Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fucked Up Catalogs

You know how sometimes you'll be on an airplane (usually when you're flying somewhere) and suddenly there will be turbulence and you'll think "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, ESPECIALLY ME!" and then you sort of calm down and realize that a trained professional is flying the plane, and not the Madagascar II penguins and feel all better? And then you remember that the trained professionals have to submit to mandatory drug testing and feel even better about the whole thing?

Well, wouldn't it be great if other professionals had to submit to mandatory drug testing as well? For example, those people who set up catalog shots.  

Seriously, if you're used to getting catalogs, especially this time of year, take a look at them. And then let's try to guess what drugs these people are taking.

Exhibit 1:

What were the directions for this shot? 
"Ok, Miss, you thread the popcorn, because that's fun and you, big guy, look at the dog. But not like you're thinking of sodomizing him or anything, just like you're all-American and like dogs. Yes! This is the scene we need to sell long underwear to people who like to spend the most boring weekend together in the history of boredom."

Exhibit 2:

Ok, so I've been to FAO Schwartz and they really have all these huge stuffed toys in their store. I always assumed that they were purchased either by Ricky Schroeder's character on "Silver Spoons" or by the Home for the Mentally Insane for some kind of Jungle Therapy, but never in my wildest dreams (get it? WILD?) did I think that these enormous animals were all going to be staged outside in an evolutionary incorrect manner. Hello? A unicorn? And on what planet are the dinosaurs romping around with zebras? On planet LSD, I say.

Exhibit 3:

I don't know what to say. 
"Can I get a stuffed zebra, daddy?" 
"No, we're in the middle of a recession." 
"Why can't I get a stuffed unicorn?" 
" Because you're a whiny bitch, just like your mother, that's why!" shoves head through newspaper
Mother:  "You're so funny! I'm falling in love with you all over again!"
I want to know who thought that this image was going to sell pajamas, unless they were going for that subliminal "buy our shit or we'll bash your head in, too" thing.

So, please join me in insisting that these people be tested for drugs. Because we, and our children, deserve less fucked up catalogs.
Thank you and God Bless America.



Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Damnable catalogs.

My "favorite" at the moment is Gorsuch, whose demographic appears to be - very specifically - the Von Trapp Family. Seriously, it's uber-expensive clothes for swanky yodeling porn stars romping in the snow and carrying Bottega Venetta (or however the hell it's spelled) handbags and drinking from horns.

Factor on top of that that I'm reading this catalog on the toilet and I think you begin to feel my general disorientation.

Damn yodelers.

November 19, 2008 at 1:42 AM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

I can't believe you're not standing by to moderate my comment. It's only 1:40 am NYC time.

It's cool.

I'll wait.

November 19, 2008 at 1:44 AM  
Blogger bex said...

I agree, we must take action immediately.

The guy in the last photo looks like he had a bowl of Zoloft for breakfast.

November 19, 2008 at 1:56 AM  
Blogger Julia@SometimesLucid said...

When I was a kid and watching "Silver Spoons" I sooo wanted the big stuffed animals, game room and racing car bed!

November 19, 2008 at 2:19 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

I don't get many catalogs, but I do have a cute one that I took a photo of a long time ago and meant to post on my blog. So maybe I'll do it soon.

I love the Photoshop Disasters blog though. It's great to see people missing limbs and such.

November 19, 2008 at 4:22 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

you're damn right. fucking catalogs. (that felt good.)

November 19, 2008 at 6:36 AM  
Blogger Marmite Breath said...

The American Girl catalog makes my eyes bleed. $250 for Kit's treehouse! Uh, hello!?

November 19, 2008 at 6:54 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

stupid catalog people.

November 19, 2008 at 8:14 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

On your evolutionarily incorrect photo, just two words: Sarah Palin.

I'm actually keeping every.single.catalog I get this season just to see how bad it is. the stack is currently eight inches high. And those are real inches, not man inches.

November 19, 2008 at 8:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't even tell you how many times my husband and I have been sitting on the front stoop of our house in our pajamas reading the same pages of the newspaper with our son betweens us in his pajamas and he just punches his head through the newspaper. I don't even get mad that I was in the middle of reading that article. So true to life!

November 19, 2008 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger rachel... said...

Oh my... Literally LOL...

Will have to take a closer look at our catalogues. They usually spend a half day in the bathroom, then get thrown in the fireplace or out with the recyclables.

I'm not sure why I keep getting catalogues. I can't even remember the last time I ordered something...

November 19, 2008 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Sonya said...

good morning laugh, thanks!

November 19, 2008 at 9:38 AM  
Blogger Z said...

OK, I was disturbed by the animals, but then the next one... WTF?!?!

