Thursday, June 18, 2009

If You See Me At BlogHer

So I'm going to BlogHer in July, are you? If you are a non-blogger, BlogHer is like a blogging convention is where bloggers (people who like to express themselves via the written word and avoid all unnecessary human interaction) get together to meet and greet face to face. Personally, I plan to participate via Twitter.

To make things go smoother, I put together a list of important things to know about me when we meet. You know, to avoid awkwardness.

1. I don't like to hug hello, good bye, or top of the morn to you.

2. Forget about kissing. And just to get this out of the way, you're not undoing my bra, either.

3. I don't mind shaking hands unless you're all limp and moist. Or I am.

4. You know that crap about how it takes a million muscles to frown but just one to smile? That totally doesn't work for me. My face naturally sets in a frown. I'm sorry! Even if I'm feeling super cheerful, which I am, like 99.9% of the time, I look like I'm pissed off.

5. I don't like pictures. Posing for them or seeing other people's. Your kids are adorable, your husband is a hunk and OMG, that looks like the best vacation ever. We're good now, right?

6. I was planning on wearing jeans through the whole thing, but Wendi told me that I need a slutty cocktail dress. I'll be channeling Courtney Love circa 1990. So the no smiling thing will still work for me.

7. I'm lonely! Why is everyone avoiding me? Just because I'm a frowning non-hugger dressed like a whore?

8. So my real name isn't Marinka and I can't quite bring myself to introduce myself as "Marinka". Can I get away with "Jenny"?

9. A few years ago I diagnosed myself with auditory processing disorder, which means that if more than one person is talking, I can't follow any conversation. I would really appreciate it if people spoke one at a time throughout BlogHer. If it's not too much to ask, maybe we can make a chart? Like Anymommy will speak on Friday from noon to 12:04, then Shallow Gal will pipe in at 12:05. Is that ok?

10. I feel bad asking this, but please have your blog URL tattooed on your forehead. I'll do the same. Because I have a freakishly huge forehead, so there's plenty of room. Also, forehead is slang for "ass", right? I just want to make sure that you'll be able to find me.

Bonus: I am super jealous of everyone who is a keynote community speaker at BlogHer. First I thought that I'd be big about it and be happy about it, but fuck that shit. I'm totally heckling them all. Or locking them in their room. Whichever requires less work on my part.

So, are you going? Can't wait to meet you! Smooches!


Blogger OHmommy said...

Im going to tattoo my url across my chest.

You are going to have to take a picture of that. No?

June 18, 2009 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Tenakim said...

If you see me in the opposite corner avoiding pictures, dressed slutty- what can be our sign? I feel very similar and am quite nervous!

June 18, 2009 at 12:40 PM  
Blogger Mr Lady said...

Try answering a reporter with, "Um, my name is Mr Lady?"


June 18, 2009 at 12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious! now i wish i was going!

June 18, 2009 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Dude my face is permanently set to frown too, also my eyebrows are always "knitted" together, but I promise I'm friendly. I'll be the one with red hair and pasty ass skin.

June 18, 2009 at 12:49 PM  
Blogger Scary Mommy said...

There goes my plan of tackling you and covering you in wet, slobbery kisses. Damn.

June 18, 2009 at 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not a hugger or kisser either. More like a smack on the ass kind of girl. And I'll be damned if you need me to tattoo my url anywhere, I mean, I expect to see a sign hanging from your neck saying 'No talky, waiting for Traci.'

June 18, 2009 at 1:03 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Are you telling me to take the six huge photo albums out of my already packed suitcase? We will not be sitting on a bed in our room giggling and looking at pictures and occasionally hugging because we are so darn happy?

Any chance you will be initiating my five minute window for conversation since my ability to communicate with other people disappears when I feel at all awkward or nervous.

June 18, 2009 at 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I am confused. Do you mean people will recognize you by your abnormally large ass? Or that you will have your cheeks hanging out so that everyone can see your URL?

