Monday, October 13, 2008

Not Alice's Restaurant

Approximately twelve years ago, Husbandrinka and I almost got a divorce. I am convinced that the only thing that stood in our way was the fact that we were not yet married. We are traditional like that—we believe that there is a natural order to things and we have enough restraint not to get a divorce until we are legally wed. We are people of faith and have strong family values.

Specifically, the period of our discontent came when we were choosing our wedding song. Coincidentally around this period, I started thinking that it would be best if we were “just friends”. Preferably ones who lived on different continents and exchanged mis-addressed holiday cards. For our wedding song, I wanted something along the lines of the Osmonds’ “I’m a Little Bit Country, I’m a little bit rock-n-roll”, but the version where Donny takes the country route and Marie does rock and roll. NearlyExFianceinka immediately refused, with a “it’s a wedding, not a freak show” slam. Then he said that he would not agree to anything Tom Petty because he couldn’t stand him nor anything Celine Dion or any other wailer. I don’t remember what he did in fact want, but for arguments’ sake, let’s say that it was “Alice’s Restaurant.”

I just mentioned this post and “Alice’s Restaurant” to Husbandrinka and he called it “pure fabrication” on my part. I suggested that he use his blog to rebut my version. He said that if he were to rebut all my versions, he would need to quit his job and I told him to leave the humor to me. Then he repeated “humor” and put air quotes around the word and then I had to explain that I was using “Alice’s Restaurant” not literally but as an example to plant a hint about his sanity without actually making a libelous allegation. He pretended to be really focused on something that he was reading.

Anyway, we finally agreed on a song, but it was a torturous process, made particularly difficult because it came on the heels of my coronary crisis. The coronary crisis consisted of my having sharp chest pains every time I went to my wedding dress fitting and included chest xrays, EKGs and my researching potential heart donors for an immediate transplant. You guys are lucky that I wasn’t blogging back then, because instead of that Poll over there asking what blog topic would you like me to focus on, I’d have a poll up asking for your blood type and how you felt about lifesaving heroism. The fact that there appeared to be nothing wrong with my heart according to the “doctors” did not deter me, because I fully believe that I know my body better than any medical professional and I was fairly certain that I was having a heart attack, or maybe a stroke, whichever one of those comes solely at dress fittings. It was not until my therapist suggested to me that we explore the possibility of an anxiety attack brought on by making a lifelong commitment to a man while I was so young and the possibility that it was, like all marriages, a huge mistake, that I started to breathe easier. My pre-husband, on the other hand, became mildly outraged. “A mistake?” he said. “And so young? You’re thirty. I’m rescuing you from spinsterhood!” Aren’t you glad that he doesn’t have his own blog? And that you trust my version of events completely?

As I often tell Husbandrinka, next time I get married, I’m eloping. And you know what he had the nerve to say to me? “Me too.” Can you believe it? What kind of man talks to his wife like that?!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your man, that's the kind. lol. How can you not laugh when you have those kind of conversations with your spouse?! And by the way the little bit in your welcome area, I thought you were talking about an x rated pearl necklace. Thank you for clarifying. :)

October 13, 2008 at 6:52 PM  
Blogger LTYM said...

My husband kept saying he wanted our wedding song to be "Funky Cold Medina".
And during my wedding prep, I developed TMJ from stress. Made for a fun honeymoon.

October 13, 2008 at 7:19 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

So what song did you end up with?

October 13, 2008 at 9:51 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'd take "Alice's Restaurant" over Osmonds any day. You two should elope together. I think you would have a good time.

October 13, 2008 at 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hil-ar-ious. Really, I am laughing out loud here! I think I may have married the west coast version of Husbandrinka. Since I am Irish/Italian I guess mine is named O'Husbandrelli. p.s. I adore the new "welcome" message. :)

October 13, 2008 at 10:40 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I have nothing witty to say about this post. You know how I feel about Husbandrinka though.

I was just thinking... you should get your friend John to do a guest post. Or maybe you could interview him. He sounds like he might be funny. Maybe you could elope with John.

October 13, 2008 at 11:08 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

Ha! My husband reads my blog too and "corrects" me. This from a man who actually suggested something by the Scorpions for our wedding song. COME ON!! Men...

October 13, 2008 at 11:10 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

I think the Osmond song would have been funny as hell!

He doesn't like Tom Petty?? why did you marry a communist?


October 13, 2008 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Wait. Now I really think Husbandrinka and AnyDaddy are related somehow. We have these same fights. The accuracy of my blog posts about him have become central to our marital strife. I am still bitter about the 'compromise' song at our wedding.

Does he mock you when you mention your internet friends. That's when I get the air quotes. Oh, (airquotes) you're friends.

October 14, 2008 at 1:52 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

I did elope. It's probably best saved for your second wedding because it takes years for your mother in law to believe that you are actually married even after she demanded a copy of the marriage license and still tells everyone that your first child isn't really her grandchild. Because you weren't really married. Even when it's been 14 years.

Or maybe that's just me.

October 14, 2008 at 7:17 AM  
Blogger Nilsa S. said...

Maybe it's because you've got that "humor" thing down. Or maybe it's because I'm going out of my mind (hello wedding in four days!), but this post was HILARIOUS. Thank you. I needed that laugh.

October 14, 2008 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I love that you even mentioned Donny and Marie...laughed so hard at this post! you're awesome! lol!

October 14, 2008 at 5:19 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

This is great! Doesn't it boil your blood when the husband doesn't remember things the same way we do, or at least w/ the proper amount of emphasis? Ugh.

Our wedding song was Billy Joel's "You're My Home."

October 14, 2008 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I’m a Little Bit Country, I’m a little bit rock-n-roll” is a brilliant wedding song. I wish I had come up with something half as cool.

October 14, 2008 at 11:40 PM  

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