Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Pork: A Cautionary Tale

So I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm considering becoming a born again televangelist, but Jewish. Because God spoke to me very clearly recently and reminded me that the laws of kashrut (you know, only eat cud chewing animals with split hooves) exist for a reason and the reason is that my life will be a fucking hell if I don't obey.

And it makes sense. Read your Bible, people. I mean, it says "Thou shalt not kill" (What's with that typo in "shall", btw? You'd think they'd correct it before the Second Coming) and if you happen to kill someone, the police are going to show up and now you're in a heap of trouble. If you'd just followed the Bible, this wouldn't have happened.

Same with pork. It's right there, page whatever, but I had to take matters into my own hands. I made a pork loin.

Last week, as I was returning from a glamorous fashion event at Vivienne Tam's, papa called me. He had babysat my kids that night and he had alarming news. "I saw the leftover pork roast in your fridge," he said. "I wanted to take pork home, but I forgot. I'll come on Saturday to get pork. Your kids need more discipline. Good night."

I was still on a champagne-sponsored high, so I thought nothing of it. Pork, shmork.

The next morning, I woke up in a state of alarm. My father is going to drive to my apartment for leftover pork? Isn't that like a warning sign of insanity? Because mama and I work a few blocks from each other, I called her.

"Listen," I told her. "Papa wants the pork."
"What does he want with the pork?"
"I do not know what he wants with the pork, but with the pork he wants. I will bring it to your office."
It was now Mama's turn to become alarmed: "Do not bring the pork to my office. Just put it in the freezer, it'll keep."
At that very moment, papa called me on the other line.

(Ok, I know that it seems very suspicious that papa called just as I was talking to mama, but that's because you understand absolutely nothing. First of all, my family calls each other nonstop all the time, so the chances of getting a call at the same time from each of my parents is high. Second of all, if I'm going to lie about anything on this blog, it's not going to be about something lameass like my parents calling me at the same time because (sub-a) it does not advance the story at all and (sub-b) it's so boring, who the hell cares? And third of all, you have some nerve accusing me of lying. If I had any energy at all, I'd be totally offended.)

So papa calls and says, "I'm not going to pick up the pork roast on Saturday, put it in the freezer and I'll get it next Wednesday."

By now I've had more conversations about the pork roast in the last 12 hours than anyone else, except some kind of a pork fetishist, and I don't want to have any more for a while. So of course I totally forget to put the pork in the freezer, because, hell0, that's something that I can next week, a day before he is supposed to come over.

So, Thursday passes and so does Friday, and I'm enjoying a pork-free life and on Saturday morning, I get up with plans to get bagels for breakfast and freeze the pork. The bagel acquisition goes well, as Husbandrinka is dispatched to pick them up and I go to commence the pork freezerization and see that it is missing. I am in full-fledged panic. Because either Husbandrinka ate the pork or the woman who cleans the refrigerator cleaned the refrigerator and threw out the pork.

I breathe into an emotional paper bag and quiz Husbandrinka, "Did you eat the pork?" And he says, "What pork?" Because in the last few days he's been spared any and all pork discussions, but that is about to change dramatically.
"The leftover pork in the fridge," I tell him, helpfully distinguishing it from the pork tartare in the conservatory.
"Why would I eat that pork? It's like two weeks old and rancid."
"Look," I go into speed talking mode. "Papa wanted that pork and I was supposed to freeze it for him but Lydia threw it out, so our official story is that you ate it, ok?"
I know that he thinks that we are all out of our minds, just like the time he found a pot of mashed potatoes under his pillow because my mother put it there one day to keep it warm. The mashed potatoes, not the pillow. How was she supposed to know that he'd want to take a nap that afternoon?

"Why does your father want the rancid pork?"
"I don't know. I don't think it's rancid."
"Why do I have to say that I ate it?"
"Because otherwise he'll know that I didn't put it in the freezer and it got thrown out and I don't want to ring the alarm or anything, but he seems a little obsessed with it. Just play along, ok?"
"Fine. Whatever."
"So, how was it?" I test him.
"How was what?"
"No, say 'a little tough but pretty good'. That'll sound natural."
"This isn't normal behavior," he says.
"Ok, then just say 'fine'."
"Why did you eat my pork? I am speaking as papa now, you understand."
"Your father will not ask me that."
"We must go over all scenarios."

