Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Motherhood in NYC: The Pilot

Recap: If you're too drained to read yesterday's post, which I totally relate to and respect, Husbandrinka and I discussed turning one of my posts into a sitcom. Based on his guidance, I prepared this script!

Motherhood in NYC: The Sitcom.
"She Ain't Misbehavin', She's Brain Damaged!"

Exterior shots of NYC to let viewers know that the show is set in NYC. In case "Motherhood in NYC" is too subtle.

Interior. Apartment in Manhattan. Like Different Strokes, but more recession-friendly.

A 10 year old girl comes skipping into the kitchen, where Husbandrinka, the patriarch, is reading The New York Times.

Girlchild: Daddy?

Patriarch: Yes, honey?

Girlchild: Daddy, I would really like to have a kitten. They are cute and cuddly!

Patriarch: We have discussed this before. You and your brother really want a kitten because they are cute and cuddly. However, I do not want a kitten. For they make a mess and have an erratic personality.

Girlchild: Please, daddy!

7 year old boychild runs in, carrying a baseball bat and maybe a football.

Boychild: I would like to have a kitten, too. They are very cuddly and cute!

Patriarch: (throws up hands) I give up. Children, you may get a kitten. Your Russian grandmother, babushka, will take you to adopt one. Against my better judgment.

Kids: Yay!

Opening credits.

Daniel Craig as Husbandrinka!
Adorable Unknown (female) as Girlchild
Adorable Unknown (male) as Boychild

and special guest star: Linda Hunt as Marinka


Interior Pet store.

Mama (dressed in Russian national clothes, or maybe a fur hat): Here we are, kids, ready to adopt a kitten! Although we are at a pet store, they do not sell kittens. They are for adoption. Let us wait in line. Like I used to wait in line for bread in Russia in the coldest of winters.

Boychild: waiting in line is boring! I think I'll jump around!

Mama: Well, this is a pet store, you little monkey! Go right ahead! Na zdorovye!

Boychild jumps up and lands on some woman's foot.

Cranky Hag: Ow! In my day, kids were seen and not heard!

Girlchild: In your day, kids were not heard because of the roar of the dinosaurs!

Adoption agent: Well, what a multigenerational and international family you are! Have you selected a kitten?

Kids, in unison: THAT ONE!

Adoption agent: Aww, that's little Sundance. She's adorable and completely sane! Congratulations.

Kids: Yay!

Mama: I'm sure that Sundance will be a perfect addition to your family! Nothing can possibly go wrong!

COMMERICAL.

Angelina Jolie walks into a war-torn refugee camp.
Hi, I'm Angelina Jolie, an Oscar winning actress, a UN goodwill ambassador, and most of all, a mother. Whether I'm on location to shoot a film or on location to expand my family, I always have my HP Vivienne Tam mini computer with me. Because I never know when the inspiration to write a letter to the editor will strike, or when I'll need to leak some news about Jen still being single and childless to the tabloids. The Vivienne Tam mini is portable and fashionable. And it beautiful. Like me. And Shiloh. I love the Vivienne Tam HP mini so much, I named my youngest daughter Vivienne!


Interior: Family living room.
Marinka is on hands and knees washing the floor. The kitten, Sundance, keeps trying to grab at the rag that she is using.

Marinka: Sundance, you silly puss! Stop that.

Girlchild: She is just playing!

Boychild: Leave her alone, MOM! And you missed a spot.

Marinka: Oy, children, how you talk to me (writer's notes: explore possiblity of Marinka breaking into a Fiddle On the Roof-type song)

Children: Whatever. Oh my god! Sundance is now biting the bottoms of our Levi's stonewashed jeans!

EVERYONE IN UNISON: SUNDANCE!


Interior: Bedroom.

Patriarch: Marinka, have you seen my wallet?

Marinka: No, not since you gave me my weekly grocery allowance earlier in the week.

Patricarch: I left it on the dresser, and then Sundance was jumping around here--
Patriarch and Marinka in unison: SUNDANCE!


Interior: Living Room. Doorbell rings.

Patriarch: Who could that be?
Door opens, John comes in. He is wearing a bright pink scarf and a tophat

John: Hi ho, everyone! I was just in this turkeyneck of the woods and thought I'd pop tart in to check in on you!

