Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I have to interrupt my week of crock pot posts that would have launched me into the world of food blogging stardom to report on several important issues that have been driving me fucking crazy and keeping me awake at night.

Issue 1: David Letterman.

I've been upset about it all week, because although I think Dave is super funny, I don't like my entertainers to be huge cheater pants. So, I mention my dilemma to Husbandrinka and he says, "the weirdest part of this whole thing is that the woman he had an affair with is not good looking." Yes, that's the weird part. I pointed out to Husbandrinka that not everyone gets to live with a Heidi Klum Klone, so people's mileage varies, but whatever.

Issue 2: What Happens to Roosters?

So, I've been making a lot of chicken in the crock pot and it made me think--what do the roosters do? They wake everyone up, they inseminate and then what? Retire? While the females are slaughtered for their breasts.

Again, I turned to Husbandrinka and he told me that in some countries roosters are eaten. I was sure that he was totally making it up, so I asked which countries and he said "France". Which now that I think about it, totally makes sense since they have cock au vin.

But what about in America? What do we do with our roosters? This is why I can't sleep at night. Fowl discrimination.

Issue 3: When A Friend Says Something and You Agree, But She Still Tries to Persuade You With Disturbing Examples.

A week ago, I had dinner with some friends and we were discussing what a disgusting piece of shit Roman Polanski was.

So Melissa says, "What a shit. She was a teenager!"
Marinka, "I know! Totally repulsive."
Melissa, "That's like if my husband had sex with your daughter."

The hell? Didn't I just agree that Polanski was gross? Why does she have to take it up a notch to win me over? Answer: Because she wants to make sure that I never sleep again.

Issue 4: Is There Room for One More?

My beloved John has a friend David, who he nicknamed The Lady Ashfield because David is from England, although for the first few years that I knew him I thought that he was from Canada because that's what John told me. Anyway, The Lady Ashfield talks normal, not Englandish and she reads this blog and when I don't post, calls John to complain and John is always like "get a life, I don't read that shit".

So The Lady Ashfield hinted that she wants a more prominent role on this blog. I'm torn. On one hand, I like fodder. On the other, I already have John as my stock gay. Can this blog handle one more? I don't want this to become like The Castro District around here. On the third hand, The Lady Ashfield is mildly foreign, and in this age of Obama, we should be embracing our neighbors. Anyway, I'm putting up a poll in the sidebar for you to vote on whether I should incorporate The Lady Ashfield into the blog or not.

Who can sleep?



Blogger Admin said...

Funny!! I can't believe that the lady ashfield calls and complains to your husband.

October 7, 2009 at 12:07 AM  
Blogger Formerly known as Frau said...

I can't sleep either but I thought I had too much on my mind now I'm taking on your issues too...yikes someone send me sleep aid fast and a crock pot!

October 7, 2009 at 2:42 AM  
Blogger 262mom said...

So you are maried. And you already have one gay friend. And you want to add another? How about just telling us how to get more gay friends? I tried to get this guy at work to be my gay friend and all that happened was he told me about his aging chihauhua. I guess that's OK But it looks more fun on Bravo. Yeah I can't sleep either.

October 7, 2009 at 3:27 AM  
Blogger nicola said...

As a speaker of the Englandish, I've always thought that, aside from the funny one in Will and Grace, our other-way-inclined gentlemen have a little more comedy mileage than yours. It's the repressed public school thing.
And we can call ourselves fag hags. Huge bonus.
I'm voting 'in'.

October 7, 2009 at 6:39 AM  
Blogger Vicki said...

Oh, no e-mail IDs for comments again-sad :(.

On another note, I'll tell you what fucking happened to roosters:

On yet another note: has David Letterman ever been funny? His gap teeth just annoy me every time.

October 7, 2009 at 7:00 AM  
Blogger JennyMac said...


But the comment about the hub-daughter thing...ewwwwwww.

October 7, 2009 at 7:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I refuse to vote until the 'Only if he is funny' option is in the voting pole. Or 'he is a recent cast off of Young and the Restless'.

October 7, 2009 at 9:08 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Melissa needs to learn the value of not having the last word.

October 7, 2009 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Expat mum said...

I just voted for inclusion of the Lady Ashford. We Brits have SO much class (dontcha know) and you get even more blog fodder when writing about the language cock-ups.

October 7, 2009 at 10:01 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Don't worry about the roosters; where I live they walk around crowing all day (yes, that myth that they only crow at dawn in a load of crap), and hopefully get eaten by a nice big hawk.