You see what I'm working with here? I don't understand how I could have married someone who is such a lousy liar/is unwilling to reherse in order to make the lies sound more natural. What kind of person doesn't want that kind of personal growth?

So I did what any normal person would do. I made another pork roast. And tonight, I will be freezing the leftovers.

Thank goodness that sanity has prevailed.



Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

First? No frikkin way...

February 24, 2009 at 4:10 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Wow, I was for real. And I even read the post first.

I am glad you just made new pork anyway. He probably would have gotten sick from the other one and then he would have been in the hospital and it would have been all your fault and then you would REALLY go crazy.

Not that you're a little crazy now or anything...

February 24, 2009 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Whoa. I thought I was on a blog-rant today.

This is effing amazing on so many levels I can't even begin.


February 24, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Whoa. I thought I was on a blog-rant today.

This is effing amazing on so many levels I can't even begin.


February 24, 2009 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

I thought that your mom would take the whole "pork" thing the wrong way. Boy, was I wrong.

I never thought you were lying. Not for a minute.

February 24, 2009 at 4:29 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Have you ever read Tender at the Bone by Rachel Reichl? Her mama would have totally made the papa eat the rancid pork, he would have liked it, and declared it delicious.

What a good daughter to make more left over pork roast for your papa! Be sure to put it in the same container, lest he become suspicious.

February 24, 2009 at 4:34 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I'm so glad I have you to remind me that I DID in fact marry someone who is willing to rehearse lies with me.

Now I need to know how it is you have someone who cleans out your fridge. I have someone who cleans around it, but doesn't open it and throw away the moldy stuff. I need that.

February 24, 2009 at 4:38 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Christ, am I gonna have to give him a seminar? Cause you KNOW I will......

February 24, 2009 at 4:47 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I must have issues 'cos when I saw the word "pork" I thought of something naughty. ;)

You are a sweetums for making him a fresh one. And kick Husbandrinka for me! He must rehearse lying at all times!

February 24, 2009 at 4:51 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Good thing all we eat over here is pasta and cheese. No pressure to share or to freeze!

February 24, 2009 at 4:52 PM  
Blogger derfina said...

The flesh of the pig will do it every time. *shakes head*

February 24, 2009 at 4:53 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

1) I don't understand how so many people commented already, what are they doing, just hanging around?! *cough* *cough*

2) Thought it was about time you posted, bit late today? Actually, given the swinedrama going on it isn't too surprising!

3) Pork, shmork. You win the funniest post of the week award. In fact, I'm making it up and giving it to you now.

4) The idea of your family ringing each other constantly about pork cracks me up, it really does, wow. I would ring other family members up to chat about bacon, but I doubt they would appreciate it.

5) I'm supposed to be filling in a tax credit form while the wife is out, not frittering my time away on blogs, so, that'll be my last point.

February 24, 2009 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

Yup. been there, done that. Too many times...

February 24, 2009 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

I love me some pork. ;)

February 24, 2009 at 5:26 PM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

Okay, now I am concerned that it is too soon in our bloggy friendship for me to mock your tweets. So I take it back. And I NEVER use phrases like "I love me some." Ever.

February 24, 2009 at 5:27 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

That was great..I love your blog.

February 24, 2009 at 5:30 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

The 2009 Pork Crisis. This was riveting.

February 24, 2009 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

but with the pork we wants... Marinka. This is the hardest I have laughed. Ever. In the history of reading your blog. I realize of course, that its all down hill from here, but let's enjoy this moment of BRILLIANCE. This whole post was trayf-fantastique.

February 24, 2009 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

I swear we are related.

February 24, 2009 at 6:59 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Did you ever find out what happened to the rancid pork? Now I'll never be able to sleep.

February 24, 2009 at 7:01 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

Seriously laughing my ass off over here. I was raised thinking pork was for sinners!

February 24, 2009 at 7:04 PM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

But, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE PORK ROAST??? Are we sure Lydia pitched the pork???

February 24, 2009 at 7:23 PM  
Blogger Lacey said...

Who is this Lydia character, and can you send her to my house please? That would be very helpful... ;)

February 24, 2009 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger Joanie said...

Very very funny! I'd have made a new pork too. Can't have papa mad at you!

