Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Make Your Bed

So the other day, I was daydreaming about Husbandrinka's demise and wondering about the men that I would start dating after an appropriate waiting period. Would I get a boy toy and become a cougar? Or would I hook up with a geriatric kazillionaire? It's hard to say, because who knows which way the winds of love will blow. And besides, I'm in mourning.

But then I started to seethe and fume because I knew that no matter who I became involved with, we'd have the same problem that I've had with every person that I've ever shared a bed with.

The top sheet.

Because the world is divided into two types of people--the sane, who prefer the top sheet not tucked in underneath the mattress, and the insane, who like to recreate the feeling of being restrained in an asylum and want the top sheet tucked in so that their feet are trapped and don't get any oxygen. (There's also a third type of person, ones who like rye bread, but I can't even get into that level of emotional instability.)

And I seem to attract the people who like being trapped in the sheet.
It took me years to get Husbandrinka to see the error of his ways.
"It's cozy," he may have argued. ("May have" because who the hell can remember? The insane sheet ramblings of many all merge into one huge ball of nonsense.)

"Cozy?!" I shrieked. "Your feet need to move around at night and be free! They need to breathe!"

"Feet breathe?"

"Of course feet breathe! Otherwise they die." I was becoming a little less confident as I went along, but I didn't want to lose momentum. "Like those women in China."

"That's foot binding," suddenly he became a historian.

"Yes, but that's how it starts. They make little girls sleep with the top sheet tucked under the mattress and then they get used to less mobility. It's a slippery slope."

Thank goodness I had history on my side.
But I'm not sure that I have the energy to go through the whole magila with a new partner.

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44 Comments:

Blogger Keyona said...

Who the hell wants their feet trapped. Those are things you need to work out before you get married!

September 29, 2009 at 11:06 AM  
Anonymous Jane said...

That seems to be a man thing.
I just have a huge comforter, no sheets.
Even when I go to a hotel I tear apart the bed. I have to be free....no constraints, I've seen pictures of those feet in China!!!

September 29, 2009 at 11:20 AM  
Anonymous C @ Kid Things said...

I have to say, we're the opposite here. I'm a tucker, my husband likes to be free. I mainly just don't like the bed getting that messed up, it drives me nuts.

September 29, 2009 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger peajaye said...

until i read this blog, i had felt so isolated and ashamd about this issue, for i, too, am a free-footer. but my partner made me feel like I was the freak. ha! i can't wait to print out your blog and wave it under his nose! once again, marinka, you are making the free world a better place to live. thank you.

September 29, 2009 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger CSY said...

Oh Marinka, why can't EVERYONE be like us? I too make sure my feet can breathe. When we went to NYC 3 yrs ago the first thing I did was untuck the sheets from the bed. CAN'T. STAND. IT. FEET. MUST. BREATHE. The maids all HATE me when we travel. Thank you for bringing this topic to the public.

September 29, 2009 at 12:23 PM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Well, I do like the bottom sheet tucked in but not tightly. I guess that means I just flirt with insanity?

September 29, 2009 at 12:30 PM  
Anonymous melissa said...

i can't have my sheet tucked in for the same reason i can't wear those damn footie pajamas. my feet MUST be exposed. they must not be trapped. i can't even wear socks to sleep. even if i'm freezing to death and my toes are blue...which, due to pedicure, color change can't be proven.
but no tuck.

September 29, 2009 at 12:31 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Hey, Melissa--I'm sorry to ask such a personal question, but WTF? Footed pajamas?! for adults?!

September 29, 2009 at 12:32 PM  
Anonymous Vicki said...

We don't have a top sheet. Problem solved. Nobel, please.

September 29, 2009 at 12:53 PM  
OpenID mommygeekology said...

We don't use a top sheet. In fact, we use separate blankets. I don't like the way he uses his. :)

Also I hate it when people breathe on me when I'm sleeping.

September 29, 2009 at 1:09 PM  
Blogger I'm Nate's Mom said...

You can probably save yourself the big bucks of therapy/divorce/murder/remarriage by getting yourself one of these Hollandia beds they showed on the Early Show this a.m. They're breathable, they have aloe in them (so you can moisturize while you sleep), and they only cost $50,000. Cheaper, no?

September 29, 2009 at 1:10 PM  
Blogger Swistle said...

Wait, what? NOT tuck in the sheets/blankets? So they're just, like, FLOATING THERE, at the mercy of anyone who rolls over? OMG, I'll bet you'd have to make the bed, like, EVERY MORNING.

September 29, 2009 at 1:15 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Whatever, Marinka, you're obviously a serial killer.

September 29, 2009 at 1:37 PM  
Blogger Woo222 said...

I agree completely. I think it is illegal for two people whose views on the topic agree to share a bed. Just so every night Bean can gripe about how I'm messing up the sheet when I'm actually only making sure that I can roll over like a normal person. Cuz I can't sleep immobilized. But..if I'm MAKING the bed (and I don't often because that's just wrong and a waste of time) I have to tuck in the sides of the sheet even though I know I'll have to untuck them to go to sleep.

September 29, 2009 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I thought it was about seeds or no seeds, not about the rye bread itself.

I was never so happy as when we ditched the top sheet altogether in favor of a duvet. Which, you might realize, does NOT get tucked in.