October 7, 2009 at 10:05 AM  
Blogger peajaye said...

i think lady ashfield should definitely be added - if she will clean your house for free in exchange. win - win!

October 7, 2009 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger Aidan Donnelley Rowley said...

Hilarious. You have a fan in this fellow NYC mom!

October 7, 2009 at 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm irritated by Letterman too. As for your concern about the attractiveness (or not) of his former mistress, compare her to the actual wife and then it all makes sense.

(Yeah, I know, that was harsh.)

October 7, 2009 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hmmm... I think there is only room for one gay friend on this blog. Next thing you know, John will be complaining that Lady Ashfield is cutting into HIS time on the blog (because any BS-y blog is better than NO blog!) and then you'll have this huge catfight to deal with and then you'll have to turn it over to your papa to arbitrate between the two or, WORSE, husbandrinka and then they'll all realize that absolutely not one of them cares enough about getting 'famous' on your blog to actually catfight about it anymore.

Whew! Let me catch my breath....

Best to leave well enough alone, deary.

October 7, 2009 at 2:24 PM  
Blogger Jane @ Jane's Junk and Treasures said...

Ha come on people I KNEW he was having a affair with that girl back when she was on his show!!! Remember he called her Monty..... I always thought there was something going on with them.

Another thing I have chickens, I love my chickens please don't talk chicken death when I am in the room.

I'm a huge "hag" the more gays the better!!!
The gays taught me how tacky shrimp and biscuits are years ago, a lesson I still follow today!!!

October 7, 2009 at 2:41 PM  
Blogger Roshni said...

That's why I watch Leno

October 7, 2009 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Dave-does it count as an affair if he wasn't married yet? i don't really care about his personal life. he could being having an affair with a goat for all i care (ew, maybe i would care then).

since we're discussing cocks...roosters around here apparently get dropped off at unsuspecting chicken coops at midnight when you're sick of their crowing (but this is a blog post i'm going to write so hands off, m!).

October 7, 2009 at 3:46 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Eh, I'm not sure I feel sorry for the roosters. I mean, think of the hen to rooster ratio in the USA.

October 7, 2009 at 4:03 PM  
Blogger Andrea's Sweet Life said...

No, no, the roosters just go around pointing their peckers at the hens until they keel over. They can procreate well into old age, unlike the females. Heh.

October 7, 2009 at 4:07 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

Now I'm going to worry about the roosters too. I already sort of hate eating chicken, even though I love it. I know that makes no sense.

David Letterman lost his appeal when I was younger...not sure what happened. Now I really don't like him. I was surprised that Jon Stewart didn't even mention it last night!

October 7, 2009 at 4:23 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

The weirdest thing about men, like there's only one thing, is that they don't cheat because a woman is prettier or in better shape. They cheat with women who make them feel better about themselves.

Dude, you may be going down. Soon, too.

October 7, 2009 at 4:24 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I've been up late worrying about your crock pot.

October 7, 2009 at 6:02 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

was your friend not listening? you agreed w/ her already, no need to plant that image in your head.

i'm not enjoying the image of david letterman having sex. period.

October 7, 2009 at 6:26 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oh my gosh, you are cracking me up. And I have really been out of it because i did not know that Letterman cheated. Actually, I didn't even knw he was married. um.....

October 7, 2009 at 10:07 PM  
Blogger Grace Matthews said...

John is a know he reads this shit. He just has to know what you are saying about him.
It's creepy that your friend would use her husband and your daughter in that may wanna watch them. You don't want them to kidnap her and keep her in the backyard for 18 years.

October 7, 2009 at 11:17 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I think David Letterman is very funny but that doesn't make him hot. He's done pretty well for himself.

October 7, 2009 at 11:27 PM  
Blogger Keyona said...

I can't see the damn poll! I vote for yes. Who couldn't use more gay fodder! I need a gay friend. Can I have him?

October 8, 2009 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

I don't think I'll be able to sleep after reading this blog post.

Roman Polanski is gross. (PERIOD END OF STORY!!!)

All additional gay male (gales) stores should be included, even if you have 1 gay male person per every trillion dollars of debt!!!


October 8, 2009 at 8:02 PM  
Blogger Jeanne Estridge said...

I think YOU should have shared the Nobel prize with Mr. Obama, cos you have the same wide-open worldview.

October 9, 2009 at 6:03 PM  

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