Kats! (Part 2)
UPDATE: Wendi was kind enough to email me this offer. What do you guys think?
Want to know where part one is? Yeah, I want to know why you didn't read it when I first posted it, so I guess we're even.
Anyway.
This week my mama and the kids go to Petco to "look" at cats. Immediately both kids fall in love with a kitten named "Sundance" who they agree to rename Jake, even though she's a girl, so now we have a potential feline transgender situation.
So they have to come back at a certain time to adopt a cat because apparently "on the spot" adoptions are too easy and when they do, they find out that if you want a kitten, you have to take two. Both kids start crying hysterically and mama calls me to see if we can take two or if we can do anything else to shut the kids up. And I say "sure, we can just drown the second one!" I mean, what's the problem? But mama doubts that the kids will Andrea Yates the extra kitten. I'm so sick of this child coddling, I can't tell you.
By the way, before they went to adopt the cat, I had the following phone conversation with Husbandrinka:
Me: They found a cat they want, they're going to go get it.
Him: TODAY? We are not in a position to take a cat today! We're not ready to care for a cat!
Me: What care? You just give it a litter box and some food. Remember, you agreed to our getting a cat. At first, when I wanted it, you said no, not even when I asked for it for my birthday and our anniversary. But then our daughter made a good pitch and you folded.
Him: Yes, I do remember that. And that was an excellent summary. However, we don't have a litter box!
Me: We will buy one!
Him: What about a cage?
Me: Cats don't need cages.
Him: WHERE WILL WE KEEP IT?
Me: The cat can go wherever she wants.
Him: Is she spayed?
Me: I think she's pregnant, but I'm sure that the kittens won't be cute, so the kids will give them up.
Him: That's not true.
Me: They're going to get the cat.
Want to know where part one is? Yeah, I want to know why you didn't read it when I first posted it, so I guess we're even.
Anyway.
This week my mama and the kids go to Petco to "look" at cats. Immediately both kids fall in love with a kitten named "Sundance" who they agree to rename Jake, even though she's a girl, so now we have a potential feline transgender situation.
So they have to come back at a certain time to adopt a cat because apparently "on the spot" adoptions are too easy and when they do, they find out that if you want a kitten, you have to take two. Both kids start crying hysterically and mama calls me to see if we can take two or if we can do anything else to shut the kids up. And I say "sure, we can just drown the second one!" I mean, what's the problem? But mama doubts that the kids will Andrea Yates the extra kitten. I'm so sick of this child coddling, I can't tell you.
By the way, before they went to adopt the cat, I had the following phone conversation with Husbandrinka:
Me: They found a cat they want, they're going to go get it.
Him: TODAY? We are not in a position to take a cat today! We're not ready to care for a cat!
Me: What care? You just give it a litter box and some food. Remember, you agreed to our getting a cat. At first, when I wanted it, you said no, not even when I asked for it for my birthday and our anniversary. But then our daughter made a good pitch and you folded.
Him: Yes, I do remember that. And that was an excellent summary. However, we don't have a litter box!
Me: We will buy one!
Him: What about a cage?
Me: Cats don't need cages.
Him: WHERE WILL WE KEEP IT?
Me: The cat can go wherever she wants.
Him: Is she spayed?
Me: I think she's pregnant, but I'm sure that the kittens won't be cute, so the kids will give them up.
Him: That's not true.
Me: They're going to get the cat.
key: things in italics never happened. I took poetic license to catch up readers on post number one. Which is more than those "readers" have ever done for me. Also, I'm thinking of starting a movement to make sure that whenever poetic license is taken, it has to be in iambic pantameter. (note to self: look up what "iambic pantameter means).
So I tell mama to hang on, I'm on my way to Petco, which for some reason I start calling Costco. I get there and my kids have tear-stained faces and mama looks like she has an Excederin Number 3 headache and points me towards the Woman In Charge and gives me an application that my daughter has filled out.
