Sunday, December 21, 2008

Week in Review

(And don’t miss Anymommy’s Week In Review!)

Sunday: I am in recovery from stomach flu and watch I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant. It is a TLC documentary-with-reenactments about four women who didn’t even know that they were pregnant until they were in labor. It is the best thing that I’ve ever seen in my life. Although like any normal judgmental person I assumed that they had Great Stupidity in common, in fact they are totally normal (with the exception of one woman who referred to her period as “my menstrual”).

Monday: I ask my daughter where her gloves are and she says in her pocket and instinctively I say, “oh, and I thought that you were just happy to see me.” She looks confused and I make immediate plans to get an internal editor so that I don’t say everything that comes to my mind.

Tuesday: I tell best friend John that the stomach flu I had may have been just horrible menstrual cramps and he says, “you still get your period?” I overlook this attack on my youth, but he continues, “Maybe you’re going through perimenopause and having extra cramps. I thought every stupid bitch knew that.”

Wednesday: Friend John asks me if I still have my mucous plug.

Thursday: Brad Pitt says that his children don’t ask for expensive gifts because they are not exposed to American materialistic cartoons and that he and his family exchange homemade gifts on Christmas. After my blood pressure returns to normal, I decide that the reasons that they don’t ask for expensive gifts is that they already have everything and that anything short of a continent isn’t considered expensive by their kazillionaire parents. Although if I find out that Angie is making tampon crafts, I will forgive all.

Friday: Snowstorm in NYC. I notice that many tourists around Rockefeller Center walk five across on the sidewalk, stop short to look at tall buildings and are generally a fucking pain in the ass. Rethink my plan to be the NYC tourism ambassador.

Saturday: Acquaintance John and his friend and my faithful blog reader-but-not-commenter David write "The Twelve Gays of Christmas" for this blog. I have to patiently explain to them that the refrain "and a gerbil up Richard Gere's ass" is offensive, as my blog has a more wholesome, religious bent.



Blogger Annje said...

Funny! I am with you on the Brad Pitt B.S. I bet they alreadyhave everything they could possibly desire. And they're not exposed to American materialistic cartoons? Ass! Anyone who may have one or more nannies, a family chef, and a housekeeper, can just shut up about the evils of TV exposure.
I love the idea of a week in review, unfortunately my days are such a blur of boredom I can't remember past yesterday. I have to post in the moment if something interesting happens.

p.s. DO you still have your mucous plug?

p.p.s. love your blog!

December 21, 2008 at 1:30 PM  
Blogger derfina said...

New-ish to your blog. Did John devolve from best friend to friend to acquaintance, or were these three different Johns? (which leads to a whole different line of questioning...)

December 21, 2008 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

Amazing...tampons crafts, menopause, mucous plugs, stomach flu, and sympton-less pregnancies.

What the?? ;)

December 21, 2008 at 2:40 PM  
Blogger Mehitabels said...

So, wait. Despite your John perhaps needing a light slapping, does this mean we do not get to read "The 12 Gays of Christmas"?


December 21, 2008 at 3:24 PM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

You lead a very full life. I hope you are resting with your feet up.

December 21, 2008 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

I have to know - how is that these women didn't know they were pregnant - did their babies not kick the crap out of them like mine did (one kicked me so hard he broke my rib)?

December 21, 2008 at 4:08 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Tell John he can publish "The Twelve Gays of Christmas" on my blog.

December 21, 2008 at 4:16 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

just ANOTHER reason to be thankful I'm not with Brad anymore.

p.s. I'm coming to NYC for a Children Writ and Pub conference Jan 31- Feb 2!!!! Of course I have to rob a bank or steal money from a senile old person, but I'm coming, dammit.

December 21, 2008 at 4:21 PM  
Blogger Stat Mama said...

Brad Pitt is a douche.

And I am addicted to your blog. LOL

December 21, 2008 at 4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhhhhhh. So Angie is tight with Kelly Ripa and Reese Witherspoon with her views on American television and blatant commercialism? My ever-widening ASS. They are all full of it.

Like Lara Croft, Tomb Raider wasn't an action figure. And Brad probably had one and Jennifer is now stabbing it ritualistically and you know what? So.Would.I. In fact, I'm going to look for one on ebay.

December 21, 2008 at 6:12 PM  
Blogger That Janie Girl said...

I like it!

December 21, 2008 at 6:22 PM  
Blogger I'm Wendy said...

"On the first gay of Christmas, my fag hag gave to me..."

No? That's not how it starts?

December 21, 2008 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Brad and Ang have my undying hatred...but I LOVE 'I didn't know I was pregnant.' Quality programming. Hope both flu and plug are long gone.

December 21, 2008 at 8:12 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

How on freakin' earth could you not know your pregnant until labor? Honestly, i must see this show.

And Brad and Angelina just make me want to vomit like I have the stomach virus.

Feel better!

December 21, 2008 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Annje--Sometimes I can't remember my week either. That's where lying comes in really handy!

Derfina--There is only one John. He got a friendship demotion as the week went by.

Akilah--I know. Mama said there'd be weeks like this.

Mehitables--I think that the 12 Gays of Christmas is on hold.

Comedy Goddess--Yeah, those grapes aren't going to peel themselves, you know.

