Sunday, May 31, 2009

Message from the Universe. And Pixar.

Warning! This blog post contains some minor spoilers for the Pixar movie UP. If you do not want to be spoiled, please leave now and come back after your 11th birthday. Hopefully by that point I'm going to be able to stop rolling my eyes.

I am not a very spiritual person. I believe in live and let live, believe what you believe, make it count because it'll all be over too soon. But sometimes even I have to sit up and listen to the message that the universe is trying to send me. And the message this weekend was loud and clear: You are an asshole. Stop talking.

I decided to devote the weekend to being a super involved mom. You know, the kind that does shit with her kids nonstop. I remember someone saying "the kids aren't going to remember your cleaning, but they will remember the fun things that you do with them" and it made sense for about a minute, before I realized that whoever said that probably had a cleaning lady. Because I'm thinking that if the kids are tripping over dust balls and people in Hazmat suits are coming to remove them from the premises, they'll remember.

But whatever. Husbandrinka was away for the weekend, so it was me and the kids. And because apparently two kids aren't enough, I invited a few more and took them to see "UP" on Sunday afternoon. In 3D.

Here's something I forgot to mention: I don't like kid movies. I don't enjoy them. They are emotionally manipulative. I must be some kind of a psychic because I know what's going to happen in each one. And I don't understand why the movies have to be at such earsplitting volume. I'm guessing that it is to resuscitate me after I went to get a bottle of water and found out that it cost $4.25. They really should sell some Astroglide at the concession stand for smoother and more satisfying sodomy results.

So, I'm watching this movie and give me a fucking break, Pixar. We have to deal with a miscarriage in the first ten minutes? I mean, they're children. Why not have a few rape/torture scenes too, while you're at it, you know, to build momentum? But ok, whatever, I'm watching and then we meet our boy hero, Russell. And I see that Russell has Down Syndrome which I think is pretty groundbreaking of Pixar and I love that idea. And as I'm sitting there, I tell one of the kids with me, "see that boy, he is very special. He was born with some challenges, but look at how brave he is!" and my mini-charge fully appreciates my wisdom and says "what challenges?" "Well," I launch into differently able and everyone is special speech and then I tell him that he has Down Syndrome, which he has had since birth and then I stop talking because some weirdo in front of me turns around and while looking at me through her 3-D glasses says something that sounds like "shush". Seriously? It's a kid movie, not a seance. If you expect silence, you are an moron. Besides, I was dispensing wisdom and shaping young minds.

So, then the movie mercifully comes to an end, and I realize that the review in the New York Times that I read did not have a reference to the boy having Down Syndrome and I'm all like 'the fucking Times. How politically correct do we have to be? If we don't mention difference, how can we celebrate it?" I rush home and start googling "Pixar's Up" & Down's Syndrome and I'm not getting any hits, but maybe Google was tired or something, so I go on Twitter and I ask casually if the boy had Down Syndrome, and Maria laughs her ass off and tells me that no, he is Asian. Which I really don't think he was. And I'm sure there's a "UP" and "Down (Syndrome)" symbolism that is in the movie and Pixar will probably turn the company over to the first person who realizes that. Which would be me.

And now I have tell this kid not to tell anyone what I said about the special boy, because he is nothing special.

None of this would have happened if I stayed home and cleaned, like women are supposed to, in the first place.


Blogger Ann Imig said...

Five year old declined an invitation to this movie this weekend.

Now I'm wondering if he's a bigot not wanting to support Up syndrome.

May 31, 2009 at 7:55 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

This was the awesomest post ever. Or today, at least.

May 31, 2009 at 8:11 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

I saw Wolverine last night and there was a preview for Up. I thought that the kid had down's too -- and am shocked that it's not so! What tha?!

May 31, 2009 at 8:12 PM  
Blogger Jane Devin said...

I could feel your pain, but I'm too busy laughing my ass off. :-)

May 31, 2009 at 8:17 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

Maybe we're just not used to seeing chubbo asian kids in movies. Let alone in animation. It's just WRONG!!!

May 31, 2009 at 8:18 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

you didn't like it? Damn you're picky........

May 31, 2009 at 8:25 PM  
Blogger musingwoman said...

