Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Stand Up for Champagne

If you're like me, you really like to watch TV and get massages. But if you're like other people, you are looking for small but meaningful ways to make this world a better place. Maybe one of your New Year's resolutions was to get more involved with a cause you believe in--whether it be to make a financial contribution, volunteer your time, or just read up on an issue important to you and discuss it with your friends, hoping to start a grass roots movement.

And there are many worthy causes. We have to be better at supporting our veterans. The economy is taking a toll on services available to the homeless. The food pantries in many soup kitchens have been sparse.  There is child abuse and neglect and our civil liberties are threatened.

But when I sat down to read my weekly issue of the New Yorker, I could not avert my eyes from an advertisement that warned me of the latest outrage against our values and way of life:

It's true.

Through a legal loophole, devised by Satan himself, American wine makers can now call their sparkling wine Champagne, even though it does not come from the Champagne region in France. I know.  It took me a while to calm down after I read that, too.

I visited the website that encouraged me to sign the petition protesting this anti-Champagnism.  I admit that I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had a Champagne hotline, although their response time to my plea of "I'm out of champagne, and also rubbing alcohol!!"  has been disappointing.  They also offered Champagne Kits, asking "Does your wine club need champagne?" Does it ever!  My wine club (membership: 1) could really use some champagne!

But overall, I feel like the advertisement calling attention to their plight could be better.  The "might be legal but it isn't fair" tagline is so fucking whiny, it makes you want to hit the gin instead of the bubbly. (WAIT A MINUTE:  is it fair to use the term bubbly?)  So, in the spirit of promoting international peace, I wanted to come up with a more effective tagline.
Here are my suggestions:

1. If you've been drinking American "champagne", you've been poisoned.
2. Champagne comes only from France.  I dare you not to drink it. I dare you.  (This would involve a Robert Ulrch celebrity endorsement, with a miniature bottle of champagne placed on his shoulder)
3. Champagne from France: Because you're not a common lush. (slight danger of offending common lushes. Because we can be sensitive.)

Please add your own. And to encourage you to submit yours in comments, I will select the catchiest and drink a glass of champagne (from France!) in that person's honor. I know. The things that I do for you.


Blogger Ann Imig said...

"Champagne: Either waste half a bottle or enjoy a nasty fucking hangover"

January 13, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

Sparkling Wine is not Champagne and will give you a nasty hangover if you drink 3 bottles in 1 sitting.

January 13, 2009 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

You know what's so sad? This post sent me running for my New Yorker to see that ad. And you know what? I couldn't find it. You must be reading Cosmo and passing it off for something way more high brow. Because there's no way there could be regional differences in advertising. Right? =)

January 13, 2009 at 8:39 PM  
Blogger Adlibby said...

Massages give me the heebie jeebies and champagne is for wimps. I drink vodka from a bottle I just pull out of the freezer!

January 13, 2009 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Nilsa--really? Page 7, Jan. 19th issue. glug, glug.

January 13, 2009 at 8:41 PM  
Blogger Lucia said...

In the name of all things holy and decent, please drink only Champagne that comes from France, not Oregon. Or California.
Now, can I join your wine club?

January 13, 2009 at 8:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you suggesting that my New Jersey champagne is somehow inferior than your fancy French stuff?

Ha ha, just kidding. I have no idea if New Jersey makes any sparkling wines. I know North Carolina does, though, and it's super yummy. And no, I'm not sharing.

January 13, 2009 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Warning: Cheap-shit bubbly will make your head explode.

January 13, 2009 at 9:34 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

Champagne Champagne
A drink devine.
50 dollars worth of bubbles,
3 dollars worth of wine.

January 13, 2009 at 9:40 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

There's a slight chance that Charmaine will be disqualified from this competition because her name rhymes with champagne and she has unfair advantage.

January 13, 2009 at 9:43 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Only TRUE ladies and gentlemen drink Champagne. ...American Sparkling Wine is for pussies.

January 13, 2009 at 9:51 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Champagne- It's the new vodka.

January 13, 2009 at 9:51 PM  
Blogger Swistle said...

1. "With a name like Champagne, it's got to be French. Or else we'll fantasize about it being not only fair but also legal to sue your asses."

2. "Champagne: It's expensive, and so we want you to pay us for it. I mean, duh, wouldn't you, if you were us?"

3. "Champagne: It's what's for dinner. As long as you're in FRANCE, WHICH IS THE ONLY REAL CHAMPAGNE LOCATION, YOU GAUCHE MORONS."

