Saturday, July 11, 2009

Are You There, Gynecologist? It's Me, Marinka!

Yesterday I had my annual gynecological check up and enjoyed a few profound thoughts, most of them in the crotch to the ceiling position, courtesy of the special examination chair that my doctor uses that flips me over so that my head is below my knees, much like it is in a beauty salon, except no one washes my hair while I'm at it.

Profound Thought Number One: My friend Wendi told me once that she thought the hardest job in the world was to be William Shatner's love interest, but I have to disagree. It's the woman who has to stay in the room while the doctor is doing the gynecological exam. You know the one I mean, the nurse. Who's there to make sure that the doctor doesn't fondle you and that you don't falsely accuse him of sexual improprieties.

I do not understand this at all.

First of all, why is this person not present every other time someone touches a part of my body? Because I'm pretty sure that my hair colorist is more turned on by my hair than my gynecologist is by my pap smear. And my hair guy is gay.

Second of all, are the doctors really protected by this? Because couldn't you say "of course she's going to back up the doctor, SHE WORKS FOR HIM!"

I mean, wouldn't it be better if instead of the woman witness there, they had something else, like a video recording of the exam? Because that way, it could be on You Tube and everyone could judge for themselves.

Profound Thought Number Two: I'm worried that my gynecologist isn't really a doctor. Ok, so he delivered my son 8 years ago. He's a solo practitioner, plus, he covered a huge midwife practice (until they closed), I've been to his office more than thirty times and he has never missed an appointment because he was delivering a baby. I mean, how is that possible? So I am super suspicious. Maybe I should report him.

Profound Thought Number Three: My blood pressure was slightly elevated because (1) I was sure that I was dying; (2) I was worried that my blood pressure would measure high; (3) living with Husbandrinka has really taken its toll on me. So, I've decided to lose weight. I'm thinking of using "The Secret" method of thinking thin thoughts and playing lots of Karen Carpenter music. But just in case that doesn't work, expect many cranky posts from me in the near future.

Because up until now, my posts have been life-affirming.


Anonymous Halala Mama said... I'm super jealous that your doc is a solo practitioner. Mine is in a practice with five others and when I was pregnant I had to see ALL of them in case he wasn't on duty when the baby came. That blew the big one. Let's thank God for scheduled inductions.

And the chair? Okay, that's just weird. It would provide YouTube with some pretty graphic shots though.... You'd be a star.

July 11, 2009 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger TeacherMommy said...

If I had been drinking my coffee while I read this, I'm pretty sure I would have snorted it all over the keyboard.

Your doctor sounds suspiciously magical. I'd check his license were I you.

July 11, 2009 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger IB said...

This post confirms for me what I have long suspected: It's better to be a guy.

July 11, 2009 at 11:30 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I've slowly grown to hate my annual pap. And because I had an abnormal result, I have to go back after 6 months instead of 12 months ... which is this Tuesday. What fun!

July 11, 2009 at 12:12 PM  
Blogger Mwa said...

Took me a while to work out what you meant. I thought surely, he wouldn't "flip you over" because that would make for an awkward position.

We don't get chaperones over here. And I do know of someone who was assaulted by a gynaecologist but who wouldn't dare sue. Never thought of chaperones, though.

Very funny post. Good luck with the thin thoughts.

July 11, 2009 at 12:28 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

This doctor sounds like a quack.

My gynecologist doesn't use a third party witness and always video tapes my exams.

Plus I have to pay $9.95 to see the videos online, so I know he's legit.

July 11, 2009 at 1:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Cranky, you? Never.

July 11, 2009 at 1:18 PM  
Anonymous Wendi said...

I think you should write this up as a new show proposal for The Spice Channel. Possible title: Hot Paps!

July 11, 2009 at 1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That chair sounds sort of horrible! I'll take my standard table/lounge/thing that they put in most doctor's offices, thankyouverymuch.

July 11, 2009 at 4:35 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

When you first were describing this position, I thought you were talking about this weird contraption I've seen on the 'be a hairstylist show' on Bravo - the one where you're upside down when they cut your hair? Not familiar with it? Glad that's not the one you were in during your appt. I hate ob/gyn appts - but this did make me laugh, of course!