I saw the preview for UP when we went to see the awesomeness that is Star Trek, and though it looks like it has a few cute moments I really have no desire to see it.

Good thing all my kids are over 18.

May 31, 2009 at 8:26 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I haven't been to the movies in years (think Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle)

But my kids are a little young for most of the Pixar movies so I don't see many.

I tried Monster's Inc on them a few months ago and was nearly screamed out of the house. I guess it's scary? I saw it years ago on a flight to Vienna with really bad turbulence and really good wine and I thought it was HILARIOUS. Anyway I doubt I'll see Up before 2112, but when I do, I'll make sure to scrutinize Russell.

May 31, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) said...

You may be the only one wise enough to see through the hidden complexities of UP. . . perhaps it was so subltle that even Pixar didn't know. . .

I'd stick to your story anyway.

May 31, 2009 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger MarĂ­a said...

LOL. I swear he was Asian. I swear it. But gotdamn was that the funniest twitter conversation that I've EVER had and made for a hell of a blog post ending, eh?

Oh, I can't wait to meet you in Chicago. :)

May 31, 2009 at 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, at least you got some blog fodder out of the experience!

May 31, 2009 at 10:47 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

That is freakin hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh today. My kids are going to see it on Friday, but sadly I won't be taking them, their grandma will. Probably a good thing because now I would be analyzing the kid and the movie the whole time. Thanks again for the chuckle!

May 31, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Stormy Seaworthy said...

I laughed so much when I read this the first time and then I read it aloud to my husband and we both laughed so hard that the tears rolled down our eyes. Thank you for this.

May 31, 2009 at 11:03 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

i've seen the preview far too many times. if i have to sit through the movie, i will not be happy. cracking up about the downs syndrome mix-up. never crossed my mind. thanks for a great post!

May 31, 2009 at 11:12 PM  
Blogger McMommy said...

Best line I've ever read in my history of reading blogs: "...whoever said that must have had a cleaning lady."


May 31, 2009 at 11:14 PM  
Blogger EatPlayLove said...

Oh my goodness... It may have crossed my mind that he was special, but then again Ellie seemed to be very special herself.

Everyone is raving about this movie, I though it was alright. Which means one thumb to the side, not up or down.

May 31, 2009 at 11:44 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

This was so funny I can't stand it. It may have replaced "Mommy Drinks Because of Kid TV" as my favorite Marinka post ever.

June 1, 2009 at 12:31 AM  
Blogger Roshni said...

So, he's Down and Up and Asian! Good going!!

June 1, 2009 at 12:47 AM  
Blogger OHmommy said...

I just put new underwear on for the day.

Damn you for making me change it this early in the morning.

June 1, 2009 at 6:38 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

I just thought Russell was fat. Doesn't that make me less of a bigot?

June 1, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

You never learn! How many times have I told you not to bother with the kids?

June 1, 2009 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Really? A miscarriage? Er...

Why isn't Astroglide spelled Asstroglide?

June 1, 2009 at 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Christy said...

OMG--you are freakin' KILLING me! That was hilarious...I stopped trying to be a super involved mom a long time ago. It made me nervous (although my house isn't any cleaner for it!)

June 1, 2009 at 10:16 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

The beauty of our DVR is that I have not seen a single preview/commercial for this movie and had no idea it existed.

June 1, 2009 at 10:41 AM  
Blogger LTYM said...

"UP" is the fresh hell I'll be seeing this weekend. But I think I'll take the boys to the theater that serves alcohol.

June 1, 2009 at 10:55 AM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Okay, now I'm really intrigued and must go see it.
You can't be the only one to think this. But you're obviously the funniest.

June 1, 2009 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Momo Fali said...

I didn't get the Down Syndrome impression, or that he was Asian. But, he was definitely fat.

June 1, 2009 at 12:03 PM  
Blogger Ryan Ashley Scott said...

I don't know what is funnier - the post or the comments! I didn't get anything like DS or Asian, but he did seem a little different. Geesh, I can't stop snorting! At least you tried.

While I enjoyed the movie, the miscarriage scene was inappropriate for children. Does there really need to be a reason for people to not have children?

