Things That I've Wished That I Could Have Payarized People To Have Did For Me
Here's my list of ten things that I wish other people would do in my place.
1. Pee. Before you start polishing up your resume, I should explain. This applies post-childbirth only. After I had my c-section and settled in comfortably with a morphine IV (seriously, could they call it something less dramatic than morphine? Because that conjures up images of war wounds and I tend to pass out when a hangnail goes chronic) and innocently asked the nurse, "hey, where's the bedpan? And does it come in blue, because that would match both my eyes and my veins and I will also see if the pee will turn it green, I'm sort of a color scientist, if you will" and the nurse said, "no, you need to get up to use the bathroom. It's good for you to walk." And I said, "can I have a sane nurse, please? I'll wait right here." And she said, "After surgery, you need to move." And I said, "security please." And she said something that wasn't necessarily in English but from her head shaking, I inferred that she agreed with me and greatly admired my wisdom. If I had someone to pee for me, problem solved!
2. Overhear other people's cell phone conversations: I'm sure somewhere out there is a soul having a very profound conversation on her cell phone, but apparently she has gone to great length to insure that she is not within my earshot.
3. Listen to jazz. I hope that I don't have to explain this one.
4. Listen to people discuss the pros and cons of taking a certain route somewhere, accounting for traffic possibilities, weather and planetary alignment. Maybe it's because I don't drive, or maybe it's because I'm not out of my freaking mind, but I cannot stand it when people start debating the merits of the Long Island Expressway versus the New York State Thruway. And yes, I know that these two highways go in completely different directions, but since I tend to slip into a mild coma as soon as I suspect that traffic is the topic, I cannot come up with a better example. Sorry.
5. Talk to that automated voice on customer service helplines. If I am ever led away in a straight jacket, don't worry! It's just because I was trying to fix my cable connection with one of those automated help lines, where "help" is obvious code for "torture". For some reason, my screaming, "Fuck you, I want a real person!" always gets the calm response of "you have a billing inquiry, is that right?"
6. Look at the illiterate cat website. Every once in a while, someone, for no reason that they are able to articulate, will link to the website that has "cute" cats with something illiterate written as the caption. Something like "I canz imbecilzzz" Do you know this website? Because I'm sorry, I am not linking to it. It's horrific. Apparently, it's written in a semi-literate way because that's how cats "talk". There are many things that are wrong with this, not the least of which is that it gives me seizures.
7. Speaking of seizures, editing Jane Seymour out of all TV and print media. The actress, not Henry the VIII's wife. Although was never a huge fan of Mrs. the Eighth's, either. By the way, isn't it weird that there are two actresses with the same names as Henry VIII's wives? That guy was really ahead of his time! (Isn't this blog educational? You could almost home school your kids with it!)
I can't put my finger on why Jane Seymour elicits such a strong reaction from me, but I think it started when she did that commercial for a perfume in the 80s, where she looked at the camera and said in a whorusky voice, "some people say romance is back in style. I say it never went out."
Ok, does that make sense? Who the hell are these people who thought, "hey, great news! Romance is back in style!" I realize that she probably didn't write herself, but what am I supposed to do--hate anonymous ad people who are now probably writing for the illiterate cat website? What kind of sicko do you think I am?
8. Man fur avoider. Have you ever seen a man in a full length fur coat? If not, please go look and then once you've recovered the power of speech, get back to me with any questions. My man fur spotting assistant would avert my eyes from the offender.
9. Greeting negotiator to explain to people that I meet for the first time that I don't like to kiss, hug or have unsafe sex . Eye contact is ok, unless someone is wearing Hello Kitty contact lenses, and in that case, avert your eyes please. Also, if someone has a limp handshake, just wave to me, ok? On the other hand, too firm a handshake can be ouchy and obnoxious. Certainly the greeter will have a fine line to walk, but fortunately my greeting negotiator will be available to train and oversee.
10. Pee, part deux Ok, I know that I said that this applies to post-childbirth only, but I just remembered that sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I have to pee, but I'm also too tired to get up and pee. And sometimes, I'll poke Husbandrinka and ask him to go pee for me and for some strange reason he won't. So clearly someone else will have to do it for me.
I think I'll need to hire someone to find an intern for me to do all this stuff for free. Because I'm not sure how people expect me to pay for all this stuff.
Labels: Universe Against Marinka