Thursday, February 26, 2009

Things You Should Probably Discuss

This is the problem, as I see it. When people are dating, they are so focused on the "getting to know each other" crap and the "falling in love" nonsense that they completely lose sight of what is important. And that is if the two of them decide to have children, theyhave to make sure that they see eye-to-eye on some issues. And I don't mean like should Bitsy take ballet or piano, because that shit you can decide on as it comes up. I'm talking about the stuff that doesn't need to be said.

For example, "children should not be put in a labor camp."
"Beating kids is bad."
"Saying 'if you don't do what I say, I will die and then you will feel guilty forever' is an effective but not favored form of discipline."

If you don't have someone who agrees with you on these issues, right off the bat, you're doomed. Because having to explain to someone the WHY of it is sort of like defending your very way of life and no one likes to come under attack like that.

Recently, my 10 year old daughter came back from a fabulous birthday party with a goody bag that had more makeup in it than the Avon flagship store.

"How cool!" I thought. Because the mom who hosted the birthday party routinely sends make up for me in a goodybag, because let's face it, I'm everyone's favorite face charity case (once I was at a glitzy salon with a superfancy friend and her eyebrow stylist insisted on doing my eyebrows, free of charge, because, I'm guessing, he couldn't stand looking at them for one second longer.)

So, I assumed that the make up was for me. But no, it was for my daughter.
"You can't have this make up," I said, pulling the bag towards me.
"Oh yes, I can!" she tugged it back towards her. What's with kids and their superhuman strength these days?
So, I launch into this whole lecture about how little girls do not wear make up and Husbandrinka pipes in and asks, "why not?"

Seriously? Why not? So I tell him, offstage whisper-style, that I'll explain it to him later, because I think that saying "because our daughter isn't a fucking whore" is sort of unchildfriendly, but he says, "Why can't you tell me now?"
So I smile that totally fake smile and say, "Oh, because it's so pretty, I want to use it myself!" while humming Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" (unrelated sidenote: It's always bothered me that the least attractive man on the planet sang a song about a beautiful woman. Like maybe he should be less obsessed with physical appearance, if you get my drift. Being blind and all). Of course I'm humming "Pretty Woman" because that implies "whore" Julia-Roberts-style, but Husbandrika hasn't seen that movie and just thinks that I've apparently had a nervous breakdown that manifests itself in humming random songs while stealing from children.

What I'm saying is that this awkwardness could have been totally avoided if on our first date instead of doing the Getting To Know You Meme, I would have asked, "so, makeup on prepubescent girls--where do you stand?" Sure it's awkward, but so worth it.

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Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I love this blog, I really do, it's wonderful. Husbandrika/Husbandrinka, he should know better, I hope you later explained to him hat the offstage whisper tone means...

I've always made it a policy not to hum "Pretty Woman", but sure, you can hum it I won't object.

On a more serious note, we tried to cover some such questions pre marriage, but I'm sure more will crop up, oh the joys!

February 26, 2009 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Why not?

I would have been kicking my Hubster under the table till I drew blood!

Ha! You're a quick thinker with the humming of "Pretty Woman." I wouldn't have thought of that! I would have thought to change into pointier shoes and commenced my kicking.

February 26, 2009 at 3:57 PM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

Trouble is, by the time you feel comfortable asking the "raising up kids" questions, or I should say, by the time you feel it's safe and he won't look at you like you're a husband hunter, it's too late. Love has taken hold. And then you're stuck.

As for the childrearing disagreements, when this happens, my standard is, "Um, wait a second. Daddy and I will have to talk about this first." And I make them leave the room, or wait until we have time to discuss. Which could take hours or days. Sometimes it buys me so much time that whatever the kid is asking for gets forgotten.

February 26, 2009 at 3:59 PM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

Seriously Marinka.

If you are even 10% this funny in real life then Im going to have to pack some ultra thin Depends to BlogHer.

I think this is one of my top ten Marinka's posts. WHA? You didn't know I had an ongoing list in my head? I do.

February 26, 2009 at 4:15 PM  
Blogger Joanie said...

Amazing all the little things you should discuss and don't before you get married and have kids.

