Friday, May 29, 2009

It's So Hard to Find a Good Cult These Days

Last night, John and I were on the phone, telling each other how bored we are. Husbandrinka is away until Sunday. Everything on TV sucks. John's DVD player is not working, despite his having had it repaired twice. We have nothing to look forward to.

I suggested that we try to become religious. You know, to give our life meaning and happiness and shit like that.

"That's so weird that you suggested that," John said. "I just watched a program on cults last night."

Clearly, that is a sign. John saw a program, much in the way that Moses saw a Burning Bush, so we are well on our way to religious fanaticism!

"Well," I asked him. "Is it for us?"

Unfortunately, according to John, it isn't for us, because it involves many group activities and manual labor. And although John didn't mention this explicitly, the chances that the cult leader will work our last nerve is really high. God, if we get one of those cult leaders who says "axe" or "youse", that's going to be really, really hard for me. I mean, can you ask for a transfer to a different cult leader, or how does it work?

"Hey, maybe we can become cult leaders!" I suggested. John liked the idea because that would mean less work for us. The only problem with our plan was that we couldn't decide which one of us would be the leader--he's gay and I have freckles, neither quality historically screams "follow me to salvation". Also we don't have charismatic personalities and are generally very annoying. And the followers seem kind of needy. Besides, papa would totally kill me if I became less Jewish.

So for now, at least, John and I are cultless. Maybe some day.



Blogger efaqffqaewfm said...

Ha! He probably watched the same program as my dad and I :o)

May 29, 2009 at 12:48 AM  
Blogger mo.stoneskin said...

For years I've held fast to the decison I made only ever to follow a cult leader that is freckled.

May 29, 2009 at 3:14 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

I think you're wrong: vapid, gay, freckled, and no=charisma seems to sum up the leaders of every cult so far...

Go forth and multiply...

May 29, 2009 at 4:04 AM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

I think, perhaps, you and John already have a cult following.

292 people can't be wrong.

May 29, 2009 at 6:08 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

Kylie--from your mouth to our cult followers' ears!

May 29, 2009 at 7:07 AM  
Anonymous melissa said...

remember the cult the moonies? your post just reminded me of it. and they used to brainwash their followers...
i learned about it during one of my judaica classes when i was younger. nothing like scaring the crap out of us to make sure we don't leave our religion!!

May 29, 2009 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Belle said...

Jesus had freckles.

May 29, 2009 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Cults are overrated. They always end badly. Maybe you can just go to Club Med or something.

May 29, 2009 at 8:50 AM  
Blogger Z said...

Ugh. "AXE" Passed a woman saying that on the street the other day and nearly had to restrain the husband from assaulting her. His defense? "What fucking language is that? AXE? It's ASK! Fuck it. I hate people who fucking say that." So, yeah. We feel pretty strongly about that one over here ;)

May 29, 2009 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger MG @ MommyGeekology said...

You could make it an online cult. Join your identities and create an online community that works like a cult, so that you don't have to decide, or be charismatic in person, or do manual labor! And then you can have a greater reach.

May 29, 2009 at 10:22 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

Could it not be a Jewish cult? Do the Jews not have cults?

Just don't let them burn your compound down.

May 29, 2009 at 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Maravonda said...

I work 8 to 16 hours a day in a nursing home filled with dementia patients, elderly rehab patients (not in the good, crystal-meth, way, just the broken bone way) and all the attending families...I am pretty sure I have become some sort of cult leader, it's just that any given day I'm not sure what our divine purpose is...and if I can franchise whatever you and John come up with, I am So Willing to look to you for Spiritual Guidance...going it alone is not easy...sigh...

May 29, 2009 at 10:25 AM  
Blogger AiringMyLaundry said...


I wouldn't have the patience for a cult.

And I'm with you on the nothing on TV thing. Where are all the summer programs?? Someone needs to entertain me, dangit.

May 29, 2009 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger Moi said...

What about starting some kind of Jewish cult? Find some obsessive line in the Torra that proves you should be the leader and run with that.

Just a suggestion

May 29, 2009 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

I'm in. When's the next meeting?

May 29, 2009 at 11:11 AM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Don't be too hasty; no doubt the right cult is out there somewhere. Maybe even one that worships freckles.