Kids: YAY! John!

Patriarch: Marinka is not here today.

John: Where is she, shopping? Mani-pedi? Women! I don't know how you put up with her, Husbandrinka!

SUNDANCE runs in and jumps on top of John's head.

Everyone in unison: SUNDANCE!

John: WOMEN!

Interior: Dining room;

Patriarch: You know, call me crazy-

Kids: Hi, CRAZY!!

Patriarch: as I was saying, call me crazy, but I think there's something wrong with our Sundance.

Girlchild: What do you mean? She's cute!

Boychild: And cuddly!

Patriarch: Well, she hid my wallet. Girl child saw her drinking from the toilet, She bit everyone's jeans. This isn't normal kitten behavior. Now, your mother had to go on an emergency trip and won't be back for a few episodes, I mean, weeks, but I think we should go back to the place from whence Sundance came and have a conversation.

Intrerior pet store. Kids and Mama are back, with sad faces.

Mama: Sundance seems to be, excuse me, how to say, like Krushchev at UN assembly in early 1960s.

Adoption agent: I don't understand, Sundance has been banging on the table with her shoe?

Mama: Darn these cultural misunderstandings. I feel like I need vodka and caviar. No, I mean, Sundance seems like a crazy.

Adoption agent: This is a very serious allegation.

Boychild: She poops outside the box!

Mama: Hush, boychild!

Girlchild: Mommy says poop is natural.

Mama: Oh, you Americans!

Adoption agent: Oh dear! I've checked the adoption records and it looks like we forgot to tell you that Sundance has brain damage! So sorry!

Mama: Well, now at least we understand why she acts like that!

Kids: Brain damage! Yay!

Ending credits...

Next week on Husbandrinkahood in NYC: With Marinka away, Husbandrinka will play! Who will steal his heart? We can't tell you, but she is younger and thinner than Marinka! (But then, who isn't?)

Labels: ,

38 Comments:

Blogger Kari said...

This is going to be bigger than Two and a Half Men!

April 1, 2009 at 12:56 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

[*blink* *blink*]

Daniel Craig?

I was really impressed you managed to get Jolie to do that commercial. I found it touching that in the commercial Jolie carries on the whole Jen thing. I found it intriguing that Jolie appears to use a VT mini, which if I remember correctly, you're good self also uses...

I would like to have used that dinosaur line when I was younger.

April 1, 2009 at 1:00 AM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

WEETS! Oh how funny. Tres Chic in the city and everything. And with a KITTEH! Excellent pilot, and I should know ... I watch enough of them. *laughs*

Can't wait to hear the next eppy!

April 1, 2009 at 1:15 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Can I get a walk on role?

April 1, 2009 at 1:24 AM  
Blogger jon said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

April 1, 2009 at 3:59 AM  
Blogger jon said...

Oh no, why is Linda Hunt missing the next few episodes? She needs to be there to tell the children the famous Marinka quote that the cat is cute, but brain damaged and that they will find that a lot in life!

April 1, 2009 at 4:00 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Daniel Craig is English. Will he have a fake American accent? Linda Hunt? I imagined you taller..

April 1, 2009 at 4:55 AM  
Blogger musing said...

Where can we buy tickets to be in the studio audience?

April 1, 2009 at 5:52 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I would watch this show. You are totally on to something here.

April 1, 2009 at 6:08 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

I agree with Husbandrinka. . . every good sitcom needs a pop-in gay character.

And keep the Moma coming. You know I love her!

April 1, 2009 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

"Mama: Well, this is a pet store, you little monkey! Go right ahead! Na zdorovye!"

I think I choked on my toast right about then. Which is always an awesome way to start my morning. Thanks, once again. That was awesome.

April 1, 2009 at 8:13 AM  
Anonymous Coco said...

Very funny...and why doesn't Linda Hunt have her own show anymore?

Coco

April 1, 2009 at 8:13 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Love all the sponsors you have for your sitcom.

April 1, 2009 at 8:48 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I spoke to Daniel Craig's agent and they said the only way he'll play the role is if I have a recurring guest appearance as The Other Woman he keeps in the expensive beach house on the Gulf.

April 1, 2009 at 9:18 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

This was brilliant: In your day, kids were not heard because of the roar of the dinosaurs!

April 1, 2009 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Your casting agent is fantastic.

