Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My Endodontist Does Not Understand Me

My endodontist does not understand me. I go to get a root canal taken care of and he gives me an injection that would numb a respectably sized elephant and when he leaves the room to see another patient while I enjoy the anesthesia, I immediately feel my throat close up and I am pretty sure that I am dying. I consider getting the receptionist's attention, because she is right outside of the office where I am savoring my last few breaths, but at the same time, she is on the phone and I don't want to interrupt her. So I texted Husbandrinka.

"I think I can't breathe," I pound out on my piece of shit phone. And then I wait for the rescue team to arrive. Ten minutes later, I realize that I texted his GSM phone, which he uses in Europe so that I can rest assured that as soon as he lands in Frankfurt on Wednesday, he will know that I am breathless.
"I think I can't breathe," I re-text his U.S. phone. And then I sit staring at my phone to see how long it would be before he texts me back and remind myself that a watched pot never boils (is the same thing true of microwaves? Because maybe we can update that expression. To be more modern and shit.)
Husbandrinka texts back: "I'm sorry to hear that." He certainly is good at keeping calm.

Finally, my breathing evens out and I lay back in the chair, thinking deep thoughts. I am a very profound person and try not to let a lot of time pass in between engaging in some cerebral gymnastics. Especially if I'm in some forsaken WiFi-less trap. Seriously, how do these people work? What if there's some kind of a breaking dental news in the middle of the afternoon--how will they find out about it?

Anyway, I'm having deep thoughts, along the lines of what if I die during the root canal, how will my family go on? Of course, Husbandrinka will remarry immediately, someone younger and fresher, and as I plan their wedding, I am completely enraged and think about what kind of person would remarry so quickly. I don't understand how I could have shared a life with him, a life that is now over. Because I am dead. It will be tough for my kids, of course, but kids are resilient. And I'm sure their new stepmother will shower them with Wii games and Sims discs that will soften whatever sadness they feel. That fucking whore. I can't believe that she's going to buy my children's affection this way. And she'll probably take over this blog, too. My pride and joy. Watch the readership to "Whorehood in NYC" double as Whorinka starts posting. And then I think about the endodontist. How would he feel if I died mid-root canal? I wonder if he'd ever worked on a corpse before. Because that kind of thing can really fuck you up. Unless your job is doing autopsies or something, and then you really shouldn't be working on people's teeth.

So then it's my turn, and my mouth is totally numb and the drilling starts and I wince (because I would prefer a less harsh sound), and he asks, "do you feel pain?" and I shake my head, but what I am unable to say, because my mouth is now a dental instrument showcase, is that although I do not feel pain, I am actually feeling pre-pain, which is something that very sensitive (and possibly insane) people feel in anticipation of the pain. I tried to relay this sentiment with my eyes, but it may backfire because he asks me if I need to use the ladies' room. Which I do.

Everything ends painlessly and uneventfully, so that's good. And yet, I feel like he and I really didn't get to know each other. Like he missed the opportunity to get to know the real me. And I never had the opportunity to tell him about the pre-pain concept, which I suspect will be the next big break-through in dentistry. I mean, who doesn't want a dentist that guarantees that the treatment will be pre-pain free?



Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Hey I thought you should know that if Whorinka took over the blog I wouldn't come back.

Hope you're feeling as right as rain now.

I once knew a respectively-sized elephant that had root canal surgery and he freaked out and texted me from his iphone and the reception was terrible, he was really stressed.

March 10, 2009 at 4:02 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

Which goes to show that too much thinking (at the dentist) is not good for you and probably being introduced to your teeth was probably enough for your dentist. Glad you survived though.

March 10, 2009 at 4:14 AM  
Blogger PinkLizzy said...

Oh Marinka! Thank God you're ok.
What did Husbandrinka think when you got home having texted him that you couldn't breath?

March 10, 2009 at 4:45 AM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

I also would refrain from reading Whorehood in NYC. Unless of course she commented on my blog, sent me readers and lots of presents (which she totally would because she's that type of person). Because I can totally be bought.

Of course, that might make me a Whorinka.

March 10, 2009 at 5:09 AM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

Wondering whether your throat is about to close up is not funny. But your blog is hysterical.
Rest assured, Whorinka would never make the grade.

March 10, 2009 at 5:16 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

You say that like Whorinka could write like you. There is no way I believe there are two people as funny as you.

