Monday, March 2, 2009

Mortification Urination Monday

After my daughter was born, Husbandrinka and I decided to have another baby. Except I couldn't get pregnant, so I did what any normal person would do--panicked and bought an ovulation kit.

So the way that this particular ovulation kit worked is that I had to pee on a stick every morning and it was going to tell me when I was pre-ovulating. It seemed really simple, so I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. Except after 30 days of peeing on that fucking stick, it was still showing me that I wasn't ovulating. And I could tell, by the carcasses that I left in my wake, that I was in an intense period of PMS. I was enraged.

So, I did what any normal person would do and called the 800 number on the ovulation box for assistance. Seriously, if you think that the recession is bad and unemployment sucks, but at least you're not on the phone with hormonal women trying to get pregnant. And when I say "hormonal women", I mean "me".

I tell the woman who answers the phone the problem: I've been peeing on the stick for a month and it's not showing that I'm ovulating and she says, "let's take it from the top." And, really, what can you say to that? "I was born at a young age. Then I moved here from the Soviet Union. Then I met Husbandrinka. Then we had our daughter. Then I couldn't get pregnant. Then I bought your motherfucking kit and I've been peeing on the stick and it's not showing me that I'm ovulating. I can tell you more about the immigration process if that would be helpful." So she says, "maybe you will ovulate tomorrow." I am so on to her. Because if that was my job, I would totally say that, hoping that the nonovulater would call back the next day, when I'd be off from work. But no. I knew that I wouldn't be ovulating tomorrow because I was in the midst of full blown PMS and like an idiot, I told her that. Seriously, in the history of speech no conversation has ever improved from telling someone that you are PMSing.
So she got down to the nitty gritty with me.
"How long do you pee on the stick?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know. Several Mississippis, easily," I explained that it varied day to day, if she caught my drift.
And then she let me have it.
"You're only supposed to pee on it for three seconds," she told me. "You're flooding the pee stick."
Flooding the pee stick. This meant that I couldn't even pee properly, which left the number of things that I could do well in the single digits.

"You're not going to believe this," I called Husbandrinka to tell him. "I've been peeing incorrectly."
"I am not at all surprised," he said.
It's a good thing that we can laugh about it now.



Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Those ovulation kits are infuriating. You'd think something that expensive would actually work properly.

March 2, 2009 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

oh god. i think you just cured my insomnia with uncontrollable laughter. flood the pee stick? really, i think i want that woman's job.

March 2, 2009 at 3:41 AM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

I think I just woke up one kid, with my laughing. Immigration. The Mississippis. Flooding the pee stick. Ha!

To Kelcey's comment...If men had to pee on sticks for ovulation or pregnancy tests, they would be, like, 3 for a dollar.* It's a total racket.

(Of course, there would also be a duct tape component.)

March 2, 2009 at 3:47 AM  
Blogger Lilacspecs said...

So...what...your pee chemicals that should show when you ovulate were...washing away the prior pee chemicals that show when your ovulating? Did you mail that woman some anthrax? Cause "flooding the peestick"? Totally qualifies for anthrax. Or at least SARS.

March 2, 2009 at 4:01 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

It probably says that on the package but who the hell reads directions? Not peeing properly. You are hilarious!

March 2, 2009 at 6:05 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Oh wonderful, super, thank you for that. And can you tell me now what color panties you're wearing and when your last bowel movement is?? Jesus wept...

March 2, 2009 at 6:22 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

btw I love you.

March 2, 2009 at 6:22 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

But of course you know that.

March 2, 2009 at 6:23 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Oh, don't feel too bad :) I knew a girl once who peed on her hand every single time she had to give a urine sample at her OB-GYNs. Her name sounded a lot like mine, but it totally wasn't me, because I can obviously pee like a champ. I've been doing it even before I was born, you know.

March 2, 2009 at 6:52 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Crumbs. And there's a lot of water just in one Mississipi...

March 2, 2009 at 7:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better I've flooded a few EPTs in my day.

These things should be a lot simpler than they are.

March 2, 2009 at 7:53 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

When I write your biography, can I title it "Flooding The Pee Stick"?

March 2, 2009 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Leave it to you to screw up a pee test. That was the best Monday morning read in a long time :)

March 2, 2009 at 8:13 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

What a great way to start off my Monday morning.

