Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tips for Holiday Hair. And Life, in General.

Last weekend I went to the Red Door salon on Fifth Avenue to have some emergency beauty treatments. I'm in the process of writing a post about it, but it will not be ready until Monday, since I have to work out some issues with my therapist, and possibly my probation officer, first.

But while I'm busy doing that, I wanted to share this card that I picked up at the salon. I'm sure that you will agree that it contains important information and that it would be unfair to withhold it from you. It's about something that we tend to overlook during the holiday season. Hair.

Beautiful Holiday Hair Tips. (Now with annotations!)

1. Want to brighten the season? Try additional or lighter highlights around your face.
Or turn the light on.

2. Make a resolution. NO ROOTS showing from now through your New Year's parties.
Do not, under any circumstances, celebrate the Chinese New Year.

3. Transform 'work hair' to 'party hair' by sweeping it up, but no banana clips please!
A steak knife will do nicely instead.

4. Don't make any major cut or color changes at the beginning of the season. It will be a topic at every party.
ew Year's Resolution: Get invited to fewer lame ass parties next year.

5. Schedule hair services way in advance to avoid the holiday 'appointment rush'.
This is also handy in not having to tip the hairdresser extra for the holidays: win-win!

6. Avoid end-of-day color bookings during this exhausting season. If you must be last on your colorist's list...bring chocolates.
Because, you know, coloring hair is sort of like working in the mines and the poor dears are exhausted.

7. If you are going to wear ornaments in your hair, remember that less is more.
And that none is most.

8. Adding whimsical red and green pieces to your holiday hair? Keep them temporary or able to be clipped out. Do not use permanent color.
Also consider decapitation.

9.  Your hair should match the warmth and glow of the season. Color, highlight, gloss, condition your hair (whatever it takes) to ensure it looks rich and shiny.
No matter the cost, have multiple treatments (whatever it takes) and spare no expense. Priorities, people.

So, armed with this information, your hair can have a wonderful holiday. Because that's what the holidays are all about, really--hair.


Blogger jmt said...

People really add red or green to their hair to be festive? Strange.

December 10, 2008 at 10:56 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Do people seriously add "red and green pieces" to their hair during the holidays? Seriously?

Decapitation indeed.

This is classic Marinka. Hilarious. It's why we all love and adore you so much. Even if Husbandrinka doesn't appreciate you.

December 10, 2008 at 10:56 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

None is most. Yes. Is mention of banana clips even necessary? I mean that predates the scrunchie by at least a decade, and I just had a strong visceral reaction to even writing the word scrunchie. Forget it. Goodnight.

December 10, 2008 at 10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Green and red hair?
Banana clips?

I suspect the Red Door Salon on 5th Avenue had six million of these printed up in the late 80s and is still trying to get rid of them.
It's a wonder there is no mention of getting your roots repermed, but that probably goes without saying.

December 10, 2008 at 11:05 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

The sign doesn't say whether it is aiming at just women, or whether the rest of us should also have hair that matches the warmth and glow of the season.

Warmth? What warmth?

December 11, 2008 at 1:43 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

Yeah, I am also stuck on that people adding red and green to their hair. And ornaments? How odd, I mean festive!

December 11, 2008 at 3:27 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

Thank God I can take these damn ornaments out of my hair. They were driving me insane.

December 11, 2008 at 6:03 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

I suppose if my hair is supposed to be a temperature gauge, mine should be white. Oh yeah, it does have white in it. Not that you can tell, because it's colored. Oh, but I have some roots right now. Damn.
Am I making any sense? Didn't think so.

December 11, 2008 at 7:20 AM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

Wait. What if my roots are red and green? Is that okay?

December 11, 2008 at 7:53 AM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

I've found that a small set battery powered christmas lights not only brightens the face but conceals the roots.

December 11, 2008 at 8:05 AM  
Blogger Green said...

Ha! Ok, I thought we were supposed to take care of us first?

December 11, 2008 at 8:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm stuck on ornaments and green and red pieces...who does that?

December 11, 2008 at 8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going for the most basic fundamental of all: CLEAN. I'm going to have clean hair every damn day of this holiday season. That's as high as I aspire. Any shining I do will be from the 17 gray hairs that occasionally twinkle in the light.

December 11, 2008 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

They failed to mention that dandruff can be festive. A little snow on your shoulders will create the illusion of a white Christmas.

December 11, 2008 at 8:51 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

I still plan to wear my 6ft wing span ostrich feather Angle wings.

December 11, 2008 at 9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this from the same person who wrote Holiday Ideas To Decorating Your Car?

Because that person otta by shot.

December 11, 2008 at 9:13 AM  
Blogger wfbdoglover said...

OMG you WENT to Elizabeth Arden? Did you get a bathrobe and slippers? WHAT goes on behind the red door?

I use to stand outside afraid to go in and see what was behind the door. Are you like a millionaire?

December 11, 2008 at 9:18 AM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

Annotation number 8 is my favorite. You crack me up.

Hope you're feeling better. I haven't stopped worrying.....(given your explicit Twitter instructions)

December 11, 2008 at 9:30 AM  
Blogger LTYM said...

I find that adorning my head with stick-on giftwrap bows makes for a lovely holiday look. Plus it makes people scared of you.

December 11, 2008 at 9:47 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

7 and 8 are the ones that really get me. Ornaments and red and green pieces? Are your serious?

