Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Birth Story

A few months ago, my best blog friend Stacey posted her son's birth story and asked her readers for theirs. Birth stories, not children. I think.

I'm still not ready to post mine (I hope that the blog world can live with this devastating news), but there are two things that I will never forget about the birth of my daughter. Well, three, if you count the whole miracle of birth, getting to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time thing. But besides that, two. And I will share them with you for free right now and may they serve as a guide forever, amen.

ONE: When you have a c-section, and are lying there and feel all sorts of tugging and pulling, one thing you don't want to hear is "ok, now let's put everything back in her," from the mechanic, I mean, the doctor. Because shouldn't they teach them that their patients can hear them in, you know, medical school? And it sort of grosses the patient out to think of her internals being on the little night table there.

SECOND: When your mother comes to the hospital and tries to entice you to do the nurse-mandated post-C-section walking by saying, "hey, why don't you walk over to the scales to weigh yourself, I bet you lost tons of weight since you had the baby!" and you waddle over to the scale and realize that you weigh five pounds more than you did before you delivered the baby, it really would behoove everyone within screaming distance to say, "the scale must be broken" as opposed to the apparently popular, "I hope they didn't leave any metal instruments in your uterus!"

Thank you.

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26 Comments:

Blogger Vodka Mom said...

When they say, "Can you feel that?" and you CAN, MAKE THEM STOP!" (yeah, I had three damn c-sections. good times....)

October 8, 2008 at 6:21 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

You crack me up.

A dear friend of mine called me at 4am when his son was born to describe in great detail exactly what they did with all those internal organs. When I tried to shut him up he said "but why? when you have a car, don't you want to know how it works?" Umm, first of all, NO, and second of all, WOMEN ARE NOT CARS! Aaaaaahhh.

I delicately refrained from sharing my own birth stories over there - I could scare a woman into celibacy - collapsing hospital beds, unwanted epidurals that ended up accidentally RIPPED OUT, birth in the back seat of the car in the hospital parking lot, I've got great stories... (Actually, I'm usually happy to tell them (they're hysterically funny) but they're long and convoluted so I've never actually written them out.)

October 8, 2008 at 7:20 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I remember calling my father in law mean during the "guess how big this baby will be game" for saying he thought the baby was 8 lbs 8 ozs. He ended up being 9 lbs 9 ozs.

I remember telling my second nurse that I thought my first nurse (who I went to high school with) may have had a nose job. I blame the drugs for loosening my tongue.

And I remember my Dr. dubbing my child "Bruno."

I can't post a birth story because I don't remember much more than that of the pre-stuff and the post stuff was so irritating that I'm still mad about some of it.

October 8, 2008 at 8:12 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Hey, do you set off the metal detectors at the airport since your daughter was born?? I just started reading your blog recently, after seeing some of your smart ass comments on Twitter, but you're such a riot I left you a little gift on my blog.

October 8, 2008 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I had to have a c-section the second time around with my twins. It was very creepy lying there feeling my legs disappear, knowing that I was totally naked and several strange men were wandering around me talking about basketball (or baseball - not sure - I'm not really into sports). At one point during their "prep," I pulled the oxygen mask off my face, grabbed the closest nurse and stage whispered, "I just have to tell someone - I'm REALLY SCARED." It didn't stop the sports-related trash talking, but I did hear her tell my husband that I needed him to come hold my hand.

I had a spinal block - so I didn't feel anything at all (which freaked me out almost as much as the surgery - it was like I had no body from my chest down). But Chris accidentally saw the part of the surgery where the intern was inspecting my uterus (you know - OUTSIDE of my body) and he almost fainted. So that was exciting.

But listen to me - I'm already writing the post I was going to do for tomorrow! It's the twins' birthday and I was going to tell the story about how they entered the world two years ago (there are defnitely a few highlights - including an inconvenient time for my water to break...)

But on an unrelated note - since I've decided to highjack your comments section... I have a couple of questions for you. First, WHY have you not commented on my post from yesterday (I'm giving away a gorgeous clutch from Bee Gee Bags - and of course, if you did comment and I missed it, well - sorry). Second - what was that program that you used to do a random drawing? I know you did one recently... If so, please e-mail me the link (k8hood@gmail.com).

Third bonus question about c-sections: How often do you talk about yours? Your children are older than mind, so I'm wondering - do you always want to stop people on the street to talk about how your husband almost fainted when he saw your uterus - or does that eventually fade? (Or is that just me?)

Thanks!

October 8, 2008 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger Jess said...

I had three c-sections. After my first, I remember getting weighed after they forced me to walk. I thought I'd have lost at least 8lbs, 4 oz, my son's birth weight. Nope, I'd gained a couple pounds. 15 years later I still do not understand that phenom.

October 8, 2008 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Mayberry said...

After the baby was out during my first c-section, my doctor kept yelling that my uterus was "boggy! It's boggy!" WTF? I didn't know whether to be scared or insulted or maybe even flattered.

October 8, 2008 at 10:39 AM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Never, ever watch one of the medical shows where they perform a c-section. I'm a guy and I will never be the same now. I miss my innocence.

October 8, 2008 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Wait, what was that about c-sections and the miracle of birth, blah, blah, etc.?? I floated up into the clouds in a happy bubble after the first sentence.