February 26, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

You should have made her up, teased her hair and put her in a miniskirt and a belly shirt and then asked him "OK - why not NOW? Whatcha think we should charge?"

February 26, 2009 at 4:19 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

I couldn't agree with you more! I hate it when I see little girls painted up like dime store hookers. Honest to God, don't their parents look at them?

February 26, 2009 at 4:23 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

All of a sudden the fact that I'm having a boy just got another checkmark in the positive column...

February 26, 2009 at 4:27 PM  
Blogger ModernMom said...

Oh I'm with you! Not only should the 10 years not be into the makeup, but the hubby should not be disagreeing with you in front of the ten year old!
Love your blog

February 26, 2009 at 4:28 PM  
Blogger Rach (Mommy Learns to Blog) said...

Here by way of OhMommy - she told me I must read and I did. And I cracked up - you are hilarious!

Sidebar: what is it with people giving out makeup to kids without asking a mom's permission? My cousin bought my 3 year old this huge Little Mermaid KIDDIE makeup that I had to act all polite and excited about! And then HIDE as soon as we got home and plead ignorance when the little one asked for it!

February 26, 2009 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger Domestic Extraordinaire said...

Okay this is one time when I am kind of thankful that my hubby works long crazy hours and the girls are normally in bed before he gets home. He pretty much agrees with me on everything with the girls though. His motto "They will leave someday-and then I will have to live with you & pay for all the mistakes I made-so i don't want to tick you off!"

Here by way of OHmommy & I will be back.

February 26, 2009 at 4:36 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

The fuck is back. Thank God.

February 26, 2009 at 4:37 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Roy Orbison was blind?????

Who knew?

Welcome the fuck back, Marinka!

February 26, 2009 at 4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

was the 'fuck' on vacation?

Where were we?

Ah, yes.

How about the drowning the ugly children? That is always something that should be discussed, right after you find out their stance on mittens made out of kittens.

February 26, 2009 at 4:44 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

AFter all this time Husbandrinka still doesn't get it? Sheesh, apparently you are smacking him around enough. (THAT IS A JOKE) heh.

I remember sneaking makeup at school when I was 12 and then one day, my knee gave out at school and my mom had to pick me up to go to the hospital (6 wks on crutches thanks to a fall off the high beam) and ooooh boy was she pissed. I think the verbal blistering from her was much worse than the jacked up knee.

Seriously, I don't even want to think about makeup for the kid and sending makeup home for kids from a party? Wow.

February 26, 2009 at 5:10 PM  
Blogger Julia@SometimesLucid said...

My husband will pull the same crap. He thinks that they'll be able to start wearing make-up at 12?!?!?!??!?! To quote Whitney, "HELL TO THE NO!!" I had to wait until I was 16 and so will they!

February 26, 2009 at 5:10 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Obviously you are completely right about this.

February 26, 2009 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Wow, now that I see that in print, I think I may just have won the prize for doing the best possible job EVER adhering to Marinka's comment policy.

February 26, 2009 at 5:17 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

in all fairness, i think you should remind your readers that husbandrinka is from new jersey.

February 26, 2009 at 5:21 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...


Excuse me, I have to call my husband re:future hypothetical daughter and make-up.

We already discussed the Bratz and agree (NO!), so I think he's probably on my same page with the make-up.

February 26, 2009 at 5:22 PM  
Blogger rubbish said...

As an husband with a ten year old daughter can I just point out that mine can wear as much make up as she wants because she's not sitting in some bar drinking tequila, smoking dope and getting ogled by every guy in there. When she's sixteen and disappearing for hours on end is a different matter.

February 26, 2009 at 5:23 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

I so totally agree with you. 10 is WAY too young to be wearing makeup. The ONLY time it would be acceptable is for halloween to create a character. Geez. Does he want men learing at his baby girl?


February 26, 2009 at 5:23 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Oh PS I think Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas had an excellent idea. Let him see for himself. That should do it. That will teach him not to disagree with you again.


February 26, 2009 at 5:26 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Oh PS I think Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas had an excellent idea. Let him see for himself. That should do it. That will teach him not to disagree with you again.


February 26, 2009 at 5:26 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Oh PS I think Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas had an excellent idea. Let him see for himself. That should do it. That will teach him not to disagree with you again.