I look over the application and under "list your pets" my daughter listed our dog, and my parents' dog and under "where are they now?" she wrote "dead" and my heart melts and I don't care if I have to take out half the store, I am leaving with the fucking kitten that she wants. I am fully confident in my negotiating skillz and I totally read this woman well and know what to say.
Turns out that she knows what to say too, and tells me that in their experience, people who adopt kittens often become disappointed when the kitten grows up and turns into a cat and they get rid of the cat. So Petco decided that their new policy is that kittens should be adopted in pairs, because, get this--people are less likely to return two cats than one.
It was really difficult for me to keep a straight face during this speech because first of all, who are these mental midgets who are disappointed that the kitten grows up to be a cat? Were they expecting a kangaroo instead? And second of all, in what universe is it more difficult to return two cats than one?
But I made sympathetic nodding gestures and reassured her that I am not like those people, and that there is absolutely no way that I would ever get rid of a cat, unless, of course, and this is highly unlikely, I happened to redecorate and the cat no longer went with the new color scheme. But I repeat, this is highly unlikely, because, first, the economy is in the litter box (ha ha! this shows that I am down with the cat lingo!) and second, I am very lazy and I'd rather take a catnap than do anything. So, the cat is not in danger.
Ok, if you're not going to have a sense of humor, I don't even understand why you're working at Petco cat adoptions. It's not like I'm some sick fuck who wanted to make mittens for homeless people out of dead cats. Whatever.
But then I get a break!
She concludes by saying, "but I see that your kids were interested in Sundance and that's a very special cat." I'm thinking "special" along the lines of cuddly and friendly. But apparently, what she meant by "special" is that the cat "had distemper, which is not dangerous to humans and it's a neurological brain disorder, so it may be harder to place, because it's a little unusual, so it's up to the rescue worker who found her, I'll ask, oh, that's her on the phone now, wait right here."
So I tell mama to hang on, I'm on my way to Petco, which for some reason I start calling Costco. I get there and my kids have tear-stained faces and mama looks like she has an Excederin Number 3 headache and points me towards the Woman In Charge and gives me an application that my daughter has filled out.
I look over the application and under "list your pets" my daughter listed our dog, and my parents' dog and under "where are they now?" she wrote "dead" and my heart melts and I don't care if I have to take out half the store, I am leaving with the fucking kitten that she wants. I am fully confident in my negotiating skillz and I totally read this woman well and know what to say.
Turns out that she knows what to say too, and tells me that in their experience, people who adopt kittens often become disappointed when the kitten grows up and turns into a cat and they get rid of the cat. So Petco decided that their new policy is that kittens should be adopted in pairs, because, get this--people are less likely to return two cats than one.
It was really difficult for me to keep a straight face during this speech because first of all, who are these mental midgets who are disappointed that the kitten grows up to be a cat? Were they expecting a kangaroo instead? And second of all, in what universe is it more difficult to return two cats than one?
But I made sympathetic nodding gestures and reassured her that I am not like those people, and that there is absolutely no way that I would ever get rid of a cat, unless, of course, and this is highly unlikely, I happened to redecorate and the cat no longer went with the new color scheme. But I repeat, this is highly unlikely, because, first, the economy is in the litter box (ha ha! this shows that I am down with the cat lingo!) and second, I am very lazy and I'd rather take a catnap than do anything. So, the cat is not in danger.
Ok, if you're not going to have a sense of humor, I don't even understand why you're working at Petco cat adoptions. It's not like I'm some sick fuck who wanted to make mittens for homeless people out of dead cats. Whatever.
But then I get a break!
She concludes by saying, "but I see that your kids were interested in Sundance and that's a very special cat." I'm thinking "special" along the lines of cuddly and friendly. But apparently, what she meant by "special" is that the cat "had distemper, which is not dangerous to humans and it's a neurological brain disorder, so it may be harder to place, because it's a little unusual, so it's up to the rescue worker who found her, I'll ask, oh, that's her on the phone now, wait right here."
