Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm Worried About My Ass. Where "Ass" is Code for "Being Fat"

I'm not sure how it happened, but it looks like that after a year of sitting my ass, eating everything in sight and not exercising, I've gained some weight. I'm just as shocked as you are. I thought that things would be different with the Obama Administration, but apparently not. So much for change.

Papa called me three weeks ago and said, "We have to talk. I have important news. Let's meet for dinner." By the time that we finally met for dinner last week, I was on the verge of a nervous collapse, because I didn't know if he was going to tell me that (a) he is dying; (b) I am dying; (c) he is transitioning and will be soon Mama 2.0; (d) I am adopted and my birth parents would like to meet me and I will now have to spend all major holidays with them as well; (e) he ate the Lindbergh baby and would like me to facilitate the confession; or (f) he is a big Twilight fan.

Obviously each of these revelations is on a sliding scale of shock and horror, although of course in celebration of Pride, I would have to say that my papa transitioning would be the most welcome news of the bunch.

So we meet for dinner and papa says, "Our family has bad genes. My mother died of cardiac arrest, I have high blood pressure and you will too one day. If you keep gaining weight, it will make everything worse." So I, relief that he's not an EdwardCullenFanFirst pouring off me, said "I should lose weight, right?" and he says, "If you can hire someone to lose it for you, I have no problem with that." And then we had cocktails and dinner.

So that night, I decided that before I went to bed, I'd lift some weights as part of my new health regimen. For conditioning and shit. So I lifted my three pound hand weights ten times and then I was going to do some more, but suddenly became alarmed-- WHAT IF I BECOME TOO MUSCULAR? I mean, I don't want to get thrown out of BlogHer next month because I am supermuscular dude. Seriously. I haven't formally exercised in a year (give or take a decade) and I'm suddenly freaking out that after ten minutes with weights (four of them spent admiring myself in the mirror, holding them in pensive poses) I will resemble a steroid fiend. Weird.

But maybe there is something to it because this weekend I am going to a wedding and I decided to try on the sundress that I'd bought for the occasion. Well, the occasion was that it was on sale last January, but what is this, some kind of a clothes audit or something? Anyway, the first problem was that I couldn't get it zipped up. Part of it is my own fault because I was home with the kids and I couldn't bring myself to ask them to zip me. Because doesn't that just give you a really unpleasant image--young lanky kids trying to defy the laws of gravity and pulling the zipper on their mother's dress. So I did it. I zipped myself up, an exercise which in my case was most certainly aerobic and as I looked in the mirror preparing to beam, I was horrified to see that although the dress was fully zipped, it squished and pressed me in the most unflattering ways so that I now had flesh pouring out of the arm holes, and for some reason looked like I had four breasts. Although I'm sure that it would have made me a front runner for BewbFest '09-'13, it also made me mildly nauseated. Add to the whole thing that one of the ribs that I'd fractured self-stuffing into the fucking dress was now puncturing my lung and cutting off my oxygen supply and I quickly realized that I'd have to go get another dress.

This was not good news.

And maybe it was all caused by my weight lifting.

To be continued. Eventually.


Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Wear a cape like Lily Munster. It's kinda like a fashionable burka. Those Muslim women wear slinky and minimal designer pieces under their burkas, but you wouldn't wanna see 'em in them. They set the pace in how to wear a slinky dress and not show excess flesh that was squeezed and pressed into it.

Either that or rent a tux....

June 27, 2009 at 5:29 AM  
Blogger zelzee said...

It was definitely the weights!!!!

Same thing happened to me, and all I did was move them from one corner of the room to the other!! Now I'm paying the price........

June 27, 2009 at 6:53 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Wow! Those weights sound powerful. I'm in awe.

June 27, 2009 at 7:43 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

"If you can hire someone to lose it for you, I have no problem with that."

I mean seriously? You should make people pay you to meet your parents. I would pay a pretty penny for dinner with mama and papa.

June 27, 2009 at 7:47 AM  
Blogger K.Line said...

THis is so funny and enjoyable to read, I don't even know where to start. "Not having exercised in a year, give or take a decade" made me snort coffee. Your father's deadpan pragmatism amuses me no end.

But truly, I've been the girl trying to stuff myself into the dress and it's a bad moment. I feel your pain.

Note to self: Don't drown sorrows with cookies. Which is what I did.

June 27, 2009 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

Sundresses are tricky!
But as they told us in charm school, a friendly smile and being a good conversationalist makes a girl a very desirable guest at any social function.
And if you know how to tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue, the boys will clamor for your phone number! I have many party tips. Call me.

