Friday, August 8, 2008

Not So Fun Mom

Know when my kids will refer to me as "Fun Mom"? On opposite days and only then. Well, maybe if they spend some time at Gitmo, I'll seem more fun in comparison, but I can't make any promises.

Here is the list of reasons why I am very unfun. Let me know if you need any further proof.

1. I will never let my kids go to an amusement park. You know how sometimes you hear about a horrific accident when someone loses a limb or a head on the Twister or the Decapitator? Honestly, I don't understand why that makes the news, because I assume that this is what goes on daily at those places.

2. I will not let my kids have a pet snake, hamster, or anything else that can escape from its cage and make me never sleep again. That includes tigers and lions. Oh and by the way? I know I can't be the only person who totally expected Christian the Lion to tear those two guys to shreds. Maybe next time.

3. I won't let my kids get a bunk bed. Seriously, who thinks of this crap? Emergency room surgeons, is my guess.

4. I won't let my daughter wear anything with JUICY scrawled across the ass. Or DeLiteFul. Because I am a prude in the first instance and like the English language in the second.

5. I can't bring myself to text "u" for "you" and other abbreviations. The only one I will do is "K8" for "Kate".

6. My 7 year old still hasn't seen Star Wars because I'm worried that it is too violent. Most of his friends have seen it at 3. I'm sure that he is planning to take them all out.

7. The answer to my kids' pleas of "When can we have a TV in our room?" is "Never."

8. I interrupt precious Wii playing time on playdates to ask visiting friends what they are reading. They almost never answer.

9. Now that our dishwasher is broken, or is taking a well-negotiated break, I make my kids wash their own dishes. This is really unfair, because as my son explained, he has waffles for breakfast and therefore has to scrub the syrup off the plate, whereas my daughter has cereal and only has to rinse her bowl. I suspect that he's looking into one of those disposable astronaut breakfast deals.

10. I let them have Doritos and chips only on "special occasions". Special occasions include when I'm having some and am confronted with hypocracy (ok, I tried every single spelling of that fucking word and the red squiggly like still appears underneath it--how do you spell it? Hippocrasy? Hipokrasy? Hyppocrasie?), when I am too lazy too cook dinner and when the Messiah arrives. Just kidding, when I'm too lazy to cook dinner, we order out.


Blogger Alice said...

I don't think I'll ever get bunk beds. My daughter has hurt herself more often on OTHER PEOPLE's bunks when we visit. She climbs much too much to ever get them.

August 8, 2008 at 9:36 AM  
Blogger Z said...

Hypocrisy. Right? No red line. Right.

And, yeah, you are totally un-fun. Sheesh with this whole "safety" and "responsibility" and "learning" thing ... SO UNFAIR.


August 8, 2008 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...

#2 Amen sister. I can't wait to take our damn tad poles back to school. Is summer over yet?

#3 Bunk beds scare the heck out of me. My kids can't understand why I never let them go to their friend F's house. She has bunk beds AND a trampoline in the backyard. That's an ER visit waiting to happen.

#4 Amen sister

#5 I can use @

#6 Amen sister


August 8, 2008 at 10:43 AM  
Anonymous Wendy said...

Hmm. Are you MY mother? Because you sure sound like her! Except that we had bunk beds, because I suspect she was trying to kill me.

Oh and she's not young and beautiful :wink:.

August 8, 2008 at 11:27 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Alice--at least your daughter got a taste of bunkbed's at other people's--you're already more fun than I am!

Z-spelling show-off!

Mama Ginger--yes! a fellow unfunmate!

Wendy--yes, I'm your mother. Go to your room.

August 8, 2008 at 12:19 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

OH, those are the criteria. Well that explains why I am the second most unfun mom in the universe (behind you of course).

I just noticed your tweet about showing your face over there in your sidebar. I'm so glad that as usual I have no plans for Friday night!

August 8, 2008 at 3:19 PM  
Blogger binks said...

#2 I say no to all pets, I had to take the cats, they came with the husband.
#3 Had to get rid of the bunks because I kept hitting my head.
#5 It gets easier when you have to text your kid a 12 page letter
#7 Don't do it
#8 That is just sad
# 9 & 10 Wow - you really are a mean and unfun mom. I think doritos is the only thing my son will eat.
BTW- let me know when the Messiah comes, I have a few things to discuss with him. ;)

August 8, 2008 at 7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am totally with you on 2, 5, 6, and 7. Oh, and 10. Although with Disneyland only about an hour and a half away, I'd have one heck of a time enforcing number 1.

But I thank you...because when my kids complain that someone else's mom lets them do whatever it is that I'm forbidding, I can say, "Well, I know someone who doesn't let her kids go to amusement parks. So you can whatever it is that your friend is doing, but in exchange we're never going to Disneyland again."

August 9, 2008 at 12:47 AM  
Anonymous MomMega said...

Oh, I agree with soooo many things on here (well, everything really)!! In regards to the no amusement park thing, I am saying no to water parks. The thought of all that bacteria floating in the water? *shudder*

My kid will probably totally dislike me because I will be so unfun as well...

August 9, 2008 at 1:46 AM  
Anonymous Nissa said...

Marinka, I love your blog! I don't think I've ever left a comment but this post just killed me. My ambition in life is to be The Unfun Mom. Or maybe The Most Unfun Mom if there is such a competition? I am highly competitive so that would be good.

I adore the TV (yeah, kill me now) but #7 is sooo true. The only alternative to never is two weeks from never.

If you are Unfun Mom at least you are Funny Mom to the rest of us. : )

August 9, 2008 at 2:53 AM  
Blogger WA said...

You are hilarious.
And trust me, life would be much easier if we were White Trash mamas who let our kids run around in diapers drinking Pepsi out of baby bottles. But then again, not everyone can be Britney Spears. (ba dump bump)

August 9, 2008 at 12:02 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I had bunk beds...4 years after I asked for them. At which point...kind of lame.

August 11, 2008 at 6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm equally unfun by design. My mom was unfun...may be genetic.
#2 We have 2 dogs that I liked before I was a mom and when I actually WAS fun. Now... let's just say I count their days.
#4 I have this fear that when my boys are teenagers the brand will have a male line with Juicy across the crotch. NOT ALLOWED.
#5 I can't text "2" as in "2nite", "u" for "you" or "lol" or any "lol" derivatives. OMG is a fav however.
#7 Hell no. And double for computers.

August 11, 2008 at 10:35 PM  

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