December 11, 2008 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Women who go to Elizabeth Arden get "whimsical red and green pieces" to their hair? That's news to me... This list sounds more like something you'd find at Dolly Parton's salon in Steel Magnolias.

December 11, 2008 at 11:23 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

Who really wears ornaments in their hair? What next a flashing Santa?

December 11, 2008 at 11:27 AM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

My favorite is #4. Orange soda came out my nose, not a good look.

December 11, 2008 at 12:56 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh yes, I'm so glad someone somewhere has the right priorities.

But what do these people recommend for black-headed beauties? It's not like I can highlight my hair, unless I like purple or red. And I don't.

But I suppose silver ornaments in my hair would look great. Should I go with glitter or blown glass?

December 11, 2008 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Schokolade Mädchen said...


#4 is my favorite!

December 11, 2008 at 2:23 PM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

Are you sure these rules were for the clients and not the staff members who like to dress in drag for the annual holiday party?

December 11, 2008 at 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's odd to me that there aren't 10suggestions listed. Who makes a list of 9 things? It's all very suspect.

December 11, 2008 at 3:51 PM  
Blogger Lucia said...

A nice strand of garland intertwined in my hair always says I love this season, the season of hair.
I just about died laughing reading this. Thanks for the laugh!!

December 11, 2008 at 5:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait...people go to parties for New Years? Crap.

December 11, 2008 at 6:04 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Typically, I choose the two most sparkly blown glass balls (I prefer the ones with hand painting that look very "old country"), hang them from long satin ribbons, and just loop the ribbons over my ears. I find this "oversized ornament earrings" look is both festive and highly accommodating for other festivities going on in the hair region of my head. As for "warm and glowing," I have often considered wearing a halo of twinkle lights.

But I generally think that might be going overboard.

December 11, 2008 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

It's good to be a guy.

December 11, 2008 at 8:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love numbers 7 and 8. Your additions to them, that is. I'd also like to add to number 8 that, at the very least, electroshock therapy should be considered. Seriously? People put red and green in their hair for the holidays? For reals?

Number 9? Exactly. Spare no expense on your hair. Don't bother with your mortgage payments - we're in a recession, so your house is already in the process of being repossessed. Go out with good hair.

December 11, 2008 at 8:46 PM  
Blogger Sue Wilkey said...

My hair is always 'party hair'.

December 11, 2008 at 9:20 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Umm... I don't think we all need to be too concerned with beating the holiday rush. I mean, can anyone afford to go to their hair stylist anymore?!

December 11, 2008 at 9:46 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I think this list would make me laugh at any time, but in the face of this Christmas' added worries it seems so ridiculously out of step that one's ONLY option is to laugh at it!

December 11, 2008 at 10:30 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Any tips on what to do with my hair before I go to the unemployment office? Maybe get a clip in the shape of a briefcase or a calculator?

December 11, 2008 at 11:56 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

None is most. Brilliant.

December 12, 2008 at 2:30 AM  
Blogger Z said...

You just saved me from going out, bleaching my hair, and dying in red-and-green pinstripes. Thanks! ;)

December 12, 2008 at 11:57 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Wow, the most festive my hair ever gets is actually getting blown dry and not being swept into a ponytail. Apparently, I am not as "chic" as I think...

December 12, 2008 at 2:08 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oddly, I wasn't concerned at all about mine...

December 12, 2008 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

So, what you're saying is that my plan for the company Xmas party of leaving work to get some late-scheduled green and red color stripes and then pulling them all up in a festive banana clip with a reindeer "accessory" is a "no"?

December 12, 2008 at 8:07 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Re #8: Oh, SURE. NOW they tell me not to use permanent color for my whimsical red and green pieces.

So - what - am I supposed to walk around looking like enchilada verde until July 4th now?

Friggin' whimsy.

BTW, thank you for being the ONLY one to see the racist undertones of my "Whitey" post. You are the sole commenter with the artistic sensitivity to discern my message of holiday hate. THANK YOU.



December 12, 2008 at 8:26 PM  
Blogger designHER Momma said...

love the list, although I think I've violated a few rules already....

December 12, 2008 at 8:46 PM  
Blogger Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

I love how in their own self interest they ask you to give them chocolates and make lots of appointments.

No, of course I'm not cynical, it really is all about you (not their bottom line).

You so make me laugh!

December 13, 2008 at 1:34 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

If you can counsel me through summer and stop me from cutting my hair and then regretting it in winter, I'll accept that the Tsar never died and lives on in NYC.

December 13, 2008 at 6:52 AM  
Blogger Janeen T, aka: Ben's Mommy said...

What a great take on an otherwise worthless marketing piece. Only in NY. It might be nice to have a teeny, tiny piece of that sophistication infused in Sacramento!

December 14, 2008 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Hair is so NOT over rated. Can you believe that I actually waited until I got back to the US to have my hair cut by my one and only stylist.

Hair coloring is later this week!

December 15, 2008 at 2:46 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

"8. Adding whimsical red and green pieces to your holiday hair? Keep them temporary or able to be clipped out. Do not use permanent color.
Also consider decapitation."

This was my favorite one...I see why Queen of Shake Shake loves you so much. :)

January 9, 2009 at 11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know how I'm ever going to make it up to my hair for not giving it the holiday it deserved!

January 9, 2009 at 12:07 PM  

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