Seriously, I'm laughing and very glad I haven't had a c-section, I like my organs where they are. You are a brave girl. Also, that scale was totally broken.

And to Kate - I would tell anyone who would listen my birth stories, in brutal detail, without pausing for breath. Normal. Completely.

October 8, 2008 at 11:53 AM  
Anonymous nissa said...

Marinka, I have no story... well, mine is boring so I won't share. I just want to tell you that I loooove your blog! Yes, that is shameless flattery and even though it will get me nowhere (wait, do you have prizes? just kidding) I thought you should know that I have taken to being certain that I have no coffee in my mouth while I am reading... because I will spit it out with laughter every time!

Thx for keeping a little ole Oregon girl entertained with talk about life in the big city. Well, and with talk about Pokemon. And turnips. :)

October 8, 2008 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

VodkaMom--You could feel it? THUD.

Robin--of course now I want to hear your birth story!

Kristine--the snippets that you've shared so far are hysterical. Oh, are we not supposed to say "snippets" in reference to C-sections?

Cindy--yes about metal detectors, but that's just because I travel with my own sword. Thanks for the award. Does it get revoked if that posthumous poster claims it?!

Kate--of course I tell everyone my birth story. I tell my kids, too. My son already told me that he's glad that he's not a girl so that he doesn't have to endure it.

Jess--I think our bodies become more muscular after labor, so we weigh more?

Mayberry--I always thought that you had a very boggy uterus. I mean that in the best possible way.

Heinous--that seems like sound advice.

Anymommy-Thanks, I am very brave. And beautiful. And modest.

Nissa--Thank you--if I had prizes, you'd get them all. Unless someone else compliments me, in which case you'd get some. Or none, depending on the compliments.

October 8, 2008 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Ditto here... thanks for keeping this Detroiter entertained in her cubicle while she is supposed to be writing boring computer code.

October 8, 2008 at 12:39 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I laugh because I'm not the only one wondering how the hell I'd GAINED weight after delivery. Still unsure on that one.

October 8, 2008 at 3:29 PM  
Blogger WA said...

Well, if that's just a taste of your birth stories, I can't WAIT for the full one.

October 8, 2008 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger Nilsa S. said...

Oh dear! My fiance is a nurse in an operating room. And while he doesn't deal with birthing rooms, they are always counting instruments to make sure nothing is left inside the patient. Clearly, it's a very real concern.

October 8, 2008 at 4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Birth stories? How about death stories? Here's one: the person most closest to me died today. Nice and happy, eh? I think this is a good comment for a lurker to leave. I guess that's what one does when doesn't know what to do. Enjoy. Too bad it's lacking acrimony. Oh yes, let me be a bit of a misanthropist for a bit. I hate reading happy things, and I hate how there's no justice whatsoever. Striving towards it is completely useless, Socrates would disagree but who the hell cares about him anyway? Eh. I'm done with this. Don't bother asking for lurkers to leave you comments. This shall be my last one.

October 8, 2008 at 7:31 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Anonymous-I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had the words.

October 8, 2008 at 8:09 PM  
Blogger Madge said...

my doctor came up to my head and said,"are you sure you want me to tie your tubes?" YES! a hundred times YES!!

October 8, 2008 at 9:05 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

They really know how to make you feel good in those hospitals, don't they?

October 8, 2008 at 9:44 PM  
Anonymous P.K. said...

You know you've delivered a big baby when the nurse says, "Oh honey, I hope you didn't buy any newborn-sized clothes!"

October 8, 2008 at 10:10 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I'm pretty sure the whole tugging thing would have caused me to lose it. I'm not sure what the better route is though. After 19 hours, I calmly told the doctor to get my son "the hell out of me". I'm proud to report, I wasn't quite such a fool the second time around.
PS...I weighed more after too! Why? Why? Why?

October 9, 2008 at 1:01 AM  
Blogger binks said...

Trust me, having a 10 pound watermelon ripped from your va-jay-jay, with tongs made for Andre the Giant, was no walk in the park, either.

October 9, 2008 at 2:45 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

My birth story is an utter nightmare and when I say 'NIGHTMARE" I mean I'm lucky my daughter was born alive. Sounds dramatic? It was. When I told to the other moms that took a "birth" class with me at the hospital prior to all of our kids being born their mouths just hung open.

October 10, 2008 at 12:20 AM  
Anonymous Lawyer Mom said...

I had to have a C under GENERAL anesthesia. Long story. The docs are used to people w/epidurals who can't feel anything when they pour freezing-cold betadine all over your stomach. But since I was getting general anesthesia, I could feel everything until the very last second. I remember was cursing a blue streak and saying, "is there no hot water anywhere in this hospital?" and then telling the certified nurse anesthetist that I wasn't totally OUT and not to intubate me yet. When I woke up, the nurse handed me a polaroid of my son, told me he was just fine, and then asked, "so, do you feel like a mother?" I said, "Well, I feel some mother-f-cking pain." It's best for me not to dwell on these little details. But when I just can't help myself, Monty Python gets me over the hump.

October 11, 2008 at 12:38 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Oh Lord, funny and terrifying.

And yes, that scale was broken.

October 13, 2008 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger Z said...

Bwahaha - and very appropriate for today, as my friend just had her baby girl (by C-section)! :)

October 13, 2008 at 7:50 PM  

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