February 24, 2009 at 7:31 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

I really wish you lived in Toronto.

February 24, 2009 at 7:37 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Mashed potatoes under the pillow? Is it an electric pillow?

February 24, 2009 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger Elisa said...

Of course you did! Thank goodness we can come up with a plan B at any time - of course you wouldn't need to do that if your husband could just stick to "I ate the pork, I'm sorry". Seriously. Do we have to do everything?

Of course having a lousy liar as a husband may not be entirely bad ;-)

Let us know how the second pork roast turns out!

February 24, 2009 at 7:46 PM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

Holy crap, the other white meat is really causing you some stress!

February 24, 2009 at 7:57 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

It's a schande that you and Nikki don't have your own reality shows!

February 24, 2009 at 8:20 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

In our house, "pork" means something else entirely.

I meant "and BEANS!" Pork and beans! Instead of pork roast!

Geez, clean it up, will ya?

:^) Anna

February 24, 2009 at 8:48 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

Yea!! Papa gets fresh pork! How nice for him.

February 24, 2009 at 9:55 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

It's clear what happened to the pork. No need to drag poor Husbandrinka into this.
It was Nicky who ate the pork.

Nicky is a very clever cat and one of her many talents is opening the deep freeze.

Man, I can't believe you didn't think of that one yourself.

February 24, 2009 at 10:06 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

That's exactly why the Talmud forbids pork. Duh.

xoxo, SG

February 24, 2009 at 10:46 PM  
Blogger cw2smom said...

LMAO!! I may have a bit of left over pork roast in the fridge I can throw in the freezer if you need it someday in near future! Obviously your dad is damn serious about his pork! Lisa

February 24, 2009 at 11:53 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm sorry mashed potatoes under the pillow! Please don't tell me your husband has dandruff - eeeewwwww! Can you imagine?

I love the fact that you go over all the scenarios with Husbandrinka.

February 25, 2009 at 1:43 AM  
Blogger Frau said...

OMG I love your family! Too funny!

February 25, 2009 at 2:35 AM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

Husbandrinka is mega lame! I can lie with the best of them girl, I'm talking George Costanza shit baby.

Art Vandelay!!

February 25, 2009 at 2:41 AM  
Blogger Jodi said...

But why did papa want the pork? Was he going to make a burnt offering to save your soul?

February 25, 2009 at 8:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope the pork turned out well in the end.

Stuff like this is why I live a thousand miles form my family.

February 25, 2009 at 8:45 AM  
Anonymous denise said...

That was hysterical. It made my day. I was waiting to see how long it would take to just make another pork roast.

February 25, 2009 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Nap Warden said...

Who'd a thunk pork could make such a big deal? I had to go back and read it again...I thought I missed something;)

February 25, 2009 at 10:46 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

Hysterical. I always practice all the scenarios with my husband too.

What did your father say? He should comment on your blog. Or not. My father comments in his native language and always leaves three paragraphs worth of suggestions, corrections, and his insights. Heh.

February 25, 2009 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Have I missed something here? Are you not Jewish? You know - Jewish and pork - not a match made in heaven. Yes I said that on purpose!

February 25, 2009 at 11:51 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

This is the funniest blog post I've read in, like, a month.

February 25, 2009 at 2:30 PM  
Anonymous margeys said...

your mother put mashed potatoes under a pillow? that is great, i love her. can she come live with me?

February 25, 2009 at 9:02 PM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

Um. This is totally weird...my family is the same way. We have to lie to my dad about eating/using/whatever with stuff other than throwing it away. I could totally be related to you. Of course, my father's mother was Polish/German so maybe that's close enough to Russian to make this all make sense.

Don't tell the Poles I said that.

February 26, 2009 at 4:23 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

OMG.. my stomache muscles (I didn't even know I had any anymore?) hurt from laughing!

I was actually yelling, out loud, to the computer, "MAKE ANOTHER PORK ROAST!!!!!!"

I am so glad you heard me :o)

February 26, 2009 at 12:56 PM  
Blogger Tiffany @ Lattes And Life said...

Oh my word this was some funnnnnnny stuff, my bloggy friend. Did you ever find out what he wanted with the pork in the first place??

February 26, 2009 at 9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my ... i just snorted really loud.. that was so funny!!!

February 27, 2009 at 6:12 PM  

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