Monday, October 12, 2009

John & The Crockpot Plus Eight ( to Ten Hours on Low)

I owe you one.

The weekend before last, I'd promised a week of posts about the crock pot and then two days into it, I realized that if I wrote one more word about it, I would not be responsible for my actions. So I tyook a crock pot break.

But I am true to my word, sort of, and I will tell you how the crock pot almost ruined John's life.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that John has never been supportive of my cooking endeavors. If I make meatballs, for example, he will say, "have you considered making something for the children not in a shape of a sphere?" If I heat some ravioli, he will comment, "I hope that you did not go to too much trouble" and if I order take out, he'll sneer, "you're lucky Husbandrinka doesn't give you one across the face". In other words, hurtful. Painful. But anyway.

So when I got the crock pot, he was similarly unsupportive.

"The problem with crock pots," he opined, "is that everything that you make in them tastes exactly the same."
"Fuck you, asshole," I said. Which I've always found to be an excellent way to win an argument.

A few, well, eight, hours later I called him.
"My lamb stew is delicious and I can taste each spinach leaf distinctly," I lied. "I've never been happier,"
"You know," he said, "I've been making some calls."
And he told me how he called friend after friend.
"Hey, Marta," He would say, "do you have a slow cooka?" (John explained that he had to pronounce it like that for maximum effect.)
"Of course," Marta told him. "And I make my chicken wings in it. And also apple pie."
"Huh," said John.
Then he called Gene.
"Gene?" he said. "Do you have a slow cooka?"
"I sure do!" said Gene. "How else would I make the best barbecue pork in the world?"
"I see," said John.
Then he called Ross.
"I have a question for you, Ross," John said, "Do you have a slow cooka?"
"I've had a slow cooker as long as I can remember,"Ross said. "It makes the perfect beans."
"You see," John told me, "not only does everyone have a slow cooker, but they all have a signature dish that they make with it."
"I told you!" I said. Although I'd said nothing of the kind.
"It's like a cult. And you know we were just saying that I'm looking to join some kind of an easy cult."
I nodded in sympathy, which John didn't know because we were on the phoen and it wasn't a video phone.
"So I was thinking," John said. "How big is your slow cooka?"
"Four quarts."
"FOUR QUARTS? That's nowhere big enough for your family of six."
"I do not have a family of six," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," John said. "I was counting both of your thighs. Anyway. You have growing children and they need more food. A four quart is nowhere near big enough."
"Maybe you're right," I thought-said. "But where would I get a bigger one?"
"At Bed Bath & Beyond," John suggested. "I even have a 20 percent off coupon for you,"
"That's so nice of you," I said.
"And then you will want to donate that four quart misery to your favorite gay," John said.
"Yes, charity begins with me."

It's almost as though he has an ulterior motive.

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Blogger bernthis said...

I have a slow cooka and no signature dish. I've never even touched the fucker

October 12, 2009 at 11:47 AM  
Blogger Kiki said...

great post. john deserves the slow cooka b/c he is fabulous and funny. i think i need a crock pot for myself. pie in a crock pot? i don't get it. take care.

October 12, 2009 at 2:12 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

BTW, i love your blog's layout. did you find it at a template site, or did you design it? i like it b/c ii is simple and clean. i have checked out every "free template" site and everything has too many graphics. i like the 2 columns as well. thanks and take care.

October 12, 2009 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger hokgardner said...

My slow cooka is going right now with beef stew. The house smells divine.

October 12, 2009 at 4:23 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I have a slow cooka, and everything I make in it tastes like chicken.

October 12, 2009 at 4:36 PM  
Blogger Kabbalah Rookie said...

I have had a slow cooka for years and only ever cooked one recipe. And every time I cook it, it tastes the same.. which is good, right?

October 12, 2009 at 4:49 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

HAHA What a great story!! That John sounds like a funny (if a bit degrading) guy!

I and my mother SWEAR by our slow cookahs!!!


Here's a link to a FABU Slow Cooker Recipe Book for ya!!

October 12, 2009 at 5:14 PM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

And soon there will be the slow cooka cook off between Marinka and John.


October 12, 2009 at 7:22 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

now that's one wily gay, i mean guy! if you get any of those good recipes, pass them along. my slow cooka hasn't seen any action this yr.

October 12, 2009 at 8:10 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

I have a slow cooka but I haven't used it since I got married to a caterer. It is his job to cook or else I might give him one across the face.

Also, I found that most recipes are not good for 10 hours are more (that's how long I'm at work) unless you want to eat gruel.

October 12, 2009 at 8:43 PM  
Blogger traci said...

wait...I'm confused. A slow cooker and a crock pot are the same? I'd make sure before you go throwing perfectly useful 4 qt's to just any ole gay.

October 12, 2009 at 8:55 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Yes, I would like some clarification. Is a slow cooker and a crock pot the same thing? I'm thinking yes but I get very lost i the kitchen.

October 12, 2009 at 9:21 PM  
Blogger melissa said...

i love my slow cooker. and i can trick my kids into eating anything. because everything tastes exactly the same.
it does.
but it is the easiest way to cook.
tomorrow night...some sort of roast in the crock pot. with potatoes. and carrots. and whatever else i throw in there. oh yeah. and prunes.
it'll be just like passover. only probably with a pork loin.


October 12, 2009 at 10:18 PM  
Blogger Joanie said...

Slow cooker. That's that pot thing in my basement that I got as a wedding gift 29 years ago and then won in the divorce (with everything else in the house). Maybe I'll drag it out and see if it still works.

October 12, 2009 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger Sophie said...

4 quarts? that has to be the smallest cholent ever! You definitely need a bigger one.
On a different note, I don't own a slow cooka myself. I'm more of a fire person. If there ain't no fire, there ain't no cookin'. Plus, there is no more counter-top space available ever since I got my hot sexy hugeass mixer (by a famous company that does red kitchen appliances).

October 13, 2009 at 2:39 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

OMG you guys are really so funny. I wish I had conversations like this in real life. So now you have to tell us -- did you upgrade your cooka?

October 13, 2009 at 7:48 AM  
Blogger 262mom said...

you need to make some shrinky dinkas in your slow cooka. I tried that in mine and was not successful. But you have so much support, I know you will be.

October 13, 2009 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger LTYM said...

Have you tried cooking things with Sudafed in the cooka? Just a thought.

October 13, 2009 at 2:14 PM  

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