Thursday, March 19, 2009

Meow and All That Shit, by Nicki

Hello, people.

Here is my story:

Born.

Three other kittens in litter, none look like me.

Suspect mother is whore.

Separated from my mother.

Never knew my father.

In shelter.

Dewormed (I don't remember being too warm!)

Given shots.

Probably heroin.

Am addict.

Uterus removed.

Ovaries removed.

Stitched up with green thread (ready for St. Patricks!)

Relaxing at shelter, hoping for a quick death.

Find out from cage-mate it's a no-kill shelter.

Ask for more pain pills.

Fall asleep.

See Family of Horror approach. Freckle Face, Bald Spot, some yammering kids and some ancients.

Freckle Face calls The Ancients "mama" and "papa". What is this, The Waltons?

Freckle Face tells Bald Spot, "Just don't be yourself. Let me do the talking."

Suspect Freckle Face doesn't have any trouble talking over everyone.

Freckle Face can't shut up. "Remember, you love cats and are enthusiastic to adopt," she hiss-coaches Bald Spot.

Kids are cute but a little too yappy for my taste. Hello, some of us are ovaryless and are trying to rest!

Avoid eye contact at all cost.

Pretend to be asleep.

Pretend to be dead.

Ignore all cooing and "OMG, I LOVE THAT ONE!"

Flatten ears to indicate inability to hear.

"LOOK AT ITS EARS!"

Perk up ears because flattened ears are apparently considered adorable.

"AWWW, NOW IT'S LISTENING TO US!!"

Wonder why they think that cats are gender neutral.

Feel offended and belittled.

And objectified.

Shut eyes tighter than ever to make this nightmare stop.

Review "to do" list for upcoming week, number one, petition shelter for poison pill.

Cage opens.

I am lifted.

Like an animal.

Girl holds me and sniffs my fur.

Boy pets me.

Help me.

HELP ME.

"We want this one!" They chant.


Lose all hope.

Adapt to life with them

Forced to blog when Freckle Face "doesn't feel inspired".

Worry that Freckle Face is insane.

Impressed with self for writing a whole post.

Prepare self for doubters who'll say that "a cat couldn't have written that all by itself."

Hate doubters.

Plan revenge.

Pen manifesto.


Reminder from Freckle Face:Don't forget to enter The Wizard of Oz giveaway! Info here!

Labels:

36 Comments:

Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

A cat COULD NOT have written that all by itself. No chance.

March 19, 2009 at 4:43 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

Nicci - You sound like the perfect cat for the family. Only you could put up with them.

March 19, 2009 at 5:38 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

Brilliant. You've found your soulmate.

PS Snorting salad out one's nose hurts. Especially those little bean sprouts. I'm just sayin'.

March 19, 2009 at 6:45 AM  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Nicki: let your staff know you want your own blogsite.

March 19, 2009 at 7:01 AM  
Blogger La Tanguerita said...

Nicki, hire an agent. You might be legally enitled to some extra Whiskas Temptations Treats (as you are being exploited by your staff) and don’t even know it yet.

March 19, 2009 at 7:50 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Freckle Face isn't insane...much. And if she is, its the children's fault. What? That's MY story and I'm sticking to it. ;c)~
And not knowing who your father is isn't a bad thing, I've heard that cat fathers really aren't all that and your mother wasn't a whore, your father was a Tom Cat.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.

March 19, 2009 at 8:39 AM  
Blogger Terri said...

That was inspired! Thanks for all the laughs.

March 19, 2009 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

That's got to be Nikki!

Insane and freckled? Spot on! ;)

March 19, 2009 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

The Waltons...?....

March 19, 2009 at 9:11 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Nikki may at least need her won twitter, if not a blog.

March 19, 2009 at 9:17 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

I would expect no less from Nickinka.

March 19, 2009 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger Mari said...

Nicki- send help. I am prizoner in mountain house. No tuna heer. -Flash

March 19, 2009 at 10:17 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

Nikki. Feel your pain. We are surrounded by the insane. Cant blog long, the people have issues with our slobber on toeh keyboard. Must hide all evidence.
Suggest you try being cute for tuna. It works.
Rufus.