March 2, 2009 at 8:20 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Well, since I'm not as witty as you, I have to comfort myself with the fact that *I* can at least pee properly. Small victories...;)

March 2, 2009 at 8:27 AM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

That was just too hilarious!!
Hi! first-timer at your blog!! Will be back!

March 2, 2009 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

What a pisser.

March 2, 2009 at 8:30 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

peeing incorrectly! HA! That is so something I would do...

March 2, 2009 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Joanie said...

So, did it work? The pee stick, once you figured out how to pee properly? Flooding the pee stick. lol

March 2, 2009 at 9:10 AM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

Why do they make these damn things so difficult to use?!?!

March 2, 2009 at 9:39 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I am learning so much on your blog.

Flooding the pee stick. Had no idea that was even possible.

March 2, 2009 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Ladies! There is a trick people like me have to use 'cos I can't aim for shit.

Pee into a disposable plastic cup. Then, dip your preg or ovulation test stick into your urine for the necessary seconds. Voila! Works like a charm. No flooding of the pee-stick involved. Plus, if you didn't pee much, nothing goes to waste when it's all caught in a cup.

CAUTION! Do not leave tinkle cup on counter for some unsuspecting person to use it when they brush their teeth. Discard it immediately! ;)

March 2, 2009 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

I hate to laugh at others' misfortunes, (well, not really), but that was freakin' hysterical!

March 2, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

I hate to laugh at others' misfortunes, (well, not really), but that was freakin' hysterical!

March 2, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Well OBVIOUSLY you were getting it all wrong. 3 seconds on the stick and the rest on your hand. Didn't she tell you?

March 2, 2009 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Obviously the phone person was an underachiever and doesn't understand that super awesome people like me and you always go above and beyond.

March 2, 2009 at 10:31 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I'm glad you can laugh at this now and thank you for sharing because I REALLY needed a good laugh this morning!

March 2, 2009 at 10:32 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

ok, i'm a man. and i'm gay. and i haven't taken a biology class in about 25 years. so pardon my ignorance. but. isn't pre-menstral the same as pre-ovulating? and given your past blogs, i'm just wondering why you would need a kit to tell you that you were pre-menstral. i mean, isn't that why god created pms?

March 2, 2009 at 10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I worked for those call centers, I used to tell women that they opened the box from the wrong end, they were definitely infertile and then I would tell them how I get pregnant by sharing a tissue with my hubs. Or that I have 13 kids by 16 fathers. That one always got a disconnect.

March 2, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Over flooding the pee stick? I thought I was the only one! When I did my EPT I had to do it more than twice...of course, I always use the 'I'm Blonde and can get away with it'. Cause for some reason no one expects a blonde to be smart. I know, I know...I shouldn't be giving into the sterotypes, but re-read my comment on the lazy blog.

March 2, 2009 at 11:03 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

I went through infertility treatment for 3 pregnancies so I have had massive experience with peeing on things. NEVER WORKED! Had to have my reproductive endocronologist gently suggest the pee in the cup thing. That was a lovely conversation to have with a 104 year old hevily accented polish man......

March 2, 2009 at 11:04 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Oh Lord! I've been peeing incorrectly for years.

@ Braja - What color undies are you wearing?

@Peajaye - try my friend, you have a lot to learn.

March 2, 2009 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger miss bridget said...

Who knew that you could flood a pee stick?? I think she has a script and was frantically searching for the page which tells her what to say in the case of non-ovulation. The "take it from the top" comment was a decoy to buy her some time. The cheek of it!!

March 2, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

@bognot - you mean, this ISN'T

March 2, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Peajaye--I think you're confusing ovulation with menstruation. But don't feel bad, I often confuse "single process" with "highlights".

CSY--I can't believe that you think that I would re-read a comment. Being lazy means never having to re-read anything.

March 2, 2009 at 11:29 AM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

If there is ONE thing I can do right, it's pee properly... except when I have a cold. Cough, pee. Sneeze,pee. That would not be proper... great now Marinka knows I wear Depends.

March 2, 2009 at 11:41 AM  
Anonymous Twenty Four At Heart said...

I can't pee properly either. When the doc tells me to pee in the little cup thingies? I can't stop once I start. And then the cup overflows, or I pee on my hand trying to move the cup before it overflows. Or whatever. I'm a pee failure.