February 26, 2009 at 5:26 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Oh PS I think Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas had an excellent idea. Let him see for himself. That should do it. That will teach him not to disagree with you again.


February 26, 2009 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I totally agree. Little girls in make-up....I just can't find the words kind of enough to describe my feelings towards that.

Btw, you should so write for a tv show. The title of the show could be "Motherhood in NYC". Whatya' think??

February 26, 2009 at 5:40 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

hey, everyone, pop quiz! How do you think Coco feels about Amy@ Milk Breath and Margaritas' comment?


February 26, 2009 at 5:42 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

yah. and my daughter Lola cannot have t-shirts that say FLIRT on them.

February 26, 2009 at 5:43 PM  
Anonymous Coco said...

I guess I doubly liked it. Damn comment hung up so like the tard I am I clicked it twice. LMAO. Thanks Marinka...needed the laugh.


February 26, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

You make a damn good point there, Marinka. Unfortunately the hot sex at the beginning of the relationship kind of takes precedence ; )

February 26, 2009 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh thank God you're back and you managed to get the laptop away from the Stepford wife that took over your blog yesterday. I was going to write a comment on your post but I was laughing to much about your comment on Coco!

February 26, 2009 at 5:53 PM  
Blogger J'Ollie Primitives said...

Ahhh, she's back.

February 26, 2009 at 6:14 PM  
Blogger SassyTwoSocks said...

I'm totally with you. No one wants there child running around looking like Madonna in her Like A Virgin video.

February 26, 2009 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger Tracey said...

I also don't agree with earrings on babies, but since that's a "cultural" difference in most cases, I try to keep it to myself.


February 26, 2009 at 6:21 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Coco thinks Amy @ Milkbreath and Margaritas has a great idea.

February 26, 2009 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

I think you're overlooking the version of "Pretty Woman" performed by the righteous and woolly man-candy buffet that is Van Halen.

And I'm with you on the kiddie makeup. Many's the time I've sent Morticia back upstairs because her eyeliner and false lashes were a tad too heavy for 4th grade. Next year, I tell her. Not till 5th.

Kids. They grow up so fast.



February 26, 2009 at 8:23 PM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

You're hilarious. And funny too, even if your eyebrows are overgrown. So are mine.

Anyway, I agree with the whole prepube makeup issue. My hubby and I never had this talk either, and boy, are we paying for it now.

February 26, 2009 at 8:47 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You are funny, but I do not have kids so I would just let her play dress up. I mean not go out of the house. But again I don't have kids but since I am an aunt I like to be the cool aunt!

The bigger problem is your husband not agreeing with you. I would not put up with that!

February 26, 2009 at 9:22 PM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

I liked your last post better.

February 26, 2009 at 9:35 PM  
Blogger The Panic Room said...

Do i even have to say that I was joking? Yeah if we have a girl. She pretty much won't be allowed to wear makeup until she lives in another State. I'm not even sure if I will allow tweezers.

February 26, 2009 at 9:37 PM  
Blogger p.huong said...

Make up at 10?!? I was surprised to see my 13 year old sister with make up. Once, she went to put on make up just to go to Costco with my mom. I didn't realize Costco is a hot spot for kids.

Tracy-- In my family, we get our ears pierced when we're a baby. I don't know the cultural meaning behind it, or even if there is some cultural explanation. I actually think it's really convenient getting ears pierced as a baby because ... well I never had to go through some embarrassing episode at Claire's where I begged my mom to get them pierced and walked out crying from the pain (like that one episode from Jon & Kate Plus 8). I don't remember getting MY ears pierced, but I remember one day my mom and grandma walked into the bedroom while my baby sister was sleeping and later that day, I realized that my sister's ears were pierced.

February 26, 2009 at 9:46 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

My nearly 8 yr old daughter would love nothing better than to wear strapless tops. The kind of look that says bound for juvenile hall. If that still exists.

February 26, 2009 at 9:50 PM  
Anonymous kia (good enough mama) said...

Sounds like you just use the same parenting theory as I use: it's called Accidental Parenting. Sort of like parenting by feel. Or by accident. Planning ahead on these issues is boring. Pretend that you meant to do it this way. It makes you cool. Like me. or something.

