Thursday, September 10, 2009

Some People Don't Love Themselves Enough

Best gay friend John called me on Tuesday night to let me know that he was having a stroke. Apparently, he had a very bad headache and he was sure that a stroke was imminent.

Like most normal people, he wanted to spend his last few moments on earth with me.

Unfortunately, his timing wasn't a great time for me because Young Ladrinka was on step 15.9 of the 42 step night-time ritual, where he emerged from his room carrying a Star Wars light saber and wanted to hear my top five reasons why we couldn't have a light saber fight right there and then and I had to go and yell and threaten, as needed.

Anyway. John and I talked for a few minutes, I provided some medical advice which included and was limited to his taking some Tylenol and then I told him that I needed to get off the phone. To get the kids to sleep.

"You still have those kids?" he asked.
"Shut up," I said. "Can I call you later, or are you going to be stroking?"
"What?" Apparently his stroke had robbed him of his hearing.
"I want to call you later, if you're not stroking."
"That's disgusting," he said, actually sounding disgusted.
"What?"
"Don't say things like that out loud. You think I'm sitting around masturbating, waiting for you to call?"
"Are you insane?" I asked rhetorically. "I was wondering if you were going to have a stroke. You know, stroking."
"Oh. I thought you meant would I be busy sitting here stroking my penis, so I wouldn't be able to talk."

Ok, I'm not a sexologist, but who strokes his penis? Doesn't that take approximately forever?

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19 Comments:

Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Um. I actually thought you meant stroking his penis, too. And I READ the beginning of the post but my dirty, dirty mind only thinks one thing when it sees "stroke"...

Hangs head...

September 10, 2009 at 12:56 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

According to that Billy Squire song, "Stroke Me", it is an option for men.

Now that you mention it, it probably does take forever.

September 10, 2009 at 6:12 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

I totally understood it as stroke(ing) which is why at the end I spewed my hot tea across my macbook, in laughter. You really ought to include a warning before your post for prudes like me.

September 10, 2009 at 7:51 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

I guess we as women can't really know for sure, because we're better than men...penis-free, baby!!!

September 10, 2009 at 7:58 AM  
Blogger Amber, The Unlikely Mama said...

HAHAHAH....seriously had me giggling. So....was he, ya know, "stroking" when you called him back?

September 10, 2009 at 7:59 AM  
Blogger Woo222 said...

HAHAHA! I usually have a dirty mind, but I knew what you meant. I love that he didn't. ~Susan

September 10, 2009 at 8:10 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I have heard it is something some men do. I have long thought it an urban myth. Perhaps it is not, because I've also heard some men prefer to do it slowly. I think that sounds like a tremendous waste of time. Maybe it's because I usually have a lot of things to do. All in all, it's good I don't have a penis.

September 10, 2009 at 9:48 AM  
Blogger HappyHourSue said...

LMAO! Hilarious. Also, can your let your gay BFF know that I am seriously looking for one? ( a gay BFF not a penis.)

September 10, 2009 at 9:51 AM  
Blogger Frau said...

I love it...I totally thought the same as your friend but now I have that damn Billy Squire song in my head it's like 9th grade all over again.

September 10, 2009 at 11:06 AM  
Blogger Jennuine said...

Dammit!

I want to say something that means "I laughed,yes OUTLOUD, super hard at this and was rolling -- no, literally, ROLLING -- as I read it and you are my favorite and the prettiest ever" ... but LOL is what you say when you don't know what to say anymore, almost like an "eh" and ROFLMAO just isn't really taken all that seriously anymore ... so you should know that I almost spewed something out of my nose. I hope that is clear and precise enough?

September 10, 2009 at 11:18 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

i'm not even commenting on the stroking thing 'cuz i'm just thinking about your son and the light saber and god why is it that at bedtime they can't shut their little mouths? why?

September 10, 2009 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger AmazingGreis said...

I, too, read the entire post and still thought of "stroking" as in his manly parts when I read that sentence. My mind is definitely usually in the gutter, nothing new here. LMAO

#snort

September 10, 2009 at 12:02 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I laughed out loud at this too, but at the part about your son with his light saber and being on step 15 of a 42 step night time ritual.
Maybe because I'm a nurse, I got the "stroking" part right.
I got my son a life sized light saber at FAO Schwartz for Christmas when he was 19, and we still have light saber fights, tho not so much at bedtime, these days.
BTW, if you're ever really "Stroking," take (chew) an aspirin, not a Tylenol; it might actually help save you.

September 10, 2009 at 12:07 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

ROTFLOL!!
Ah, Marinka!
During my brief (1 month) and horrendous exile from having internet access I missed your blog so much.

Thanks for the laugh. I am totally with you on the Star Wars thing. My son is 4 and has not one but 2 light sabers (Daddy needed one, of course).

September 10, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger my7kids said...

I knew exactly what you meant.

But as for the other thing, my dh (20 yrs. older than me) is now over 65 and lately, if it comes to that particular act, it DOES take like forever. Seriously, one could fall asleep, wake up and start where one left off.

Come to think of it, just about ANY act in that department takes WAY longer than it used to. Just sayin'.

Sorry if that is way too much information

Nikki

September 10, 2009 at 5:56 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Hm...funny how that's the first thing he thought of. I'm sure that's EXACTLY what he does in between phone calls with you.

September 10, 2009 at 9:20 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

I love gay friends. They make life so much more interesting. My BFF is lesbian and I don't think "stroking" would have the same comedic effect.

September 11, 2009 at 2:56 AM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Men.

And I say that for John's mind being in the gutter and Ladrinka's desire to sleep with a lightsaber.

Now that I am isolated out in the countryside with my husband and sons, I am constantly overwhelmed by the testosterone.... halp me!

September 11, 2009 at 6:19 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I dunno, but I think maybe you need to watch this: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm.html

September 11, 2009 at 2:49 PM  

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