Monday, May 18, 2009

Don't Litter

During the lengthy negotiation that we endured in getting Husbandrinka to agree to get a cat, one thing that was understood was that he would have no involvement whatsoever with the litter box.

This changed the second that Nicki decided that she could only move her feline bowels when Husbandrinka is in the bathroom. While locking eyes with him the whole time. Husbandrinka is traumatized. As he told me, he doesn't want to be Nicki's "crap buddy". Although I totally get that, I also think that this is what God wants. Because why else would Nicki be pooping at the exact moment that Husbandrinka is in the bathroom?

Besides, I have my own litter box problems, known as Marinka's Quest to Find the Perfect Litter. 
First, we started off with some crystals that looked really pretty (which is my main criteria for everything, including litter) but Nicki's medical advisor said that some cats eat the crystals and it's not good for them. Whatever. So we switched to Fresh Step, the super clumping litter. Despite the adorable cat on the box, the problem with Fresh Step was two-fold: it was so fine that I instantly developed Black Lung (as in the disease, not singing prowess) and it clumped so much that we needed an ice pick to get it off the box. In other words, Litter Fail.

So, then someone recommended Feline Pine which is kitty litter made out of pine and when cats pee on and then, the pine totally dissolves into saw dust (or maybe pine dust) type of material so it's like kitty litter and a science experiment all in one. I mean, I could practically home school the kids with this kitty litter. Or maybe open my own college or something.

But of course there are problems. Because the pellets, before they are dissolved, stick to the cat shit, so then when you throw them in the toilet, you are flushing chunks of pine and I am no Joe the Plumber, but I suspect that this leads to cloggage and stoppage and to me running around with a toilet plunger.  Which is not good.

But then, I started to think. By "then" I mean one morning as I was standing there with cat shit, surrounded by pine, on the scooper. Ok, so I can't tell you how long I spent on this part of the blog post. Because I was thinking of ways to explain that pine pellets stuck to the shit. And for some strange reason, "pine pellets stick to shit" didn't have that poetry that I was going for. So, I decided to photograph it.

Here we have the Feline Pine:

Here we have the litter box:

Here we have the litter box with cat turds.

Note: In this post, the role of cat turds are performed by Tootsie Rolls. Disclaimer: This post is not sponsored by Tootsie Rolls.

Problem: Although feline pine sticks to cat shit, it does not stick to Tootsie Rolls. You'd think that those Tootsie Roll sheisters would have that disclaimer right on the wrapper, so that people aren't duped into buying it for their scientific experiments.

So then I started to unravel a little and thinking that I should get a glue gun and do some arts and crafts to get the desired effect.
Because saying "pine sticks to shit" is apparently too sophisticated a concept for me to relate to blogworld.

And the point of this whole thing is that when I put the shit with the pine in the toilet, hoping that the water will dissolve the pine and Husbandrinka and I are staring into the toilet bowl and the pine was not dissolving. So is probably mentally reviewing our wedding vows and feeling pretty that he didn't promise to study cat shit in the toilet with me, and then he says "maybe there's something in the urine that makes the pine dissolve" and I get the great idea and ask him to pee on it. And he absolutely refuses, which I think is a little precious personally, but despite his suggestion, I'm not doing it myself, because I have a very shy bladder and what am I, some kind of circus freak, to pee on command on cat excrement?

So  I flushed and the pine went down, but I feel there's a finite number of flushes before the toilet backs up.  And I really hope that I'm not there when it happens.



Blogger Your escalator operator said...

After that Tootsie Roll tease the other day, this was more than worth the wait.

I read your sponsorship disclaimer, but now that this is up, I'd be shocked if a Tootsie Roll deal was not imminent.

May 18, 2009 at 1:14 AM  
Anonymous Kibbles said...

Or, you can teach Nicki to flush for herself:

Now I need to go wash my eyes.

You're welcome!

May 18, 2009 at 1:42 AM  
Blogger Roshni said...

Thank Gd I knew from before that those were Tootsie rolls!!

May 18, 2009 at 1:44 AM  
Blogger Bea said...

hahaha, this post was great. well worth waiting for! though i do feel Husbandrinker needs to man up and pee on the cat poo. it's in the name of science for crying out loud!

May 18, 2009 at 2:55 AM  
Blogger ♥ Braja said...

Your post is full of shit.

No really, talk of Nicky shit :))

May 18, 2009 at 3:25 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I am so glad I was eating breakfast at the exact moment I was reading this post. Natural appetite suppresant! You should market it.

May 18, 2009 at 6:04 AM  
Blogger Princess Stupidhead said...

Fresh Step is the best - mostly because it has a nice smell.

Yes, you do have to step back when you pour it in or you're going to get some sort of lung disease in the future, something like black lung only not black, maybe Tan with Flexs of Green Lung disease.

