Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Treatment

We were on vacation last week, at my parents' house in the Catskills, with lofty plans to drive to the Niagara Falls for a few days. I also managed to sneak in some time to fume over the fact that Husbandrinka has never read my blog. No doubt because he's seething with jealousy.
"You know what would be fun?" I asked him one night-"if we could make a TV show out of my blog."
Within a day, he had written a treatment for a proposed sitcom based on "Motherhood in NYC".
"How did you know how to do this?" I asked.
"I know stuff," he watched me read it.
"This Husband, the heart and soul of the family, as it says here, sure seems to be the focal point on the show."
"Well, it's just a rough sketch."
"And what is this "homosexual confidant" who drops in all the time, saying hilarious things? Is that John? He never "drops by"."
"He calls all the time, that's the same thing."
"It is not the same thing. John and I don't drop in on each other because we're both too drained to go anywhere. So the phone is perfect. Except for having to pick it up and dialing and shit."
"You can't have two characters just talking on the phone all the time."
"Well, not all the time, but having him drop in makes him sound like Mr. Bentley from The Jeffersons. And insane."
"That's what makes it FUNNY." He says "funny" in the way that you would if you were speaking to a child who has yet to acquire speech.
"Whatever."
As I'm pouting he uses a very unique to Husbandrinka method to try to cheer me up. He suggests that I bring my laptop on our car trip so that he can dictate some episode summaries to me. No, no need to run to your nearest opthamologist (unless it's time for your check up, of course, I can't really give medical advice. Although you should definitely have that mole looked at), Husbandrinka really did tell me that he was going to dictate an episode of a sitcom, based on Motherhood in NYC, which I write and which he has never read, to me. Because apparently the biggest appeal of the blog is that it is well typed.
"Oh, fuck you, already," I told him. "I can't believe you think you're going to cocktate to me."
"You can't use that kind of language on television," he says.
So any sitcom producers out there--if you hire Husbandrinka, you'll get a head writer and network censor all rolled into one, a real savings in this economy.

While we're driving to Niagara Falls, I spend the first three hours in steely silence. Finally, I can't take it anymore. Because the bad thing about giving Husbandrinka the silent treatment is that (a) he has no idea that I'm doing it and (b) he thoroughly enjoys the silence, which makes it more like an early birthday present than a punishment.
"Ok, let's brainstorm," I tell him as I power up the HP mini, which is feather light, (assuming that feathers weigh what the Vivienne Tam mini weighs).
"Well," he says. "Let's think of what funny things happened to our family--oh, how about the cat adoption?"
"The cat adoption isn't that funny, the near-adoption is funny," I tell him, referring to the near-miss of adopting a brain-damaged kitten.
"Right--so get this down: After badgering the Husband for a kitten, he agrees, reluctantly. Mother in law takes children to look at kittens-"
"MOTHER-IN-LAW?" I hyperventillate. "What mother-in-law? Your mother is "mother-in-law", my mother is "mama". Everyone knows that."
"Fine. Mother takes children to look at kittens."
"Mama."
"Mama. Porca Miseria"
"That's not very nice."
"Va fongul."
"Rude."
"Do you want to do the episode synopsis?"
"Yes, but you keep trying to wedge yourself as the main character."
"It should be that they go and adopt a brain damaged kitten and then there's all sorts of crazy stuff and when the family calls, despondent, they find out that the cat has brain damage. That's what makes it funny."
"That's not what happened, though." I briefly remind him that what made it funny was that the kids really wanted the kitten which the adoption coordintor would not let us have because of their policy of adopting out two kittens together only, but then, ironically, the adotion coordinator seemed to reconsider because with our good fortune, the ktiten that the kids selected was suffering from brain damage, which was the exact moment when I realized that we must do everything in our power to ensure that the brain damaged kitten was not coming home with us.
"That's too talky," he says. "A sitcom is a situation comedy. You need a situation." (ok, am I the only one who thought that sitcom was a comedy that you watched while sitting down? Because I wasn't going to mention that to Husbandrinka).

Seriously, he just wore me down emotionally. So I did the only thing that I could--I wrote a script based on his concept based on my post, which he hasn't read. Stay tuned.

Hey! How come you haven't entered the Thomas stage show ticket giveaway? Because you hate children? Because you hate fun? Stop being a hater! Seriously, folks, can you enter this giveaway, tweet it, blog about it, sky write it. Because I think Thomas may go rogue on my ass otherwise. Thanks! You're the best! love you! If you tweet, blog, etc, leave me a comment on the Thomas post and I'll double/triple enter you in the giveaway.

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35 Comments:

Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

My husband never knows when I'm giving him the silent treatment either. He just thinks I'm enjoying some alone time.

March 31, 2009 at 12:10 AM  
Anonymous Do You Hear Voices? said...

Have you seen that new show In the Motherhood? This blog is way funnier than that.

March 31, 2009 at 12:18 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I think if you pitch this idea to cable, you can totally use that excellent 'cocktate' word. A lot! I may start using in in my non-cable life, actually.

March 31, 2009 at 12:21 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

who would be cast as you? what about the husbandrinka? and mama? and papa?

oh. the excitement. please, you have to include potential actors, for us all to devour.

March 31, 2009 at 12:47 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I have a great idea for a sitcom. Give me a ring when you're free.

March 31, 2009 at 1:08 AM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

This was a bloody brilliant blog. The banter between you and husbandrinka is priceless!!

I do hope you do more posts on said "sit-com" and yes ... I believe that's a comedy that you watch sitting down. Situation comedy ... bah!!!

blessings!

