Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Family Secrets

When I was a kid and my parents had heated words, my mother would sometimes tell my father "you know, she's listening to everything and one day, she's going to write a book about it, is that what you want?" and I'd wipe the drool off my chin and think, "yeah, a book of boredom, maybe" and then resume drooling. I don't know why I couldn't think that without wiping the drool off, so maybe I'm making that part up, but still.

I never did write that book, mostly because all of my parents' fights were stupid and unmemorable and centered around things like whether Roseanne was a "lowlife", as my father believed, or "quality entertainment" as my mother would have it.

But today, I do have two family secrets to disclose. Fortunately, neither has to do with my parents:

1. On Friday, my daughter and I did laundry and despite our careful laundry segregation, Husbandrinka now has pink underwear. I told my son about it, swearing him to secrecy, and he immediately told everyone. If you haven't received your personal email from him yet, please be patient. He's been busy buying various mailing lists and will get to you shortly.

2. When my son was three, I'd say "ok, time to get out of the bath!" and he'd say "one hundred more minutes" and I'd say "no, five" and he'd say "one hundred!" and splash his fist in anger and I'd relent and then five minutes later would say "ok, a hundred minutes are up!" and he'd say "ok!" and get out of the tub. I told my son this story this weekend and he laughed and said "why didn't I know what 100 minutes was?" and I said "because you were stupid". And he said "no, really, why?" And I was like "a total moron". Of course I didn't say it out loud because, you know, the whole kids and self esteem stuff.

27 Comments:

Blogger Amy said...

I still can't decide about Roseanne.

I love that your son just assumed you were kidding about him being stupid. That is awesome.

May 26, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Paula said...

Years ago, when my son was young (and lovable), he had a friend whose grandfather (oy, could this get any more convoluted?) used to count to 100 like this: "One, two, skip a few, ninety-nine, one hundred." Obv that stayed with me because my son is now 20.

May 26, 2009 at 10:52 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

Papa was right about Roseanne.

I used to lie to my kids about the passage of time, too. I'd agree to 30 more minutes 'til bedtime, and then call 'time's up' ten minutes later.

They never caught on either, but it'll probably come out in therapy someday.

May 26, 2009 at 11:48 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I thought lowlifes WERE quality entertainment!?

May 26, 2009 at 12:22 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

it's hard to be funny AND to maintain your child's self esteem. a constant battle for me

May 26, 2009 at 12:30 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I have the self esteem vs. funny debate in my head daily. Thankfully usually self esteem wins most of the time.

May 26, 2009 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

A cultured and well-bathed man like myself is unfamiliar with this Roseanne character but she sounds like a low-life to me...

...anyway, I've gotta go, off for a 100-minute bath.

May 26, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

A cultured and well-bathed man like myself is unfamiliar with this Roseanne character but she sounds like a low-life to me...

...anyway, I've gotta go, off for a 100-minute bath.

May 26, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Isn't it obvious that Roseanne was more annoying than entertainment? Or is it just me?

May 26, 2009 at 1:27 PM  
Anonymous the mama bird diaries said...

More secrets please! Seriously, keep them coming.

May 26, 2009 at 1:35 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

When my husband asks why it took so long for us to get married, I remind him that he used to be stupid, and he totally believes me.

Fortunately for me, his own parents took care of that self-esteem crap.

May 26, 2009 at 2:32 PM  
Blogger WA said...

Pink underwear are VERY metrosexual. He should thank you.

May 26, 2009 at 3:33 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

That's exactly what MY mom used to say.

May 26, 2009 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

What?? Kids have self-esteem?! I thought I could say whatever I want and then just tell them they're "special" and it would make everything better!

May 26, 2009 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger lizspin said...

Okay, I'm going back to read this blog post like a hundred more times!

May 26, 2009 at 4:30 PM  
Blogger Julie B. said...

#2 cracked me up because my daughter does the same thing with the bath...but her negotiation tactics need lots of help..I say 5 more minutes and she says 18 (always her first bargain) - I say ok 18 or no 5, depending on my mood and then she says no, TWO, TWO more minutes.

May 26, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I do the opposite because I am a bad mother and if they are not bothering me, it is all good.

So I'll say "5 minutes until bedtime" and this makes them rush away to get in some play before PJs. Twenty minutes of blissful peace later one of them will come down and I'll say "2 minutes until bedtime!" and away they go again...

I do feel guilty though that none of them has a real idea of how long a minute is.

May 26, 2009 at 10:16 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

All I know is Roseanne still amuses me to this day.

May 26, 2009 at 11:26 PM  
Blogger Tiaras and Tantrums said...

cute tub story

May 27, 2009 at 12:15 AM  
Blogger Joseph said...

Great blog post. Just started reading your blog but you got some great content and layout!

Btw, I just stumbled and submitted your blog to Viralogy.com. Hope it brings you a lot of new readers!

May 27, 2009 at 2:29 AM  
Blogger daydreamymama said...

I must confess that I've loved Roseann ever since one of the very first episodes, when someone mentioned a woman who had stabbed her husband 98 times, and Roseann's response was "I admire her restraint!" That's low-life, quality entertainment, right there.
My son continually asks for "Seventy-hundred" more minutes in the bath, and I say "OK." But then when 5 or so minutes go by, I'll say "OK, it's been seventy-hundred minutes!" and he says "no, it hasn't." A mixture of stupid and smart, just like his dad. I'm in trouble.

May 27, 2009 at 6:47 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Oh shoot, we're not supposed to call them "stupid" out loud?

May 27, 2009 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

I'd like to see a photo of Husbandrinka in his pink underwear - please.

May 27, 2009 at 10:47 AM  
Blogger Comedy Goddess said...

These are the blog family secrets? Not your real family of course.

May 27, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

You're just too funny!

Now - where's that e-mail about the pink undies. Or better still, a picture I can sell for outrageous sums of money on the Internet.

May 27, 2009 at 12:14 PM  
Anonymous Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said...

LOL!!! Isn't the best part of being a parent being able to hold stories like that over your kids' heads forever?

At least that's what my parents say. They're still telling stories about my childhood stupidity.

But then again, they would have actually said A TOTAL MORON and laughed.

May 27, 2009 at 2:39 PM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

am I going to get that email in another 100 minutes?

May 28, 2009 at 2:53 AM  

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