Imogen--some of the women thought they had gas, apparently not all babies are active. One had a titled uterus, so her baby was kicking towards the back. Crazy, right?

Kirsten--stop trying to steal John from me!

Vodka Mom--thank goodness you got out when you did!

StatMom--no need to insult douches! And thanks for reading my blog.

Paula--yes! Brad is part of my Kelly/Reese "our kids are better than yours because we are better parents" coven!

Janie-- ;)

Wendy-- I think that may be part of it! Wait, you didn't copyright that verse, did you?

Anymommy--Wait, did you see "I didn't know I was pregnant!"?! Because I'm desperately searching for another person who is familiar with this.

The Mama Bird Diaries--well, they were heavier and weren't menstruating and under stress. But yes, you have to watch it. I can't do it justice!

December 21, 2008 at 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And there I was all worried that your week in review was going to be spent in a hypochondriac frenzy, obsessively checking for pregnancy symptoms.

I need a new gay best friend too. If you won't give John to Kirsten and me, maybe you could be big-hearted and share. Huh? Huh?

December 21, 2008 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I hope that you are feeling better my dear. I still hope that we can meet when I am visiting this week.

December 21, 2008 at 10:04 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I may love your friend John.

I used to love Brad but now he's just good for sex.

December 21, 2008 at 10:30 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

At the rate he's going, by next week, John will be "some guy I met once named John." Time for Husbandrinka to stage his comeback.

xoxo, SG

December 21, 2008 at 10:46 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You should tell John that you use your mucous plug to stop up the sink not that you've gone and lost the old one.

December 21, 2008 at 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure you had stomach flu? Maybe it was just the Brad Pitt interview.

P.S. I love your blog! I just discovered it recently and now I read it every day.

December 21, 2008 at 11:09 PM  
Blogger shrink on the couch said...

Tampon crafts! ba ha. I damned nearly didn't make it back to your blog, I was so taken.

Ya see, the Brangolinas can take the time for handmade gifts because they have an all-organic chef doing their cooking and food shopping.

p.s. Hope you're feeling better.

December 22, 2008 at 1:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so with you on the Brad thing. If someone would just ask him to define expensive, we'd all know.

December 22, 2008 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Z said...

sounds like an all-around good week, and now I have a TV show I *need* to watch :)

December 22, 2008 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Why is it that I adore being a tourist in other cities, but can't stand the very nature of them in my own. There's something wrong with that line of thinking, isn't there???

December 22, 2008 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

The real question is: DO Brad and Angie give homemade gifts to the staff??? And how pissed would you be to get a tampon cozy from the Pitt-Jolie's if you were cleaning up after all those kids?!?!?

And no man should mention the words "mucous plug" unless they are a medical professional and need to know. Ew.

December 22, 2008 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

Oh sure Brad Pitt. I love that we need an internal editor when talking to children "that's what she said!". My favorite story is when my little brother at the age of 4 (father remarried he is 13 now) was sitting in the back of the car. My father all of a sudden slammed on the brakes to avoid an accident and a little voice from the back of the car said "Jesus!" Ha.

December 22, 2008 at 12:59 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

So I had to google 'Mucous Plug' because I had no idea what this is. Unfortunately there is a picture of it out there and I saw it. Now I have to go home sick for the day because I don't feel so good.

ps: I've never given birth, so a little warning next time please? tx

December 22, 2008 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I LOVE "After my blood pressure returns to normal". When they stop living in "chateaux" and Armani stops sending Angie matching mother/daughter couture dresses, then I might concede that they really very down to earth. But seriously - I'm sure that their staff works really hard on those homemade gifts.

December 22, 2008 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

I don't know. Do you even read the 30th comment? I'm so exhausted already. I tagged you today FYI--channeled a little Marinka-annotation-vibe.

December 22, 2008 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger Temple said...

Ok, weren't Branglenia the ones that started the whole "we will sell the first photo op of our newly born celeb child to the highest bidder" craze? Really....And the day anyone finds me getting crafty with a tampon, just call the home to get a bed ready

December 22, 2008 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

oh my goodness, this post just had me cracking up at every turn.

The whole perimenopause/extra cramps thing would have sent me into a tailspin, and Brangelina can kiss my broke white ass.

On a more positive note, hope you are feeling better!

December 22, 2008 at 9:40 PM  
Blogger jmt said...

Great update - makes NYC sound even more exciting and glamorous when you end it with the gerbil. Thanks. lol

December 22, 2008 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Thanks for the shout out about the tampon crafts. If your perimenopausal symptoms get out of hand, I'll make you some super plus angels to help out. Hey, it would be the first tampon with *wings*...screw you Always!! Now who's having a happy period?

December 23, 2008 at 4:24 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Okay, Marinka, I am choosing this topic as well. I think all bloggers should be required to make their week in review every holiday season b/c it's amazing what goes on and what is said during these..ahem...lovely times.

December 23, 2008 at 12:46 PM  
Blogger JLC said...

Tampon crafts would most definitely give everyone something to do at the office, don't you agree?

December 24, 2008 at 3:53 AM  
Blogger 2 Brits, 2 Yanks, 2 Dogs said...

I need to read the 12 gays of Christma, please publish it!

Loved what you said to your daughter don't you love your inner voice sometimes.

Brad and Angie - yeah right!

December 24, 2008 at 11:58 PM  

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