March 2, 2009 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Of course I'm stuck giggling at "I was born a young age." I can't get past how funny that is to comment on anything else.

March 2, 2009 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Would you like me to come help you with this? It appears I am quite talented in this department.

March 2, 2009 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger Kylie w Warszawie said...

One of my most embarassing moments also involved ovulation kits. Except that I was 9 months pregnant and at a "White Elephant" gift exchange and wound up with someone's ovulation sticks as my gift.

And then I never went to one of those crappy "events" again.

March 2, 2009 at 12:35 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Between the ovulation test kits and the pregnancy tests I used while trying to conceive child #2, I actually felt weird peeing WITHOUT the stick when I finally got pregnant, 15 months later.

I continue to use a pregnancy test once a month, just to be sure my husband's vasectomy is in good working order. I find it strangely gratifying.

March 2, 2009 at 1:04 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I once left the stick on the counter for too long and if you do that eventually it will show you that you are prego even if you're not. I had to call the place to and the poor woman on the line had to break it to me that I didn't do the test right either.

March 2, 2009 at 2:07 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I used one of those... It's definitely a rip off since you start to realize that the sticks tell you everything you need to know. The contraption that "reads" them is totally unecessary. You can read the pink line with your eyes. Faded = getting there, strong = ovulating, nothing = flooding the pee stick - or whatever.

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about that kind of thing again... But it explains why I was so surprised when I had the twins.. After trying so hard the first time around, that second pregnancy was a bit of a shock - it just happened, and I didn't have to pee on anything.

March 2, 2009 at 3:22 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I am a prolific pee-er myself, so I probably flooded a few of those sticks before my daughter was born.

March 2, 2009 at 3:41 PM  
Blogger Tooj said...

My question is this: How in the world were you able to aim so correctly for so many days in a row? Because peeing down straight does NOT always work...not to be TMI or anything. But seriously.

March 2, 2009 at 3:54 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Wait, slow down. Let me get this straight. If I don't learn to pee properly, I could accidentally get pregnant again? Please to explain.

March 2, 2009 at 3:56 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

Well why the fuck doesn't it say on the box "don't flood the stick?"

March 2, 2009 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

LOL!!! You know those Spanx with the pee cut out? Yea, those didn't work with me. At all. Not pretty!!!

March 2, 2009 at 6:42 PM  
Anonymous Sukanya said...

I empathize, I sympathize, I have recently found out I have been peeing incorrectly all my life too.

March 2, 2009 at 7:31 PM  
Blogger Issas Crazy World said...

Holy shit. You're flooding the pee stick? Nice. I wonder if that was the technical term or if she made it up? Too freaking funny.

March 2, 2009 at 9:16 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Way back in my day (you know, the dark ages) we didn't have pee kits. We had to take our temp before getting out of bed and we didn't even have to pee on the thermometer!

March 2, 2009 at 9:25 PM  
Blogger Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Wow. Just. Wow. I believe that she told you the correct way to pee on the stick very nicely and threw in an extra kit just to responsive to your initial complaint. Am I right? Yes? Yes.

March 2, 2009 at 9:59 PM  
Blogger Deb said...


Despite your inability to pee in a responsible fashion, I still like you.

March 2, 2009 at 10:06 PM  
Blogger J'Ollie Primitives said...

More is better, right?

More chocolate chips.
Just a little extra soap in the laundry.
A tad more pee on the stick.

March 3, 2009 at 9:07 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

If it makes you feel better I can't pee properly either.

Oh and try peeing in a public toilet with your baby in a baby bjorn - lets just say I felt sorry for the cleaner.

March 3, 2009 at 10:33 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Husbandrinka was "not at all surprised"?

What does that mean??



March 3, 2009 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger LuckyMe said...

I had to reread that phone exchange a few times so as not to miss anything. You are a piss!

Thanks for the laughs!!

March 5, 2009 at 10:10 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I believe "long-suffering" would apply to your husband?

March 6, 2009 at 10:26 PM  
Blogger Z said...

I wish I could think of a witty comment to add to this, but I haven't had enough coffee. All I can say is, I'm glad that you've now learned how to pee correctly :)

March 7, 2009 at 8:10 AM  

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