I don't get catalogs these days (seems I never updated my address with them when I moved... I wonder why...) but I can look forward to a huge stack piled up at my parent's when I go there. Shall have to see what I find...

November 19, 2008 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

You're too much. I get a guaranteed laugh outta you and that's a wonderful thing. Hilarious, as usual ;)

November 19, 2008 at 10:14 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

Loved the comments on number 1, made me choke on my morning coffee.

As a part time photographer I have no idea what they were thinking for either 1 or 3, I thought I might have some insight but apparently I don't.

November 19, 2008 at 10:14 AM  
Blogger kelly beasley said...

i spit reading this as i was laughing my arse off. thanks, now i have to go clean off my computer!

November 19, 2008 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Sue Wilkey said...

YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! I love finding "My new Favorite Blog"!!!!!!!!! (popped over on Anna L's advice)

You are hilarious and should be Supreme Blog Ruler of the Universe.

November 19, 2008 at 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worst thing is that my daughter reads all these catalogs which keep jamming up our mailbox. From cover to cover. And she thinks they are real.
Heaven help us if we ever get the one with the big animals. Her bottom lip will be trembling violently on Christmas Day, when she realizes Santa has forsaken her and our yard isn't full of the requested zebras and dinosaurs.

BTW, which is the first catalog? I need to get my husband some sexy underwear like that for next time I am threading the popcorn.

November 19, 2008 at 11:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love those catalog shots of matching family jammies. Like the long johns kind. especially if they are personalized with names stitched onto the front (Laverne & Shirley style). My husband would wear boar hair underwear before he'd wear candy cane stripe leggings.

November 19, 2008 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger Andy - Instafather said...

hahahha nice one... Sadly, that's the best use of a newspaper I've seen in awhile. I really need a new profession.

November 19, 2008 at 11:23 AM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

You know who should be in charge of that? Tyra Banks. Cause during America's Next Top Model she's always saying that someone's pose is too commercial and not high fashion enough.

Which is true because there's never any popcorn stringing going on during fashion week.

xoxo, SG

November 19, 2008 at 11:34 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

LOL. That FAO Schwartz catalog gives me nightmares every year.

Who buys that stuff when they could be spending their hard earned money on gold bars.

November 19, 2008 at 11:44 AM  
Blogger essbesee said...

First time here but fucked up catalogs needs to be a blog in itself or at least a regular feature you do. hilarious. exhibit 3's description had me almost (but not quite) pissing myself.

November 19, 2008 at 1:10 PM  
Blogger jen said...

are you calling me boring, evolutionarily incorrect AND abusive? all in the same blog post?
'cause here in coconutbelly land, we totally sit around in our pajamas stringing popcorn for the dog, amidst large stuffed animals while our daughters have their heads rammed through newspapers...

November 19, 2008 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

That was awesome! My favorites are all the Victoria "it's-not-so-Secret" and lingerie catalog shots with these oh-so-tan women in their perfectly rolled, teased and shine-spritzed hair just hanging around the family kitchen/fireplace/office in a see through silk robe; a lace g-string; a barely-covers-the-nips push up bra; and "fuck me" pumps...with garters. Because, you know, that is what we all do every morning while trying to get the dogs outside, the cats inside, the lunches made, and finding clean laundry.

November 19, 2008 at 2:13 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

Catalogs are evil. They exist simply to present something other than reality. That's what makes them so fun!

P.S. What happened to Porn Sunday? Guest posting is not an excuse for leaving the faithful hanging. ;-)

November 19, 2008 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

... so where can I get the long underwear in exhibit one?

November 19, 2008 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

You've just given me reason to live this holiday season...thinking of what drugs catalog people are on.

November 19, 2008 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger Courtelle said...

So true!!

November 19, 2008 at 6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's obvious they're all HIGH. Popcorn lady is hoping that the "white cheddar" topping on the popcorn is actually crack and dog dooood is wondering when they'll turn off the cameras so that he can f*ck the dog.

November 19, 2008 at 9:09 PM  
Blogger Pseudo said...

So, hello. and how much do you think those people who creat that crap make?

November 20, 2008 at 1:06 AM  
Blogger Mariah said...

Seriously, who the fuck strings popcorn??? Besdides my overly prude mother that is...

November 21, 2008 at 11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about the VS peeps who are mucking up their eco footprint by taking down Mt Kilimanjaro with all the paper?! Where's their mandatory drug testing. Crazy asses.

November 21, 2008 at 1:17 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

Okay, seriously, I have tears running down my cheeks from the last picture/convo. You are too funny. My daughter keeps looking at me like I've lost my mind. Thanks for the laugh. :)

November 23, 2008 at 8:43 PM  

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