June 27, 2009 at 9:49 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Ohh I feel your pain - its seems clothes can shrink don't they? It was the weights they bulked up your arms and chest...This blog is in the same line as Heather's with the boobs and not fitting into your shirts...Its all a conspiracy that clothes are not meant to fit us whether it be jeans, bras, or dresses. Want exercise? Get a dog to go along with Nikki and run around trying to keep them separated and not killing each other - it works for me!

June 27, 2009 at 10:09 AM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

This whole losing weight thing is overrated. If I went back to my old "ideal" size then I would have to walk around wearing clothes from 2004 and nobody wants to do that do they? I am sure people would laugh and point.
So much better to maintain the status quo. At least, that's what I tell myself.

June 27, 2009 at 10:14 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Let me know who you hire to lose the weight for you. Maybe we can get a group discount.

June 27, 2009 at 10:22 AM  
Blogger TMCPhoto said...

I hate it when that happens. You should invest perhaps in smaller weights, baby steps, you don't want to go from square one to square ten, I think there are 1/2lb weights out there that you can start out with. Don't rush, you don't want to aggravate that cracked rib

June 27, 2009 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Your first paragraph totally had me - "so much for change" indeed.

Let me know when you find that person who will lose the weight for you. I need him/her, too.

June 27, 2009 at 11:30 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

It is so sad what our clothing does to us! But your post made me smile. And I agree, I'm all for the person I can pay to drop the poundage for me. Just send me his/her name AS soon as you find it!

June 27, 2009 at 12:15 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

Weight lifting has definitely been known to cause quadruple boobs.

June 27, 2009 at 12:27 PM  
Blogger Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) said...

He ate the Lindburgh baby??? Where do you come up with this stuff my friend???

June 27, 2009 at 12:35 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Better not start with the leg weights; that could be scary.

June 27, 2009 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

Oh man, if only it was possible to hire someone to lose someone else's weight.

How about giving cardio a try? Nevermind, forget that. Just drink a glass of red wine every day and occasionally take the stairs. I think you'll be fine.

June 27, 2009 at 1:19 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Quite honestly, I think you should consider that those weights did you a favor in buffing you out like that. Otherwise you might have worn LAST SUMMER's SUNDRESS STYLE to a party this summer because you *know* that a sundress on sale in January is not a sassy cheap preview of styles to come in July. I really think you have dodged a bullet here.

June 27, 2009 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Quadruple boobies = 4 times the pleasure.

June 27, 2009 at 3:04 PM  
Blogger Charmaine said...

Zippers are the sign of Satan.

Didn't anyone tell you that?

June 27, 2009 at 3:22 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

If you find someone to hire to lose weight for you, can I have their number?

June 27, 2009 at 4:51 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...


You are a very brave woman.

I forgot to say that yesterday.

Your bewb-fest photo ROCKS. I didn't realize you are still nursing!

June 27, 2009 at 7:19 PM  
Blogger Jeanne Estridge said...

Just wait until you grow a pair of bingo wings large enough to provide the glide ratio for a 747. The only thing worse for the mature body than exercising is having to look in the mirror if you don't.

June 27, 2009 at 9:39 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

By far one of your funniest posts. I think I've heard about people who lose weight for you...but it's not approved in the U.S. yet. You'd have to go to Europe to have it done. Or maybe it is approved here, but cheaper in Canada? You'll have to Google it...

June 28, 2009 at 10:32 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

So since I started work in April I've gained 4lb, WTF!

I need the name of the person that can lose weight for me.

June 28, 2009 at 10:56 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

I'm so disappointed. I thought the gentle parental guilt urgings about weight ended when you went to college, or got married, or moved to a different city to live on your own. Apparently they continue well into your child-bearing years. I'm so excited for my future. Tell your Papa my dad says hi from the land of Deep Concern. I'm pretty sure they have a timeshare there.

June 28, 2009 at 12:38 PM  
Blogger LouisianaSusan said...

lololol thanks for sending me the link to this! I can totally identify with this and you're hilarious. And I would love to meet your parents one day. (LorenzosLoofah)

June 28, 2009 at 5:56 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

I thought we had kids so that they would zip up our dresses. What else are they good for?

June 29, 2009 at 12:50 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I won't do the push-ups on the 30 day Shred b/c I don't want to have those ugly man boobs you see on women.

Also? I voted for #22 in the Bewbfest. You should too!

June 29, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

I totally blame age. I managed to gain very little weight during my pregnancy, then proceeded to move here after Stella was born and gain so much weight I weigh more now than when I was 9 months pregnant.

June 29, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

great, you have four breasts and mine two together barely make up one...

June 30, 2009 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger Liza said...

Shit, you mean that the Obama Administration is NOT going to make me miraculously lose weight? WTF? That was the only reason I voted! Well that and I wouldn't have to pay my mortgage or my bills ever again....... ;)

July 2, 2009 at 3:13 PM  

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