I never put the stuff down the toilet, but it's kind of handy to scoop the poop and more importantly the pee out of the box and into a small plastic bag (go green reuse supermarket bags but watch for holes because those supermarket bastards are so friggin cheap)

Also? Target has their own brand of clumping litter which is great and you'll still have money left to send your darling kitty to college where he can stare at someone else while he poops.

May 18, 2009 at 6:48 AM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

omg I am still laughing about the "crap buddies."


May 18, 2009 at 6:48 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Your husband should be honored to be a crap buddy. Cats always make wise decisions.

May 18, 2009 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

This was hilarious! The things our pets put us through are kind of amazing.

We swear on Arm & Hammer multi-cat kitty litter. It doesn't matter if you have one cat or many, you never smell it.

May 18, 2009 at 7:15 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

This was hilarious! The things our pets put us through are kind of amazing.

We swear on Arm & Hammer multi-cat kitty litter. It doesn't matter if you have one cat or many, you never smell it.

May 18, 2009 at 7:15 AM  
Anonymous Z said...

Thanks for the Monday morning laugh!!! :)

May 18, 2009 at 7:39 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Oh this didn't disappoint - I'd been waiting for it ever since you first mentioned it last week (or the week before?) Hysterical!

May 18, 2009 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

As an owner of 3 cats by default of the leaving my ex....I have 2 litter boxes the size of sand boxes....Tidy Cat multi-cat BLUE is by far the best clumping and non dust breathing type....Here is the key...Gt a plastic rolling container - empty the cat litter into there and use the plastic tub the litter comes in as the poop keeper! This way when the tub is full you toss it and it traps in the smell..

Trust me with 3 pooper cats all INDOOR I know my shit ;-)

May 18, 2009 at 9:28 AM  
Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

Feline Pine has a delightful rhyme, but "pine sticks to shit" is more ex-pli-cit.

May 18, 2009 at 9:56 AM  
Blogger jmt said...

Nothing but toilet paper should go down. Heed your own worries. Not that I would know or anything...*ahem*.

May 18, 2009 at 10:16 AM  
Anonymous ssheers said...

Thank you. I needed that.

May 18, 2009 at 10:16 AM  
Anonymous Christy said...

"and I get the great idea and ask him to pee on it. " That? Was priceless--so funny! We've been on the same cat litter merry-go-round...trying to find an "environmentally friendly" cat litter that doesn't smell like cat pee and old newsprint...sigh.

May 18, 2009 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger LTYM said...

Oh, Marinka, Marinka, Marinka. Something tells me that there's no ventilation in that bathroom.

May 18, 2009 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

First of all, I'm dying over here. As usual.

Second of all, I agree that you should TOTALLY experiment with toilet training Nicki! There are books on it and everything. DO IT! For SCIENCE!

May 18, 2009 at 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

This? Is awesome. The only thing that might be awesomer is if you had then made and served a kitty litter cake.

May 18, 2009 at 11:58 AM  
Blogger blognut said...

That's funny shit.

May 18, 2009 at 12:21 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

Oops, I think this belongs on your 4th blog

The Poopy Crapmates

Dexter-the-Still-Alive-Cat would be happy to be a contributing crapmate.

May 18, 2009 at 12:31 PM  
Blogger Lucy Filet said...

Thank you for taking my mind off the fact that at this very moment a mean Polish woman is slicing pieces of my toes off. Fortunately she let me keep my iPhone.

May 18, 2009 at 1:01 PM  
Anonymous Alison@ Cluck and Tweet said...

You know those "fake" desserts that supermoms take to preschool, the one that looks like dirt with worms but is actually cookies and gummis? Well, I think you've got a recipe post in the making...rice crispies and tootsie roll for poop in the kitty litter. The kids would love it. And probably the moms as well.

May 18, 2009 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger Priss said...

I went insane and stopped buying feline pine. I just went to the local hardware/ranch supply and bought a big bag of pine chips that they sell for horses. The cats love it.

Me... ah... not so much. Pine chips stick to catpoop as well. If you want the desired effect, you have to chew a little and get the Tootsie Roll a little damp. Because cat poop comes out a little wet at first, right?

So I scoop and put the poops in a used grocery bag, tie it tightly shut and put it in the trash. I would thank my cats hugely if they'd just use the toilet, saving us all the pain of a rancid pee scented box.

But the pine is awesome. It keeps the smell down. Almost better than what I used for nearly two years. Freshstep isn't terrible on the clumping, but there's still that Blacklung problem. Which is why I ditched it. When I have an asthma attack merely cleaning the cat's place of evacuation, something is wrong with the stuff I'm using.

May 18, 2009 at 1:44 PM  
Blogger Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

May I suggest getting a dog?

May 18, 2009 at 2:18 PM  
Blogger Mariah said...

Cat litter is some nasty stuff...Good luck on your quest to find the best litter

May 18, 2009 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

Ha! Still excited about a the kitty? How about training the kitty to "do" outside, as a dog would?