4. "Champagne: If it's not from France, we'll cut off your wife's pinky finger."

January 13, 2009 at 9:56 PM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

If it's not from France it's Horse Piss cut with mineral water...

January 13, 2009 at 10:15 PM  
Blogger jmt said...

And for the briefest moment I thought we were going to get a serious Marinka post...I was worried, but you came through!

January 13, 2009 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Drink real Champagne from France. Freedom champagne from the United States if for stupid Americans.

January 13, 2009 at 10:50 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Champagne comes from France. Anything else is just cheap American crap, with bubbles.

Actually I'm not picky. It's all the same after the first few glasses. Although, I have had Veuve (sp?) a few times lately. Yum. However, I think I have a future in advertising.

January 13, 2009 at 10:50 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

Join the champagne campaign!

Buy it from France and you'll get in her pants!

January 13, 2009 at 10:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to be a killjoy here, even though I think the slogans are hilarious.

According to a recent study, wine from France (including champagne) contains unacceptable levels of heavy metals (http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/food-poisoning/news/20081029/heavy-metals-found-in-wine?). Stick to Prosecco instead!

January 13, 2009 at 11:07 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

I live in a wine-producing region. The snobbery is omnipresent. You will be judged by what bottle you bring to a pot-luck.
And only hillbillys would bring what we call a "Sparkler".

January 13, 2009 at 11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Robert Conrad, not Robert Urich, had the battery on his shoulder. Man, I am really old.

January 13, 2009 at 11:57 PM  
Blogger Aracely said...

Again with The New Yorker! I told you once before my FICO isn't high enough for a subscription.

Call me when Colt 45 malt liquor has legal woes. I'll come to their rescue.

January 14, 2009 at 12:10 AM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

"Why drink fake champagne when you can drink real malt liquor?"



January 14, 2009 at 12:28 AM  
Blogger Kari said...

If you don't know the difference between "real" champagne and champagne impersonators, you don't deserve to be drinking it.

I don't really feel like that...I just thought it sounded funny. Did you know that if you put a spoon in an open bottle of champagne, it will preserve the bubbly, so you can drink it later. At least that's what our friends who are into champagne told us. Hey...I just realized that maybe they just want us to look stupid with spoons sticking out of our champagne bottles. What the?

Nice winter look on your blog!

January 14, 2009 at 12:42 AM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

Are you saying that there are people who don't live TV and champagne? Nah!;-)

January 14, 2009 at 1:53 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

I'm not clever enough to come up with something.

Although my dad's would be "Why drink fake champagne when cheap wine from a box is so much...cheaper."

January 14, 2009 at 5:12 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

"Be a classy patriot - drink champagne"

Get it? Huh? Huh? Freedom fries? Hahahahahahaha! America is funny.

January 14, 2009 at 6:20 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Do you watch T.V. and get massages at the same time? Do you have to pay/bribe the person that massages you (while you watch T.V.) Can I borrow this person for a while (say - a year). I'm prepared to pay them copious amounts of money and feed them French champagne.

January 14, 2009 at 6:40 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

Yeah.... the husband and I were talking about this over New Years. So not write.

It's like calling all stilettos Jimmy Choos, or something. Right? I haven't had my cup of tea this morning.

January 14, 2009 at 7:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've got nothing, but I'm loving the slogans.

January 14, 2009 at 8:32 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

American Champagne - Drink more with less.

January 14, 2009 at 8:42 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

In order to give French champagne a bad name, I think we should go the route we went when we renamed french fries "Freedom Fries" so that we wouldn't have to pronounce the evil name of France in our oh-so-pure-and-craving-fried-fat mouths. SO let's call American champagne: "Freedom Bubbles." It's way better than that snooty hard-to-pronounce French word anyway.

Also the Campaign Against American Interlopers could use a tagline:

"Don't be a giant American Champain in the Ass: Drink Real French Champagne"

January 14, 2009 at 9:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Demand French champagne, don't settle for backwash bubbles.

I need French champagne "tout de suit". I am at work after all...
Oh, and I'll join your wine club if you're accepting applications. My supplies are always steadily dwindling. Go figure.

January 14, 2009 at 9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't go to Paris if you don't...
1. like Pokeman
2. know how to speak francias (french)
3. like hights
4. like asparagis
5. travel with someone else
6. like getting shit-faced on champagne like mommy does

Trust me - I have experience.

January 14, 2009 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Irish Gumbo said...

