Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Update Post

Ok, so there are a few things that I need to update you all about although I'm worried that calling this post "update post" makes it sound boring and many people will skip it, so maybe I should have called it "How to Make Your Penis HUGE!" except I suspect that most of my readers are either female or hung to their knees, or maybe both, so what's the point of that? (By the way, one thing I know for sure is that if I were a man, regardless of my shlong size, if I kept getting all those "increase your penis size" spams, I'd be totally paranoid and flaccid.)

So maybe "Update Post" is a pretty good title after all.


First of all, Nicki is insane. What's unfair about this, besides the obvious fact that I am living with a fucking lunatic cat and I brought her into my own home myself is that for the first two weeks that we had her, she had a completely different personality. Which makes me think that either she was addicted to Xanax at the shelter and has somehow managed to wean off of it, or that my family makes everyone insane and after a few weeks of living with us, you, too can lose your marbles. Come on over!

(Oh yeah, symptoms of her insanity include biting the hands that feed her ((and occasionally tries to strangle her (((btw, I'm assuming that if you have parentheses within parentheses that this is what you're supposed to do, right?))) )), racing around the apartment at dangerous speeds and meowing when she knows perfectly well that I am not yet ready to awaken. oh, and P.S., Husbandrinka asked me if cats can be trained 'through a system of incentives'. I'm having a contest next week and the winner gets to break it to him.)

Second of all, through no fault of my own, Roy Orbison is not blind. Last week I wrote that Roy Orbison was blind and after several people commented "OMG! I had no idea that he was blind! This blog is so educational!"(comment exaggerated for effect and for convenience) I googled "Roy Orbison blind" and was sad to learn that he was actually sighted and just really liked sun glasses. And seeing eye dogs. So the lesson that we all learned from this is that I am not an expert on who is blind and who isn't.

Third of all, my son has a third tooth loose. As you may recall, he likes naming loose teeth after Star Wars characters. So we already had Chewbacca, and R2DTooth (although it kills me to admit it, this was Supermommy's idea. Oh, what? That didn't link back to her? Sorry.) So now there's a third loose tooth and we couldn't come up with another Star Wars name for it, until the very last moment and then we came up with Loose Skywalker. I'm very worried because he has approximately 300 more teeth that will at some point become loose and then what the hell am I going to do? And if you think that think that this sounds insane, I'd like to remind you that my son has lived with us his whole life.

Fourth of all, yesterday was a huge snow day in NY and so papa chose that day to drive from upstate New York back home. And while he was on his way, he called me to say, and I swear that this is true, "I want you to read Shalom Alechem." Ok, so first of all, I've already read some Shalom Alechem. And like, why? Why does papa call me at 8 am with this request? So of course I respond with "And I absolutely insist that you read some Danielle Steele!" I've never read Danielle Steele, but the thought of papa reading it is really fun. And then I spent the rest of the morning worrying that papa was going to die in a car accident and I'd have to spend the rest of my natural life reading Shalom Alechem.

Fifth of all, one of the things that I love about Twitter is when someone links to a post that they loved. Because due to my discriminating taste, I follow approximately 10 million blogs and can't always get to every one of them. But the one Tweet that I don't get is "OMG, check out this blog! You'll cry your eyes out and attempt suicide after reading!!!!" Seriously, does this make anyone want to read it?

Sixth of all, over the weekend I asked my son about his friend Macbeth and he said "he's not my friend, he's my arch enemy." I haven't heard that expression in ages and now I can't stop saying it. It makes for really awkward conversation, especially with arch enemies.

Seventh of all, if you just read the phrases that are in bold, you missed a lot of important information and are now my arch enemy. Also you're probably confused why I have two paragraphs with arch enemy in them.

Labels: ,

64 Comments:

Blogger ella said...

All kittens are insane. She will calm down to a lethargic, couch-chewing, furry throw pillow by July. I promise. Mark my words: A year from now you will write a post about what a fat, lazy bitch she is.
Oh! The SW teeth names are so great. I love that punny-type of humor.

March 3, 2009 at 12:35 AM  
Blogger Jaywalker said...

I am still laughing feebly at Husbandrinka and the "system of incentives". Get him a spreadsheet and a star chart. It won't work but it will make him feel better.

March 3, 2009 at 12:55 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Nemesis is really fun too (much like arch enemy). Try it. Like, my nemesis at preschool or my playground nemesis. Too aggressive perhaps, but fun.