Don't get me wrong, picking up poop is not a whole lot better outside than inside, but at least there's no litter stuck to it ;-)

May 18, 2009 at 3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was reading this at work and was laughing so hard at the crap buddy paragraph that my friend came over to see what was up and he was laughing too.

May 18, 2009 at 3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was reading this at work and was laughing so hard at the crap buddy paragraph that my friend came over to see what was up and he was laughing too.

May 18, 2009 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger Magpie said...

I hope your super doesn't read your blog.

I used to have an apartment and two cats and a litter box that we kept in the bathtub. It had a lid and a handle, so you just moved it to take a shower. Well, there was always that kitty litter sand stuff going down the drain - I think our super hated us, because he was always having to ream out the pipes...

May 18, 2009 at 3:44 PM  
Anonymous Andrea's Sweet Life said...

The google ad at the bottom of the page is for Feline Pine, so even if Tootsie Rolls aren't sponsoring this post, at least Feline Pine is!

And dude. As a plumber's wife, quit flushing all that cat litter down your toilet. NO, NO! NO! (shaking finger at you)

May 18, 2009 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Thank you, Marinka. Now I need to put cat litter under my very own ass before I read your blog. Otherwise, you know, potentially awkward peeing on self happens.

May 18, 2009 at 5:32 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Great. How can I ever eat a Tootsie Roll again without thinking of this and either laughing or gagging, depending on my state of mind.

May 18, 2009 at 6:22 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Hold up! So you're saying that when the feline urinates on the pine litter, the pine pellets turn to a fine powder, but when you dump said pine pellets into a toilet - a vast simulation chamber of feline urine - they remain solid? What kind of madcap science is this?!

Also, I'm disturbed by the manner in which I thought that your pictoral with the Tootse Rolls included looked a wee (not cat wee, by the way) like a casual dessert.

May 18, 2009 at 7:17 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Your toilet is, without a doubt, going to back up and flood your apartment. I hope you're not there too.

Wouldn't a goat-eating dog be better? Are there really any goats within a 30 mile radius of you anyway?

May 18, 2009 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

Crap buddies...I'm still chuckling.

May 18, 2009 at 9:16 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

Most of your Nicki posts make me miss the days of having a kitty. For some reason this one didn't. Although it did make me laugh. Alot.

May 18, 2009 at 9:17 PM  
Blogger ShallowGal said...

For some odd reason I'm craving tootsie rolls.

xoxo, SG

May 18, 2009 at 9:46 PM  
Blogger Pop and Ice said...

I can always count on you to make my husband laugh, so today was a good day! See, other people have cat problems too! In fact, Pepper just nipped at his leg for lack of attention. Go Pepper!

May 18, 2009 at 10:45 PM  
Blogger SweetPeaSurry said...

I would suspect that eventually the pine 'chunks' in the pipes will get in touch with some urine, which will in essence make them dissolve. Therefor, toilet flushing cat-coated feces is purrfectly fine!!!

May 18, 2009 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) said...

Is that why you wanted to wrap those used Tootsie Rolls up again to give to Husbandrinka? Because they're crap buddies???

May 18, 2009 at 11:02 PM  
Anonymous Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Lordy. Now I understand why my neighbors have an ongoing relationship with Mr Rooter.

Did you not realize all our cats are part of a plot to take over the world? My cat keeps setting me up to slip on all that tossed out kitty litter and brain myself. Nicki's mission is obviously to psyche out Husbandrinka and send you totally around the bend.

May 18, 2009 at 11:02 PM  
Blogger the mama bird diaries said...

I'm sort of interested to know how Nikki feels about the whole thing. She must have a litter preference. No?

May 18, 2009 at 11:29 PM  
Blogger Belle said...

I was really worried there for a minute. I wondered why my cat doesn't shit toffies....

May 19, 2009 at 6:42 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Oh I've been waiting and waiting to find out how the great Tootsie Roll as poop experiment turned out. Now I'm wondering why Nicki has a medical advisor...

May 19, 2009 at 8:40 AM  
Blogger Just Jules said...

Ok this was seriously funny. I can not use the feline pine, I tried.... but it stuck to the bottom of the box and I had to chisel it out I swear. Just wrong. My cat can die an earlier death -but I can't do it...evil I know.

btw - congrats on your new hot mama status

May 19, 2009 at 12:02 PM  
Anonymous LadyFi said...

Feline pine - what the heck? Why not just give him some sand, or the neighbour's garden?

This is why I'm a dog person.

(This was a very funny post! Loved it!)

May 19, 2009 at 1:44 PM  
Blogger Maddness of Me said...

We have Ever Clean. I seriously love this stuff, if a person can love a litter. Oliver prefers the extra strength unscented version. It is the *only* litter that keeps his stinkiness away. Don't be fooled by the "unscented", just means there is no perfume, which does nothing anyway.

It's scoopable too.

I've tried them all.

May 20, 2009 at 7:53 PM  

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