June 1, 2009 at 1:05 PM  
Blogger LivingLifeBackwards said...

OK, I just totally busted out loud at work. AH HA HA HA HA that's funny!

June 1, 2009 at 1:24 PM  
Anonymous Emilie @Doritos for Dinner said...

My daughter is Asian -- does this mean she appears to others to have Down Syndrome? Or Up Syndrome, or whatever the hell politically correct term we're supposed to be using? Hmmm. Something to ponder.

And I vow never to go to a movie again if the theater does not offer Astroglide at the concession stand.

June 1, 2009 at 1:25 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

I really have to wait until I leave work to read your posts. I laughed so hard I snorted. I haven't taken my daughter to see it yet so I had to Google Images of the movie and he so could pass for a kid with DS. are one funny chick.

June 1, 2009 at 1:29 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

See, this the kind of bad stuff that can happen when you spend too much quality time with your kids.

I loathe kids movies.

June 1, 2009 at 1:36 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I saw your Tweet but was speechless. The kid is Asian.

I also thought the infertility thing was an outrage and it pissed me off. Then I was crying 2 minutes later cause of the end of that little life vingette.

Then I thought it was super hilarious and I loved it.

Then I was all teary again at the end.

What was that you said about emotional manipulation?

June 1, 2009 at 1:37 PM  
Anonymous Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

OMG I'm dying! This is so funny! Of course, I voted for taking the kids to Up this weekend, but the kids voted me down and we saw the night at the museum sequel. Sucked. Even for a kids movie. Not to mention that I could have taken us all out to dinner at a VERY expensive restaurant for the price of popcorn and water.

June 1, 2009 at 4:46 PM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

hmmm, you sound a little curmudgeonly in this post - sorta like, hmmm, oh, yeah... that old guy in "up."

June 1, 2009 at 5:25 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

Ok, I had to come back tonight to leave a comment. I mean seriously. Those bastards at work have all kinds of shit to block me from having any fun and I finally figure out how to use iGoogle and RSS to get blog feeds that I can read "during breaks." And what do you do?!? Post something that has me cracking up as one of those fun nazi's - I mean Information Security people - walks up to my desk to talk about an issue I had.

If I can't catch you on iGoogle tomorrow you have only yourself to blame.

Oh, and what's with all the fatty haters in your readership?!

June 1, 2009 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

"dispensing wisdom and shaping young minds," right you were!

I'm actually sitting here trying to read a chapter on childhood disorders. Lo and behold I just finished reading the section on Down Syndrome when I decided to take a break from studying.

When I saw the commercials for this movie I actually thought the kid looked special. I think you're on to something. My roommate interns for Disney. I'll ask her about the kid having Down Syndrome.

June 1, 2009 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

down's syndrome? seriously?
he was definitely Asian, and he most definitely did not have down's syndrome.

June 2, 2009 at 8:37 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

This is really freaking funny, I'm too lazy to find my favorite lines, but I loved it.

Oh and we have this in common, I hate kids' movies too, but not always the movies themselves, mostly that I have to take kids with me. I hated Wall-E, but I'll defend Ice Age to my death. Funny.

June 3, 2009 at 12:52 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

So, you didn't like it?

June 3, 2009 at 2:04 AM  
Blogger momtrolfreak said...

Hilarious!!! I came here to read you after seeing that some other blogger (Punch Drunk: fucking HAAATES me and you and our horrible reviews. I mean wow. Hates us. You maybe slightly more than me, but pretty neck and neck. Check out the link! Your review is somewhat similar to mine (for Momicillin), and I think you and I are the only ones in the world who felt this way (emotionally manipulative, etc). I totally did NOT read "down syndrome" from Russell, but I thought it was weird how Pixar makes fun of the fat kid over and over so that they are either saying "eat chocolate all the time!" or saying "make fun of fat kids" Not sure which it is but either way, not a great message. WTF, Pixar? Anyway, glad to have found you, oh compadre. Years from now we can look back on these days fondly, saying, "remember that time Punch Drunk flamed us on her blog for mentioning the M word?" It'll be like 'Nam.

June 9, 2009 at 1:04 AM  

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