Marinkunt

So, this is where I am in my life. All things being equal, I'd rather be called "cunt" than "sweetheart". Not by my husband or a anything, although if he started to suddenly call me "sweetheart," I'd be really suspicious, unless he did it in this Humphrey Bogard lisp-thing, but even then, I'd start asking questions about why suddenly he's calling me "sweetheart" when never before had it occurred to him to call me that and that may really annoy him and if here were more John McCainlike, he may call me "cunt". Of course if he ever knew that I referred to him, even in the subjunctive as John McCainlike, he would call me a lot worse than "cunt," which according to my equation would be "sweetheart," but that is where my reasoning has a fatal flaw. Or at least a flaw that puts my reasoning in intensive care. With a DNR sign slapped across it.

Anyway. Last month, a colleague called me "sweetheart" in a professional setting. And I found it really annoying. It smacked of, "get me a cup of coffee," even though we were speaking on the phone. And just like that, I had no response. What was I supposed to do, call him "honey bunny"? Generally I don't like things that leave me speechless and what I hate about "sweetheart" is that it is so passive aggressive. We were not discussing our weekend plans and he was not expressing affection towards me. He was putting me in my place. He was reminding me that he's been doing this longer than I have. After we'd hung up, I thought that I must be a fucking weirdo because the word "cunt" has never bothered me, but sweetheart, honey, dear, darling, all those Hallmarked words are like nails on my soul.

I know that as a woman and as a feminist, as a mother and as an avid TV watcher (what? I can't throw that in?) I am supposed to be offended by "cunt" to my very core. I am supposed to call it the c-word, in some nod to the atrocity that is the n-word. But I can't do it. I have no need for it. But I may start calling sweetheart the s-word.