Monday, July 6, 2009


John got an iPhone last week and our relationship is in deep peril. As is the future of our country.

He keeps forwarding email crap to me and I'm sure that the only reason that he does it is so that the ridiculous legend at the bottom, "sent from my iPhone", can mock me. He knows that I am insanely jealous and yet he seems to be unable to stop himself. I told him to disable it or I'd disable him, but so far he hasn't. Not only that, when I call him, this is how he responds:

"Answered on my iPhone: Hello."
"Fuck you," I say.
"Insult received on my iPhone," he says.

He also told me that his iPhone gave him a handjob, but I totally doubt it.

I'm super intrigued by an application that he told me his boytoy has. It's called Grinder and it has a GPS system shpowing where you are and where other guys who are cruising for a hookup in your area. Like their exact location. So if you're in the Village in NYC, your screen looks like Tokyo at noon. (I'm assuming that Tokyo at noon is very crowded, but I'm not an expert in these things. Of course I could have said midtown Manhattan at noon or Times Square, half an hour before curtain time).

I explain all this to Husbandrinka and hypothesize that if gay marriage were legalized, people wouldn't have to resort to this kind of shit, and Husbandrinka says, "I wonder if they have this for straight people, too."

And I'm sure that he is just asking because if there is one thing that Husbandrinka loves it's equality and he wants to make sure that everything is fair, and it hurts me to have to tell him that they probably don't have it for heterosexuals because then they'd have to specify if they're a boy or a girl and Apple can't really handle such a sophisticated technology, especially now that Steve Jobs is recovering after surgery. I mean, I'd log in, looking for a hookup and find someone conveniently a block away and get all excited, rush to the site, only to see that it's another woman. So then I'd have to either be all sexist and say, "sorry, men only" which is totally rude or become a lesbian which could destroy my family, to say nothing of the moral fiber of our society. I''m sure you see the predicament.

Ok, so I just spoke to John and apparently, Grinder shows a small photo of the person who is hookuping, so potentially you could see if you're meeting a boy or a girl. I don't know how Apple comes up with this stuff, I really don't, but I'm sure that it will be a huge relief to Husbandrinka.

Wait! I am guest blogging at Scary Mommy's today. Please go and read and comment. Because otherwise she'll have me killed. She's scary, you know!



Blogger Jen said...

I came over from ScaryMommy's place. You are fabulous and if you hubby's doesn't stop rubbing the fact that he has an iphone in your face that phone may just 'accidentally' end up in the washer.
At least that is what happened here and it was a totally accident. ;)

July 6, 2009 at 7:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

rofl i was going to comment but now im laughing too hard. it could accidently fall in the toilet too. no phone can recover from that. trust me.

that hookingup thing is a little ... disturbing. lol

July 6, 2009 at 7:52 AM  
Blogger TeacherMommy said...

SO you're telling me that iPhone is totally contributing to the moral downfall of our country?

I knew there was a reason I didn't need that thing...

July 6, 2009 at 8:51 AM  
Blogger momtrolfreak said...

LMAO, I effing hate the iphone, don't give in! Personally i don't WANT people to be told I just answered their e-mail from my phone, or they'll judge me for not being at my desk: how dare I take a lunch? TMI, IMO. And the iphone doesn't let you type with your fingernails. Therefore it sucks. Get a pal pre, it's supposed to be even better--all the iphone tech but with a slide out qwerty keyboard! i don't think it has the booty call app though--but for that you can just do it the old-fashioned way: go in an airport restroom and tap your feet.

July 6, 2009 at 9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love my iPhone. But here is what I want to know:

where is the app that does laundry, or cooks dinner, or makes me skinny? hmm? not so impressed with Apple anymore are you?

July 6, 2009 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

He may have the iphone, but you have that luscious Vivienne Tam mini!

July 6, 2009 at 10:05 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

It sounds like the iphone is seating up for world domination. I feel so backwoods on my Blackberry.

July 6, 2009 at 10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL. My husband has one. I didn't give in, of course, preferring the intellectually and morally superior G1, based on open-source Android technology.... teehee.

July 6, 2009 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

"So if you're in the Village in NYC, your screen looks like Tokyo at noon."

That gave me my laugh of the day!

July 6, 2009 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

I'm not sure I can handle Scary Mommy, cause that Grinder thing is scary enough for me . . .

July 6, 2009 at 10:31 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I am very relieved that Grinder shows a small photo of the person because that way you can totally be sure that you aren't being chatted up by someone who is 58 years older than you or something. I mean, it's ped@phile protection. Good on you, Steve Jobs, for keeping random hook ups safe!

July 6, 2009 at 10:58 AM  
Blogger Loukia said...

You are hilarious, you know? Of course you know. You are fabulous!

July 6, 2009 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger Black Hockey Jesus said...