So she goes to talk on the phone and plead our case and I turn to my kids and say, "This cat is going to die and possibly infect us all, we have to leave right now." They look kind of sad, but also like they want to live. Their mama didn't raise no fools, you know.
"What do you mean?" my daughter asks. "It's so cute."
"It's cute, but it has brain damage," I tell her. "You'll find that a lot in life."
"But what will happen to it?" my son asks. I panic. I want to get the fuck out of there before the lady returns with the "good news" that we can adopt this freak show and my kids renew their waterworks. So I lied.
"The kitten is going to be adopted by a veterinarian who specializes in this kind of illness," I tell them. And then for no good reason, I add, "She's going to be on TV." In my defense, I am unclear as to whether the vet or the kitten will be on TV and they don't ask, so I plan on finessing that lie a little later on, after I retain counsel.
They seem reassured.
"Can we get ice cream?" they ask.
"Only if you hurry!" I sing.
And we're almost out of there, when the adoption lady comes back.
"Bad news," she says. "The rescue owner says that Sundance needs constant company and that she screams all night, so she can't let you have her."
I make a sad face. It's certainly good news for Kate Winslet that my sad face performance wasn't eligible for a Golden Globe this year, because that sucker would have been mine.
"Well," I sigh. "At least we know that the cat will be well cared for."
"By the vet!" my son says.
"On TV!" my daughter says.
UPDATE: We are still cat-free, but our journey doesn't end here. This weekend, we are getting a litter box, so that Husbandrinka can get used to it. Then we will get a bowl of water. And if that adjustment goes well, next weekend, we will go get a cat from a city shelter. I'd prefer one that can do simple domestic tasks, like a service monkey.
84 Comments:
Seriously? They have a 2 cat minimum? I didn't know you could buy cats in bulk...
That you used Andrea Yates as a verb is the reason I read this blog. I commend you.
say the word and i will hand deliver a cat to you when my husband goes to work there next week. does sunday work for you? will white fluffy with tabby colored spot work well with the decor?
he likes to chew wood. just a heads up.
that's the cat ... not my husband ... no need to be worried about the front door.
This post was too long and I had to skip most of it. I did like the inclusion of iambic pentameters and brain damage though.
Just kidding. About the skipping.
You are too funny! I love your post. Good Luck with getting the cat. Have a great weekend!
Get one of those cat forts for husbandrinka to get used to as well. And maybe some cat toys that he can step on in the middle of the night. Something with a bell so it scares the shit out of him too. This cat thing is going to be so much fun!
I was reading this update while watching a Tivo'd Oprah episode about Obama - because I'm into multitasking like that, so I've been alternating between tearing up and cracking up. But I stuck with it. I had to find out what happened with the cat/s. It made me cry. No wait, that was Oprah. You made me laugh.
Hey! What happened to the EZ to Read Format?
What is up with Husbandrinka and his fear of committing to a stupid cat!?! He's such a... what's the word I'm looking for?...
"I am fully confident in my negotiating skillz.." Nice. I read that and imagined you with baggy sweats and a bandanna ready to get your way or else you were going to bust a cap in Petco's ass.
Oh my freaking gosh. That was the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time. So damn funny.
I love you.
Your cat is in the mail. Seriously. Oh..damn it, you forgot to send me your address. I told you I had four! None of them have brain damage. Geez. What's the problem. I won't even make you take two...although two are available if you like!! LOL!
I will never adopt a kitten from Petco! A two kitten minimum? What kind of stupid ass policy is that? Try your local humane society as they're a little more...humane. And..they foster cats/kittens with people who love them and will be able to tell you all about the personalities, etc. Petco is dumb!! True story. I bought two frogs there for my daughter and I swear I had to sign my life away before I could get outta the store with them. If they only knew that cat ate on of them that got out! I think they'd have sued me or something! LOL! Lisa
I hope Sundance gets his/her shot at fame. Maybe he/she can star w/ Kate Winslet in her next movie.
Only you could make a story about a poor cat with distemper so hilarious. I've got tears streaming down my face.