July 11, 2009 at 6:30 PM  
Blogger ella said...

Yes, yes, yes. I myself was in the *new* chair just last week and it's not fun. Just as I was making peace with it, the front part folded down and left all my bits flapping in the breeze. Then the chick comes in to watch.

I'd really rather take my chances with getting a little GYN action than dealing with an audience. I'm 43. I've had 3 kids. The doctor? He's seen it all. The 25 year old assistant? She was probably horrified...

July 11, 2009 at 7:39 PM  
Blogger Bella said...

Make Gyno exams WAY more entertaining! Learn to throw your voice today!

July 11, 2009 at 10:46 PM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

I can't believe everyone is letting you get away with that Karen Carpenter joke :) shame shame.

July 11, 2009 at 10:50 PM  
Blogger Abbey said...

In line with Wendi's comment, I think the porno could be named, 'Aye Papi'. It made me laugh anyway.

I've always wondered the same thing about the back up nurse. What if they are having some sick affair where she enjoys watching him...well, you know. Aside from that, I've gotten a breast exam from a female practioner that seemed way more innappropriate than the gyn.

July 12, 2009 at 9:30 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Hilarious. I too am dying. I am most certain it is a brain tumor, it seems to me each time I touch my head, my skull has changed shape.

July 12, 2009 at 10:51 AM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

How is it that you can make me shoot coffee through my nose and make me shudder all in one post?

Dam, you're good.

The secret, huh? You know I tried that once. On playing the lottery. Haven't won yet. Might need to actually play though. Dam that's a hard concept. Maybe it will work on losing weight?

July 12, 2009 at 12:25 PM  
Blogger zelzee said...

How pathetic is my life, when the only way I can get any action is to go and pay for a GYN visit.

And I always end up with the nurse practitioner.

Yes, pathetic.

July 12, 2009 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I have a female gyno so there are no witnesses. That's okay right?

July 12, 2009 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I wonder how many views a smear video would get. Coupla 100 perhaps? But what kind of human being would...

July 12, 2009 at 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

That reminds me. I need to make my annual inspection appointment. Not only are you an inspiration, you're a walking PSA. The more you know (TM). I hope my gynecologist has the new special chair, too. It sounds fun.

July 12, 2009 at 3:08 PM  
Blogger Nanny Goats In Panties said...

That gives me an idea for a new blog where my niche would be "Your Vagina: For All The World to Witness" or something like that. Each post would consist of a photo, or even better, a video, of women's pap smears. People could weigh in in the comments section as to whether or not they felt the doctor
a. acted appropriately
b. acted inappropriately
c. has ginormous hands
d. talks too loud (you don't want the other patients hearing what's going on in the next room, for God's sake)

I might be worried about what would appear in the Google Adsense ads, however.

July 12, 2009 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

This got me to thinking about a soft core porn movie (which I, of course, never personally saw, I just heard about from, you know, people) where Emanuelle goes to see this show somewhere in Souteast Asia where the woman can blow smoke rings with her, you know, parts. If they start videoing my pap smears, I'm totally taking lessons to learn to do that, then freaking out my GYN.

(Holding that in won't give me cancer, will it?)

July 12, 2009 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

The Secret and Karen Carpenter!! That is just too hilarious, and I am so jealous that I haven't thought of that yet.

July 12, 2009 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger Alejandra said...

You know, you also left out the awkwardness that must certainly arise out of having your job description be "making sure my boss doesn't fondle the ladies." Who wants that kind of pressure? And how awkward must the yearly reviews be when the doctor has to sit down with the nurse and explain that she did a good job this year of keeping him in line.

July 13, 2009 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger Alejandra said...

Oh..also. Why is it that female doctors don't have to have someone in the room? Do lesbian doctors have to have someone in the room? What about gay male doctors? And isn't the whole premise behind this the idea that men, even doctors, can't control themselves when faced (quite literally) with a vagina?

July 13, 2009 at 10:58 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I can't wait til you vlog your obgyn appointments.

July 13, 2009 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger p.huong said...

This is exactly why becoming an OB/Gyn is not on my list of possible career options. I wouldn't want to get in a sexual assault case with a lesbian and setting up cameras in my own office would make me uneasy.

July 15, 2009 at 2:27 PM  

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