Having an iPhone is like being in the highest caste in India. I barely even talk to people who don't have them. They should just hush and sweep the streets.

July 6, 2009 at 12:39 PM  
Blogger Mwa said...

Too funny, this post. Except for the bit where another person has an iPhone. I so badly want one I'm surprised my eyeballs haven's started to bleed. Even my MOTHER has one!

July 6, 2009 at 1:29 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

Mr. B has one. He makes me feel smug when he pulls it out every time as well, so you're not alone. "Oh," he says, "can your phone to Twitterfon? Can it do GPS? And take pictures? Mine can." That's when I asked him if his phone can cook dinner, because I won't be doing that.

July 6, 2009 at 2:09 PM  
Blogger Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Way too funny. Love it!

July 6, 2009 at 2:18 PM  
Anonymous Halala Mama said...

LOVE it. I'm going to answer my cell that way so my husband wonders what I am up to.

...sent from my IwishPhone.

July 6, 2009 at 2:48 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

Do you know about the easy button app?

Apparently that is the most productive tool that my husband could find for his ridiculously expensive iPhone.

It puts a button your phone. You push it and is says "that's what she said".

You know. Cuz punchlines are hard.

July 6, 2009 at 3:23 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I held out forever but recently I did get an iphone. And then my husband retorted by getting the upgraded model a few months later. I call his the better-than-my-phone.

So you see, there is even hierarchy - even here in the upper echelons ;-)

July 6, 2009 at 3:38 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i'm not sure if i'm more depressed over the existence of this 'grinder' app or the fact that i, a gay man, have to read a mommyblog in order to stay current in the gay world.

July 6, 2009 at 5:32 PM  
Anonymous Auds at Barking Mad said...

I thought the IPhone was annoying until my hubby recently got a new Blackberry. Now all of his emails and messages are tagged with, "Sent from my phone cleverly named after a fruit."

He's constantly doing "things" on, even, actual WORK. So annoying.

If he fails to cease to annoy me with his damned phone, which is cleverly named after a fruit...said phone will be jam!

July 6, 2009 at 5:49 PM  
Blogger WkSocMom said...

peajaye's comment was awesome.

Does that count as an R-rated app? because I've heard one of the benefits of the new 3GS is that there are parental controls, so finally they can take the clothes off the lingerie-clad women in the girly mag app, or whatever it's called. Thank goodness we have this incredible technology.

I have the oldest model and covet the new one, not just for the nude photos.

July 6, 2009 at 7:11 PM  
Anonymous Sandy said...

Thanks for visiting my blog! I wasted no time in subscribing to yours, because we obviously have the same sense of humor and sarcasm. I am mad jealous of anyone who has an iphone (I don't say things like mad jealous in real life, but whatever).

July 6, 2009 at 7:34 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

I used to think they were mocking me too. Then I started answering email on my crackberry and it adds at the bottom, dent from my At&T crackberry. eh, what can you do.

Please find out though if it can track people, cause that would be so fun to mess with peoples heads, that I might just go and buy the dam thing.

July 6, 2009 at 8:21 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

I love my iPhone, but your friends shouldn't tease you about it because that's just cruel.

July 6, 2009 at 11:00 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

i heard the newest iphone actually can give you a handjob.

July 6, 2009 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

I heard the next iPhone model can clean your apartment.

July 6, 2009 at 11:27 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

I'm intrigued by the iPhone but I think it would confuse me. I JUST started texting not too long ago and I think adding a bunch of applications might just send me into panic mode. I can picture myself racing around the house with the iPhone grasped in my hand screaming, "What do I DO? WHAT DO I DO?"

July 6, 2009 at 11:39 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I'm not quite sure what to say. I can suggest that you give Husbandrinka a slap next time I says that iphone noncense.

"Answered on my iPhone: Hello."


(it's quite tricky to spell the sound of a slap so just go with that one ok)

July 7, 2009 at 1:15 AM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

Hilarious! We both have iPhones but I tell you, hubster is having a relationship with it. He's Twittering, and being a Twat on it all. the. goddang. time!

July 7, 2009 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger Elisa said...

Everybody has an iPhone. And people won't shut up about it. So really, Jon has just joined the cult. Maybe you should take his iPhone away, just to help him ;-)

July 7, 2009 at 1:20 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

why can't I be 25 now? Do they have this for divorcees who stay home and do jigsaw puzzles all night b/c they can't get a date?

July 8, 2009 at 2:58 AM  
Blogger Janine said...

I hear ya.

However, we all know that iPhones are for those who aren't at all serious about such devices. The educated, serious consumer purchases a Blackberry. Oh sure, the iPhone is a snap to use. But you see, nothing is easy on a Blackberry because the makers of Blackberry only want intelligent people to own them.

Also, my Blackberry sends the message "Sent by my Blackberry" in both English and French. I'm really so above average it is scary.

July 12, 2009 at 6:17 AM  

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