OK let me just say that I rarely insist upon my husband listening to me read out loud other peoples blog posts. BUt I did it tonight and I'm not sorry, now that I know what distemper is we can narrow our kitty search to only cats without neurological brain disorders
You hit the sweet spot with part two I think I'll be OK until the withdrawal kicks in once more.
Hey ... what a freaking hilarious post.
Personally, I think I'll get a bunny, or a hamster, for now.
Have a good one!
You've inspired me with this post. You shall find out why on Monday. I know, you're dying, it's killing you...consider it a good, valid excuse to drink.
Oh please let us know where to get service cats. All ours does is shed and claw up the bedroom door. I guess he does keep us warm when he feels like it...
I didn't think I was going to be able to read the whole thing after reading "sure, we can just drown the second one!" because I was bowled over with laughter.
this is one of my favorites, it is filled with such gems as
"that was an excellent summary"
"It's cute, but it has brain damage," I tell her. "You'll find that a lot in life."
"And then for no good reason, I add, "She's going to be on TV."
and
"Only if you hurry!" I sing.
Although I am a little sad that I was deprived of the next morning blog about a cat that screams all night.
Our kitten DID grow into a Kangaroo. Or at least it shits like one. And not always in the litterbox!
Who do you think is going to clean up the katgaroo turd?
Forget those tear-stained faces....
You did the right thing!
Yeah, you don't really want a cat.
Trust me.
Of course, it could be that I am tired of cleaning up after 5 humans and have no desire to clean up after another being...and have to listen to husband get angry EVERY SINGLE NIGHT because new damned cat refuses to use her litterbox and the vet would not spay her because you "have to wait until they are adults" because sometimes Polish people are stupid.
Cute, but brain damaged. My favorite sentence in a long, long time.
Cute but brain damaged may explain a lot of situations at my school. And I'm not talking about the students.
Also, it's good to know the art of lying to kids has not died. Kudos!
I don't think I'll be able to see a cat on TV without thinking of you. Hilarious!!!!
Wow! this part is even more interesting, I loved it more than the part one, you are real genius! great going girl!
Cheers!
Amanda
If you ever wanted to make a pair of cat skin mittens, I'm sure Ed Gein can whip you up a pair....
Those lies will come back and bite you on the bum, you do know that, right? So when you figure out how to get Sundance - or should I say Jake? - onto TV let me know the channel ;)
A two cat minimum is asinine. Thank gawd for spell check, I had no idea how to spell asinine.
Dude, you lucked out. I adopted a kitteh that (unknown to me)had distemper. She was SO clingy and dependent and loving. She ended up dying after three days.
It was heart breaking.
"... I happened to redecorate and the cat no longer went with the new color scheme"
on. the. floor. laughing so hard my kids are wondering what's wrong with their mommy.
a 2-furr...sounds suspicious to me!
I really can't stop laughing Marinka, you're awesome.
I have to agree that "cute but brain damaged" is one of the best lines ever. Thanks for the giggles this morning. I really need them. :)
"It's cute, but it has brain damage," I tell her. "You'll find that a lot in life."
Truer words have never been spoken.
Delurking to say what is UP with the cat adoption people at Petco? My brother went in to get a cat, and he had to fill out a form detailing his "home life" and how much time he'd spend with the cat. He was turned down by Petco, and the cat was given to a married couple, because apparently cats do better when they can ignore two people instead of just one.
You must not have heard that PETA now wants fish to be renamed "Sea Kitties" or you'd already have a 10 gallon tank set up.
Do you think you will want to be cleaning up that litter box after Husbandrinka has used it?
Marinka,
Congratulations, I want you to star in "Blogging In The Park" You will read all your blog posts in a cod piece in Central Park in Iambic Pentameter.
You are hysterically funny.
I just loved every bit of that. Cat drowning and all.
Wow... would that cat have taken the short bus home with you?
That'd be my kids. "Can we get ice cream?" as if it compares to having a pet. LMAO!