March 3, 2009 at 1:03 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Firstly. You are right. I do have a huge shlong.
Secondly - I know I keep saying it. but... I told you so..
I warned you not to get a cat.
And
Would you listen?
No!
Thirdly - and most importantly - and again - don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm coming to kidnap papa.

March 3, 2009 at 2:54 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Personally, I like cats but I do think they are all a little touched. Don't take it personally.

March 3, 2009 at 6:08 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

I have nothing of value to add to these random thoughts but I do wonder if you've gone off your meds again?

March 3, 2009 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger A Woman Of No Importance said...

Can you give the cat to your papa, for company - For you will not have any time to look after kitty if you have to read the entire oeuvre of La Steel (and find time to blog); Oh, and I do all that double parentheses too! (( )).

March 3, 2009 at 6:44 AM  
Blogger daydreamymama said...

Wait. Your son has a friend named Macbeth? First of all, why not name your kid Hamlet or Romeo? and secondly, do Macbeth's parents know about the curse on the play? I'm just wondering if young Macbeth has ever spontaneously burst into flames or anything.

March 3, 2009 at 6:49 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

I'm glad I read everything.

March 3, 2009 at 6:55 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Chewbacca. Now that's freakin' AWESOME!

March 3, 2009 at 7:03 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I see your arch enemy and raise you a nemesis.

March 3, 2009 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Damn you. I had gone and printed a thousand "Roy is blind" t-shirts and everything. That's the last time I print t-shirts with information from here...

And now my brain is disintegrating under the weight of so many confusing parentheses.

March 3, 2009 at 7:28 AM  
Blogger K said...

Would anybody like to be my arch enemy? I could use a new one. A good blog war might be fun.

(And all kittens are insane. She should calm down a bit as she gets older. At least she's cute right?)

March 3, 2009 at 7:41 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

In my pre-yogi days, my ex husband (and you'll know very soon why I divorced him) used to blow hashish smoke into my cat's mouth and watch the games begin.

OK I admit, I laughed. Sue me.

Isn't Danielle Steele blind? She fucking should be, those books, Jesus, Mary Mother of God...

March 3, 2009 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

And did I kick Vodka Mom's ass?

totally.

Who's on Xanax now, huh?

March 3, 2009 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

You know how after a period of time the dog and dog owner tend to start looking alike? Yeah, well its the same for cats except they don't LOOK like you they take on your insane tendencies (if I didn't spell this right its all words fault...I typed it in a word doc to make sure the spelling was right).
Yes, I'm a cat person...how'd you know?

March 3, 2009 at 8:21 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Ha! 'Loose Skywalker' is damn funny.

They closed the schools in my area because snow is rare and people freak the hell out over 2 inches. It's hilarious. I didn't even leave the house because I was scared of people driving on snowy roads they weren't used to..

And wait till you see what 'Nicki Catz' has in store for your family in the spring. You've been warned. We'll miss you. *evil laughter*

March 3, 2009 at 8:55 AM  
Blogger WA said...

The bad blogs Twitter announcement reminds me of "Jesus, this milk smells HORRIBLE! Here, take a whiff."

March 3, 2009 at 8:57 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I have a solution for your mad cat.

You need room for her to run around and also a way to not cross paths so often. So: get yourself an enormous house in the exburbs.

Then you can quietly go insane together ;-)

March 3, 2009 at 8:58 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Stormtoother.

You're welcome.

March 3, 2009 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger Coffee with Cathy said...

I'll bet your dad was listening to NPR when he called to tell you to read Shalom Aleichem -- it was the anniversary of his birthday and NPR was doing a great interview with his granddaughter, who, strangely enough, wrote "Up the Down Staircase." Who knew? Thanks, as always, for a great post and much bloggy laughter.

March 3, 2009 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

At least two of your son's teeth need to be named Darth Maul (I do not know if that is spelled correctly because my Star Wars wikis - also known as my sons - are at school at the moment and when they normally try to talk to me about Star Wars I hear this: 'blah, blah, blah, Han Solo, blah, blah, blah' (I only hear Han Solo because Harrison Ford was hot back then)(he still kind of is, but only in movies, because have you seen pictures of him out on vaations with Calista Flockhart? He's like a weird grandpa). Anyway, long story short, he needs to name some teeth Darth Maul because what can teeth do? Maul you. Well, hopefully not you, exactly, but I'm sure you get my point.

March 3, 2009 at 9:56 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Oh-be-gone-Kenobi???