March 31, 2009 at 2:05 AM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

Hilarious! Let the scripts wars begin...

March 31, 2009 at 2:44 AM  
Blogger jon said...

I am setting my Tivo!

March 31, 2009 at 3:35 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Sounds like Husbandrinka needs his own damn blog.

March 31, 2009 at 6:01 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

A sitcom is a situation comedy? Who knew?!?! Giggled all the way thru, thanks for that this morning!

March 31, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I think it could work- only you could hang out at the duplex and invite your funny bloggy friends to drop in.


Can we say fuck on tv???

March 31, 2009 at 7:42 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Pssssst! Happy Birthday, you sitcom star you!

Should we start calling you Sarah Jessica Parker?

March 31, 2009 at 7:54 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Damn that was exhuasting! Can't wait to read your sitcom version!

March 31, 2009 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Hey you got that close to me, I would've driven to the Falls to meet you!
Is it your birthday? Happy birthday :)

March 31, 2009 at 8:26 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Cocktate?

Your birthday?

How selfish that you wouldn't share that with us!!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear....
Marinka
Happy Birthday to you.
Hip Hip Hooray
Hip Hip Hooray

March 31, 2009 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger WA said...

I hear that Aaron Spelling got started by stealing all of Candy's ideas, so maybe this will work out and you'll get a $150 million dollar mansion in the Holmby Hills. Maybe.

March 31, 2009 at 8:55 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I want to read more about cocktating!

If you had a sitcom based on your blog, it'd need to be on cable so the f-bomb could remain. Oh, and your parents could provide thousands of laughs.

March 31, 2009 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

Any time I'm enjoying the serenity of the silent treatment and my wife decides that maybe I've been punished enough I'll say something like "It's about time you gave up and decided to talk again." and then I get bonus time.

March 31, 2009 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger Simplicity said...

Nobody I know reads my blog. The people who live around me think I'm sane. And happy all the time. Only the rest of the world knows I'm not...

I love the concept of your script and laughed out loud at your sitcom description!!

Can't wait for more!

March 31, 2009 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

When you think about how funny Geaorge's parents were in Seinfeld, you most certainly have to give mama and papa starrign roles in Motherhood in NYC!

I say Husbandrinka is barely a supporting character. Maybe he only shows up in family photos, since he doesn't even read the blog.. he is just referred to, really. The show is all Marink, mama, papa, the kids, and bloggy friends. Yes,

I will have my people call your people.

March 31, 2009 at 9:40 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I would totally watch your sitcom.

March 31, 2009 at 9:40 AM  
Blogger Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Birthday? Mine too! Well mine was Sunday.

Happy Birthday!

And the best thing I got this year was the term "cocktate."

March 31, 2009 at 9:55 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I'll look for my contract in the mail.

Nothing makes me angrier than unnoticed silent treatment.

March 31, 2009 at 11:48 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

MARINKA - the sitcom

as cast by Marinka:
Marinka - Tina Fey
Husbandrinka - Danny DeVito
Daughterinka - Elle Fanning
Young Ladrinka - the adorable kid from 'Slumdog Millionaire"
John - Neil Patrick Harris

as cast by Husbandrinka:
Husbandrinka - The Rock
Marinka - Rosie O'Donnell (who sadly gets killed off in the 1st 5 minutes of the pilot)
Whorinka - Jessica Alba
Daughterinka - Daughterinka (keep the $ in the family)
Young Ladrinka - Young Ladrinka
John - Elton John

as cast by John:
Marinka - Miss Understood (popular drag queen)
Hubandrinka - Sylvester Stallone
Daughterinka - the Olsen twins
Young Ladrinka - Zach Efron
John - Brad Pitt

March 31, 2009 at 11:56 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Ok, if you get a TV show, I will so change my policy about watching TV and I will actually make time for your show!

March 31, 2009 at 12:02 PM  
Anonymous Dejoni said...

Please do a cable show so you can use the bad words...I need shows that are not PG-13.
Great post....

March 31, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

What? My husband knows every time I'm giving him the silent treatment.

I should write a 'how-to' blog on it.

March 31, 2009 at 12:36 PM  
Blogger A Woman Of No Importance said...

I want to organise the franchising of your welcomesitdowncom to the British Isles, Marinka - I know people! Well, no I don't, but I can stalk like a good 'un! Love cocktate! Love it!

March 31, 2009 at 1:41 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

My apologies to Husbandrinka, but I'm afraid Mama, Papa, and Friend John will probably end up making more appearances than he does in this "sit""com".

He can do a few cameos, though, I'm sure!

March 31, 2009 at 2:48 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Sadly - sitcoms don't do very well anymore... I personally thought Joey was fantastic - what did that last? Two seasons?

Your best bet is a reality show. But the good news is - you can still use scripts.

March 31, 2009 at 3:53 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

Will I get written in on season 2 as the moody friend who reminds Marinka why she doesn't want to move to the suburbs? I'm thinking Chloe Sevigny will play me.


xoxo, SG

March 31, 2009 at 4:54 PM  
Blogger La Belette Rouge said...

I'd definitely watch your show. It has to be funnier than that new Motherhood show looks.

March 31, 2009 at 7:58 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

Make sure your contract includes creative control (although I must say you're already pretty creative in how you control your family).

March 31, 2009 at 9:25 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

My husband wears me down emotionally, but I don't get any creative genius from it. I just get a hangover.

March 31, 2009 at 10:14 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

i would totally tivo your show...the one YOU would write, not husbandrinka. loved the reference to bentley. haven't thought of him in a while!

March 31, 2009 at 11:45 PM  

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