Mommy Drinks Because of Kid TV
Believe me, I am definitely one of those parents who used the TV as a babysitter. In the first four years, I needed to take some showers, have a cup of coffee and generally relax for 30 minute stretches. Many of the TV shows that my kids watched are now a distant memory, but I sometimes still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of Tubby Toast. And I have questions.
1. Why is it necessary for kid TV characters to have speech impediments and/or speak English as though it were their second language? I'm looking at you, "Me Happy" Baby Bop. And Ming Ming on Wonder Pets of the "this is sewious!" fame. And whoever that lisping whore is on Sesame Street.
2. Was Clifford's thyroid ever tested? Because, you know, he was big. And red.
3. Are the Telletubbies related to Booh Bah? And are their creators out of rehab yet?
4. I don't be all "everyone who is not like me, looks alike," but is the Bear in Franklin and the Bear in Little Bear the same character? Are they related, like Phoebe on Friends and Ursula on Mad About You? And am I the only person who couldn't stand Mad About You and Helen Hunt? And is it me, or is it hard to end this segue?
5. Oobi--what the fuck is that? Those talking hands with eyeballs? Seriously, I want to see the test studies that show that watching that show doesn't make children insane. Because I fear for our society.
6. The Wiggles. They're not predators, right? They just like to wiggle?
7. Calliou. I want to know why he's bald. I also want to know if I'm supposed to like his mom because she's sort of dumpy looking.
8. Max & Ruby. Ruby's supposed to be a bitch, right? We're not supposed to root for her, right?
9. Dragon Tales. Did J.Lo name her twins Max and Emme after the Dragon Tales kids? And is "knuckerhole" a tad suggestive for our family values loving nation?
10. Arthur. D.W.'s name is Dora Winifred. I know this bit of useless trivia, but it makes me insane that despite having watched 10,008 Arthur episodes, I've never seen the one when they call her that. Also, I kept expecting Dudley Moore to make a cameo.
Let me know if you have any answers! And if any kid show has you stumped, I'll try to help. Just let me get a refill.
Labels: Kid TV