Monday, June 8, 2009

Fruit Salad Math

The other night Husbandrinka and I hosted a small dinner party and right away it went to shit because I asked him what he wanted me to make and he said "nothing, I got it" in a way that made me realize that he doesn't value my cooking and probably wants to divorce me or have me killed. So I offered to make a fruit salad because I recently learned how to slice pineapples and haven't been able to stop doing it and he said "fine." When people say "fine", they mean "If it'll shut you up", by the way.

So the dinner party is underway and my stepson is there, and my daughter tells him that when he moves in with us in August, she will clean his room for $5 and he jokes that he will start saving money and then my son says that if he doesn't pay him $10, he'll mess up his room. Somehow the conversation turns to extortion and how terrible the mafia is and I can't understand why everyone's so judgmental suddenly. Live and let live, I say. It's not like these people are hurting anyone.

Anyway, we finished eating the main course (description redacted because Husbandrinka prepared it and everyone complimented it) and I leap up and say "we will now have fruit salad!" and Husbandrinka looks at the fruit salad and says, "this isn't fruit salad, this is pineapple and strawberries." Seriously? Is there some kind of a newfangled constitutional amendment now that says that in order to be labeled a fruit salad it has to have a minimum of three fruit? Because I don't remember this part in high school math. So I defended my fruit salad verbally because I am a naturally nonviolent person (especially when there are witnesses) and he said "why don't you add cherries?"

Now I pride myself on my open-minded flexibility and Buddha like serenity, but I firmly believe that Husbandrinka is trying to make me insane so that he can enjoy a peaceful life with our children and multi-fruit fruit salad. Why my being insane would lead to this peaceful slice of heaven I'm not sure, you will have to ask him yourself.

Because who puts cherries in fruit salad? Is that convenient to eat? You'd have to spit out the cherry pits every five seconds.

So I protest and he says, "forget it, never mind" and as I go to get the two fruit salad, he says, "let's serve it later. After cake." If you ever make something for a dinner and the hosts say "let's serve it later. After cake", it means that your dish is wearing the gastronomic dunce cap. Which is exactly how my fruit salad felt.

I tried to make Mean Eyes of Death and Marital Discord at Husbandrinka but he didn't seem to notice.

We served the fruit salad after cake.

People were polite and didn't gorge themselves on it.

There is still plenty left over.

Under the dunce cap.


Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

Putting cherries in a fruit salad is clearly immoral - it would be a terrible thing to do because of all the pip spitting. I suppose you could practice high school maths by plotting the parabolic paths of the pips but...

So your daughter will clean for a fiver? Why don't you shower Husbandrinka with cherries and sliced pineapple to teach him a lesson? He can then pay your daughter a fiver to clean it up.

June 8, 2009 at 1:00 AM  
Blogger Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm with you on the cherries in a fruit salad--Never heard of it and glad I haven't. Pitting cherries is to much work!

But it would be nice to have a husband that cooked. Hell, I'd be happy to have a husband who knew where our kitchen was! My husband thinks the food fairy brings our dinners :-)

Very funny post. Thanks.

June 8, 2009 at 1:25 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

the fruit salad is my best culinary skill and i'm with you on the cherries your husband is clearly jealous that your fruit salad would take all the attention away from his delicious gourmet meal

June 8, 2009 at 1:38 AM  
Blogger Priss said...

Maraschino cherries. After a slight soaking in some clear, intoxicating beverage. Or rum.

Well, you'll enjoy it anyway. I say leave out the strawberries and pineapple, and just have the cherries and rum. It's a meal all by itself.

June 8, 2009 at 4:29 AM  
Blogger Korie said...

I'm the fruit salad designee when it comes to dinner parties (and when I realized that I did feel somewhat inferior) and one thing I do that people seem impressed with? Squirt oj on it (from an actual orange) and toss in some unsalted pecans.

People really like that...and you could do it with a bi-fruit (as opposed to multifruit) salad. You still only need 2 fruits, but it'll taste like 3 fruits and nuts!

See? I'm brilliant under the duncecap!

June 8, 2009 at 5:15 AM  
Blogger Grumpy but sweet said...

i would eat your fruit salad.

i would smack my lips with glee.

June 8, 2009 at 7:10 AM  
Anonymous Inna said...

I really really don't like fruit salad - cause everything tastes like pineapple. But, if it was only strawberries and pineapple, I think it would be very good. Strawberries are always better with something a little sour. Oh, and yeah, I say veto the cherries too.

June 8, 2009 at 7:56 AM  
Blogger Gone, long gone. said...

The clear solution is to sabotage all of his future meals with "secret ingredients" that are added when he's not looking.

June 8, 2009 at 8:10 AM  
Anonymous wendi said...

Next time just make a hat out of it and start dancing. People will like you more.

June 8, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

If I'm off the hook for any cooking or preparing then I'm a happy woman. Napping. Don't make fruit salad - nap!