June 18, 2009 at 1:48 PM  
Blogger Kami said...

Like minds, dude. Which is why I'm totally boycotting BlogHer. I hate people. I just like them to laugh at my jokes. Have fun. (Or sit in the corner next to the open bar and do shots of goldschlagger. Well, that's what I would do...)

June 18, 2009 at 2:05 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

YOUR NAME ISN'T MARINKA? I think the sky just fell. My world is crushed. I wrote A WHOLE FUCKING SONG for you and NONE OF IT rhymes with "Jenny".

That being said, I don't like to hug or kiss either. At least not before I've had a glass or two of wine.

June 18, 2009 at 2:16 PM  
Blogger Miss Britt said...

Your name is Jenny? No way.

I'm going to call you something else entirely.

I haven't decided what yet.

June 18, 2009 at 2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a brand new blogger, so I will definitely not be going to BlogHer. The thought of it makes me all squiggly inside.

Good luck!

June 18, 2009 at 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would be quite a sight, instead "Hello, My Name is..." stickers on everyon'es chest, everyone can walk around with the blog url on their forehead. Very creative. Wish I was going. Perhaps next year.

Scent-sationally yours,
Patty Reiser

June 18, 2009 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

If I were going I might hug you anyway Jenny. At least air kiss.

But I'm not going. I don't want to talk about it either.

June 18, 2009 at 8:22 PM  
Blogger EatPlayLove said...

not should be happy I'd move in for a NY style straight to the mouth kiss....

June 18, 2009 at 8:33 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

As soon as I spot you I'm going to give you a huge hug and a kiss. Then I am going to yell as loud as I can, "look everyone!!! It's Marinka!!!!!"

Just kidding. I'm not much of a hugger either. But I can't wait to show you all me latest pictures of my kids. I just know you'll love them.

June 18, 2009 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

Cocktail dress?

June 18, 2009 at 9:15 PM  
Blogger Frogs in my formula said...

I'm not going. My tiara is too dusty.

June 18, 2009 at 9:45 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...


i guess i'll be the one there in jeans...and a very firm, very dry handshake. but i'll be looking for you...

June 18, 2009 at 11:41 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

No hugs? Even for folks you've already met "in real life"? That's okay, I am not much of a huggier either but I am up for a firm handshake and I WILL make you smile!

June 19, 2009 at 5:05 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

you better find me, cause we will stick together like GLUE. without actually touching. or kissing.

and I am SO wearing jeans. I don't even OWN a cocktail dress. Although I have cocktails. on occasion.

June 19, 2009 at 7:52 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

heh ;-)

I'm taking notes now.

June 19, 2009 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger jennilea said...

1) We might be star crossed twins. Just bear that in mind. Pretty much, I am the same AND my name isn't Marinka either.

2) I am not going this year but I will go next year if it means I have to pimp myself out to get there ... or, more likely, pimp someone else out on my bahalf.

3) Next year, we scheme and plot together to make you Head MF Keynote Speaker What Be In Charge!

June 19, 2009 at 9:51 AM  
Blogger jmt said...

The more I read about people going to this damn thing, the more jealous I get. Beware of a crazy woman in Chicago in the hotel(s) slipping papers under the door. She is NOT leaving the bill....just sayin'.....

June 19, 2009 at 4:02 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

I'm so nervous. But I have one thing going for me - cute blog cards. Do you have yours already? You know, like business cards with your url and stuff on it. Mine even say my real name. Which really is Christy, by the way. Shocking, I know.

June 19, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

I'm not going to BlogHer. I did the one day thing in DC and felt all weird and junior-highy the whole day (does anyone like me????) I'll miss giving you a big bear hug, though!

June 19, 2009 at 4:29 PM  
Blogger Cynthia said...

You know I'll be there...and you just totally killed my buzz, I had planned to wear jeans:P

Fwiw, I'm a natural frowning non hugger myself;) Can't wait to meed you a nod!

