, 2009 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

I would watch my back if I were you.

July 13, 2009 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Husbandrinka really shouldn't be so unreasonable. I think you have a perfectly legitimate right to know his plans.

July 13, 2009 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger IB said...

Next time you want to bring up the question, start by telling your husband how you'd kill HIM. You know, as an ice-breaker.

July 13, 2009 at 11:09 AM  
Anonymous Crystal said...

I've asked this of my husband before. All he does is laugh. That can't be a good sign.

July 13, 2009 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I'm going to ask Hubster this when he comes home. If I get more than the usual blank stare (he's used to my insane questions), I'll let you know.

July 13, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Did you know that I cannot comment on anyone's post anymore that I like their "pictures" or "pics." I now always stop, backspace, and type "photo".

I'm not sure I even agree with your papa.

Oh, and your husband will probably do it slowly, with irritating remarks, like most husbands.

July 13, 2009 at 12:40 PM  
Blogger Amanda Gibson said...

I'm pretty sure my husband already has some sort of elaborate plot that includes fish hooks or a terrible "hunting" accident. I know exactly how to push ALL of his buttons (and when we argue I try and push all of them at once) and I know for sure he's given the whole "what if I just lose Amanda in the woods?" scenario some serious thought. That's why I avoid hunting, camping and fishing at all costs. It's not because I hate it, it's because I know it's part of his PLAN TO KILL ME.

July 13, 2009 at 12:58 PM  
Blogger Mwa said...

You so should get an answer to that. I think that's a perfectly legitimate question.

How would you kill him?

July 13, 2009 at 1:58 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

What's wrong with that guy?

This has got to be my favorite post of yours.

July 13, 2009 at 3:32 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

I'd be suspicious; he obviously has an answer prepared and is freaked out that you asked. Be very very careful!

July 13, 2009 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

LOL and ROFLMAO at your post.

And shrieking with laughter mentally (coz I'm at work) at the comments!!!

July 13, 2009 at 4:13 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I think he would feel better if you told him in great detail exactly how you would murder him. That would put him right at ease.

July 13, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I can not believe that when you asked and he wouldn't tell you that you drove to a lake with him. A LAKE>????? Now that is just asking for trouble.

Glad you made it through the weekend.

July 13, 2009 at 6:46 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

men do NOT understand us. Perhaps we should write a manual.

July 13, 2009 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

You're reading Twilight aren't you...

July 13, 2009 at 10:43 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

It's so obvious. A purse strap. Can't you read between the lines?

July 13, 2009 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

Good GODS woman! You crack my arse up!


July 13, 2009 at 11:27 PM  
Anonymous Halala Mama said...

I'm afraid to ask Ismael that question - he probably would answer it. In an oddly specific manner.

When he's at his end with me, I always smile and say something like, "isnt it GREAT being married? I mean don't you just loooove it?" Of course, this is at times when I am being totally unreasonable, like insisting he get off cnn and into the car so we can go see the bad movie he picked out....

July 14, 2009 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Elisa said...

I think he was trying to kill you with self-hatred and guilt. Hence all the questions during the drive. 'cause in the car you couldn't get medical attention right away. Ha! We are totally onto him.

July 14, 2009 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger Annje said...

If he were really smart, he would tell you a lie--a totally different way he would kill you, which you would report in your blog... then when he decided to really kill you (god forbid, of course) he would use his "real" method but would not be a suspect...

And morning is the best and only time to talk about murder.

July 14, 2009 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger Ani said...

i asked my husband this once too - long ago before he was my husband - shortly after we became a couple actually - you can never be too careful these days you know.
He told me he would suffocate me then cover me in flowers and walk away...
its actually pretty romantic if you think about it and so far he hasn't followed through with it although some days i am sure he thinks about it... !!

July 16, 2009 at 8:47 PM  
Blogger amber said...

What a perfect way to start the day! I really meant that. I love twisted hypothetical conversations :-)

July 18, 2009 at 12:21 AM  

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