Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Flock. Without the "l" and with a "u" instead of the "o".

A few years ago, the New York Times had an article about Asperger's Syndrome, which is sort of a condition where people are really good at math and have impaired social skills. Basically, it's high functioning autism. I think. The point is, many women in NYC read the article, reviewed the symptoms and promptly diagnosed their husbands with having it. (Ok, so because I'm a hypochondriac, I also diagnosed myself with Asperger's, except I'm sort of bad at math, so I probably had a terminal case, God forbid.)

Anyway, there was a lot of cocktail-hour-type talk, "oh, so this is why when I ask my husband if I look fat, he looks at me and says 'yes, you do' and it was all nice and merry.

Now I didn't really think that Husbandrinka had Asperger's, but I did think that he benefited from my wisdom in social situations.

"Now, you're going to meet Lauren at this party," I'd explain to him as we headed out. "She has a very huge nose. There's a saying in Russian 'it grew for two, but only one got it'. And she's the one who got it. It's impossible not to stare at it, but don't. Just look somewhere else. And do not tell her the Russian saying that I just told you. And don't mention anything nose-related. Like don't bring up bloodhounds. Or Barbara Streisand. As a matter of fact, try erring on the safe side and breathe through your mouth. Ok? Do you have any questions? Why did you just blow your nose? Is that a subliminal dig at noses? Oh? I don't remember your having a cold before. I suppose you're going to dapple in snorting cocaine, now, just to keep up with the nasal motiff. Whatever. I'm just trying to help."

So after one or eighty of these training sessions, Husbandrinka may have hinted that if I did something like that again, he'd have me killed and not even dental records would help identify my remains. Did you know that Hallmark actually makes a card that says that? I know, I was surprised, too.

After a lot of consideration, I decided to save my marriage and stop giving Husbandrinka "social hints". And now I'm paying the price.

Because Young Ladrinka was invited to go away for winter break to sunny Florida with a friend of his. The only thing that the inviting mom asked is that we please not tell the kids about it because (1) only a few boys were invited and (2) if we tell the kids now they will talk about this nonstop until winter.

Can you guess which faux pas Husbandrinka committed while talking to one of the other non-invited parents on the first day of school? Which is really unfortunate, because after a discussion with my mama, which consisted of hypotheticals such as 'how will you feel if the plane crashes, he gets the swine flu, he gets eaten up by an alligator, he returns with a thick Boca Jewish accent", I decided to keep him with me over break. And maybe until my coffin is lowered into the Earth.

24 Comments:

Anonymous Coco said...

You are rich. Just flowing with hilarious.

Love it.

September 16, 2009 at 7:14 AM  
Blogger A Mom on Spin said...

Did you have to offer his spot to the other kid??? You know, the who husbandrinka spilled to beans to???

September 16, 2009 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger Mwa said...

All of a sudden I see the benefit to having a shy husband.

September 16, 2009 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

I don't yet have a husband.
I am learning so much.

September 16, 2009 at 7:56 AM  
Blogger ~Laura said...

Love the post, especially the last line! I do the same thing to my husband. He often asks me how I think he's gotten this far in life without my coaching. I tell him, I really don't know...

September 16, 2009 at 8:04 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Why can't husbands just TAKE the social coaching? Do they not realize it would make their lives AND OURS so much easier?

September 16, 2009 at 8:37 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

I'm also self-diagnosed with Asperger's (and lousy at math). If I send you potential social situations, will you provide coaching? Because I've got a BBQ coming up for work that I'm really dreading....

September 16, 2009 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger LivingLifeBackwards said...

My son has been diagnosed (by a professional) with Asperger's... let me say this.. you DEFINITLEY don't have it LMAO. Ever seen Napoleon Dynamite? HE's based off a person with Asperger's... and that's my kid to a "T" my kid wears wrist bands and all. sigh.

September 16, 2009 at 8:56 AM  
Anonymous Stepiphany said...

I was getting really excited about your little tutorials and thinking that could work for me and mine, until you related how poorly they were received. Why on earth doesn't that man appreciate your brilliance? Did you explain to him how you could have averted this current disaster?

September 16, 2009 at 10:30 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

Sorry, but I blame Boca-boy's mom for this one. I mean, so the parents of the uninvited boy find out NOW instead of LATER that their son has been left out - so what? They're gonna find out sooner or later, no? Or was Boca-mom going to make the boys take the "Omerta" - the vow of silence. "Yes, you boys can join us for a week of fun in Florida, but you can't tell anyone about it." WTF? I think your mama would put that kind of behavior into the "pedophile" category: "Shh, boys, we have a SECRET!" I mean, c'mon, you should be PRAISING Husbandrinka.

September 16, 2009 at 10:39 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

LOL why are husbands like that?!

September 16, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

so, are you saying there is an open spot for the Floridian vacay? Because my dog is a great traveling companion.

September 16, 2009 at 11:19 AM  
Blogger Smart A$$ Mom said...

so, are you saying there is an open spot for the Floridian vacay? Because my dog is a great traveling companion.

September 16, 2009 at 11:19 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

So, omg, this Aspergers thing isn't a thing at all. It's simply a new name for male asshole.

September 16, 2009 at 12:12 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

My eldest will come over to your house and loudly tell you what a shitty job you do cleaning. Oh yeah, he's autistic. It's AWESOME.

September 16, 2009 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Men. To punish husbandrinka I think you should talk in a Boca Jewish accent until winter break.

September 16, 2009 at 1:47 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

The doctor is testing my husband for mercury (thank you Jeremy Piven for this new phobia). I'm thinking that unless there is mercury in beer and potato chips, that is probably not his issue.

Does your husband eat a lot of fish?

September 16, 2009 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger GrandeMocha said...

I told my husband that HIS niece has lost some weight and he should tell her she looks nice because it would mean so much more coming from a man. He told his sister. Who probably never told her daughter. It is annoying!

September 16, 2009 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger countryfriedmama said...

I give my husband similar advice, then I inevitably spill the beans myself. He thinks it's funny. He is wrong.

September 16, 2009 at 4:18 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Wait... you are actually choosing to keep your kid with you? You do have some sort of brain issue, I think.

September 16, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

My husband can't handle the most basic of social situations. He'll meet someone 1000 times and not remember. Meanwhile, like the stalker I am, I will know what car they drive, what their kids' names are, etc.

September 16, 2009 at 10:13 PM  
Blogger VaBookworm said...

I haven't got a husband... I'm socially inept enough on my own though. If I were married, we would probably never be invited to anything. We'd be perceived as a paired disaster... like thunderstorms and tornadoes or tsunamis and floods.

September 16, 2009 at 11:49 PM  
Blogger Elisa, The Unlikely Housewife said...

Gah. men seem to have no idea whatsoever of what is socially acceptable and what isn't. In my case I think it's even more "HUH??": Aren't Swiss people supposed to be masters of diplomacy??

I hope your hubs' faux pas didn't create a diplomatic disaster in the class, I know how quickly those things can go downhill ;-)

Good luck!

September 17, 2009 at 12:51 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

okay, so Husbandrinka is really 6?

September 18, 2009 at 10:39 PM  

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