My Grandfather's Girlfriend
My grandfather immigrated to New York from Russia when he was in his seventies, and immediately started making up for lost time. Having been a proud member of the Communist Party during his prime, he decided to give religion a try. "I really like it," he told me. "Except for the whole God business. Who believes those fables, anyway?" We suspected that what he really liked was the senior citizen's luncheon at the synogogue.
At the time, my grandfather was working as a Home aide (or "homo aide" as he pronounced it) to a man who was about 4 months older than he was. He wanted to work, he said, because he did not want to be a burden on anyone and would not accept any charity. Apparently not wanting to be a burden to anyone did not include his charge who my grandfather regaled with tales of his accomplishments in the Soviet Union until the poor man begged for the batteries from his hearing aid to be removed.
One day, my grandfather introduced us to his girlfriend. My problems with her were threefold: 1. She seemed to be the same age as I was. 2. She looked exactly like Raisa Gorbachev. 3. She greeted me with the news that she had psychic powers. Normally any one of these would send to me a warm bath with a hairdryer, but I think that the combination of all three stunned me into a will to live.
"I was married before," she told me. "And we had a puppy, his name was Dick."
She told the story in Russian and "Dick" isn't a Russian word, so I never figured out why they named their dog Dick, except that maybe she was indeed psychic and was thinking years ahead to my blog fodder. "So one day, Boris goes for a walk with Dick and he lets him off the leash, and Dick is white and it is snowing and Dick disappears. So, he comes home without Dick. And I say where is Dick? and he says Dick is gone. And I say, Go and find Dick. Do not come home without Dick."
I swear, this woman who did not speak three words of English used "Dick" in every fucking sentence for a few paragraphs. And because I have the mentality of a ten year old boy, I kept encouraging her, with questions like, "So, wait, who was missing?" and "I'm confused, he came home without what?"
It was a beautiful introduction to a woman who at the time, as one day we would learn, was already his wife.
Also, I have a post up on NYC Moms Blog this morning. I just don't want you to feel like I'm doing things behind your back.
At the time, my grandfather was working as a Home aide (or "homo aide" as he pronounced it) to a man who was about 4 months older than he was. He wanted to work, he said, because he did not want to be a burden on anyone and would not accept any charity. Apparently not wanting to be a burden to anyone did not include his charge who my grandfather regaled with tales of his accomplishments in the Soviet Union until the poor man begged for the batteries from his hearing aid to be removed.
One day, my grandfather introduced us to his girlfriend. My problems with her were threefold: 1. She seemed to be the same age as I was. 2. She looked exactly like Raisa Gorbachev. 3. She greeted me with the news that she had psychic powers. Normally any one of these would send to me a warm bath with a hairdryer, but I think that the combination of all three stunned me into a will to live.
"I was married before," she told me. "And we had a puppy, his name was Dick."
She told the story in Russian and "Dick" isn't a Russian word, so I never figured out why they named their dog Dick, except that maybe she was indeed psychic and was thinking years ahead to my blog fodder. "So one day, Boris goes for a walk with Dick and he lets him off the leash, and Dick is white and it is snowing and Dick disappears. So, he comes home without Dick. And I say where is Dick? and he says Dick is gone. And I say, Go and find Dick. Do not come home without Dick."
I swear, this woman who did not speak three words of English used "Dick" in every fucking sentence for a few paragraphs. And because I have the mentality of a ten year old boy, I kept encouraging her, with questions like, "So, wait, who was missing?" and "I'm confused, he came home without what?"
It was a beautiful introduction to a woman who at the time, as one day we would learn, was already his wife.
Also, I have a post up on NYC Moms Blog this morning. I just don't want you to feel like I'm doing things behind your back.
Labels: The Grandpa Chronicles
posted by Marinka at
9:21 AM
29 Comments:
That's a great story, Marinka! Your grandfather sounds like a hoot!
This explains a lot about you.
I love crazy family stories.
Wow. I remember a little of when my grandfather dated, but mostly I've tried to block the WHOLE thing.
The Dick the Dog part is hilarious.
"Do not come home without Dick",
Hilarious. I'm changing my dog's name effective immediately.It'll crack me up to hear my wife calling him by name
C'mere Dick, here Dick, good Dick...
Ha!
I tell my husband all the time not to come home without Dick. I bet it's funnier in Russian, though!
So, she in fact, knows Dick. We have clarified, no?
i know this is a wholesome, family blog, but i can't help thinking of this woman stroking the beast, cooing, "good dick. that's a gooood dick." or slapping it when it was bad, scolding, "bad dick! baaad dick!"
Surely the answer to your questions was "Dick"?
Marinka,
I'm sorry ... short attention span ... but what was that dog's name again?
classic. seriously.
i read this post and the rancid pork post to my parents and sister. we have not laughed this hard in a while. the pork roast story read outloud is seriously so awesome. i read your father's words with my father's accent.
Sounds like you are going to get a lot of blog fodder out of gramps. What a character.
Coco
I love a warm saturday in nyc, spruced up with Dick jokes.
There's no word for "dick" in Russian? How do they refer to it, then?
You're drunk, aren't you?
That is absolutely hysterical! I would have been like you and keep up the questioning to get her to say it so I could giggle!
Yes, this is first and foremost a family blog. Lest we lose sight of that.
And just to clarify, there are many words in Russian for "dick", but she was using the name Dick.
Grandpadrinka is my new favorite in your family.
It's so hard to choose though.
Dick the dog! Yipe!
My ex's dick went missing too. How weird is that? Oh, I'm sorry it was his balls. My bad
What? So he was really married to Raisa, but you'all (I'm so getting into the American Way)didn't know?
Naughty Grandparinka!
Don't tell me it was a quickie in Las Vagas!
God Marinka - you are always leaving me in suspense.
Did you ask her if she gave Dick a bone when they found him?
Wait! So he was already married to her! Was Dick full of white stuff when he disappeared?
Why not Rick. . . or Richie. . .or Ricardo????
My father's name is Dick. My first boyfriend's name is Rod and my first husband's name is Peter. True story. I think your grandpa's girlfriend and I would get along famously.
LMAO!!!! Jessica (bernthis) that is too too funny! My ex has no balls either.
And Christy? I detect a pattern here! LOL!!
So, if husband-prior-to-grandpa lost them both in the snow, he'd be shouting "Raisa, Dick!!!!"??
That's awesome.
Okay, no. That would be awesome, but now that I read more carefully, I see that that scenario would require the Gorbachevs to get a dog named Dick. My bad.
Oh yes! I love those stories! I have those kinds of conversations with people in my broken Polish and try to figure out why they give the names that are not Polish to animals or businesses or whatever and then use them incorrectly. Like the liquor store near my kids' school that's called 24h Alkohole. And it's got hours posted on the door:).
Cracks me up every time.
Peajaye, stop that!!
Good one, Deb!
"send to me a warm bath with a hairdryer" I am so stealing that!
Maybe the dog was named after a certain VP with bad aim. Badump BOOM!
Already his wife? Normally its the other way around where parents end up knowing of marriages and secret lovers after many years! Your grandpa is a hoot!
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