I think it's time to quit your day job and move out to LA. This is sure to be a hit. Now that Will & Grace, Friends, and all of the other popular NYC sitcoms are off the air - you may be able to fill a broadcast hole...

April 1, 2009 at 10:06 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

Good, but with the other Motherhood show... I think you need to rename it.

Marinka in NYC

April 1, 2009 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

"In your day, kids were not heard because of the roar of the dinosaurs!"

Bwahahaha!!! I must use that line on someone.

Love the VT Mini commercial. I wish my Hubster had seen it and decided that he must get me one to feel like a whole man again. *wink*

April 1, 2009 at 10:57 AM  
Blogger WA said...

I can smell the Emmy awards from here.

Please, hire me as a staff writer and I promise to write a smashing episode about Marinka's torrid affair with Matt Lauer. Perfect for May sweeps.

April 1, 2009 at 11:02 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Brilliant! You will go far with this idea!

April 1, 2009 at 11:12 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

notes to writer from network: love it! it's perfect! just a few small changes: move location to miami; cast j.lo as marinka; kill off husband, replace with angelina j.; add supernatural element - maybe husband's ghost, which sometimes possesses cat; set in nail salon owned by metrosexual, will smith.

April 1, 2009 at 11:52 AM  
Blogger Stranded in Stepford said...

Who was it- maybe Jamie Oliver? who pointed out that if you mix up Shiloh's name instead of Shiloh Pitt you end up with Piloh- well you know.

People really need to think of these things before they name their children.

Oh, and I clearly have dain brammage given that this comment is clearly OT.

April 1, 2009 at 12:32 PM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Nice choice for the casting of Husbandrinka!

April 1, 2009 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I'm TRYING to keep a straight face at work!!
I just love the Russian element in your sitcom!! I think I need to go to the restroom now to LMAO!!!!!

April 1, 2009 at 5:38 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

You should summon up some of the technique you used in acquiring Nicky to get someone gorgeous to play you. You deserve it!

April 1, 2009 at 6:48 PM  
Blogger Denise said...

Glad you took my idea to put it on tv! You'll make a million. Absolutly love the babushka. We call ours baba.

April 1, 2009 at 7:47 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

what, no fucks? NOT ONE??

isn't this going to be on HBO???

April 1, 2009 at 8:06 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I would, without question, watch this show, and I would make tshirts with iron-on letters spelling out "SUNDANCE!", which I already predict will be a stellar comedy catchphrase!

April 1, 2009 at 8:07 PM  
Blogger K.Line said...

When you said special appearance by Linda Hunt as Marinka - I seriously snorted red wine out of my nose. So freakin' funny!

April 1, 2009 at 8:31 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

A) I am laughing so hard at this line that I am leaving a comment without reading any further: Exterior shots of NYC to let viewers know that the show is set in NYC. In case "Motherhood in NYC" is too subtle.

B) I can't tell you how impressed I am that you have written TWO more posts with basically the same information/plot in them as a previous post, and yet managed to make them interesting enough to make me read the story again. Twice. You should write sitcoms. I'll sit and read them.

April 1, 2009 at 8:52 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Dude all cats are crazy. They're just waiting to coax you into complacency so they can claw out your jugular.

April 1, 2009 at 8:56 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Now that I've actually read the whole thing, I have to leave another comment (I know, annoying stalker) to tell you that I haven't laughed this hard in a really long time. If I told you all the things that made me laugh, I'd have to retype nearly the whole post, but I will say that the pink scarf and tophat were brilliant.

April 1, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

This will obviously be picked up.

Is your blog now sponsored by HP Vivienne Tam?

April 1, 2009 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

wait, did you return the cat? I thought you never took it home and got the mentally stable one that has been sober for over five years?

April 2, 2009 at 1:06 AM  
Blogger Veronica Lee said...

Hi and welcome to MBC! Great blog.

April 2, 2009 at 4:17 AM  
Anonymous susan said...

na zdorovya!

i love it!

April 2, 2009 at 11:30 PM  
Anonymous susan said...

oh...also this is like "marmaduke" comic.

April 2, 2009 at 11:33 PM  
Anonymous Nydia said...

I see a possible reality show in Bravo's future ...

April 6, 2009 at 3:23 PM  

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