Thursday, June 4, 2009

Baking Soda, Vinegar, Maybe Oil for Flavor?

Although I am fortunate to have two children now, after my daughter was born, I had a brief struggle with infertility. I didn't even realize that secondary infertility existed, and it didn't make me enjoy it any more. I knew that I was very lucky to have a child already, but I am an only child and it was important for me to raise siblings. Our family did not feel complete.

After a bout of tests of various degrees of humiliation, my doctor told me that I had a hostile cervical environment, which for some reason surprises no one that I share the news with. My doctor seemed confident that if I neutralized the hostile cervix, I would stop killing sperm and get pregnant. (Seriously, I should have bottled that stuff and sold it to teenagers. And yes, by "that stuff" I mean my "hostile cervix". Why? Inappropriate?) He told me to buy a baking soda douche and a vinegar douche and to use them -- in some sequence that escapes me now.

So I went to my local pharmacy and visited the douche section. Seriously, if there's anything that will make you pray for a quick death faster than strolling through the douche section, I don't know what it is. To make matters worse, I couldn't find either the baking soda or the vinegar douche. I dialed my doctor's office.

"Um," I told the receptionist, "I'm supposed to get the baking soda and the vinegar douche, but all I see is Misty Forest Dew and Sunshine Raindrops, do you think that I could substitute? What? No? Ok, yes, I do realize that they're not interchangeable, but I thought that if the doctor knew that that's all they had here..yes, I could go to a different drug store and try their douche selection."

Of course! Why not devote the rest of my life touring the various douche departments throughout the city? Perhaps I can make it a national tour if I really get momentum.

I still remember the drug store where I found the douche. It was, unfortunately, across the street from where I lived, so I would have to see these people every day. Maybe I should move.

"Hey, what's that for?" the cashier asked me. Now, I've never in my life had a cashier ask me what anything was for, even if I was buying an AskMeWhatI'mFor kit, so this wasn't good news.
"I don't know," I said. She looked teenagerish. Fucking kids.
"Hey, I'm a female, too," she told me. "Maybe it's something that I need."
"You don't need it if your doctor doesn't tell you that you need it," I hissed.

It took me months to try it, because the idea seemed so utterly ridiculous and because Husbandrinka kept saying things like "what's with the vaginal salad dressing?" But the month I did try it, I got pregnant. With my sweet baby boy. I can't wait to tell the story of his conception at his wedding one day.

42 Comments:

Blogger TrodoMcCracken said...

For some reason when you said "Hostile Cervix" I was picturing your eggs decked out in army hats, and dark smudges smeared across it's surface, and guns, and tigers, and bombs, and I'm pretty sure a unicorn with an uzi was in there but then I realized it was a pretty shitty army if all it took was some Vaginal Salad Dressing to take them out. And then I wondered what was inside me and could only come up with rainbows.

June 4, 2009 at 10:04 AM  
Anonymous Melissa Chapman said...

I too experienced secondary infertility after I had my daughter...which was news to me, being that I blinked my eyes and got pregnant the first time around... after a battery of invasive tests- which apparently showed my fallopian tubes were all fucked up a fertility specialist who had the bedside manner of a Nazi general told me I'd never have kids without IVF, blah, blah- then my husband’s sperm was tested and found to have Abnormal morphology to which we both looked quizzically at each other and said- huh?? (My husband, who went through medical school fellowship, had never heard of the term until his sperm came under attack!)Long story short... my fallopian tubes were okay- he's still got abnormally shaped sperm- but we managed to have our son

June 4, 2009 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger momcat said...

That ol hostility will creep in anywhere it can!

June 4, 2009 at 10:35 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Keep up that kind of talk and your children may elope...

I love "vaginal salad dressing." I didn't know they even made douche anymore. I thought it was like snake oil and patently dismissed by all doctors. At the very least I know that I haven't seen a "not so fresh feeling" commercial in years.

June 4, 2009 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

OMG I'm dying of laughter over here. She asked what it's for?!? Horror. Sheer horror.

