Friday, March 20, 2009

Labial Whore

Dedicated to my beautiful and crazy-funny friend Heather. And not just because she wrote about labia before I did.

The other day, John called me a labial whore.
It was just a term of endearment, so to speak.
As soon as he called me that, he asked "wait, what is labia?" and I had to explain that they were gynecological lips. He pretended to faint, as gay men sometimes do when labial issues are discussed.
"It's not nice to call people labial whores," I told him, because I prefer that people are sweet and polite to their fellow human beings at all times. That's just the kind of person I am.

So, a few days later, John and I were talking on the phone and he told me that his friend David explained to him that there was the major labia and the minor labia, so it was basically just like the baseball leagues. And then John said something that will haunt me always:
"Does this mean that women have four labia?"

Jesus. The labial quartet does sound like a mouthful, doesn't it?

And since I believe in genital equality, I wanted to share what my kids and I saw at the Metropolitan Museum of Art today. Oh, don't worry, a full account of that trip is coming. But for now, we saw this:



Want a closer look? Coming right up!



Is a dick shield really necessary? And if it is, why does it have to be in the, as the tourists admiring it alongside us, asked "happy all the time" position?

Oh, and on a different note, don't forget to enter the Thomas giveaway! And the Wizard of Oz giveaway is still going strong!

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42 Comments:

Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Well, apparently he's circumcised.

March 20, 2009 at 12:25 AM  
Blogger Steam Me Up, Kid said...

How considerate of the blacksmith to have included a special genital compartment/coat hook.

(Is it just me, or have penises evolved somewhat since medieval times?)

March 20, 2009 at 1:39 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Maybe there was a lapial whore on the battlefield?

March 20, 2009 at 2:13 AM  
Blogger phd in yogurtry said...

wishful thinking?

so, what did your friend think he meant by "labial whore" ?

March 20, 2009 at 2:22 AM  
Blogger lizspin said...

All the better to ride those horses with, I guess . . .

March 20, 2009 at 3:17 AM  
Blogger LyN said...

Oh God, I almost peed in my pants right here in the office. Now grinning from ear to ear trying to refrain myself from laughing out loud. Thanks for sharing the pics, btw. Man, that's freaking funny!!!

March 20, 2009 at 4:14 AM  
Blogger Jaywalker said...

This is a special medieval shock and awe technique. You should have seen the other guy's - his has giant barbed spikes.

(I have a history degree from the University of Oxford so what I say must be treated as gospel)

March 20, 2009 at 4:35 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Ok. The happiness in the suit of armor is distracting. I'm still hung up on the labial whore. I have kids who are attention whores meaning they like a lot of attention. So wouldn't a labial whore be a better description for someone who likes a lot of labial? Just thinking out loud.

March 20, 2009 at 5:58 AM  
Blogger A Woman Of No Importance said...

Designed to frighten the natives, just as Jaywalker says...

Just as when the Scots wore naught beneath their kilts - and raised them defiantly, in battle - Allegedly!

Er, what's a labial whorinka?! Dare one ask?

March 20, 2009 at 6:08 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I'm really in no position to comment on the 'mouthful'.
John obviously has labia-envy.
And I believe that that's where the saying
'balls of steel' originated from -
The Metropolitan Museum of Art!

March 20, 2009 at 6:13 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

At first I was aghast, but now I'm kind of excited about that.

Did they really sport woodies on the battlefield? I need to pay closer attention to history.

March 20, 2009 at 6:35 AM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

So I was right. Men do have a hard-on for war.

March 20, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

I'm thinking there were probably many a disappointed lass after the jousting match was over. But, hey, advertising works. Even when its not completely truthful.

March 20, 2009 at 7:24 AM  
Blogger Ronda's Rants said...

Okay...I have to know...why does Mr. Penis point upwards...does something occur in battle that I am unaware of?

March 20, 2009 at 7:56 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

I just can't even think of something to say here, I am laughing so hard.... not that kind of hard, OMG, that is even funny!

March 20, 2009 at 8:09 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Obviously things were ALOT more fun back then....hmmmm....

