Saturday, May 9, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

I had a sappy, heart wrenching tale of motherhood all ready for this weekend, but then I decided to blog about something else. But I'd already typed the "Happy Mother's Day" blog title, and I was too lazy to change it. Besides, it makes me seem super timely, so you might as well enjoy the day for all I care. I know what you're thinking. I should work for Hallmark.

So this morning, I took both kids to a class and then I realized that I had an hour and a half of free time, so I decided to go home. Now, I was going to be home about two hours earlier than Husbandrinka was expecting me, which made me a little nervous. Because when the kids and I are not home, I sort of assume that Husbandrinka is having sex with a neighbor or something. Please don't mention this to him because he'd be really offended since our neighbors' average age is dead. Maybe he got someone from the neighboring building, I'm not an expert in whores, so I don't know how these things work. So as I'm walking home, I'm thinking that catching Husbandrinka and whorinka is really going to fuck up my weekend and possibly my marriage, and by the time that I get to our apartment building I am totally enraged and don't think that I will ever forgive him. But I bravely say "hello" to the doorman and head upstairs.

I don't have my keys and the door is locked, so I ring the doorbell. And then, because I am who I am, I put my finger over the peephole to frighten Husbandrinka, so that when he looks to see who's interrupting his tryst by ringing the doorbell, he'll be scared, as well he should be.

Except he doesn't come to the door.

So I ring the doorbell again. Repeatedly.

Still nothing. No footseps. Nothing.

And now I really have to pee. Like a racehorse. On steroids.
So I start to call him on my cell phone, which re-enrages me because I can't hold my finger on the peephole at the same time as I'm dialing, so I am forced to release the peephole and at that moment Husbandrinka opens the door.

"What the fuck?" I say, suddenly not having to pee at all. "Why didn't you answer the door?"
"I thought it was Nicky jumping on the piano," he said. Hmm. She has done that before. And no one ever rings our doorbell because the doorman always announces visitors, so we just open the door, before anyone has a chance to ring the doorbell.

And he didn't even look through the peephole to see who was there. So my whole plot to scare him was completely wasted. Some people just don't appreciate it when you majke an effort.


Anonymous Coco said...

Too cute. Don't you hate it when someone ruins your suprise...

May 9, 2009 at 3:33 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

He should have had the decency to be drinking directly from the milk carton or dancing nekked to really loud music. What's his problem, anyway? Not making use of free time in a nefarious fashion - pshhht!

May 9, 2009 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think I have a friend who is an expert on whores, in case you have further questions.

May 9, 2009 at 3:54 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I thought you were going to say you caught him crafting some handmade mother's day gift for you. And that it was YOU who ruined HIS surprise!

May 9, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Well I appreciated it. Does that count?

For the record, I always put my finger over the peep-hole of every door that I get to that has one. Stands to reason really. Why should they know who I am until they open the door?

"too lazy to change it" but happy to write an entire paragraph explaining the title. One of life's little paradoxes...

May 9, 2009 at 4:26 PM  
Blogger Priss said...

Why does your doorbell sound like a piano? It should sound like angelic harps being played in your praise.

Except it should also sound like your voice yelling at your husband for doing something in your imagination that makes you extremely angry, but only he can hear that. So he'll think he's going crazy. Which he should for doing such despicable things in your imagination.

May 9, 2009 at 5:34 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

LMHO That is super funny. I don't have a doorman, but I do have a peephole, that I can't actually see through because it's too damned high up on the door. I've always wanted one of those 'peep doors' That would be cool ... anyway ... I just don't ever open the door ... to anyone! Not even the UPS guy. (Unless I know he's coming.)

May 9, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger Captain Dumbass said...


May 9, 2009 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

Funny, when you said you were going to be home earlier than expected and the kids were away and you were scared..I THOUGHT you were going to say that you were scared Husbandrinka would force you to have sex...I guess that's just me...I could not POSSIBLY be any lazier than I am.

May 9, 2009 at 8:44 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

I didn't mean "force" exactly, "guilt into" are the words I should have used...

May 9, 2009 at 8:45 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

There's not any chance he was busy shoving Whorinka out the bathroom window all that time that "Nicki was jumping on the piano" is there? I'm trying to be helpful here by pointing out that you potentially had a right to be enraged, but I'm not sure it's coming across as helpful. But, seriously, I AM trying.

May 9, 2009 at 9:23 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Glad I'm not the only crazy suspicious person.

May 9, 2009 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger my7kids said...

I was going to say, "He killed Kenny," but Captain Dumbass beat me to it.

Geez... 7 kids... I don't think we have EVER had an hour and a half alone in the house. But then again, 7 kids...

jesus_iscomin AT yahoo DOT com
My7kids Recycled Yarn Shop
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My Thoughts on Life, Yarn, Kids, and Other Stuff

May 9, 2009 at 10:56 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

He really should treat you better on Mother's Day weekend.

May 10, 2009 at 12:09 AM  
Blogger jon said...

You should get a novelty doorbell that plays La Cucharacha so you won't get it mixed up with the piano. Unless Nicki learns how to play that somehow.

May 10, 2009 at 1:23 AM  
Anonymous Maravonda said...

Marinka, I, too, think that MommyTime may have the right idea that Whorinka may have been parachuting out the window, The whole "Nicki playing the piano" story does not ring of truth. I'm just saying...
And as an aside, you are a strange and wonderful woman...Happy Mother's Day!

May 10, 2009 at 6:37 AM  
Anonymous Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

This would so happen to me. Happy Mother's Day!

May 10, 2009 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger WA said...

Finally, someone even more paranoid than me.

May 10, 2009 at 9:20 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I'm with Dumbass- bastard.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

May 10, 2009 at 9:34 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

so nicky has the ability to keep hitting the SAME note(s) on the piano over and over again?... okay, whatever, if you're willing to buy it - i'm not gonna start trouble.

May 10, 2009 at 2:50 PM  
Blogger Elenka said...

You had me cracking up! You are too much.
I hope you have a great Mother's Day!

May 10, 2009 at 2:58 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

I always envision catching my daughter with her boyfriend. . . sometimes I don't open the garage and sneak in the house . . .

May 10, 2009 at 5:37 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Somehow, this story left me hanging. Damn husbandrinka.

May 10, 2009 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger CSY said...

I just don't understand why men are SO inconsiderate! How dare he ruin the tissy you worked yourself into!

May 11, 2009 at 11:30 AM  
Anonymous Christy said...

Damn him!

May 11, 2009 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Still, did you check under the bed??!!

May 11, 2009 at 6:54 PM  
Anonymous selphie said...

this might be my favorite blog post ever.

May 11, 2009 at 9:50 PM  
Anonymous MommyGeekology said...

I'm with selphie. Whorinka could still be there. Check the closet, too!

May 13, 2009 at 4:50 PM  

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