Post Partum Post
After my son was born, I developed a mild case of insanity, although the technical term may have been "moderate insanity" or postpartum depression, for the purists. Everything made me cry.
Papa tried to comfort me.
"You waited a long time to have baby and your hormones are confused. You are like a person who never had the cake and now you went to the cake festival and ate very many cakes. And now you are sad. If you had baby at twenty like normal people, you would feel happy now."
Mama tried to comfort me.
"Having the baby is so important and everyone is so happy. Feel cheerful."
Husbandrinka wasn't without wisdom, either.
"All women are nuts after they give birth. What's for dinner?"
My baby was very cute but had a huge nose.
"Well, at least we know he wasn't switched at birth," my anti-semitic friend John told me as he goose-stepped around the nursery.
He also didn't seem to eat a lot. (My son, that is. John's appetite remained healthy).
"Ok, I'll meet you at the office in a few hours," my gay pediatrician told me one Sunday. He put him on the scale. "He's gaining weight normally," he reassured me. "These kids will give you a fucking nervous breakdown if you let them. That's why I'm on the pill."
But what really put me over the edge was that I was convinced that my son was a dwarf.
"Look at his legs," I told papa. "They seem short."
"He's the baby," papa said.
"Don't his legs look short?" I asked mama. "In comparison to his body, I mean."
"All the men have short legs," mama said. "That's why they look so unnatural. You never noticed this before?"
"I'm worried that he's a dwarf," I told Husbandrinka, "although he is in the 95th percentile for height."
"That's a very rare condition," Husbandrinka told me. "Tall dwarves."
I honestly don't know how I survived with these people around. I think it was my inner strength and wisdom that saw me through.
Papa tried to comfort me.
"You waited a long time to have baby and your hormones are confused. You are like a person who never had the cake and now you went to the cake festival and ate very many cakes. And now you are sad. If you had baby at twenty like normal people, you would feel happy now."
Mama tried to comfort me.
"Having the baby is so important and everyone is so happy. Feel cheerful."
Husbandrinka wasn't without wisdom, either.
"All women are nuts after they give birth. What's for dinner?"
My baby was very cute but had a huge nose.
"Well, at least we know he wasn't switched at birth," my anti-semitic friend John told me as he goose-stepped around the nursery.
He also didn't seem to eat a lot. (My son, that is. John's appetite remained healthy).
"Ok, I'll meet you at the office in a few hours," my gay pediatrician told me one Sunday. He put him on the scale. "He's gaining weight normally," he reassured me. "These kids will give you a fucking nervous breakdown if you let them. That's why I'm on the pill."
But what really put me over the edge was that I was convinced that my son was a dwarf.
"Look at his legs," I told papa. "They seem short."
"He's the baby," papa said.
"Don't his legs look short?" I asked mama. "In comparison to his body, I mean."
"All the men have short legs," mama said. "That's why they look so unnatural. You never noticed this before?"
"I'm worried that he's a dwarf," I told Husbandrinka, "although he is in the 95th percentile for height."
"That's a very rare condition," Husbandrinka told me. "Tall dwarves."
I honestly don't know how I survived with these people around. I think it was my inner strength and wisdom that saw me through.
Public Service Announcement: Postpartum Depression is no laughing matter. If you or someone you love is suffering from this condition, you should read Down Came The Rain. Because it helps to know that someone more beautiful than you'll ever be went through this shit, too. And also, see a doctor. The more you know.
Labels: Everyone is insane, Fun with mama and papa
posted by Marinka at
12:01 AM
44 Comments:
You mean your nutso behavior went away? I keep waiting for the PPD to lift. My son is 13....
How do any Jews survive their families is the big question
OMG! So? Is he a tall dwarf or not????
About the time you get over the nutso behavior..they turn into teenagers and it makes you believe in retroactive birth control! Crazy...you aren't crazy until you have a teenager disrespect and challenge you on a routine basis. Uggggghhh! About babies..my first was born breech, so she had a perfectly formed head and she was beautiful. When my son was born, very quickly in the ER..his head was soooo pointy and his nose was HUGE and he had water in his testicles and all I could do was cry! He was soooooo ugly at birth and I tearfully asked the doctor if he'd ever change! LOL! Fortunately, he turned into a beautiful swan! Thank God! So, I regained some sanity until he was a teenager. Arrrgggh! Remember...this too shall pass! Blessings, Lisa
That cracked me up, the dialogue that is.
At least John and Husbandrinka have healthy appetites...
I've never known a tall dwarf, though I did used to hang out with a pair of tiny giants.
I do not agree with Husbandrinka. I was nuts when I was pregnant. ALL FIVE TIMES.
I almost ran someone over, almost got into a fistfight with a crossing guard (he backed down - wuss), and burst into tears in the middle of Foot Locker because I couldn't find any shoes in Polish Foot Locker to fit my elephantine feet.
Sounds normal to me. I worried all the time....still do.
AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I hope you told Dr. Papa what to do with his hormone and cake theory.
Thank God for your inner strength. Where would your family be without it?
Elle--yes, the nutso behavior went away for me. I am now a model of sanity. Or Napoleon reincarnated.
Bizarrely, this sounds pleasant to me. If I'd had people this unwittingly witty around me when my son was born, perhaps I wouldn't have quietly lost my mind under cover of innumerable snowstorms.
You really must do a reality TV show. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in your house!
I'm all confused.. First you write a hilarious post and then you tell me not to laugh!
Glad to hear you pulled through due to your strength and wisdom - did modesty play a part too? ;-)
Thank God for husbands!
When I read your posts, I'm not sure whether to feel reassured about becoming a mother one day or whether to run run RUN AWAY AS FAST AS I CAN!!! =)
Gawd, not only are you freaking funny, your whole family is!
Danette
weird. i feel like we are long lost sisters. i had pretty much identical worries... my mother told me i was nuts for feeling sad and my doctor looked at me crazy when i told her that my son might be a dwarf.
Your parents kill me! They are hilarious.
You must have reserves of inner strength and wisdom to have survived this.
Tall dwarves indeed.
haahhah!!! A tall dwarf.. that's rich!
Hope you survived your family... !
I read some reviews about Down Came the Rain and people were all "This was a really depressing book." You think? It's about post partum DEPRESSION. Goobers.
You have a wonderful husband to project strength and stability when he knows you need it the most. You should prepare his favorite meal tonight.
Postpartum depression is fairly common. There's also postpartum psychosis, which a friend of mine had. She thought her baby was the Messiah (and her name's not Mary).
True, post partum depression is no laughing matter...
BUT!
This post was fecking hilarious! Omigosh! Your parents have the best comebacks known to man! I 'heart' them.
When I was pregnant with Jack, I remember very weepily telling my husband, "I hate to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure he's going to be a 'little person'". He then forbade me from ever watching TLC again.
But to be a parent is to be crazy. Why do you think your mom and dad are that way?
Funny as always. K
Your paediatrician is gay?
That is so cool.
I want a gay paediatrician.
Gay hairdressers are so passe!
Ohhh, I thought you were *still* going through it...how silly of me.
Great post. Love your blog, and all that.
yes, very funny & touching blog, postpartum depression, very important, blah, blah, blah... so your pediatrician - is he cute? single?
Jeez, you might as well have hung out with Tom Cruise...
Being crazy isn't as much fun when no one lets your crazy flag fly.
I never had postpartum... but I think I have it now. Or is Toddler/Terrible Twos/Why Can't They Fing Nap At The Same Time Depression something else?
Seriously, how do we survive with an infant and all these complete lunatics surrounding us? It's hard when the only sane person loses their mind, isn't it?
On my God, I NEVER make it through your posts without LAUGHING OUT LOUD.
tall dwarves. as if.
Is it at all possible for Mama, Papa, Husbandrinka and you to perhaps have your own sitcom?
Thank you in advance.
I had the PPD, and it sucked balls. Down Came the Rain was a great book for coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't completely abnormal for wanting to put my husband's head through the wall.
Marinka, you kill me. Seriously. Am dead now.
My MIL said the most brilliant thing to me after my son was born. She says: you had boy parts in you. You are a chick and you had boy parts inside of you for nearly a year. That'd fuck anyone up.
Classic!
I wasn't what you would call depressed but I did get about 4 hours sleep in total in the 18 months after my eldest was born.
My husband tried to broach the subject of PPD and I just looked at him. Actually, I didn't have the energy to look at him. Just like I didn't have the energy to be depressed. Or worry about my baby's small stature. I was like an amoeba. I can only be thankful I had no family around ;-)
PPD is so common and so many people experience it that it's surprising that it can still be brushed off as a little thing. Down Came The Rain was a good book but you just know that she was cleaning things up a little bit
Right now I feel like I had too many cakes at the cake festival.
I definitely had a lot of worries about my twins when they were born. Since my oldest came out looking like a two year old, I wasn't prepared for really tiny babies. I had never seen wrinkles on a newborn before and thought they looked like they might have progeria. At the very least, I was completely freaked out by how skinny they were. I felt like I was playing with Barbies.
I'm much better now that they're two - but I often wonder if George's arms look a bit short. Chris thought this was hilarious and started calling him T-Rex. I have considered talking to my doctor about increasing my Prozac prescription.
hee hee . . . good thing husbandrinka kept things in perspective.
Nothing like a little nuttiness after having a baby. Been there!
I struggled with that crap too. No, not tall dwarfism, PPD. :)
Sorry to hear you thought your son would be a tall dwarf. The STUPID doctor that helped birth my younger brother told my mom he'd be a dwarf...his dad was 6'4" and my mom is 5'9". Needless to say, my baby brother is 6'2". Tall dwarf indeed!
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