May 29, 2009 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

God, I wish I had a John. As in, a gay best friend, not a toilet. Cause I have a toilet. Three, in fact.

May 29, 2009 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Roadchick said...

I saw that show the other night.

The problem with cults is that they're so damned boring.

Maybe if you and John came up with an entertaining cult of some sort - devoted to gambling or playing Nintendo DS or drinking.

May 29, 2009 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

Time Warner Movies on Demand girl.

May 29, 2009 at 1:26 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

he's gay and I have freckles, neither quality historically screams "follow me to salvation"


I also really wish I had John. Forget cults - you wanna make some money off this blog? Rent John! Send him to people like me who want to be his BFF. Charge by the week. I really need to know what color to paint my dining room, not that I'm buying any sort of gay BF stereotype or anything. (If I sent picture do you think he could advise me?)

May 29, 2009 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger blognut said...

I think you guys should go ahead and start a cult because I have freckles, too. For once in my life, just once, I'd like to be somewhere where freckles are appreciated. Geez!

May 29, 2009 at 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

In your cult, everyone's name should have to end in "-inka" so can my name be WineDrinka?

May 29, 2009 at 3:03 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

Jews have cults. We sure do. Okay, no we don't we have commitments to dairy, whining and other sorts of things but not cults. Sorry, wrong C word

May 29, 2009 at 4:55 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

As you know, I've been researching different communes to join but have been running into the same problems of manual labor and child marriages. WTF? Let's just go on welfare instead.

May 29, 2009 at 5:01 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

First of all - you can get a DVD player fixed? I thought that all electronics were disposible now... I miss the TV repair shops of the olden days (maybe they have them in Ireland - that Once guy worked in his dad's VACUUM repair shop of all things...)

Second - I think you are right about the followers. Maybe you could just make it an online cult. That way you could just skim through the tedious ones. Wait - are we talking about blogs?

May 29, 2009 at 5:09 PM  
Blogger Jennifer S said...

I have freckles, too, so that makes 3 (including Blognut). I say we've got ourselves a cult, and it can totally be one where we drink wine and look a hot guys, right?

May 29, 2009 at 5:59 PM  
Blogger Jeanne Estridge said...

Richard the Lionhearted was gay, and a ton of people followed him all the way to the Holy Land. And, since he was English and went to the Middle East, where it seems to be hot and sunny, I'm guessing he had freckles, too. On the other hand, he wasn't Jewish.

May 29, 2009 at 11:08 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I was going to suggest myself as a cult leader, because I (apparently) talk posh. But you killed my dream with the whole freckles thing.

I'll be part of your cult but only if it's a city based one. One with access to things like coffee and electricity. Hot showers. I am thinking more Four Seasons than Central African jungle. And I won't do any Flirty Fishing either. No, MyLeaderinka, not even for you.

May 29, 2009 at 11:09 PM  
Blogger Kari said...

I'll keep praying for you... ;-)

May 30, 2009 at 1:27 AM  
Blogger Madge said...

it's the damn group activities that get me.

May 30, 2009 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger p-huong said...

I am convinced that the house with the red roof down the street is a cult meeting place. When I used to volunteer at the PT clinic and walk home at night, there would be gatherings of mostly men and I'd try to peek in and see what they're doing. I can see a list of rules posted on the wall, but get too scared to just stand outside the house and read them. And during the day, the lights are all off and I can't see very well inside because all the windows are barred.

I'd follow your cult. On one stipulation: no hugging please.

May 30, 2009 at 9:17 PM  
Blogger Anna Lefler said...

Okay, there has to be a way to work "burning bush" into the post above this one.


(P.S. - I know I'm probably way late in saying this, but your new masthead rocks hard.)

May 31, 2009 at 1:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The phrase "youse" killed my fantasy life! I had a huge crush on my UPS man (I know, how stereotypical) until one day, he said "youse" while he was talking to me. I threw up a little in my mouth. The romance is totally gone.

May 31, 2009 at 5:04 PM  
Anonymous P.K. said...

Hey, I'm already in a cult: Unitarian Universalism! That qualifies, right?

May 31, 2009 at 11:19 PM  

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