March 19, 2009 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Kittens, puppies and babies are often "IT." So was Cousin Itt. Don't be offended. It just means humans aren't as smart as they think they are.

March 19, 2009 at 10:50 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

#1. i have informed PETA about this matter of forced labor (i.e. making your slave/cat blog for the amusement of humans).
#2. PBS ran a show about how kittens are supposed to be "color coded" to match them up with their potential adopters, who must also take test (extrovert? introvert? child-friendly? aloof? likes taking long walks along the beach? - it's very complicated). it sounds like the shelter you visited completely ignored these standards. I would report this to PETA as well, but they firmly oppose these concentration camps.

March 19, 2009 at 10:52 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

That cat's going to kill you in your sleep. Seriously. Protect your soft spots.

March 19, 2009 at 10:56 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

your cat is funny. you should let her guest post once a week.

March 19, 2009 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger derfina said...

Concise.

To point.

Good kitteh.

March 19, 2009 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Please have Nicki start her own blog. Please have Nicki start her own blog. Pretty Pleeeaaassee!!! That is all. :)

March 19, 2009 at 2:10 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I knew it!
I just knew Marinka doesn't write her own posts!

It was Nicki all along...

March 19, 2009 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Dear Nicki,

Could be worse. I am Domestic Goddess's dog. She expects me to be cute on demand. I am sunning on patio, she throw dirty plastic ball and expects me to be thrilled about getting it in my mouth and bringing it back. If you wanted it with you, quit throwing it, BITCH!

Life sucks,
Bentley

March 19, 2009 at 2:53 PM  
Blogger A Woman Of No Importance said...

Nikki, the Freckled One is not insane, no, that is the drinka - Vodka, in factinka!

Stick with them, dear feline, for being in there is far safer than the streets outside! And, for emergencies, you still have that cyanide pill stuffed up inside your canine, er feline tooth, non?! Non! Oh dearinka!

March 19, 2009 at 3:49 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I smell book deal...

March 19, 2009 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

I read "euthenasia" rather than "enthusiastic"

March 19, 2009 at 6:40 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Can freckle face go in the litter box????

I think not!!!

Here's to you, Nicki!

March 19, 2009 at 8:15 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Wow, the cat is a better blogger than I am. Now my self-esteem is shot.

March 19, 2009 at 9:33 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

I would love to read a post on what Nicki thinks about being named after a woman suspected of being a sociopath...of course your Nicki doesn't have to worry about sneaking birth control pills since she doesn't have a uterus anymore.

March 19, 2009 at 9:36 PM  
Blogger Jeanne said...

That cat's a genius!

March 19, 2009 at 9:37 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Nicki, please remember it was me who always supported your adoption and encouraged Marinka to get a cat.

Oops.

Forget I said that. It wasn't me.

March 19, 2009 at 9:45 PM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

I can't wait to read about your first hairball!

March 19, 2009 at 10:03 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

You are, quite possbibly, evil.

I admire you for this. But I wouldn't let my kids hang at your house.

Oh yea, I don't have kids.

I'ts hard to be a fan and grapple with the fact that I want to punch you whle simultaneously adoring you.

March 19, 2009 at 10:12 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

Ha ha. My immigrant mother would love you too. Flat out.

The two of you would be lunching in the city in no time.

At one point, you would tire of the dog show. That means her tiny Maltese jumps in and out of her purse on command.

She cuold not, similarily, train her children.

March 19, 2009 at 10:21 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

put ear downs, lift ears up b/c they find the other way adorable.

Again, hilarious. Can I have ten of your funny IQ points?

March 20, 2009 at 3:19 PM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Your cat is a genius. Get her on Oprah, now.

March 20, 2009 at 9:15 PM  
Blogger ella said...

Why is your cat smarter than my cat?
My cat can't even type worth shit.

March 21, 2009 at 2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's good! luxury watch?
wrist watches?

March 25, 2009 at 7:39 AM  

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