June 8, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

I love eating fruit salad. I love putting pineapples in the fruit salad, because it's one of the only things I know how to do in the kitchen. I cut the pineapple up with my professional chef's knife, on my well-oiled wood-stained cutting board,following a book that teaches you how to cut pineapple. I feel like a culinary genius. Then I heat up some Lean Cuisine for dinner.

So what I'm saying is, kudos to you on your two-fruit salad.

June 8, 2009 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger Queens Mamas said...

I would have offered hubbie $20 to keep his opinion to himself. I currently have pineapple and strawberries in the fridge and guess what I'm gonna do with them...
p.s. nice blog

June 8, 2009 at 9:59 AM  
Blogger CSY said...

Cherries don't really go in a fruit salad...that's more of a fruit cocktail, doesn't he know ANYTHING?!?!?!

June 8, 2009 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

Clearly, the right thing to do now is forge thank you notes from your guests and highlight the refreshingly delicious meal-ending fruit salad and display them from Husbandrinka to see when he gets home.

June 8, 2009 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Did it occur to you that he might have been trying to snag your slice of cake for himself by sending you into the kitchen to "add cherries" to the fruit salad, by which he meant "spend the next hour pitting the cherries painstakingly with a tiny knife because who puts cherries with pits into a salad"? I'm pretty sure that was his evil plan. It wasn't about dissing your fruit; it was about pigging out on dessert for himself.

Just a thought to add fuel to your indignation fire.

June 8, 2009 at 11:05 AM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I don't like cherries, and I would have eaten your fruit salad. Where's my invite?

Also, why does that first sentence sound incredibly dirty?

June 8, 2009 at 11:46 AM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

cherries in a fruit salad is insane.

June 8, 2009 at 12:46 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Did your fruit salad have jello? Because THAT is gross.

June 8, 2009 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger WendyB said...

"I tried to make Mean Eyes of Death and Marital Discord at Husbandrinka but he didn't seem to notice." -- happens to me all the time. What was the use of perfecting that expression if he doesn't notice? Damn!

June 8, 2009 at 1:33 PM  
Blogger Twisted Family Values said...

A fruit salad with only two fruits??? *gasp* Wasn't that made illegal in the Geneva Convention? :P

June 8, 2009 at 1:56 PM  
Anonymous Sarah @ said...

In my family, the fruit salad has four fruits: blueberries, cantaloupe, pineapple, and strawberries.

I always pick out the cantaloupe and blueberries. So obviously your fruit salad is PERFECT. Because I say so.

June 8, 2009 at 2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just for spite I would have added lettuce and said, "There's your salad! happy now?"

I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your sense of humor in the blogosphere!

Wishing you a scent-sational day!
Patty Reiser

June 8, 2009 at 3:50 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Maybe he was just trying to be very European and serve the salad course last. Although, that isn't usually *fruit* salad... And dessert is always the very last course, even when salad follows the entree.

But seriously - didn't you have any women at your party? I always feel like I'm the only one going for cake at events while all the other women are exclaiming over how wonderful the strawberries look. Meanwhile, I'm thinking "fine - more cake for me." And you know they just go home and gorge on some Sara Lee thing in the back of their freezer anyway... I'm not buying their fruit preference.

But I'm sure I'd think your fruit salad was lovely (to look at while I was eating cake).

June 8, 2009 at 4:41 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

The fruit salad sounds good to me. If I were there I would have eaten it.

June 8, 2009 at 5:40 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I personally think that pineapple and strawberries are the two best parts of fruit salad, and frankly, don't need any other fruit there to steal their thunder.

June 8, 2009 at 8:26 PM  
Anonymous Two Wishes said...

You know how French food is often simple but seems fancy because of the sauces? The only thing you were missing was the sauce. And my mother taught me a perfect one -- apricot baby food, straight out of the jar, lightly applied.

Sounds crazy, but trust me! Everyone will exclaim over your perfect fruit sauce. (And if they're annoying or you're in a mood, you can decline to share your secret recipe and laugh at the fancy people oohing and aahing over baby food.)

June 8, 2009 at 10:28 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

Actually, I kinda want some of your two-fruit fruit salad right now.

June 9, 2009 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger Swistle said...

1. "If it will shut you up" = EXACTLY RIGHT.

2. I will help with those fruit salad leftovers. (It IS a fruit salad. I say it.)

June 9, 2009 at 9:20 PM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

I made a pineapple and strawberry fruit salad last night too. It was pretty good.

June 10, 2009 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger ^_^ said...

You and your hubby (I hate that word, but not enough to stop using it) make such a team. I'm still wondering when the tv show will actually hit the tube....

Make sure you post the date/time/network of the pilot. I wouldn't miss it for all the most adorable house broken, up-to-date on immunizations, anti-flee, anti-tick, non-shedding lhasa apsos in the world. :)

June 12, 2009 at 11:26 AM  

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