June 4, 2009 at 11:02 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

What about croutons? The doctor didn't tell you to put croutons in there too, did he?

June 4, 2009 at 11:08 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

"After a bout of tests of various degrees of humiliation, my doctor told me that I had a hostile cervical environment, which for some reason surprises no one that I share the news with." This right here made me almost pee because I laughed so hard.

Okay, back to reading.

June 4, 2009 at 11:13 AM  
Blogger Courtney said...

From this moment on, I will correct anyone who says "douche". They need to be informed the correct name is "vaginal salad dressing".

June 4, 2009 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Keyona said...

Vaginal Salad Dressing...there will be nothing else funnier for the day. Thanks for asking.

June 4, 2009 at 11:25 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

actually, don't you mean "hostile cervix JUICE"? i mean, if you're going to put it in a bottle and sell it and all...

June 4, 2009 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Of course it was the pharmacy right by your home. That's the way the universe works.

Wouldn't it had been cool if you could have just slapped the teen sales girl?

June 4, 2009 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger Ann's Rants said...

At some point you might explain to him how "douchebag" is actually a term of endearment in his particular case.

June 4, 2009 at 11:43 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

...vaginal salad dressing...you have a way with words. That one will stick with me for a while!

You never fail to crack me up!

June 4, 2009 at 11:44 AM  
OpenID bunnysmom said...

That is going to make one hell of a beautiful toast at his wedding. sniff sniff...

June 4, 2009 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger Newt said...

Hey, I have an "unfavorable cervix," so maybe we should start a club?

June 4, 2009 at 12:14 PM  
Blogger Julia said...

"Vaginal salad dressing" *DIES*

June 4, 2009 at 12:20 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

I had a little case of a "hostile cervix" as well. After trying to preg-up so many times, that little donut hole finally jumed out and said, "Why bother?" So, I gave up and it eventually happened eons later.

Vaginal salad dressing? Bwahahaha!!

June 4, 2009 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I had a dog once that got sprayed by a skunk. My now ex had to go to the store and buy ALL the douches they had because it was a big dog and the douche was allegedly going to help us get the smell out. luckily we were in S.F. and never went back again

June 4, 2009 at 12:51 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

Wow I wrote about the same thing this morning. Only my post isn't funny at all because I'm right in the thick of it. Hostile mucus, that is. My dr. hasn't mentioned this idea -- I might run it past her. It's encouraging me to see that you were able to get pregnant again. Sorry to be so depressing!

June 4, 2009 at 1:05 PM  
Blogger Smores for Breakfast said...

LOL!!!! The sad thing is I can relate. My pharmacist at Duane Reade wants to talk about EVERYTHING I buy and EVERY medicine I take in a "best friend" way. Clearly she is NOT my best friend. In fact, it's gotten so bad, even tho the Duane Reade is actually IN my building, I now go to the one DOWN the street to get anything personal. Good thing for you tho is that you only had to use the douche once. And it worked! It was worth it!

June 4, 2009 at 1:14 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

You should have knocked her down with a mighty flurry of douche bombs.

Glad it worked though.

June 4, 2009 at 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I have a designated embarrassing drug store - I buy the embarrassing stuff like hemorrhoid cream and yeast infection stuff there. But don't go there for anything else.

June 4, 2009 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

hostile cervix cream? Yeah, it would probably sell!!

You should also patent vaginal salad dressing!! Bwahahahaha!!

June 4, 2009 at 2:25 PM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

At least you remember his conception.

#! was conceived after a Dave Matthews concert, or a bachlorette party, or Thanksgiving.

#2 ?

#3 ???

June 4, 2009 at 4:27 PM  
Anonymous Dejoni said...

You should've told the snotty sales girl that the vaginal salad dressing actually PROHIBITS pregnancy and that men love the smell of pusswa and vinegar. LOL!

June 4, 2009 at 4:46 PM  
Anonymous Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

Damned teenagers. Never know when to shut up, ring up the purchase, and put it in a paper bag so nobody else knows what's going on. Sheesh. Lol.