March 10, 2009 at 6:07 AM  
Blogger A Woman Of No Importance said...

We would so ignore Whorinka, like a Bloggy Plague, and we would come and place Vodka and Chocolates on your resting place each year... and you could still ghost-blog, a bit like guest-blog, only with more poltergeist activities - Think of the plates you could throw at Whorinka!

March 10, 2009 at 6:47 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I felt your pain...

March 10, 2009 at 7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate the attempt to chit chat while they have their entire hand in your mouth.

March 10, 2009 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

Sorry to hear about your root canal!! YAY ... I can post a comment today, couldn't yesterday for some reason. Damned Interweb trolls.

Anyway .. huge belly laughs again for the wording of this brilliant blog. I just LOVE your sense of humor.

March 10, 2009 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

Does Husbandrinka have a blog? I'm wondering if there might be more to this story..

March 10, 2009 at 7:51 AM  
Blogger Swistle said...

So, wait, WHEN is Whorinka posting?

March 10, 2009 at 8:10 AM  
Blogger Ronda's Rants said...

Finally someone else understands pre-pain...I have that all the time especially at the dentist!
Glad you can breathe and that you are okay!

March 10, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Blogger LuckyMe said...

I had a tough time reading this through the tears and the computer bouncing up and down on my lap.

I hate the dental tete-a-tete with a mouthful of fist. And yet I cannot resist an attempt to answer their inane questions thereby encouraging endless dialogue/monologue. Why are hygienists so damn chatty anyway?

March 10, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I totally won't read whorinka's posts, but I do expect you to blog from the afterlife. Deal?

March 10, 2009 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger The Mind of a Mom said...

Oh I would have somehow with all the drool and cotton got my point across that "Whodrinka" was just waiting to take over my life and if I didn't make it I was coming back to haunt someone and he might be included on that list! LoL

March 10, 2009 at 9:06 AM  
Blogger Z said...

If it's possible, I think you might be even more crazy than I am! But... I don't know that it's possible. We may have to settle for a tie.

March 10, 2009 at 9:16 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Ahahaha!! I do the same shit! I plan out future events and get myself pissed at stuff that hasn't even happened. I was on laughing gas and kept imagining they were giving me too much and I'd overdose on it and die. Then, I kept having deja vu. I was 10 different kinds of crazy on laughing gas.

March 10, 2009 at 9:23 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I would probably read Whorinka. I mean come on, what an awesome blog name: Whorehood in NYC.

(But I'd leave snarky and unhelpful comments.)

March 10, 2009 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

I am enraged for you. Who does that Whore think she is? And who gets the VT Mini?

March 10, 2009 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

I am appalled at Whorinka's ballsiness. The idea that she would try to ply your children with Wii games in order to buy their affections speaks volumes about her character. And what's with Husbandrinka? What is she doing for him that you aren't already doing? He's not blameless here either!

March 10, 2009 at 10:35 AM  
Blogger WA said...

Next time you're dying, text me. I have a friend who'd love to meet your husband.

March 10, 2009 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger K.Line said...

Are we secretly married to the same man??

BTW, had a wisdom tooth fragment out recently (they say the fuckers can't grow back but that's a lie, obviously). Had anaesthetic and felt throat closing. Turns out, it's because the stuff is adrenaline-based. If you are prone to anxiety attacks, you're just itching to have one under the influence of ____caine.

Oh, also, depending on where the needle goes, the freezing can extend into the upper throat, giving the sensation of closing throat.

I so wish we'd had this convo before your appt!

March 10, 2009 at 10:54 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i'm a little sad that, while in your death-chair, not even a passing thought was given to poor little nicki (your kitten, since you've apparently forgetten). let's hope whorinka does better.

March 10, 2009 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger IB said...

I admit I'd visit the whore's blog. Does it help that I'd be ashamed of myself after?

March 10, 2009 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I will reserve judgment on Whorinka based on how she treats Catrinka, aka Nikki, whom she would certainly rename -- and now that I realize that she's given her the name Catrinka, I think I've answered my own question: I will totally ignore Whorinka. Unless she's really really funny.

But I will also hold seances for you.

March 10, 2009 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

Very good point on the pre-pain issue. I'd call his office and set up a separate appt. pronto to discuss with him.

As for the whorinka blog, yeah, I'd probably be checking it out too. Sorry.

March 10, 2009 at 11:36 AM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

Seriously, you ARE profound.

