Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Your Majesty

A few months ago I went to a doctor to be treated for insanity. A mild form, I'm sure, and it's certainly not contagious, although, of course, I appreciate your attempts to make everything about you.

Anyway, the upshot of this is that although I feel a lot better, I keep getting these mailings from my insurance company. They come in big envelopes with CONFIDENTIAL stamped on them and when I open it, there's an otherwise blank page that says: CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION FOR MARINKA ENCLOSED, so that if you're snooping and opening my mail, you clearly know that you have to stop.

The letters themselves are complete wristslashers.

The latest one that I received assured me that "You Can Move Your Mood", which really makes me suspect that people recently treated for constipation receive a "You Can Move Your Bowels" letter, because this type of recycling is how insurance companies save money in this economy.

So I read through the letter and saw that I should keep a daily Thought & Mood Log for a week or so, to focus on how I'm feeling. I am supposed to record the Time and Place, Thoughts and Feelings, Depression Scale and Positive Thought.

Ok, so the example that they give of thoughts and feelings is "I'll never complete this project on time; I'm too dumb. Feel: frustrated, sad, helpless" and positive thought: "If I outline each activity and set a reasonable deadline and work on one activity at at time, I can complete the project" makes me think that this exercise is best for our Special Friends, but whatever.

I gave it a shot, because what do I have to lose? Answer: Whatever remains of my dignity.

Here is an excerpt of my Thought and Mood Log:

Time and Place
6:50 am, bed

Thoughts and Feelings: I don't want to get up. Sleepy, yawny.

Depression scale: 5 million.

Positive Thought: If I were royalty, I could stay in bed all day. Wearing a tiara. And a nightgown, I'm not some kind of nudist royal pervert.

Time and Place

9:15, subway

Thoughts and Feelings: Too crowded. Feeling: crowded, sardiny.

Depression scale: 5.2 million.

Positive Thought: If I were royalty, and I'd buy my own island, I would not have to ride the subway. I feel so much better!

Time and Place

3:15, picking up kids at school

Thoughts and feelings: Sweet Jesus, I have to make small talk with the other parents. Feeling: not wanting to make small talk with other parents.

Depression scale: 3.4 million.

Positive Thought: Royal children are schooled royally and royal parents do not have to make small talk.

I am so grateful that I completed this exercise. It's made it pretty clear to me that all of my problems would be solved if I were a royal.

Time and Place: Now.
Thoughts and Feelings: WHY AM I NOT ROYALTY? I suppose it would have been to much for my ancestors to be the Romanoffs and later to thwart the Russian Revolution so that none of the royals got assassinated so that all of my problems could be solved. Seriously, is hast too much to ask?


Blogger Priss said...

I keep asking myself why I am married to a descendant of minor Scottish royalty, yet I can't even get someone to clean my stinkin' house for me.

Maybe you can get hold of a time machine one day, go back and tell them of the plot to kill them all, and then let them know about a beautiful girl from your lineage that would make a fantastic bearer of royal sons. Seriously.

I bet you'd come out rather homely, though. The Romanovs weren't the prettiest royals...

May 20, 2009 at 12:55 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

I'm glad that we've cleared things up, that you're not some kind of nudist royal pervert. I tell myself something similar every day...

May 20, 2009 at 12:58 AM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

Long live Queen Marinka.

May 20, 2009 at 1:06 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

I often think the same thing, that life was easier in the 1800s or something when I was a Rajasthani queen with truckoads of servants and yes I know trucks weren't invented but maybe I was forward thinking?

Mo Stoneskin is lying: he loves nudist royal perverts.

May 20, 2009 at 1:56 AM  
Blogger Roshni said...

I'm still ROTFL at your constipation remark!!

May 20, 2009 at 2:24 AM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

I often have similar thoughts...

May 20, 2009 at 5:58 AM  
Blogger Z said...

I totally need to be royalty, too. Ancestors? You hear that??? You're on notice. Should have passed down some more crowns and sceptors! Hmph.

May 20, 2009 at 6:33 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

So you are basically saying that this journal was actually depressive in itself? I question why I'm not royalty all of the time, but my hubby quickly reminds me that I am more of a dictator. How sweet.

May 20, 2009 at 7:08 AM  
Blogger LTYM said...

Why am I now worried that in 10 years, you'll be pushing a shopping cart around lower Manhattan while wearing a Burger King crown and calling yourself "Queen Nicki?"

May 20, 2009 at 8:13 AM  
Anonymous Christy said...

I'd be happy with just really, really, REALLY rich (although I'll admit a tiara could kind of grow on me.) I think you could buy all the perks of royalty with lots and lots of $$. :)

May 20, 2009 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Oh my goodness get out of my head with your thoughts on making small talk with other parents. Pure torture I tell you!

May 20, 2009 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I labeled myself "Queen" in 12th grade and the "title" has stuck ever since, at least with my teasing family. So why is it that I had to stop in the middle of reading your blog and go wipe my 3yr old's butt???

No one takes my royalty seriously.

May 20, 2009 at 9:56 AM  
Anonymous peajaye said...

i'm still stuck on the fact that if you tell your doctors you're depressed, you get extra homework. like you don't have enough to do? i'm keeping my mouth shut.

May 20, 2009 at 10:41 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Would it be weird if you just declared yourself royalty and started going to bed with a tiara and demanding that your family - I mean servants - attend to your every whim?

May 20, 2009 at 1:44 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

My insurance company mails me psychiatric drugs every 30 days.

Clearly I'm already royalty.

xoxo, SG

May 20, 2009 at 7:52 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I am so disappointed to find out that you think that nudists are perverts. How dare you and your non-royal self judge!

;) Perversity aside, I think that all fair-skinned people (like myself) should not be allowed to be nudists. If you were a royal, you could outlaw it. :)

May 20, 2009 at 9:30 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

Maybe you need to marry royalty.

May 20, 2009 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

PS - the google ads at the bottom are divine:
1. Noble Titles for Sale
2. See Royal Crown Jewels
3. Top Depression Treatments
and, my favorite,
4. All Natural Laxative

May 20, 2009 at 9:45 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I have nothing clever, I just thought that was damn funny.

Oh, my ancestors are from Budapest and when I visited, I found a life size royal portrait of a girl that looked exactly like me. My ancestors screwed everything up too, apparently. And M's damn ancestors came over on the Mayflower or something. Why did they not buy land in Manhattan?? Or at least Alexandria?

May 20, 2009 at 10:53 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

My thoughts on this?

Screw the depression log and just ask for the happy pills.

Let me know if they work.

May 20, 2009 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I am sitting in my husband's family's beach house and nearly fell off my bar stool chuckling at that second sentence. (Too Much Wine.)

Ditto: Mo Stoneskin is lying: he loves nudist royal perverts.

Long Live HRH Queen Marinka.

May 20, 2009 at 11:29 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I've been wondering if it's too late to become a heiress.

May 21, 2009 at 2:50 PM  
Blogger Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

Preaching to the choir, Marinka. I had conversations with my mom about this. They would go more or less like this:
Me: I really was meant to be a princess.
Dad: But you are! You are our princess.
Mom: Sure. princess, go wash the dishes.
Me: No, seriously, I was born to be rich.
Mom: Who wasn't??

So as you see, this didn't go anywhere. We are a really misunderstood race, us should-have-been-royals.

May 21, 2009 at 5:43 PM  

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