February 26, 2009 at 9:52 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

there should be a book of things to ask before you get married. a book? probly a library..

February 26, 2009 at 9:58 PM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

What father is EVER pro-makeup on his daughter? Seriously? Don't ever let him take her clothes shopping.

February 26, 2009 at 10:04 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I'm shocked that "dad" would be okay with makeup. It's the gateway to first base. He was a boy once - he knows what makeup means...

But seriously - my mom allowed me to cake it on during middle school knowing that she would probably incite worse rebellion if she fought me on it. By high school I stopped wearing it altogether and have never really gone back. I mean I wear makeup now of course - because I'm *old*. But I just grew out of the awkward more-is-more phase on my own. Anyway - it's an idea for 12-14 age range - but it's risky.

My plan is to tell Eleanor that she will absolutely be allowed to wear makeup but only if she wears it responsibly. I'll invest in "good" makeup for her and have the galmorous (i.e. cooler than her lame mother) makeup counter girl show her how to apply it (of course having set up in advance that they'd be showing the "natural" look). Then she'd get to wear her whore paint and I would know that at least it was tasteful.

February 26, 2009 at 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Alex said...

Here from AnyMommy, will probably come back for more ...

Your approach seems good. One that I used was to marry a man who already had 2 teenaged kids from an earlier marriage. This works, too, but is arguably more complicated ...

February 26, 2009 at 10:38 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

10 seems awfully young to wear makeup outside the house. How about if you just let her experiment inside the house? And by house, I mean, Manhattan size apartment.

February 26, 2009 at 11:31 PM  
Blogger Braja said...

I think L'Oreal was right....

February 27, 2009 at 2:03 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Anyone called Bitsy should be allowed to wear make-up.
I'd watch Husbandrinka carefully if I were you.
He seems strange.

February 27, 2009 at 3:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the aside on Pretty Woman - the whole blind thing is a great point.

I'm with you on this one - definitley no make up on young girls.

February 27, 2009 at 7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Note to self: Do not drink coffee while reading Marinka's blog.

February 27, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger WackyGrandma said...

Note to other self: coffee does not clean up easily from computer screen.

February 27, 2009 at 9:09 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I cannot tell you how much I love this post. You have once again taken a subject that has been close to a cause for making me wonder why the fuck I ever signed on for a thing called marriage and made me laugh about it.

February 27, 2009 at 10:26 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Hubby and I have had this discussion...Girl Child is 11 and wants to wear the make up. We've both said no...unfortunately being that I WAS once an11 yr old girl, I know that if I'm not careful with what I tell her no to she'll do it anyway. I Have a plan...maybe, don't know what it is yet - but I've got one!

February 27, 2009 at 12:08 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

you def live in nyc getting make up in a goody bag.

Just as ridic are the ten year olds carrying around louis vuitton and prada purses while getting mani/pedis.

I know tribeca is supposed to be all low-key and all, but I see this in my neighborhood everyday.

It makes me want to move back to the midwest ASAP!

February 27, 2009 at 2:40 PM  
Blogger miss bridget said...

Love this blog, it's absolutely brilliant. I agree totally that it would be better to establish your views early on in the relationship. However when it comes to men, they are a bit strange and will often come out with comments or opinions one day and then have a completely different opinion the next. And lets face it, a goody bag of makeup would only be wasted on a child...they wouldn't know how to apply it properly..hey kid, step away from the goody bag and no-one gets hurt. It's about principles.

February 28, 2009 at 5:18 AM  
Blogger Temple said...

Dear God! Now I have to add that to the list of "questions!" Ok, so..."are you married/recently divorced?" Check! "Did your ex wiccan girlfriend place a hex on you?" Check! "Are you addicted to secret internet hookups with skanky internet ho's?" Check! "How do you feel about Max Factor at the age of 10?"


March 1, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger Z said...

I'm taking notes over here, waht else should I ask? (Granted, I'm already married, but we haven't had the kids yet. So I got some wiggle room. Or something. :)

March 7, 2009 at 8:16 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Oh, I totally agree. It really benefited our marriage when I asked my husband on our first date whether he wanted to circumcise if we had a boy. :)


March 27, 2009 at 12:39 PM  

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