March 3, 2009 at 10:56 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

hmmm... so i guess we're no longer following the dictate about not giving husbandrinka any ammunition with our comments. is now a good time to mention how cats sometimes eat their own poop then puke it up?

March 3, 2009 at 11:03 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Some cats are insane. The last one I had would beg me to pet her and when I did she would rip my hands and arms up. I finally had enough and banished her to the yard. Don't get me wrong. I love cats...just not psycho ones.

Coco

March 3, 2009 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger cog said...

As someone who write suicide-inducing blog posts, I think I am offended.

Or I would be, if I ever got twittered. maybe. I dunno.

March 3, 2009 at 11:35 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

'i was sad to learn he was not blind'

thanks for the morning laugh

March 3, 2009 at 11:41 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Yeah...did we forget to mention that cats are insane? I always thought it was part of their appeal myself.

March 3, 2009 at 11:49 AM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

I love the bold sentence fragments. I can read just those and it really saves me a lot of time. Thanks!

March 3, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Jodi said...

Here's something to help you with Nikki...

March 3, 2009 at 12:23 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

Hans Molar?

No, that sucks. Badumbum.

Yes, that is exactly how you use parenthesis inside parenthesis. Thank god I have you in my life.

March 3, 2009 at 12:39 PM  
Anonymous Sukanya said...

OMG!!!! I cried my eyes out and attempted suicide after reading this post !!!!!!!!!!!

March 3, 2009 at 1:08 PM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

Okay, tell Husbandrinka that women are still working the kinks out of training MEN with a system of incentives. So far with no quantifiable, across-the-board results.

Also, my son lost three teeth last week. And has one other loose one.

Loose Skywalker cracked me the eff up. My boy will love that one.

March 3, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

March 3, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Anonymous Jane said...

Nicki will be your arch enemy for now, but a year from now nothing but a fat, lazy cat that NEVER gets off your bed.

I have a scar from my 7 toed cat, Sasquatch, he swiped at my mouth when I was asleep and cut my lip!!!!

Bastard!! He must have been playing my intake of oxygen while I was asleep. And now he doesn't even get up when I get home!!

March 3, 2009 at 1:24 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Cats kind of suck. Didn't i mention that before? Oh, maybe I didn't.

I'm going to find an arch enemy today and challenge him/her to a sword fight. That sounds fun!

March 3, 2009 at 1:36 PM  
Blogger p.huong said...

I think "tweet" is a sissy word. I call them "twits."

March 3, 2009 at 2:18 PM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

@Jennifer H - Maybe you aren't using the right incentives.

March 3, 2009 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

I now feel sad that I have no arch enemies, because it does sound very cool. Am looking for one, if anyone reading is available?

March 3, 2009 at 2:34 PM  
Blogger Mary Moore said...

I'll trade you your kitty for our insane poodle. He doesn't shed. And sometimes his breath isn't foul.

And by the way, I am pretty sure Roy Orbison was blind. Or maybe he just had glaucoma? Or bloodshottedness. I don't know, but now I have to do lots of research...cuz I trust no one.

March 3, 2009 at 2:41 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

I really must get on Twitter. But I would probably never get away from my desk.

I am VT mini deprived.

March 3, 2009 at 2:45 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

I don't even know which part to comment on but I really can't stop giggling over the "arch enemy". Hee hee..ahem.

March 3, 2009 at 3:12 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I like nemesis for the playground set.

Totally thought Roy Orbison was blind. Oops.

March 3, 2009 at 4:54 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

roy orbison not blind? who's next? stevie wonder? don't do this to me.

March 3, 2009 at 6:07 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I had to tell you - I know what Shalom Alechem is because of The Wiggles.

And they say letting toddlers watch TV makes you stupid. Whatever.

March 3, 2009 at 7:13 PM  
Blogger I'm Julie said...

OK last week I berated myself for forgetting that Roy Orbison was blind. How can I forget such vital information and only remember when I read Marinka? Is that anyway to treat a man's memory.

Now I'm all confused after reading this post. Asked my husband, the Rock God, Was Roy Orbison blind?

His response: "I think so. Mostly."

You people are screwing with my brain. It's a conspiracy.

March 3, 2009 at 7:16 PM  
Blogger I'm Julie said...

OK last week I berated myself for forgetting that Roy Orbison was blind. How can I forget such vital information and only remember when I read Marinka? Is that anyway to treat a man's memory.