Come back to my blog to check out my pictures I just posted of a white woman rappin'.

I'm profound too.


March 10, 2009 at 11:49 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

All of you who confessed that you'd read Whorinka are totally dead to me. Not because you'd read her blog but because you've learned absolutely nothing from me about LYING at every possible opportunity. Unless you were lying to me and the truth is that you'd never read her blog, in which case, you've just been totally resurrected for me! Welcome back!

March 10, 2009 at 11:51 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I experience pre-pain every time I have my brows threaded. It's tough stuff.

I would never read Whorinka.

March 10, 2009 at 11:53 AM  
Anonymous Sukanya said...

i solemnly promise never ever to read Whorinka .... will you be my BFF now?

March 10, 2009 at 12:00 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Hmmm, I think the endodontist can hear your thoughts through your teeth - that's how he knew you had to use the ladies room.

What book was that, where your thoughts were projected through your teeth? 1984? No. DAMN, I feel a google search coming on.

March 10, 2009 at 12:19 PM  
Blogger RenĂ©e aka Mekhismom said...

I would NEVER read Whorinka. Never. And I am a bit concerned about Husbandrinka's response to your inability to breathe. Unless you are a hypochondriac and then it is a perfectly reasonable response.

Oh and when you do die? I mean if it is in the near future - will you please leave the VT mini to me?

March 10, 2009 at 1:12 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Your husband would so never marry Whorinka and if he did, we hunt her down and beat her ass. Just in case you were wondering. ;o)

March 10, 2009 at 1:46 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I would NEVER read that bitch's blog.


March 10, 2009 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger rubbish said...

I think I'm in love with Whorinka. Would she buy me Wii games as well. Really want that snowboarding one. How young and how fresh is she? Note to self, must start planning wifes death.

March 10, 2009 at 2:46 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

I am not going to lie, despite your request. I would totally read Whorinka's blog... but only if she's witty, clever and charming. And really, how many whores have all those good traits? Wait... I actually know quite a few. Never mind.

March 10, 2009 at 3:32 PM  
Blogger Coffee with Cathy said...

Marinka -- Are you watching Survivor this season? Because one of the contestants -- Coach -- claims that he tells his team members what to do with his eyes. (I mean, not what they can do with his eyes but using his eyes to tell them what to do. Sheesh.) So I'm thinking maybe you could ask him for advice. Just in case.

March 10, 2009 at 3:43 PM  
Blogger ella said...

I do this all the time: mentally rehearse a totally ludicrous situation in my mind until I am absolutely FUMING and slamming doors, etc. And WHY? who knows, although it is a really rewarding pastime for me since I catch myself doing it almost daily.
Those stupid bitches!

March 10, 2009 at 9:00 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

First of all, sorry you're dead. When Whorinka starts posting, rest assured I'll unsubscribe (well, unless she's really funny).

And second: about pre-pain - I totally get that. My pre-pain usually starts as soon as I sit in that crazy chair and eye the medieval instuments in there. The hygenist just rolls her eyes as I clutch the armrests in agony DURING THE CLEANING, but I swear the pre-pain is agonizing. And the drills... don't even get me started. I felt a little pre-pain just reading your post.

March 10, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I'm getting a cavity filled tomorrow. This post has me feeling a bit anxious. I'm all about pre-pain.

March 10, 2009 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger Joanie said...

Whorinka would be a major FAIL! You are simply irreplaceable.

And you're damned funny too!

Glad you made it throught he root canal ok!

March 11, 2009 at 12:19 AM  
Blogger VaBookworm said...

I doubt Whorinka could compare! However I will say, Sims is flippin' awesome! I'm looking forward to The Sims 3 in June :oD Thanks for the laugh!

There's a blog award for you on my blog!

March 11, 2009 at 12:42 AM  
Blogger bonnie-ann black said...

i totally get the "pre-pain" but only with the dentist. it is my desire to find a NYC dentist who will take my measly dental plan AND render me unconscious for the entire procedure... including the cleaning. i *hate* the cleaning -- i feel sick just thinking about it.

March 11, 2009 at 3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never thought I could look forward to my next dentist visit. No, wait, I read this wrong. I would never read Whorinka's blog. I'll be thinking of this post when I have my appointment tomorrow, for a cavity fill and potential root canal schedule. Lovely. As usual, you are hilarious.

March 11, 2009 at 4:48 PM  

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