June 19, 2009 at 4:45 PM  
Blogger *Akilah Sakai* said...

There's already gonna be a Jenny there. Marinka is a hot name! Or use something fun like Pussy Galore.

June 19, 2009 at 4:56 PM  
Blogger Stimey said...

Yeah, I'm bitter about the community keynoters too. Find me beforehand and we can heckle them together.

If you think introducing yourself as Marinka is strange, try Stimey. Marinka at least sounds sexy and exotic.

June 19, 2009 at 8:23 PM  
Blogger Bellaziza's Favorite Things said...

Uggh. I just had a baby 4 months ago and the only part of a cocktail dress this tail will fit into is the cocktail. Eeehhhh, not 100% sure about going to BlogHer anyway. Waahhh! I'll be one of the ones with the papoose in tote though if you do see me. Ooh and I'll have my URL tastefully embroidered on my baby sling;)... promise...ok no.

June 20, 2009 at 12:37 AM  
Blogger Amy@UWM said...

I'll be one of the 5,000 Amys there standing in a corner pretending that I'm not talking to anyone by choice.

Slutty cocktail dress? Seriously? Shit!

June 20, 2009 at 8:35 AM  
Blogger Issa said...

I am so making my own list next week.

I had heard that Marinka was not your real name. Now I'm starting to wonder if you are really an old guy in Ohio named Joe. Maybe you should go by Joe, since there are so many Jenny's going to be there? ;)

Don't hate me cause I'm speaking at the keynote okay? Because it will be really funny to watch me pass out. If you need to hate someone for it, Stacey is the chick. Cause she's the reason mine got sent in. I? Am not that brave.

June 20, 2009 at 12:10 PM  
Anonymous melissa said...

i'm going. i'm the one that's always bright red from blushing, who backs away a little if you get to close in my personal space, who does hug but doesn't linger in that hug...i could go on...
but yeah. i'm going.
and'll be nice to meet you too.

June 20, 2009 at 6:02 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

can someone PLEASE get me a ticket so I can go...PLEASE???

writing my blog address ( and dressing in my slutty cocktail dress isn't a problem for me.

Although, I do like taking pics as long as the moms are as crazy as me.


Glad I found out about this blog. Great writing by the way.

June 22, 2009 at 6:14 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Oh, not your real name? I'm so astounded!
* not my real name either

June 23, 2009 at 2:42 AM  
Blogger Magpie said...

All I ever wear is jeans, and I don't own a cocktail dress, slutty or otherwise, so I'll be in jeans. But I promise not to kiss you.

June 25, 2009 at 10:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you feel about waving? High fives? Fist bumps? I need to know. ;) I saw your very oh so brief vlog, and so I know what you look like. I WILL find you! (teehee) (that's not creepy at all, is it?)

June 26, 2009 at 8:01 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I was on vacation when you posted these very important "things to know" so I missed it. Thank goodness I found it otherwise I would be hugging you and what not. So I'll just give you a chest bump for hello and a pinch on the ass for goodbye. You ok with that?

June 27, 2009 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

hey! You said smooches! I thought we agreed on no kissing!

I can't wait to meet you, so I will be looking for a grumpy non-kissing, non-hugging woman who is not names Marinka. I'm sure you'll be easy to find in a room with 1300 people.

July 13, 2009 at 6:38 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

"You know that crap about how it takes a million muscles to frown but just one to smile? That totally doesn't work for me. My face naturally sets in a frown. I'm sorry! Even if I'm feeling super cheerful, which I am, like 99.9% of the time, I look like I'm pissed off."

Hahaha, you just described me perfectly. I was harassed in H.S. for always looking like a's just that when I don't actively try to smile I appear pissy.

I like the dark brooding look anyway :P Who wants to seem happy all the time?

July 18, 2009 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'll see your whore cocktail dress and raise you some red lipstick.

See you tomorrow... ;)

July 21, 2009 at 11:36 PM  

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