"Champagne - It's not just for breakfast anymore, because it's cheaper in America!"

Now, how about a campaign to liberate Scotch?

January 14, 2009 at 10:13 AM  
Blogger LTYM said...

Whenever I drink champagne, I wind up wearing a pink, masquerade mask and pretending I'm French, too. So what's the problem?

January 14, 2009 at 10:43 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Peajaye--you may be a genius. For anyone who missed the reference--it's to a post where I wrote about my daughter's list about Paris: http://nycmomandmore.blogspot.com/2008/11/beware-of-paris.html

Everyone who commented is a genius. I'm getting alarmed that you guys are funnier than I am. Scale back a bit, will you?

January 14, 2009 at 11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, of course they want to use the champagne name. A fine "Walla Walla" just does not have the same ring to it. Unless you're a common lush like me.

January 14, 2009 at 12:39 PM  
Blogger Steam Me Up, Kid said...

1) For every bottle of American champagne you drink, there's a Frere Jacques who never wakes up.

2) Champagne is for poor people...drink Shawmp-Pahn-Nya! (I'm thinking Pierce Brosnan?)

January 14, 2009 at 12:39 PM  
Blogger Jeanne Estridge said...

If your cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call them biscuits -- so why are you calling that cat piss Champagne?

January 14, 2009 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger FishermansDaughter said...

"French Champagne - only for winers (whiners - get it?!) with class"

"French Champagne - only for winers with taste."

"Champagne - the OTHER sparkling wine"

"Champagne - the difference between effervesce and carbonate"

"Champagne - it's what's for breakfast - pass the croissant"

"American champagne is to French champagne what Freedom Fries are to French Fries"

I could go on - but unlike me, you probably have a life...

January 14, 2009 at 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, I want that pretty Champagne with the little mask.

Where can I get that pretty Champagne with the little mask???

January 14, 2009 at 2:46 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Skip the controversy: Drink Prosecco.

January 14, 2009 at 2:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a heinous deception! That's like those jerks at Oscar Mayer and their balogna. Did you know it doesn't even come from Bologne???? True story!

January 14, 2009 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

"Don't drink American 'Champagne'. Those fat, lazy bastards probably use a screw top."

January 14, 2009 at 4:56 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I don't have a witty slogan. I am just so proud of you for taking up such a worthy cause. Brava.

January 14, 2009 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

Posts like this make we wish I could drink Champagne and not get a rash and jaw pain. Of course, once the rashy feeling starts you just kinda figure you might as well go all in and drink the whole bottle... so, here's my slogan:

Drink 'real' Champagne from France.
Because you're not just a drunk unfit mother. You're cultured.

January 14, 2009 at 5:44 PM  
Blogger Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

I have no slogan for Champagne. I don't like it, so as long as I can go for whatever vodka I want... life is good.

January 14, 2009 at 5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't drink cheap ass champagne or you'll be all "Do You Hear Voices?"

Don't drink cheap ass champagne or voices will tell you horrid, horrid lies about heavy metals.

Drink French champagne and learn how to feed heavy metals to killjoys.

January 14, 2009 at 6:41 PM  
Blogger Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Just checked ... you New Yorkers (pun intended) are so ahead of us Chicagoans ... we've only got up through January 12. I'll have to check the next one when it arrives...

January 15, 2009 at 10:39 AM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

oh my god! i had no idea. i drink 'champagne' all the time and was wondering (birds tweeting, crickets chirping) why it was not expensive when i hear everyone (magazines, tv) say it IS expensive, and now realize it IS expensive when it's actually champagne!!! sniff.

January 17, 2009 at 1:50 PM  
Blogger Z said...

First, "If you're like me, you really like to watch TV and get massages." We are SO the same person.

Second, I know Robert Ulrich! Well, kind of. But not through a NYC celeb-spotting, because you know I don't have those. No, because I went to highschool with his kids. Well, his daughter. And his son for a semester until he got kicked out. And I think I still have his daughters bike stored in my parents garage at home. Just sayin'. Totally random, I know, but since you happened to mention one of those celebrities I actually know... If you want to do a post on the Sound Of Music next, I could totally come back with a comment about the Von Trapp family. Yeah? Interested?

January 17, 2009 at 2:33 PM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

I am leaving this comment and then I am going to open a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Real champagne is the only way to go.

January 18, 2009 at 12:07 PM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

I just want you to know I linked to this post on my blog today. Cheers!!!

January 20, 2009 at 10:59 AM  

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