Sunday, October 12, 2008

Emotional Pajamas

I accidentally published a draft of this post last week, for about thirty seconds. But apparently, it registered in people's readers and they were forced to read it. Sorry! Perhaps you assumed that I was out of my mind. I hope that the complete version of the post removes all doubt.


Before my dog died, we had to walk her. Now that she's dead, not so much.

But she was my dog, I brought her to the marriage, so it was technically my responsibility. But me being me, I quickly tried to get around that technicality.

Fortunately, I got pregnant almost as soon as the ring was on my finger, so I had that to milk for a while. Then, I was saddled with the joys of motherhood.

We worked out a routine--I took the dog out in the mornings and as soon as I got home from work. One of us would take her out before we went to bed.

This, to me, was unfair.

Every day, I had to walk her a minimum of two times, sometimes three.

Husbandrinka only had to walk her once a day at the most.

It's like he wanted me barefoot and pregnant and not allowed to vote or something. I could not live in that kind of mysoginistic state.

So, I devised a plan.

My plan consisted of being ready for bed before Husandrinka even considered going to sleep so that he'd be forced to walk the dog.

Often, by the time he got home at 7:30, I was already in my pajamas. "I'd love to walk the dog," I'd tell him, adjusting my night cap, "but I am already dressed for bed."

"Why are you in your pajamas before 8?" He would ask, with an inappropriate and mildly offensive tinge of suspicion in his voice.

"I like to be prepared," I'd say, fluffing up my favorite sleep toy. "See you in the morning!"

This worked for a while, but my plan wasn't full-proof. Mostly because sometimes there were things that I wanted to do after I got home, that required me to be dressed in clothes that were not pajamas. Like taking out the garbage. Or going to the store for emergency Haagen Dasz. Or modeling an outfit in front of a full length mirror and giving mock interviews about how offended I was that just because I was a supermodel, people assumed that I was dumb.

And that's how "emotional pajamas" came into play.

Because I would come home and telephone Husbandrinka.

"I'm home already," I'd announce. "In my emotional pajamas."

"What the hell are emotional pajamas?" he'd blasphemy.

"I am not literally in pajamas, but emotionally, I am." I explained. And he understood. And shockingly he respected the emotional pajamas. Because who can argue against it, really? To do so, would be to call me lazy, and I think we all know that that wouldn't end well.

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19 Comments:

Blogger binks said...

Damn - I had no Husbandrinka to rely on and was always walking the dog at 3 am.
This, of course, was before blogging.

October 12, 2008 at 3:30 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I love this post. I keep my emotional pajamas in my very large purse.

October 12, 2008 at 7:37 AM  
Blogger Mama Ginger Tree said...

I love emotional pajamas. I am so going to use that one on Mr. Mint. You are brilliant.

October 12, 2008 at 11:30 AM  
Anonymous Jos said...

you are hilarious.
I really wish I'd thought of this tactic back when we had 2 ridiculously energetic & needy dogs to take care of. although now that I think about it, perhaps it was being used on me instead. oh dear...

October 12, 2008 at 1:59 PM  
Blogger binks said...

ps - you've been tagged.

Your welcome - just completing the circle.

October 12, 2008 at 2:01 PM  
Anonymous sdl said...

I also love emotional pajamas, and will have to get Mr. SDL to read this post so he will understand what I mean when I say I am wearing them. Well....he still won't exactly understand what I mean, but this way I can make him think he OUGHT to understand.

October 12, 2008 at 6:39 PM  
Blogger PsychMamma said...

Emotional pajamas are a stroke of brilliance. Do you wear them for things other than dog walking? Because I think you could stretch their use for other chores, like taking out the trash, etc.

I think that might be a lot of new emotional pajama wearers being birthed from this site. Add me to the list. :-)

October 12, 2008 at 7:15 PM  
Blogger Heinous said...

Gotta make sure my wife never reads this.

October 12, 2008 at 9:15 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I've always been an emotional pajamas girl. As opposed to the emotional negligee girls who were known for being "fast".

Seriously though - you have to patent this stuff! It's like you're creating a whole new language for women. Within two months we'll hear someone on Gossip Girl refer to emotional pajamas.

October 12, 2008 at 10:15 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

you just gave me hideous flashbacks to life with my dog... who we kindly shipped off to the suburbs so someone else could walk her.

October 12, 2008 at 10:20 PM  
Blogger Maura said...

My favorite line: fluffing up my favorite sleep toy -- but then, I kind of have a dirty mind. :-)

I can put my emotional pajamas on all I want, but it's not going to get me anywhere...so it's probably a good thing I have a cat and not a dog.

October 13, 2008 at 12:04 AM  
Blogger Smartass Milf said...

I love the idea of "emotional pajamas" and I am sooooo using this tonight!

October 13, 2008 at 9:55 AM  
Anonymous sofie said...

This is why I telecommuted for eight years: because nobody had the vocabulary you've created and the only way I could stay in my happy place was to wear actual pajamas. All day long.

Anyway, this is brilliant, but you must already know that. And since you're only in emotional pajamas, could you pop over with some of that Haagen Daaz? Cause I'm already in my sweats and slippers and need to eat some to celebrate your brilliance.

October 13, 2008 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger iMommy said...

Emotional pajamas -- brilliant!

I am so using that :-)

October 13, 2008 at 11:05 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I tagged you as well.

But being the superstar that you are, I am sure you will cope with two.

Please?

(I can't believe I am actually begging).

As for emotional pyjamas, that's cool, but am I the only one who caught the reference to a "favorite sleep toy"? My inquisitive antennae are raised. Please elaborate.

October 13, 2008 at 6:25 PM  
Blogger The Mad Hatress said...

We are actually about to get a family dog, and I have made sure he is aware that we will be splitting responsibility of said dog. Sleep toy you say? uhum....which would be?

October 13, 2008 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger Z said...

I need to get me a pair of these magical emotional pyjamas! As it is... my neighbors have seen me making a nightly "oops, the dogs gotta pee" run in my real pyjamas often enough...

October 13, 2008 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

I actually have a pair of emotional pajamas. But they are real pajamas that I wear when I'm feeling shitty. They have holes and stains and everything.

October 14, 2008 at 7:09 AM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I usually sleep in what I've worn all day-- and possibly into the next day. Yes, I've become my mother. Love the "emotional pajamas" idea.

October 14, 2008 at 6:44 PM  

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