Things You Should Probably Discuss

This is the problem, as I see it. When people are dating, they are so focused on the "getting to know each other" crap and the "falling in love" nonsense that they completely lose sight of what is important. And that is if the two of them decide to have children, theyhave to make sure that they see eye-to-eye on some issues. And I don't mean like should Bitsy take ballet or piano, because that shit you can decide on as it comes up. I'm talking about the stuff that doesn't need to be said.

For example, "children should not be put in a labor camp."

"Beating kids is bad."

"Saying 'if you don't do what I say, I will die and then you will feel guilty forever' is an effective but not favored form of discipline."

If you don't have someone who agrees with you on these issues, right off the bat, you're doomed. Because having to explain to someone the WHY of it is sort of like defending your very way of life and no one likes to come under attack like that.

Recently, my 10 year old daughter came back from a fabulous birthday party with a goody bag that had more makeup in it than the Avon flagship store.

"How cool!" I thought. Because the mom who hosted the birthday party routinely sends make up for me in a goodybag, because let's face it, I'm everyone's favorite face charity case (once I was at a glitzy salon with a superfancy friend and her eyebrow stylist insisted on doing my eyebrows, free of charge, because, I'm guessing, he couldn't stand looking at them for one second longer.)

So, I assumed that the make up was for me. But no, it was for my daughter.
"You can't have this make up," I said, pulling the bag towards me.
"Oh yes, I can!" she tugged it back towards her. What's with kids and their superhuman strength these days?
So, I launch into this whole lecture about how little girls do not wear make up and Husbandrinka pipes in and asks, "why not?"

Seriously? Why not? So I tell him, offstage whisper-style, that I'll explain it to him later, because I think that saying "because our daughter isn't a fucking whore" is sort of unchildfriendly, but he says, "Why can't you tell me now?"
So I smile that totally fake smile and say, "Oh, because it's so pretty, I want to use it myself!" while humming Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" (unrelated sidenote: It's always bothered me that the least attractive man on the planet sang a song about a beautiful woman. Like maybe he should be less obsessed with physical appearance, if you get my drift. Being blind and all). Of course I'm humming "Pretty Woman" because that implies "whore" Julia-Roberts-style, but Husbandrika hasn't seen that movie and just thinks that I've apparently had a nervous breakdown that manifests itself in humming random songs while stealing from children.

What I'm saying is that this awkwardness could have been totally avoided if on our first date instead of doing the Getting To Know You Meme, I would have asked, "so, makeup on prepubescent girls--where do you stand?" Sure it's awkward, but so worth it.