September 29, 2009 at 2:05 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

No I'm sorry, you're crazy. Just because your feet want to be free doesn't mean they should. If your kids didn't want to stay at home at night, would you let them be free??? My feet need to be covered. Even if it's 100 degrees. How else will I know they'll still be there in the morning?

September 29, 2009 at 2:40 PM  
Anonymous Suzy Voices said...

Gonna have to disagree with you and go with Swistle on this one. The sheet would get all messed up and now I'm starting to get hives thinking about it.

September 29, 2009 at 2:44 PM  
Blogger Teacher Mommy said...

I must just be half-cocked because I hate the sheet thing but love rye bread.

Does that make me a wash? Or should I just camp out in a halfway house?

September 29, 2009 at 2:50 PM  
Anonymous Jos said...

oh, bless you Marinka, for bringing up this important topic. free feet is crucial. I can't even wear toenail polish, it makes my toes feel too confined (am I the only person's whose toenails need air?).
we too have eliminated the top sheet and we each have our own duvet-covered blankets. we began this practice out of desperation back when we had 2 co-sleeping dogs who were massive bed-hogs & cover stealers. they've since passed on but we've never gone back to our old ways. in hotels I must take apart the entire bed before getting into it, it is a disaster but at least we can all get some sleep.

September 29, 2009 at 3:02 PM  
Blogger chicklet said...

Rye bread is AWESOME. Weirdo.

September 29, 2009 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

I have GOT to have my feet out. We might make a good couple.


Call me when you're gay. And when I am. Which might probably be never.

September 29, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

Plus if you tuck in the sheets that means you have to actually MAKE the bed. Who are these crazy fuckers? Were they abused as children?

September 29, 2009 at 5:25 PM  
Blogger bethsix said...

I do not enjoy a top sheet at all. Or making a bed. If I am ever in a hotel, however, I do enjoy the top sheet constriction. And the fact that someone makes my bed.

September 29, 2009 at 6:32 PM  
Blogger Molly said...

Pssh, I sleep so violently that my top sheet never makes it through the night. I am a whirling dervish in bed. Ow ow!

September 29, 2009 at 6:59 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

If you die first, I may need to claim Husbandrinka. I like my feet trapped. Sorry.

September 29, 2009 at 7:41 PM  
Blogger Chief said...

NOOOoooo...no top sheet at all! then I won't get it all tangled and wrapped up around my feet. I know it means I have to wash my comforter more often, but I will do it gladly to save my feet from sure death

September 29, 2009 at 8:18 PM  
Blogger A Mom on Spin said...

Okay, I'm a one-in, one-out kind of gal. . .

Seriously!

September 29, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

My husband sleeps with one foot under the covers and one on top. So ridiculously annoying.

September 29, 2009 at 9:58 PM  
Blogger A New England Life said...

I'm in total agreance. Luckily my hubby is easy going about how things go in between the sheets ; )

Yeah, I'm not sure I'd ever want to go through it all with someone else. Too much work.

September 29, 2009 at 9:59 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

Good to know. I'm insane.

September 29, 2009 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

What can be done about a husband who sleeps like a gerbil? He shoves the sheet into a ball at the bottom of the bed.

I wonder if this is grounds for divorce.

September 29, 2009 at 11:09 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I would go for the geriatric kazillionaire over the boy toy. It seems like too much work to do the cougar thing.

September 30, 2009 at 2:10 AM  
Blogger Mwa said...

Top sheets? Do you Americans like laundry or something?

September 30, 2009 at 3:34 AM  
Blogger LivingLifeBackwards said...

We don't use the top sheet.. we both hate it... fitted sheet and comforter that's it... .and it's heaven I tell you!

September 30, 2009 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger gretchen said...

Long ago, I read somewhere that, according to some culture which I can't remember now (Native Americans? Mayans? Chinese? I don't know, one of those ancient but wise ones) "the soul breathes through the sole of your feet". This has long been my excuse for going barefoot year round.

September 30, 2009 at 11:18 AM  
Blogger Elisa, The Unlikely Housewife said...

oh I HATE that. When we go to hotels I get into bed and kick off all the covers to get sheets and everything out from under the mattress. How the heck is anyone supposed to sleep when they feel like their ankles are bound? I would have nightmares think I had been abducted or was a POW or something. Yikes.

September 30, 2009 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I missed you and your sense of humor while on blog break. But I like that top sheet tucked AND rye bread. So there you go.

September 30, 2009 at 11:50 AM  
Blogger Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

you could make him an apple pie bed and see how he feels!!

September 30, 2009 at 2:58 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

My feet get claustrophobic in a sleeping bag. Luckily my better half is highly compatible.
The other solution, of course, is 50s style twin beds.

September 30, 2009 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Sane. Whew! I was worried about myself for a while there.

October 1, 2009 at 12:39 AM  
Blogger Amber, The Unlikely Mama said...

@mommygeekology - same here! No top sheet unless it's summer and there are no blankets. NOOOO tucking of anything, must be able to free feet for temperature regulation :-)

October 1, 2009 at 10:26 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I know. What does he think he is, a burrito? does he have any Spanish in him?

October 1, 2009 at 10:49 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Mark me down in your insane group. I like my sheet tucked. The tighter the better. I can't stand when the sheet gets all twisted up in the middle of the night. Now, to me, that drives me CRAZY!!

October 5, 2009 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Oops, forgot to tell you...I gave you a shout-out for this post on my blog. Loved it!

October 5, 2009 at 10:56 AM  

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