Now I'm all confused after reading this post. Asked my husband, the Rock God, Was Roy Orbison blind?

His response: "I think so. Mostly."

You people are screwing with my brain. It's a conspiracy.

March 3, 2009 at 7:16 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I totally thought Roy Orbison was blind.

But for the record, I know for a FACT that Stevie Wonder is blind.

Hmm, I am trying REALLY hard to come up with another Star Wars loose tooth name. I'll get back to you on that one.

March 3, 2009 at 8:21 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Darth Molar?

March 3, 2009 at 8:33 PM  
Blogger Ruthie said...

aaaawww marinka, the kittens' not insane ... he/she/it's a baby! (evil grin) My kitten is a large boy kitten, he sleeps all day and gallops the house all night. Kind of. He also gets into things in the kitchen, and I'm fairly sure he believes I don't know this. He stalks insects and geckos, wanders around on counter tops and tables, hangs from insect screens and soft furnishings, and now and then leaps on my bed or sleeps on my bed (unless my husband catches him in which case he gets tossed out the door.)

The funniest thing about kittens (apart from the way my daughter makes them slide over the floor wildly and crash into things) is the way they gallop. They gallop about, making furry little drumming paw gallops as they go, sounding just like horses. Little, furry, hunting horses. Although the 'flying cat' was funnier in that he flew. Horizontally. For greater distance than I ever saw cat leap ... until he flew into the path of a truck. (sad face)

Your cat sounds normal. This way you know she/he/it is alive. If you keep stopping her from doing stuff you want stopped, she'll only do it when you're not looking.

March 3, 2009 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Biteba Fett?

Jaw-ba the Hutt?

Mon Mouthma?

Toothy-Wan Kenobi?

Count Toothku?

Incisor Calrissian?

March 3, 2009 at 9:16 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

The Star Wars tooth thing is awesome.

I love Twitter for that same reason. So, how many times have people tweeted a link to you with that cry/suicide comment?

March 3, 2009 at 9:18 PM  
Blogger Threeboys1mommy said...

Ugh, it's about time you give me credit for that... sort of.

Here's another C-teethPO.

March 4, 2009 at 2:24 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

apparently he loves seeing eye dogs.....

holy shit I am still laughing......

love, your arch enemy.....

March 4, 2009 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

I am not even sure where to begin a comment. On the post? On the comment? Or just rush out to watch the Star Wars movies? No? Maybe I should go get a kitten so I know of this kitten-induced-craziness?

I think not. I have learned from Marinka's follies on this subject. I will stick with my canine tag-team of mass destruction and avoid the feline persuasion at all costs.

But I do like the idea of a sticker chart for Nikki!

March 4, 2009 at 11:53 AM  
Blogger BedsideTalesMan said...

I thought I was the only one with a huge schlong? DAMN!


Great post

March 4, 2009 at 1:56 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

i couldn't have come up with even one name for your kid's teeth as I have never seen one version of Star Wars b/c all those involved are my ARCH ENEMIES.!! Hee hee

March 4, 2009 at 4:46 PM  
Blogger Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

How do you not have arch enemies? I have tons, only most of them aren't aware of their status.

March 4, 2009 at 7:44 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

Your cat is perfectly normal...at least based on judgment from being owned by two of them myself. And WTF do you mean Roy Orbison isn't blind? Did you Snopes that? My whole world has just been turned upside down! Well...at least my "useless-VH1-related-trivia-knowledge" part of it...

March 4, 2009 at 7:45 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

I forgot the most obvious one: Jaw Jaw Binks.

March 4, 2009 at 8:35 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I see you did make it over to my place. Just kick Tightwad's ass and make sure he locks the door.

March 5, 2009 at 6:24 AM  
Blogger miss bridget said...

I think that all cats have the tendency to be a little insane, we rescued a kitten last yr, who looks a cute as anything. This week he has scractched my face, and just happened to catch my eyelid - now I'm sporting a black eye. Who knew that a cat could give you a black eye. Love your posts.

March 5, 2009 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Maybe he can start naming his teeth after contestants on the Bachelor.

March 5, 2009 at 4:20 PM  
Blogger Z said...

First, I'm not sure that's solely a cat thing, our puppy is a little bipolar, too... I think it may be more a pet store/adoption agency thing - i.e. they keep a steady supply of valium in their water, which only wears of post-return date for said cute little ball of fluff.

Second, um, yeah. I got no second.

March 7, 2009 at 8:08 AM  

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