Well done! Brilliant as always. xo
2 cat min? What's that about? You are seriously hilarious. As for calling petco costco, I do the same thing all the time- I call every pharmacy duane reade whether it's walgreens or any store.
Distemper?
I think I might know what's wrong with my male cat now. He "sings" all damn night long.
Good luck with the kitten hunting.
Snuck over here from Anna's blog...oh. my. god. I am crying laughing -- love your writing!
Hmm. I can just see the Petco flacks reading this post, and then clicking over to The Bloggess, and dropping dead on the spot.
PS - you have google ads for CAT things. Teh awesome.
When I went to get a cat I was informed of the two cat policy. I ended up taking home two wonderful cats. They are now in charge of my husband, the dog, and my son. They don't go with the furniture at all. However, they are able to shed onto things and therefore make them color coordinated with their fur. Decor is not going to be a problem.
Adopt 2 and send one to Andrea Yates.
sure, everyone's laughing & applauding now. but just WAIT 'til the PETA folk find their way here.
I just reread this and I can't stop laughing. So funny it deserves two comments This is one my favorite postrinka's.
I have read this twice now, because I seriously needed to laugh my ass off. It's rather large, my ass, so I might read it again for good measure.
I can't believe they make you get two cats, that's beyond ridiculous. This is why I buy my animals. No rules, just money. If you want a free, no hassle kitten, just ask around at your kids school. I bet there is somebody who has kittens and they want to give them all away.
you came out of this smelling like a rose. good job!
And the whole "can only buy two cats, not one cat" thing is precisely why you, in your infinite prescience, were calling the place Costco instead of Petco.
Also, my very favorite part of this whole debacle is that when you lie, you cannot stand to do it small, so the cat must be going to a vet who will be on TV! Hilarious!
Now that is what I call a cat adventure! Go to ASPCA, they have great cats there.
Pairs of cats? That just dumb. You should have told them that you weren't really going to make mittens out of them.
You're better off at the shelter. They have a sense of humor there.
Note to self: Do NOT read Marinka's posts when children are in the vicinity. "Mom, why are you laughing at your computer? Mom, are you OK? Mom! You just snorted!"
This line is priceless!
"It's cute, but it has brain damage," I tell her. "You'll find that a lot in life."
Because "cute but brain-damaged" does not describe cats at all, does it???!!!
I really did laugh.
Now, why the 3rd degree when adopting (if anyone really wants to know,) is because there are sick people out there that take kittens for lab testing or dog fighting bait. Downer, I know.
Besides the litter box, and for extra fun, get the little gray furry mice that, at a glance, could pass for the real thing. Great for scaring the crap out of people on bleary eyed trips to the bathroom. Actually, you don't even need a cat to pull this one off.
A 2 cat minimum? Was Petco acquired by the Comedy Club?
Did Petco at least offer two for the price of one? It's a good thing that the place I adopted my cat didn't have that policy, because my cat's sister was just as adorable and I really did want to take her home, too.
You know, the comments you get here are *almost* as hysterical as the posts. I think that makes us the Commentrinkas. And, being that it's my idea, I hereby claim the spot of Commentrinka 1!
ALL cats have neurological problems. Have you ever seen this? I have nightmares about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muLIPWjks_M&feature=related
What? What the heck happened to Sundance? All cats act like they have a neurological disease, what does it matter if they give that disease a flipping name? Poor Sundance. :(
LMFAO! Poor Sundance...and for that matter any other homeless critters trying to be adopted under that stupid fucking policy...really?
And the description...cute but mentally imbalanced...hmmm, I'm beginning to wonder how many of my ex's had distemper...
I predict it won't take long for Husbandrinka and kitty to be just like this.
oh mah hell.
I would have done the exact same thing you did, except I *might* possibly have bumrushed the door with kids in tow by their collars.
maybe.
Thanks for the Friday giggle.
I've been lying to my kids from the get-go. Other moms react in *HORROR*, but really? how else can you get anything done?