June 4, 2009 at 4:57 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Somewhere I have the results of a semen analysis from The Daver with, I shit you not, a smily face on it. He has A+ sperm. My body, though, sucks.

And think of it this way, you always had salad dressing, right?

June 4, 2009 at 4:57 PM  
Blogger miss cavendish said...

Interesting. Vinegar is also good for descaling electric teakettles. And I always show my gender studies students an ad from the 1950s(?) where Lysol is being marketed as a douche. Presumably in a milder formula.

June 4, 2009 at 5:11 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

Baby Batter and Salad Dressing. The perfect combination. You should cater.

June 4, 2009 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger MKMom said...

I hope you only had a $30 copay on that doctor visit...or maybe if the douche recommendation actually did work then your doctor was the $35 variety?

:)

June 4, 2009 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

I had secondary infertility, but I wasn't at all hostile about it. . .

June 4, 2009 at 6:42 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

Heh ... Vaginal Salad dressing. I LOVE that!!! Too funny!

June 4, 2009 at 7:54 PM  
Blogger Dreamgirl said...

I just loved this story and your very sarcastic and funny writing.

I'm actually reminded of a story I heard a few years ago from a friend. Her mother was going to the gynecologist and to freshen up she bought a douche (probably Sunshine Raindrops or Spring Violets or something like that). The morning of her visit she sprayed herself vigorously. As the doctor examined her, he gave her a quick smile and said: "I see you have really made an effort today." Confused she smiled back and thanked him, thinking that he was talking about her overall appearance.

Later that evening in the bathroom she suddenly realized what the doctor had meant by his comment. In the hustle and bustle of getting ready that morning she had by mistake grabbed her granddaughter's glitter-spray!

Well, thank you for giving me a good laugh! I would love to have you visit me at www.sweeterliving.blogspot.com (I'm brand new, and in the process of learning...)

Greetings from Norway

June 4, 2009 at 8:34 PM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

I thought baking soda and vinegar makes those science class volcanoes?

Should be a good story to tell at the wedding.

June 4, 2009 at 10:02 PM  
Blogger lswain said...

I'm still trying to decide if this was the first time I had ever visited your blog and if this was the first post of yours I ever read if I would be put off? freaked out? offended? dunno... all I know is that it is certainly not the first post of yours that I have read and I am DYING of laughter reading it. So well written and so freakin' FUNNY! thanks for making me laugh!

June 4, 2009 at 10:17 PM  
OpenID mommygeekology said...

That's a pretty awesome conception story. Better than "You were sort of unplanned, and I was drunk" and "You were sort of unplanned, and I wasn't drunk".

Ahem.

June 4, 2009 at 10:21 PM  
Blogger MommyTime said...

Comedy Goddess beat me to it, but I too was wondering about volcanoes! Seriously. Vaginal Volcanoes sounds really really hostile. Awesome.

June 4, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

To Marinka-- too funny, that will make the most awesome toast. Especially if you throw some jewish vocab in there as well.

In reply to ohmommy-- at least you can't remember where your kids were concieved. I'm pretty sure we got our daughter as a response to a quickie in my parents bathroom.

June 4, 2009 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger Belle said...

In England (the country that lost the war!)they actually precribe medication for fertility problems and sell vinegar and baking powder in the grocery store. Oh - and your use of the term 'vaginal salad dressing' is disgusting. Outrageous. I only follow you because I thought that you were a decent mommy blogger. Like that Doouche woman.

June 5, 2009 at 6:39 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

"Vaginal salad dressing..." Lol!

I feel like Husbandrinka needs a blog too.

June 5, 2009 at 1:14 PM  
OpenID camerapatty said...

This is a hilarous post. i am glad that Scarry Mommy shared this link with her followers because it made me laugh.

June 5, 2009 at 8:12 PM  
Blogger Swistle said...

OMG! And just like that, you've decided the salad dressing for his wedding reception.

June 7, 2009 at 9:43 PM  

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