March 20, 2009 at 8:18 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

i would think that it would be because men spend more time "happy" than they do "unhappy". hey, we have to cover all the bases here, don't we?

March 20, 2009 at 8:46 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

You'd think the cold metal would have the opposite effect on that particluar issue.

March 20, 2009 at 8:47 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

I've heard of cod pieces, but that's a little much. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! What'd he use it for, a compass?

March 20, 2009 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

Was that the armor of Sir Fuckalot?

March 20, 2009 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

And wouldn't it be better to have it tucked IN with an armor plate OVER it than to have it sticking out in the perfect position for HACKING OFF??? If it was supposed to be a method of intimidation, um.....perhaps they should consider enhancing the size.

Just sayin'.

March 20, 2009 at 9:47 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

are you certain that john didn't call you a LABEL whore, and you just misheard him?

March 20, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

What I want to know is, why is it kind of curled up? Isn't that a medical condition?

March 20, 2009 at 11:53 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

The labial quartet... as a mouthful...??? Cringe.

March 20, 2009 at 12:07 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Now I'm going to be haunted by labias all day.

March 20, 2009 at 1:11 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Hey, I'm still fucking pissed the plural for labia isn't labias. Talk about genital inequality!

That suit of armor proves men are big sissies. Our labial quartet can take a licking and keep on ticking. Hello? CHILDBIRTH? I didn't get a fucking suit of armor for that.

March 20, 2009 at 2:51 PM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

Perhaps the medieval gentleman was one sick F*@# who really got off on all aspects of wearing a metal suit?

March 20, 2009 at 3:02 PM  
Blogger derfina said...

Oh, my. The Unit has been gone WAY too long.

I wonder if that was individually fitted? Seems to have a wicked curve. Musta been interesting. *snort*

March 20, 2009 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

If anyone remembers specific Muppets clearly, doesn't that look like Gonzo's nose?

March 20, 2009 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger bonnie-ann black said...

i have seen this... object in the museum and often think, "what does he think he can actually *do* with that? especially in that position?"

labial whore. a puzzling sort of expression. i'm sort of assuming that in the general run of things, whores always have labias. so that would be like saying, what? a "dick gigilo?" a "penis rent boy"?

March 20, 2009 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Your conversation with John reminded me of one I had with my brother when we were tweens...
bro (still stupidly naive): is it true that you females have three holes down there?!

Me: yeah..I'm holier than thou!

March 20, 2009 at 4:41 PM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

I can't believe no one figured out that it's like that so you have something to hang your helmet on when you need to eat.

March 20, 2009 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger Pearl said...

I think it's to inspire fear in the enemy.

RUN!

Pearl

March 20, 2009 at 6:56 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

You're right. That is terrifying. Now if they had to create labial shields, that would be problematic, because with four labia that will definitely be cumbersome, dontcha think?

March 20, 2009 at 9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heather Queen of Shake Shake says:

"Our labial quartet can take a licking..."


Ooooh yeah! LOL.

March 20, 2009 at 9:49 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Is this the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz giveaway because if so "I'm in"

March 20, 2009 at 11:01 PM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

Dannng it. Maelstrom stole my answer.

If you get the chance, you have to see Henry VIII's armor at the Tower of London. You'll never be the same.

March 21, 2009 at 12:58 AM  
Blogger ella said...

it's the curve of it that's so disturbing.

March 21, 2009 at 2:18 AM  
Blogger Maelstrom said...

Now I must investigate Jennifer H. This individual could have some sort of social disorde... special challenges if our answers were the same.

March 22, 2009 at 8:47 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Brings a new meaning to standing at attention.

March 22, 2009 at 9:08 PM  
Anonymous dejoni2003@yahoo.com said...

You know why they have them covered in metal? Cause there were lots of pissed of medieval women ready to cut their balls off, I'm sure of it. Men are trolls.

March 27, 2009 at 9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To further John anatomic, clerical and intellectual development you can tell him that anabaptism and anal baptism are two totally different concepts....

April 19, 2009 at 2:51 PM  

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