This was a most excellent post as all these comments attest to. I would like to say that Belle's comment had me laughing just as hard as your post.
Seriously? A cage? Haha, poor kitty.
"it's cute, but it has brain damage. You'll find that a lot in life."
truer words were never spoken.
very funny. as always.
awesomely funny. i lived with a cat who had brain damage for a while. it was not fun. leg attacks in the middle of the night and snorting by my head in the morning.
Well, I DID read part one AND left a comment, so I think I deserve a prize from you. Maybe some mittens?
I want to get rid of my two grown cats because, just like you said, they don't go with my new decor. And by that, I mean that the cat shit on my bathroom rug doesn't go with my bathroom color.
funny story!! and gee, thought it's only in the malls that they have this buy one, take one thing:)
Kittens are over rated. Older cats is where it's at. My cat was a complete pain in the backside until he got older.
our new cat just walked up to the front door and said, "i live here now. feed me."
we were all enamored -- except for my husband, oh wait, that his opinion didn't count.
we were all enamored.
I just found your blog and I am loving it! I am reading all the old posts and howling!!! thanks; I needed a fun place to hang out~
Merrie
If your service monkey-like cat has siblings, give me a holler. :)
sorry, but i'm with the drinka on this one. i don't want a cat either. or a litter box. or a dish of water.
Umm, this wasn;t ez to read at all! I call a do over.
Once someone takes a crap in that litter box, be it child or kitten, the smell will permeate your house and your husband will forever ban you from getting a cat.
Maybe you should consider finding a cat who's potty trained. Or who craps outside like a dog.
ROFLMAO! We adopted IRVING - the kitty with the cold - two days ago. Resident kitty Mittens is not amused so Irving and I have spent alot of time bonding, sneezing, and purring (we both do it well). I needed a good laugh, thanks for that~!
Solution to my Husbandrinka problem: he is out of town for the weekend. The last time he was gone we adopted a border collie who would run out the back door with the remote in her mouth, or lick his face in the middle of the night. I'm hoping Irving will do at least that much! He'll learn...take me with him or we'll end up with amenagerie!
Cheers! (she says, with tears of hysteria rolling down her face) :-D
ROFLMAO! We adopted IRVING - the kitty with the cold - two days ago. Resident kitty Mittens is not amused so Irving and I have spent alot of time bonding, sneezing, and purring (we both do it well). I needed a good laugh, thanks for that~!
Solution to my Husbandrinka problem: he is out of town for the weekend. The last time he was gone we adopted a border collie who would run out the back door with the remote in her mouth, or lick his face in the middle of the night. I'm hoping Irving will do at least that much! He'll learn...take me with him or we'll end up with amenagerie!
Cheers! (she says, with tears of hysteria rolling down her face) :-D
Two cats for the PRICE of one?? That's the ONLY way I'd do it. But then we are not "cat people." Husband is terribly allergic. I do think kittens are cute though... ; )
The two kitten policy seems fishy... no wonder you got confused with Costco.
And I'll admit, I didn't read part 1. But that's only because I followed a link here for the first time today. And now I'm in love and will be reading/stalking regularly. :)
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some backreading to do.
I think you need a rule that all comments should be in iambic pentameter:
Marinka wants a retarded cat
Or a hairy naked mole rat.
She promises to love it forever
Quite the ambitious endeavor
Husbindrinka is not ready for a change of life
But that's what you do for a trophy wife.
xoxo, SG
I only hope that you will follow up this cat acquisition with other animals.
You could be the funniest person I've ever had the pleasure to read. Thank you.
haha! this sounds a lot like how I got Mr Blue to "agree" to having a baby. Good luck with adopting the kit-drinka!
bwahaha! such an almost-ending to the story! (though i am sure there will be a chapter 3... maybe 4, 5, 6? as you traipse throughout the city looking for your wondercat)
as for the distemeper - did i ever tell you that the vet thinks our puppy may have had it before we adopted him? it's a good thing he's so cute, because he sure is a crazy little bugger!
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